Movie Gossip
GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra Eye-Waggles The Weekend Box Office
Right then, GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is the number one movie at the weekend box office. This much we know. But that’s it. That’s literally it. Ahead of its release, Paramount decided not to screen GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra for anyone - and we’re not stupid enough to actually pay to see it - so we haven’t got the slightest clue what happens anywhere in the movie whatsoever. We think it’s got a cobra in it. And some bloke called Joe. And it’s about Action Man, so none of the characters have any genitals. That would make sense.
Right then, GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is the number one movie at the weekend box office. This much we know. But that’s it. That’s literally it. Ahead of its release, Paramount decided not to screen GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra for anyone - and we’re not stupid enough to actually pay to see it - so we haven’t got the slightest clue what happens anywhere in the movie whatsoever. We think it’s got a cobra in it. And some bloke called Joe. And it’s about Action Man, so none of the characters have any genitals. That would make sense.
Funny People Rib-Tickles The Weekend Box Office
Funny People is the top movie at the weekend box office this week, and it’s not difficult to see why. No, not because of Adam Sandler. Or Seth Rogen. Or Judd Apatow. No, Funny People is number one at the weekend box office because there’s nothing that people love more than ridiculously long films that don’t really seem to go anywhere and aren’t quite as funny as anyone expected. But still, Funny People’s US weekend box office success proves that you don’t need flashy CGI characters to be popular - just Adam Sandler being slightly less unbearable than he usually is.
Funny People is the top movie at the weekend box office this week, and it’s not difficult to see why. No, not because of Adam Sandler. Or Seth Rogen. Or Judd Apatow. No, Funny People is number one at the weekend box office because there’s nothing that people love more than ridiculously long films that don’t really seem to go anywhere and aren’t quite as funny as anyone expected. But still, Funny People’s US weekend box office success proves that you don’t need flashy CGI characters to be popular - just Adam Sandler being slightly less unbearable than he usually is.
Twilight: Eclipse – Rachelle Lefevre Gets A Strop On
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse was probably going to be the biggest film of Rachelle Lefevre's entire career. Not the best film, mind you. After all, if you looked back on your life and realised that its defining highpoint involved playing a grumpy lady vampire in a terrible kid's film alongside a man with a face like stern twig, you'd probably consider your entire time on Earth to be a catastrophic failure. But despite that, Eclipse was going to be Rachelle Lefevere's biggest film. But it won't be now - she's been replaced with Bryce Dallas Howard. Rachelle Lefevre's reaction? Blind fury.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse was probably going to be the biggest film of Rachelle Lefevre's entire career. Not the best film, mind you. After all, if you looked back on your life and realised that its defining highpoint involved playing a grumpy lady vampire in a terrible kid's film alongside a man with a face like stern twig, you'd probably consider your entire time on Earth to be a catastrophic failure. But despite that, Eclipse was going to be Rachelle Lefevere's biggest film. But it won't be now - she's been replaced with Bryce Dallas Howard. Rachelle Lefevre's reaction? Blind fury.
Twilight: Eclipse – Bryce Dallas Howard Is Your New Hate Target, Fangirls
Oh no. Twilight has started swapping its actors around again, and you know how furious that makes its fans. So who's out now? Has Taylor Lautner been elbowed? Has the recession forced producers to replace two of the New Moon Wolf Pack with some rudimentary kebab-meat statues of Adam Rickett? Has Robert Pattinson quit Twilight because he's tired wiping teeny urine off his front door every morning? No. It's the character of Victoria - Rachelle Lefevre is out and Bryce Dallas Howard is in. We suppose we should draft up that 'Robert Pattinson gets Bryce Dallas Howard pregnant' article, then.
Oh no. Twilight has started swapping its actors around again, and you know how furious that makes its fans. So who's out now? Has Taylor Lautner been elbowed? Has the recession forced producers to replace two of the New Moon Wolf Pack with some rudimentary kebab-meat statues of Adam Rickett? Has Robert Pattinson quit Twilight because he's tired wiping teeny urine off his front door every morning? No. It's the character of Victoria - Rachelle Lefevre is out and Bryce Dallas Howard is in. We suppose we should draft up that 'Robert Pattinson gets Bryce Dallas Howard pregnant' article, then.
G-Force Does A Sausagey Rodent Poo On The Weekend Box Office
G-Force sounded great, didn’t it? For a start, it’s called G-Force, so that promises all sorts of explosions and excitement. And it stars Will Arnett, Tracy Morgan, Bill Nighy, Zach Galifianakis, Nicolas Cage, Loudon Wainwright III, Penelope Cruz, Steve Buscemi and Sam Rockwell too, so we assumed that it had to be excellent. But no, G-Force is a film about some guinea pigs. And it looks like the worst film ever made. But, hey, it’s number one at the weekend box office this week, so what do we know? Other than that all people are idiots, obviously.
G-Force sounded great, didn’t it? For a start, it’s called G-Force, so that promises all sorts of explosions and excitement. And it stars Will Arnett, Tracy Morgan, Bill Nighy, Zach Galifianakis, Nicolas Cage, Loudon Wainwright III, Penelope Cruz, Steve Buscemi and Sam Rockwell too, so we assumed that it had to be excellent. But no, G-Force is a film about some guinea pigs. And it looks like the worst film ever made. But, hey, it’s number one at the weekend box office this week, so what do we know? Other than that all people are idiots, obviously.
New Moon Essentially Floods Comic-Con With Teenage Wee-Wee
No no no, this won't do at all. Everyone knows that Comic-Con is a place for lonely, slightly pallid boys. That's how it works. They wander around a giant warehouse whooping at Damon Lindelof and then go home to beat one out over the rapidly-fading memory of the booby model employed to dress up like She-Hulk. Lonely girls at Comic-Con? No. Lonely girls at Comic-Con who make noises like faulty rape alarms whenever Robert Pattinson is about to take his top off? Definitely not. But that's basically what happened when New Moon was unveiled at Comic-Con yesterday. It sounds unbearable.
No no no, this won't do at all. Everyone knows that Comic-Con is a place for lonely, slightly pallid boys. That's how it works. They wander around a giant warehouse whooping at Damon Lindelof and then go home to beat one out over the rapidly-fading memory of the booby model employed to dress up like She-Hulk. Lonely girls at Comic-Con? No. Lonely girls at Comic-Con who make noises like faulty rape alarms whenever Robert Pattinson is about to take his top off? Definitely not. But that's basically what happened when New Moon was unveiled at Comic-Con yesterday. It sounds unbearable.
Sam Raimi Does World Of Warcraft: Will It Be Brilliant Or Rubbish?
World Of Warcraft is huge - if you're a lonely single male who smells like his own underwear, you'll know this. But what next? Once you've created a game as all-encompassing as World Of Warcraft - where you're guaranteed to never be more than three feet away from a Korean adolescent with crippling emotional problems - what do you do next? Simple, you turn it into a blockbuster movie featuring a procession of silly haircuts and a borderline-harrowing egg-based musical interlude. That is to say that Sam Raimi, director of Spider-Man 3 and no other films, is making a World Of Warcraft movie.
World Of Warcraft is huge - if you're a lonely single male who smells like his own underwear, you'll know this. But what next? Once you've created a game as all-encompassing as World Of Warcraft - where you're guaranteed to never be more than three feet away from a Korean adolescent with crippling emotional problems - what do you do next? Simple, you turn it into a blockbuster movie featuring a procession of silly haircuts and a borderline-harrowing egg-based musical interlude. That is to say that Sam Raimi, director of Spider-Man 3 and no other films, is making a World Of Warcraft movie.
New Moon: The Movie That Will Stop You Liking Radiohead
The worst thing about Twilight was probably the music. No - Kristen Stewart. No - Robert Pattinson. No - everything. But the music was pretty awful. Fake-angsty nonsense, all of it - from that Linkin Park song that sounds like the Self Harm preset on Fred Durst's old Casio to two songs by Paramore, presumably included so that people would remember Twilight as the movie with the really crappy soundtrack in case the rest of it turned out forgettable. But the New Moon soundtrack is going to be different - Thom Yorke from Radiohead wants to appear it. We really wish we were joking.
The worst thing about Twilight was probably the music. No - Kristen Stewart. No - Robert Pattinson. No - everything. But the music was pretty awful. Fake-angsty nonsense, all of it - from that Linkin Park song that sounds like the Self Harm preset on Fred Durst's old Casio to two songs by Paramore, presumably included so that people would remember Twilight as the movie with the really crappy soundtrack in case the rest of it turned out forgettable. But the New Moon soundtrack is going to be different - Thom Yorke from Radiohead wants to appear it. We really wish we were joking.
