Music News
There are all kinds of jokes about how old The Rolling Stones are - jokes like the one about how colostomy bags are on their tour rider - but now The Rolling Stones are officially very old.
The Rolling Stones are now so old that they are now too old to watch themselves when they perform at the Super Bowl in one month's time. Even Ronnie Wood - the effervescent young one in The Rolling Stones at 58 years old - missed the age cut-off by a full thirteen years.
Say a prayer for Richard Ashcroft, he's going to hell. Or so may think the religiously devout. Endless pain and torment will bring him right around, won't it?
Ashcroft reportedly said in a reference to Jesus: "I feel like him." Now hecklerspray has no idea what that means, but it's probably blasphemous, hedonistic, and chock full of brimstone. So what we'd like to do is have everyone meet near the base of Big Ben later today, bring a five pound Bible, several silver bullets and socks full of AA batteries. We're also gonna need a Mapquest printout to his house, so if someone could grab one of those while they're at work...
And Jimmy, if you could watch the end of Dracula to see how they finally killed him we'd appreciate it.
Hey kids! You're cool, aren't you? You like all the cool things that your peers like, don't you? Things like guitars, stagediving and grotesque antlers growing out of your head? Then Fall Out Boy are the band for you.
Fall Out Boy are enormous in America - we're told they convey "emo's earnestness and punk-pop's glorious guitar hooks" - and they're heading this way.
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Pete Townsend used to be the snarling face of youthful rebellion. Now he's an old man complaining about young people using iPod headphones to listen to music. Figures.
But he should know - Pete Townsend blames his own loss of hearing on wearing headphones too much. Funny, because we'd have put it down to him slamming electric guitars around in front of giant walls of amplifiers and exploding drumkits every day for 40 years. But hey, Pete knows best.
President George Bush was reported to be "deeply alarmed" yesterday after pop star Pink announced that a song on her new album was to be a direct attack on the man himself.
"The President is seriously considering stepping down," confided a close White House aide. "It was bad enough when Green Day entered the political arena. Now that Pink is involved... well, this changes everything. Foreign policy, healthcare issues, the whole Iraq debate - it's all coming under the spotlight. The most revelatory thing is that..."
...oh, forget it.
You know what? Sometimes being sarcastic just isn't worth the effort. Let's just stick to the facts instead. Anyone remember Pink?
Fans of enormous back-combed hair, spandex and interminable widdly widdly widdly guitar solos rejoice! Van Halen are definitely getting back together according to David Lee Roth.
Roth says that a Van Halen reunion is "inevitable," but he didn't set any dates as to when the hair metallers would get back together, and there's a chance that he was just drawing attention to his new radio show, and not really planning to reform Van Halen at all. That's probably the case, in fact.
We all know that the easiest way to get an Oscar is to wait until a singer dies and then do an impression of him in a film - it worked for Jamie Foxx and it looks like it'll work for Joaquin Phoenix.
And to boost the chances of winning a gazillion Oscars credibility of Phoenix's new Johnny Cash film Walk The Line, Joaquin Phoenix has traced Cash's steps to Folsom Prison - scene of one of the most famous live albums in history - to perform for the inmates there.
On paper, Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have it all - critical acclaim, enormous wealth, a young baby (and another one on the way) and a big house stuffed full of spooky ghosts.
Not that Chris and Gwyneth want a great big house rammed with ghosts, though. In fact, Gwyneth Paltrow is so fed up of being haunted all the time, it's being reported that she's doing the only thing she possibly can - she's having the house exorcised by a bunch of Kabbalah ghostbusters.
