Music News
Adam Lambert Wanted His Album Cover To Look Like That, Honest
The artwork for Adam Lambert's new album For Your Entertainment has already kicked up one hell of a fuss. Why? It's simple. It looks like one of those awful transfer-print T-shirts that people who like wolves buy from tatty market stalls. It looks like something that the redneck wife of a professional wrestling fan would airbrush onto the back of her leather jacket. It looks like a poster that someone you hate would buy. It's bizarre. But it's OK, because Adam Lambert says it's all deliberate. Unfortunately it means that Kris Allen's new album artwork will now probably show him covered in glitter and bumming a unicorn, but we'll deal with that when we have to.
The artwork for Adam Lambert's new album For Your Entertainment has already kicked up one hell of a fuss. Why? It's simple. It looks like one of those awful transfer-print T-shirts that people who like wolves buy from tatty market stalls. It looks like something that the redneck wife of a professional wrestling fan would airbrush onto the back of her leather jacket. It looks like a poster that someone you hate would buy. It's bizarre. But it's OK, because Adam Lambert says it's all deliberate. Unfortunately it means that Kris Allen's new album artwork will now probably show him covered in glitter and bumming a unicorn, but we'll deal with that when we have to.
And Here’s Chris Brown’s New Single (It’s Less Suicidey)
Sorry Rihanna. You may have wrapped yourself in barbed wire and sung about killing yourself, but you've been out-depressed. You see, Chris Brown also has a new single out. And even though your song, Rihanna, was about blowing a gigantic hole in your own chest with a pistol, Chris Brown's new single is immeasurably more depressing simply because it exists. It's called Crawl, and it's a kind of sadsack 'I know I tried to choke you unconscious and bite one of your ears off, but I still love you baby' plea for forgiveness. And it's worked. Oh Chris Brown, we could never stay mad at you, you stupid-toothed, bowtie-wearing, violent, woman-hating twat.
Sorry Rihanna. You may have wrapped yourself in barbed wire and sung about killing yourself, but you've been out-depressed. You see, Chris Brown also has a new single out. And even though your song, Rihanna, was about blowing a gigantic hole in your own chest with a pistol, Chris Brown's new single is immeasurably more depressing simply because it exists. It's called Crawl, and it's a kind of sadsack 'I know I tried to choke you unconscious and bite one of your ears off, but I still love you baby' plea for forgiveness. And it's worked. Oh Chris Brown, we could never stay mad at you, you stupid-toothed, bowtie-wearing, violent, woman-hating twat.
Rihanna Releases A Happy Little Ditty About Suicide
Why, just the other day we were wondering why there aren't any more songs about Rihanna shooting herself in the chest. And here's Russian Roulette. It's serendipity, that's what it is. Russian Roulette is the first single to be released from Rihanna's new album Rated R - the R, if you're wondering, stands for Really Bloody Depressing. Will Rihanna's Russian Roulette take off? We hope not. The last thing we need is a bunch of copy-cat suicide songs from lesser singers - although insiders have informed us that Ciara's forthcoming Do The Toasterbath and Amerie's Let's Push Scorpions Up Our Bumholes are actually pretty catchy.
Why, just the other day we were wondering why there aren't any more songs about Rihanna shooting herself in the chest. And here's Russian Roulette. It's serendipity, that's what it is. Russian Roulette is the first single to be released from Rihanna's new album Rated R - the R, if you're wondering, stands for Really Bloody Depressing. Will Rihanna's Russian Roulette take off? We hope not. The last thing we need is a bunch of copy-cat suicide songs from lesser singers - although insiders have informed us that Ciara's forthcoming Do The Toasterbath and Amerie's Let's Push Scorpions Up Our Bumholes are actually pretty catchy.
Adam Lambert’s Whiny New Song Leaked Onto The Internet
A warning: if you don't like fat teenage girls with silly emo haircuts and black nail polish, stay inside during November. They'll be out in force. Not only is New Moon coming out - which, let's face it, would be bad enough by itself - but it's also when For Your Entertainment, the first album from stupid-haired screeching emo vampire American Idol loser Adam Lambert, is being released. And Adam Lambert's first single has just been leaked onto the internet. It's called Time For Miracles. So long as that miracle involves the entire internet being deleted just to stop us from hearing it, we couldn't agree more.
A warning: if you don't like fat teenage girls with silly emo haircuts and black nail polish, stay inside during November. They'll be out in force. Not only is New Moon coming out - which, let's face it, would be bad enough by itself - but it's also when For Your Entertainment, the first album from stupid-haired screeching emo vampire American Idol loser Adam Lambert, is being released. And Adam Lambert's first single has just been leaked onto the internet. It's called Time For Miracles. So long as that miracle involves the entire internet being deleted just to stop us from hearing it, we couldn't agree more.
Beyonce & Her Immoral Boobs Postpone Malaysian Concert
Yo women, we're real happy for you, we'll let you finish, but Beyonce has some of the most immoral breasts of all time! OF ALL TIME! How immoral are Beyonce's breasts? Beyonce's breasts are so immoral that they've just made her postpone a concert in Malaysia. Apparently the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party is so outraged at the prospect of watching a pretty young woman wiggle her scantily-clad body about that she's decided to pull out. Of course, Beyonce could have just worn a few more clothes, but then people would have had to concentrate on her songs. Talk about a disaster.
Yo women, we're real happy for you, we'll let you finish, but Beyonce has some of the most immoral breasts of all time! OF ALL TIME! How immoral are Beyonce's breasts? Beyonce's breasts are so immoral that they've just made her postpone a concert in Malaysia. Apparently the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party is so outraged at the prospect of watching a pretty young woman wiggle her scantily-clad body about that she's decided to pull out. Of course, Beyonce could have just worn a few more clothes, but then people would have had to concentrate on her songs. Talk about a disaster.
Garth Brooks Is BACK! At Least Pretend That You Care!
For too long, country music has just been about fat old men in big hats playing up to an outdated stereotype. But no more. Because Garth Brooks is back. And, as everybody knows, he's... oh. He's a fat old man in a big hat playing up to an outdated stereotype, isn't he? Bugger. OK, anyway, Garth Brooks has decided to come out of retirement eight long years after everybody forgot that he was ever around in the first place. Oh, we're just kidding. Everybody knows that Garth Brooks is the top-selling solo artist in American history. What? You didn't know that? Depressing, isn't it?
For too long, country music has just been about fat old men in big hats playing up to an outdated stereotype. But no more. Because Garth Brooks is back. And, as everybody knows, he's... oh. He's a fat old man in a big hat playing up to an outdated stereotype, isn't he? Bugger. OK, anyway, Garth Brooks has decided to come out of retirement eight long years after everybody forgot that he was ever around in the first place. Oh, we're just kidding. Everybody knows that Garth Brooks is the top-selling solo artist in American history. What? You didn't know that? Depressing, isn't it?
Michael Jackson Storms American Music Awards, Nobody Knows Why
Honestly, Michael Jackson should have popped his clogs a few years ago - it's done wonders for his career. Take The AMAs. The 2009 American Music Award nominations have just been announced and Michael Jackson is up for five awards, including Best Artist (even though he's dead and hasn't released any new albums for eight years) and Best Album (for a Greatest Hits collection that came out six full years ago). Why has Michael Jackson been nominated so many times? Simple - it's because he's dead and dead people can't make acceptance speeches. Basically it's all a big ploy to ruin Kanye West's fun.
Honestly, Michael Jackson should have popped his clogs a few years ago - it's done wonders for his career. Take The AMAs. The 2009 American Music Award nominations have just been announced and Michael Jackson is up for five awards, including Best Artist (even though he's dead and hasn't released any new albums for eight years) and Best Album (for a Greatest Hits collection that came out six full years ago). Why has Michael Jackson been nominated so many times? Simple - it's because he's dead and dead people can't make acceptance speeches. Basically it's all a big ploy to ruin Kanye West's fun.
Michael Jackson’s New Song Actually Some Puerto Rican’s Old Song
When you heard Michael Jackson's new single This Is It yesterday, you probably thought "Wow, Michael's still got it." And you're right. Michael Jackson has still got it. It's just that 'it' in this case refers to an 18-year-old collection of obscure Puerto Rican pop songs. Because This Is It was first released in 1991 by an artist called Sa-Fire, who we haven't heard of either. What's more, it's been announced that Paul Anka will get half of the royalties from This Is It, ensuring him a massive payday. So just imagine how much bigger the payday would have been if the song was actually any good.
When you heard Michael Jackson's new single This Is It yesterday, you probably thought "Wow, Michael's still got it." And you're right. Michael Jackson has still got it. It's just that 'it' in this case refers to an 18-year-old collection of obscure Puerto Rican pop songs. Because This Is It was first released in 1991 by an artist called Sa-Fire, who we haven't heard of either. What's more, it's been announced that Paul Anka will get half of the royalties from This Is It, ensuring him a massive payday. So just imagine how much bigger the payday would have been if the song was actually any good.
