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Michael Jackson: The Vegas Comeback. Maybe

by Matthew Laidlow

Michael Jackson has had a coloured past – this, we can all safely say, is true. In his long-winded career, Michael Jackson’s crazy antics has given him highs and lows. But mainly lows.

After a series of lawsuits over various issues, the state of Michael Jackson’s finances has never been under greater scrutiny. So what can a self-respecting formerly-successful music icon do to try and make people give a toss about him again? Easy – go and announce some comeback shows in tacky capital of the world, Las Vegas. Well, possibly.

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Kate Moss & Pete Doherty Booted Out Of NME Awards

by Stuart Heritage

There are many reasons to leave the annual NME music awards early – being able to physically see a Kook, for example, or realising that Lauren Laverne is slightly worse at hosting awards shows than some flour – but Kate Moss has her own reasons.

Namely, her dirty-looking tramp of a boyfriend. Kate Moss and Pete Doherty were asked to leave the Shockwaves NME Awards – like The Brits, but for bands your 14-year-old brother likes – early because Pete Doherty was waltzing around with a spoon and tried to have it off with Kate Moss in a toilet. Sadly, the early departure of Kate Moss and Pete Doherty from the NME awards meant that they were unable to see the electrifying climax to the NME awards – when the tubby tit from Kaiser Chiefs said that Muse were good in front of some of The View.

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Goon From The Darkness – Why I’m Doing Eurovision

by Matthew Laidlow

Yesterday, hecklerspray revealed this year’s hopeful acts for the Eurovision Song Contest. While most artists from the UK usually gun for a Brit or a Mercury Music prize, some acts don’t want national fame for their musical ability. Instead, they’d rather be laughed off the face of the planet.

One individual in particular didn’t need The Eurovision Song Contest for us to mock and scorn him. We did it when he fronted wanky-sounding band The Darkness. The only honour he had in the hecklerspray office was when we used a picture of his face to throw darts at. While the other no-hopers want to represent the UK in Eurovision for a quick career boost, Justin Hawkins had other reasons…

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That Twonk From The Darkness Might Do Eurovision

by Stuart Heritage

The Eurovision Song Contest is a bit like the World Cup in that UK victory seems certain beforehand, until we’re painfully reminded of what a dreadful bag of bum we are – case in point: Justin Hawkins from The Darkness wants to do Eurovision 2007.

That’s right, Justin Hawkins from The Darkness – remember that joke band from a few years ago who had that one song you sort of liked before you bought their first album and listened to it four times, getting progressively more and more irritated each time? Yeah, them. Anyway, Justin Hawkins is on the shortlist to represent the UK in May’s Eurovision Song Contest. But don’t worry; Britain gets to choose its own Eurovision entry, and as well as Justin Hawkins – basically a has-been twonk from a broken-up band from the past – you’ll also be able to pick from, um, two other has-been twonks from broken-up bands from the past, two reformed bands that nobody actually cared about in the first place and someone who wouldn’t even be recognised by their own parents. Terry Wogan must be crying into his Guinness.

The Eurovision Song Contest is a bit like the World Cup in that UK victory seems certain beforehand, until we're painfully reminded of what a dreadful bag of bum we are - case in point: Justin Hawkins from The Darkness wants to do Eurovision 2007. That's right, Justin Hawkins from The Darkness - remember that joke band from a few years ago who had that one song you sort of liked before you bought their first album and listened to it four times, getting progressively more and more irritated each time? Yeah, them. Anyway, Justin Hawkins is on the shortlist to represent the UK in May's Eurovision Song Contest. But don't worry; Britain gets to choose its own Eurovision entry, and as well as Justin Hawkins - basically a has-been twonk from a broken-up band from the past - you'll also be able to pick from, um, two other has-been twonks from broken-up bands from the past, two reformed bands that nobody actually cared about in the first place and someone who wouldn't even be recognised by their own parents. Terry Wogan must be crying into his Guinness.
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Jay Kay To Quit Making Awful Music

by C J Davies

An open letter from hecklerspray to God:

Dear Lord,

We’ve never really believed in you. We’re sorry. Nothing personal.

It’s just that you didn’t exactly make it easy, did you? We mean… look at all the suffering that goes on in the world. Look at the horrific extent of man’s eternal inhumanity to man. Look at the dismal and depressing things that happen on this spinning globe of ours every single day.

But now? Now you’ve proven yourself. And in a pretty fantastic way, too.

Let’s face it – you could have done something that everyone was expecting, like parting the clouds to poke through your big beardy face and demanding an end to all wars. Or maybe granting everyone the gift of eternal life. Or maybe just making people be that extra-bit nice to each other.

Oh no. You’ve gone and done something even better.

You’re made Jay Kay from Jamiroquai stop making music.

An open letter from hecklerspray to God: Dear Lord, We've never really believed in you. We're sorry. Nothing personal. It's just that you didn't exactly make it easy, did you? We mean... look at all the suffering that goes on in the world. Look at the horrific extent of man's eternal inhumanity to man. Look at the dismal and depressing things that happen on this spinning globe of ours every single day. But now? Now you've proven yourself. And in a pretty fantastic way, too. Let's face it - you could have done something that everyone was expecting, like parting the clouds to poke through your big beardy face and demanding an end to all wars. Or maybe granting everyone the gift of eternal life. Or maybe just making people be that extra-bit nice to each other. Oh no. You've gone and done something even better. You're made Jay Kay from Jamiroquai stop making music.
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The Horrors Will Sign Your Stuff In Two Places Today

by Stuart Heritage

When it comes to spooky-looking boys with terrible hair who play demented indie music, The Horrors are close to the top of the list – so you’ll be pleased to know they’re doing signing sessions today, as this email we’ve just received is keen to tell us:

The Horrors have confirmed that they will be holding two ‘Gloves’ signing sessions today, the day of the single’s release (Monday February 26).

Catch the band at Fives Records in Leigh-on-Sea by their hometown of Southend at 12.30pm, before they hot-foot it over to Rough Trade Records in Covent Garden, London for another signing session 5.30pm.

Both appearances are sure to be well attended so we suggest you get there early and form as orderly a queue as the situation will allow. There will be a few ultra limited pairs of Horrors leather gloves that aren’t on sale anywhere to giveaway to some lucky fans randomly chosen at the instores, so come on down!

12.30pm – Fives Records
www.fives-records.co.uk
103 Broadway
Leigh on Sea
Essex
SS9 1PG

5.30pm – Rough Trade Records
www.roughtrade.com/site/instore.lasso
In the basement of the Slam City Skates shop
16 Neal’s Yard
Covent Garden
London
WC2H 9DP

Free gloves? We’ve killed for less than that. Remember, though, that The Horrors will only be signing stuff and not actually playing any music. If you’re lucky Samantha Morton might turn up to explode another alien out of her vagina, but don’t come running to us if that doesn’t happen either.

When it comes to spooky-looking boys with terrible hair who play demented indie music, The Horrors are close to the top of the list - so you'll be pleased to know they're doing signing sessions today, as this email we've just received is keen to tell us: The Horrors have confirmed that they will be holding two 'Gloves' signing sessions today, the day of the single's release (Monday February 26). Catch the band at Fives Records in Leigh-on-Sea by their hometown of Southend at 12.30pm, before they hot-foot it over to Rough Trade Records in Covent Garden, London for another signing session 5.30pm. Both appearances are sure to be well attended so we suggest you get there early and form as orderly a queue as the situation will allow. There will be a few ultra limited pairs of Horrors leather gloves that aren't on sale anywhere to giveaway to some lucky fans randomly chosen at the instores, so come on down! 12.30pm - Fives Records www.fives-records.co.uk 103 Broadway Leigh on Sea Essex SS9 1PG 5.30pm - Rough Trade Records www.roughtrade.com/site/instore.lasso In the basement of the Slam City Skates shop 16 Neal's Yard Covent Garden London WC2H 9DP Free gloves? We've killed for less than that. Remember, though, that The Horrors will only be signing stuff and not actually playing any music. If you're lucky Samantha Morton might turn up to explode another alien out of her vagina, but don't come running to us if that doesn't happen either.
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Unsurprising News Of The Day – Gun N’ Roses Album Delayed Again

by Matthew Laidlow

Now sit down, grab a paper bag if you need it and take several deep breathes. Hecklerspray is being the messenger of bad news today as unsurprisingly the new, decade in the waiting, Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy has yet again been pushed back to some undecided point in time. Probably 2036.

So what’s the reason this time? Well, to be quite honest, we don’t really care much anymore. It’s here today in fact that hecklerspray launches its own band Guns and Pansies. The band – made up entirely of hecklerspray staff – aims to write, record and release two albums on the same day, replace Shawn with some bloke who wears a KFC bucket on his head, split up, get back together, throw hissy fits, make outrageously stupid demands and tour our as yet unnamed albums before Guns N’ Roses release Chinese Democracy. We think we can do it.

Now sit down, grab a paper bag if you need it and take several deep breathes. Hecklerspray is being the messenger of bad news today as unsurprisingly the new, decade in the waiting, Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy has yet again been pushed back to some undecided point in time. Probably 2036. So what’s the reason this time? Well, to be quite honest, we don’t really care much anymore. It's here today in fact that hecklerspray launches its own band Guns and Pansies. The band - made up entirely of hecklerspray staff - aims to write, record and release two albums on the same day, replace Shawn with some bloke who wears a KFC bucket on his head, split up, get back together, throw hissy fits, make outrageously stupid demands and tour our as yet unnamed albums before Guns N' Roses release Chinese Democracy. We think we can do it.
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Lily Allen & Lady Sovereign In Tedious Pikey-Fight

by Stuart Heritage

Lily Allen and Lady Sovereign have a lot to disagree on at the best of times – who can happyslap a pensioner the fastest, who can sell the cheapest knock-off Burberry baseball caps, that sort of thing – but arguing over musical quality? Really?

Apparently Lady Sovereign – you know her, she’s the UK hip-hop A Flock Of Seagulls – has been laying into loudmouth cod-reggae popstar Lily Allen because Lily Allen has got a famous dad and Lady Sovereign hasn’t. And now in an astonishing return-salvo Lily Allen has responded furiously to Lady Sovereign’s outburst, hitting back via her MySpace blog.

And to make matters worse we’re reporting it as news. And we’re sorry.

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Busta Rhymes: Woo-hah!! He’s Gonna Keep The Kids All In Check

by hecklerspray staff

Could rapper Busta Rhymes soon be spinning some mad skillz education to your kids? Looks like a frightening possibility. It’s been reported that instead of serving jail time, Busta’s been offered probation, which includes giving anti-violence talks to children for committing acts that can only be described as very pro-violence.

We know, we know… it’s hard to imagine a rapper in trouble with the law, but just what is it that Busta’s done? Oh, he just kicked one of his fans in the face and beat up his driver or something. But it’s not like he wasn’t provoked, or anything. The fan had spit on a car belonging to a member of Busta’s posse, and the driver says he was just trying to collect some back pay. What is it that the Golden Rule says? Beat the snot out of others as they do unto you. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Anyway, moving on…

Could rapper Busta Rhymes soon be spinning some mad skillz education to your kids? Looks like a frightening possibility. It’s been reported that instead of serving jail time, Busta’s been offered probation, which includes giving anti-violence talks to children for committing acts that can only be described as very pro-violence. We know, we know… it’s hard to imagine a rapper in trouble with the law, but just what is it that Busta’s done? Oh, he just kicked one of his fans in the face and beat up his driver or something. But it’s not like he wasn’t provoked, or anything. The fan had spit on a car belonging to a member of Busta’s posse, and the driver says he was just trying to collect some back pay. What is it that the Golden Rule says? Beat the snot out of others as they do unto you. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Anyway, moving on…
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Free! Morning Benders Songs! Listen!

by Stuart Heritage

Towards the end of last year we half-heartedly dabbled with a feature called Free New Crap that was supposed to enlighten you about the best free downloads around, but we gave up when it turned out that the ‘crap’ outweighed the ‘free’ and the ‘new’.

But a handful of the bands we featured were the literal opposite of crap, and one of them – The Morning Benders – were so good that a couple of things happened. Firstly, the song of theirs we gave you – Grain Of Salt – was so thunderously brilliant that it still haunts quite a large portion of our brains. And secondly, The Morning Benders decided to send us the first two tracks from their forthcoming second EP Boarded Doors as a gift for you to download and love and digitally kiss.

That’s right – two Morning Benders tunes. You can choose between the acoustic Last Train To Clarksville shuffle of Damnit Anna or the looser, sleazier Last Today. Or both. You can download both Morning Bender songs. They’re free you know. And a bit effing good.

Download Damnit Anna by The Morning Benders now

Download Last Today by The Morning Benders now

Towards the end of last year we half-heartedly dabbled with a feature called Free New Crap that was supposed to enlighten you about the best free downloads around, but we gave up when it turned out that the 'crap' outweighed the 'free' and the 'new'. But a handful of the bands we featured were the literal opposite of crap, and one of them - The Morning Benders - were so good that a couple of things happened. Firstly, the song of theirs we gave you - Grain Of Salt - was so thunderously brilliant that it still haunts quite a large portion of our brains. And secondly, The Morning Benders decided to send us the first two tracks from their forthcoming second EP Boarded Doors as a gift for you to download and love and digitally kiss. That's right - two Morning Benders tunes. You can choose between the acoustic Last Train To Clarksville shuffle of Damnit Anna or the looser, sleazier Last Today. Or both. You can download both Morning Bender songs. They're free you know. And a bit effing good. Download Damnit Anna by The Morning Benders now Download Last Today by The Morning Benders now
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