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Mogul Tries To Ban All Bitch Ho Niggers From Hip-Hop

by Stuart Heritage

The world of hip-hop is a world littered with casual misogyny, ingrained violence and 50 Cent mumbling about confectionery like an autistic day-release patient in a newsagents – but Russell Simmons is on the case to sort this problem out.

Thanks to the stir caused by that radio DJ claiming that girls who play basketball wear nappies on their heads – or something – the world is cracking down on certain racist and sexist epithets, and that’s why hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons wants the terms ‘bitch’, ‘ho’ and ‘nigger’ uniformly banned from all clean versions of hip-hop records. Some rappers have welcomed this idea, including DMX, whose new album includes tracks like You Really Are A Most Dreadful Braggart, These Young Ladies Will Surely Catch Their Deaths Dressed Like That and Awkward Silence (What About This Weather We’re Having?)

The world of hip-hop is a world littered with casual misogyny, ingrained violence and 50 Cent mumbling about confectionery like an autistic day-release patient in a newsagents - but Russell Simmons is on the case to sort this problem out. Thanks to the stir caused by that radio DJ claiming that girls who play basketball wear nappies on their heads - or something - the world is cracking down on certain racist and sexist epithets, and that's why hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons wants the terms 'bitch', 'ho' and 'nigger' uniformly banned from all clean versions of hip-hop records. Some rappers have welcomed this idea, including DMX, whose new album includes tracks like You Really Are A Most Dreadful Braggart, These Young Ladies Will Surely Catch Their Deaths Dressed Like That and Awkward Silence (What About This Weather We're Having?)
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Now Medusa’s Goat Craps In Russell Brand’s Shoes

by Stuart Heritage

Terrifying hecklerspray-approved rock behemoths Medusa are rapidly turning into The Beatles of destroying items belonging to Russell Brand with bodily waste matter – this time, Medusa destroy Russell Brand’s shoes and clothes with goat poo.

You’ll remember that recent MySpace Trawl victims Medusa got in trouble recently when an impromptu gig at Russell Brands house ended with members of Medusa pissing on Russell Brand’s fish statue and then running away with one of his gnomes. Well, it appears that Russell Brand has sufficiently forgiven Medusa enough to invite them onto his new TV show, the forebodingly-titled Russell Brand’s Marvellous Ballbags. And then Medusa smuggled a goat into the studio. And then the goat ate all of Russell Brand’s clothes and shat into his shoes. Medusa bassist Amadeus De La Fontaine told hecklerspray:

“We snook the little bastard in inside a bass cab that we use to transport contraband. ‘Shoes’ the goat was in the dressing room on his own for a good 20 minutes and chewed up a couple of Russell’s frilly shirts, shat in his pointy shoes and helped himself to some of his hair products. It was fucking shitting all over the place. Russell was prancing around in a tizz complaining that one of his cravats was missing too. It was marvellous!”

While drummer Scampi ‘Little Legs’ Strachan added:

“The goat was a fuckin’ beast guvnor!”

We’re not sure where this Medusa-based persecution of Russell Brand will end, although we get the feeling that ‘in tears’ will be an appropriate conclusion. Anyway, anything that makes Russell Brand prance around in a tizz is alright by is, so we’re putting Shoes The Goat forward for some kind of official royal commendation.

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Russell’s Not Gruff At Goat – The Sun

Terrifying hecklerspray-approved rock behemoths Medusa are rapidly turning into The Beatles of destroying items belonging to Russell Brand with bodily waste matter - this time, Medusa destroy Russell Brand's shoes and clothes with goat poo. You'll remember that recent MySpace Trawl victims Medusa got in trouble recently when an impromptu gig at Russell Brands house ended with members of Medusa pissing on Russell Brand's fish statue and then running away with one of his gnomes. Well, it appears that Russell Brand has sufficiently forgiven Medusa enough to invite them onto his new TV show, the forebodingly-titled Russell Brand's Marvellous Ballbags. And then Medusa smuggled a goat into the studio. And then the goat ate all of Russell Brand's clothes and shat into his shoes. Medusa bassist Amadeus De La Fontaine told hecklerspray: "We snook the little bastard in inside a bass cab that we use to transport contraband. 'Shoes' the goat was in the dressing room on his own for a good 20 minutes and chewed up a couple of Russell's frilly shirts, shat in his pointy shoes and helped himself to some of his hair products. It was fucking shitting all over the place. Russell was prancing around in a tizz complaining that one of his cravats was missing too. It was marvellous!" While drummer Scampi 'Little Legs' Strachan added: "The goat was a fuckin' beast guvnor!" We're not sure where this Medusa-based persecution of Russell Brand will end, although we get the feeling that 'in tears' will be an appropriate conclusion. Anyway, anything that makes Russell Brand prance around in a tizz is alright by is, so we're putting Shoes The Goat forward for some kind of official royal commendation. Read more: Russell's Not Gruff At Goat - The Sun
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Beyonce Sued By Singer You Forgot Even Existed

by Stuart Heritage

Hey kids, remember Des’ree? If you do remember Des’ree we’re sure it’s only a vague recollection – unlike Beyonce, who remembers Des’ree so much that she covered one of her songs for her newest album and is now getting sued for it.

When Beyonce decided to repackage her six-month-old album B’Day to screw over her fans for cash give her fans something special and new, she thought that covering old Des’ree track I’m Kissing You would be a sound idea. And it would have been, had Beyonce thought to properly get clearance for the song. Which she didn’t. And now Des’ree wants revenge, either by suing Beyonce for $150,000 or by challenging her to the ultimate R&B challenge – seeing who wail the American national anthem in the most preposterously overblown way at some godforsaken sporting event.

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Pandora: Help Save Internet Radio From Fools

by C J Davies

Pandora radio copyright RIAA

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Jim Morrison Pardoned For Whipping His Pee-Pee Out?

by Stuart Heritage

If you had to write a list of all the accomplishments of Jim Morrison from The Doors, chances are you’d struggle after ‘doing that Apocalypse Now song,’ ‘having a crappy chain of supermarkets named after him’ and ‘getting his cock out in Florida once.’

And now some fans don’t even believe that Jim Morrison should be remembered for that last one any more. Two fans of The Doors are pushing for Jim Morrison to be pardoned for his 1969 arrest after he exposed himself onstage in Florida in 1969. However, it’s thought that being pardoned for an arrest that took place 38 years ago won’t go down too well with Jim Morrison – in fact it’s probably the least of his problems, what with him being dead for the last 36 years and all.

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Justin Timberlake Writes Old Lady Songs For Madonna

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna didn’t get where she is today just by marrying fat-headed pretend cockneys and drawing pictures of dresses for Swedish clothes shops; she achieved her fame by surrounding herself with talented people – people like Justin Timberlake.

It has been reported that Justin Timberlake is currently writing songs for a new Madonna album, and it sounds like this Justin Timberlake/ Madonna combination is going to be a winner – so long as your idea of ‘a winner’ basically amounts to the sight of a woman on the cusp of turning 50 writhing around in a leotard while singing a selection of songs about how sad she is because Britney Spears split up with her and Cameron Diaz didn’t want to marry her.

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Muse Think Live Earth May Be A Bit Silly

by C J Davies

It’s odd, isn’t it, how you can sometimes find yourself with a grudging respect for someone you previously had no time for?

Like when Michael Winner called Richard Littlejohn an “arsehole” on live television, thereby almost redeeming himself after producing years of misogynist hateful rubbish.

Almost.

A similar thing has happened with Matt Bellamy of rocker-types Muse. Hecklerspray, you see, hasn’t really seen eye to eye with Muse in the past – mainly because they’re a bunch of wailing unoriginal prog-borers who no doubt foam with excitement whenever they’re within thirty feet of a Pink Floyd record.

And now? Now we’re going to add them to our Christmas card list. Why? Because – unlike so many publicity-seeking celebrity idiots – they’re one of the first people to actually question the logic of holding a gigantic energy-devouring concert in order to ‘tackle’ climate change.

We’re talking, of course, about Live Earth – officially all set to be the hypocritical ego-fuelled all-star shindig of the summer.

It's odd, isn't it, how you can sometimes find yourself with a grudging respect for someone you previously had no time for? Like when Michael Winner called Richard Littlejohn an "arsehole" on live television, thereby almost redeeming himself after producing years of misogynist hateful rubbish. Almost. A similar thing has happened with Matt Bellamy of rocker-types Muse. Hecklerspray, you see, hasn't really seen eye to eye with Muse in the past - mainly because they're a bunch of wailing unoriginal prog-borers who no doubt foam with excitement whenever they're within thirty feet of a Pink Floyd record. And now? Now we're going to add them to our Christmas card list. Why? Because - unlike so many publicity-seeking celebrity idiots - they're one of the first people to actually question the logic of holding a gigantic energy-devouring concert in order to 'tackle' climate change. We're talking, of course, about Live Earth - officially all set to be the hypocritical ego-fuelled all-star shindig of the summer.
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Sheryl Crow Stops All Global Warming With A Tour

by Stuart Heritage

Hecklerspray is committed to ending climate change, which explains our policy of cooling global temperature by leaving all refrigerator doors wide open and keeping the air-con on full-whack 24/7 – but Sheryl Crow seems to be doing more than us.

Because Sheryl Crow has realised the only way to end global warming is by travelling around America, only occasionally stopping to sing All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun at a bunch of students while Larry David’s wife gives them all a lightbulb. That’s right – Sheryl Crow is going on tour to stop global warming, and she isn’t going to quit until all global warming is a thing of the past. Or until next Sunday. Whichever one comes first.

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Spandau Ballet To Reform! In 2011! Possibly!

by Stuart Heritage

The UK music scene has been missing something for a number of years now – specifically it’s been missing a fat shouting man, a bit-part actor, a bloke who’s in a band with one of Buck’s Fizz, a TV advert sofa salesman and a drummer.

That’s Spandau Ballet, if you hadn’t already guessed. Spandau Ballet are all set to spectacularly reform, it was revealed yesterday. OK, that’s not strictly true – Spandau Ballet might be set to spectacularly reform. OK, that’s not completely true either – Spandau Ballet might be set to spectacularly reform in about four years’ time if fat singer Tony Hadley gets his way. Possibly. Even though everyone from Spandau Ballet openly hates everyone else from Spandau Ballet. And this is the biggest news in England today.

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Madonna To Pointlessly Headline Live Earth At Wembley

by Stuart Heritage

Climate change is possibly the single biggest threat to life on Earth at the moment, and something really substantial is needed to tackle the problem once and for all, so thank God that scientists have finally found the cure – it’s Razorlight.

Razorlight are just one of the groups who’ll be playing the UK leg of the global Live Earth concerts at Wembley Stadium in July, along with Madonna, Snow Patrol, Damien Rice, James Blunt, Keane, David Gray and all sorts of other bands hoping to raise awareness about climate change by all flying to London in carbon-spewing planes in order to consume vast amounts of electricity lighting and amplifying themselves for the benefit of tens of thousands of fans who’ll also drive their gas-guzzling cars to London for the occasion, not to mention the billions of viewers at home who’ll be urged to leave their televisions on all day just to see a bunch of sappy bands play turgid songs. We can’t wait.

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Climate change is possibly the single biggest threat to life on Earth at the moment, and something really substantial is needed to tackle the problem once and for all, so thank God that scientists have finally found the cure - it's Razorlight. Razorlight are just one of the groups who'll be playing the UK leg of the global Live Earth concerts at Wembley Stadium in July, along with Madonna, Snow Patrol, Damien Rice, James Blunt, Keane, David Gray and all sorts of other bands hoping to raise awareness about climate change by all flying to London in carbon-spewing planes in order to consume vast amounts of electricity lighting and amplifying themselves for the benefit of tens of thousands of fans who'll also drive their gas-guzzling cars to London for the occasion, not to mention the billions of viewers at home who'll be urged to leave their televisions on all day just to see a bunch of sappy bands play turgid songs. We can't wait. More...
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