Movie Gossip
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs Still Weekend Box Office #1
Why didn't we see this coming? What are the two things that people love more than anything else? That's right. Meteorology and mechanically-reclaimed meatstuffs. And that's why Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs is the weekend box office number one again. It's not because no good films were released this week, or because all people are stupid. It's because Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs finally combined the public's twin loves of overcast weather and globs of nonspecific meat. Or not. Look, it's a cartoon about meatballs. We're finding it hard to care about this one, to be honest.
Why didn't we see this coming? What are the two things that people love more than anything else? That's right. Meteorology and mechanically-reclaimed meatstuffs. And that's why Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs is the weekend box office number one again. It's not because no good films were released this week, or because all people are stupid. It's because Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs finally combined the public's twin loves of overcast weather and globs of nonspecific meat. Or not. Look, it's a cartoon about meatballs. We're finding it hard to care about this one, to be honest.
Word On The Street: Fame Remake Sucks
For anyone who hasn't seen the original 1980 version of Fame, it's not exactly what you'd expect. Because you were expecting a grinning mob of leotard whores prancing around, squealing "feel the music!" to one another, whilst occasionally breaking rank to march silently towards a mirror, caressing their bodies, growling like tigers, weren't you? Weren't you? Go on, admit it. You were. And, for the most part, you'd be right. But, the original film was so much more than that. It was bleak. It was brilliant. And the new one, apparently, is a big sack of turds. So says the Boston Herald and LA Times anyway, and they've SEEN it. In the first outing, a cross section of New York "talent" is thrown together in a strict school for special people, who like singing, dancing and acting. The kids sometimes take time to play a cello in the canteen, or dash into the streets because a man in a taxi left his stereo on, and it's playing loud music.
For anyone who hasn't seen the original 1980 version of Fame, it's not exactly what you'd expect. Because you were expecting a grinning mob of leotard whores prancing around, squealing "feel the music!" to one another, whilst occasionally breaking rank to march silently towards a mirror, caressing their bodies, growling like tigers, weren't you? Weren't you? Go on, admit it. You were. And, for the most part, you'd be right. But, the original film was so much more than that. It was bleak. It was brilliant. And the new one, apparently, is a big sack of turds. So says the Boston Herald and LA Times anyway, and they've SEEN it. In the first outing, a cross section of New York "talent" is thrown together in a strict school for special people, who like singing, dancing and acting. The kids sometimes take time to play a cello in the canteen, or dash into the streets because a man in a taxi left his stereo on, and it's playing loud music.
Weekend Box Office: Something About Meatballs Tops The List
Such is the rapid and worrying rise of the machines, that this week's big hit at the pictures is completely animated, in a computer sense. That means that it was crafted by a gaggle of dweeboids in woolen Christmas jumpers, who are now more powerful than Jennifer Lopez and Guy Ritchie put together. This weekend alone, a high pitched squeal of celebrating techno-whizzkids could be heard echoing about the splendid hills of Hollywood, making it rather hard for proven actors to concentrate on servicing whichever downtrodden groupie had lowered their self-esteem enough to become just another glue-like splatter on a massive custom-made bedpost. Because, that's right, topping the US box office charts is Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs - a computerised tale of an inventor turning water into food. A bit like Jesus, but with burgers.
Such is the rapid and worrying rise of the machines, that this week's big hit at the pictures is completely animated, in a computer sense. That means that it was crafted by a gaggle of dweeboids in woolen Christmas jumpers, who are now more powerful than Jennifer Lopez and Guy Ritchie put together. This weekend alone, a high pitched squeal of celebrating techno-whizzkids could be heard echoing about the splendid hills of Hollywood, making it rather hard for proven actors to concentrate on servicing whichever downtrodden groupie had lowered their self-esteem enough to become just another glue-like splatter on a massive custom-made bedpost. Because, that's right, topping the US box office charts is Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs - a computerised tale of an inventor turning water into food. A bit like Jesus, but with burgers.
Mariah Carey Uglies Up For Critics. And It Works!
Hollywood - it's quite a place. And it takes some figuring out, with its crazy unwritten rules, and big fat men on phones calling the shots. But one trick that has surfaced over the last few years is that if you're quite pretty and you want to be taken seriously in a film, you've got to demand that your character is hideous to look at. Philip Seymour Hoffman has been pulling this stunt for years. And, other hotties like Charlize Theron, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman have picked up on it and become so revolting in movies that the pipe smoking women who vote for the Oscars decided that they had sacrificed enough for a statuette. Now, you can add another unusual name to that list of stunners-gone-ugly - Mariah Carey.
Hollywood - it's quite a place. And it takes some figuring out, with its crazy unwritten rules, and big fat men on phones calling the shots. But one trick that has surfaced over the last few years is that if you're quite pretty and you want to be taken seriously in a film, you've got to demand that your character is hideous to look at. Philip Seymour Hoffman has been pulling this stunt for years. And, other hotties like Charlize Theron, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman have picked up on it and become so revolting in movies that the pipe smoking women who vote for the Oscars decided that they had sacrificed enough for a statuette. Now, you can add another unusual name to that list of stunners-gone-ugly - Mariah Carey.
Harry Potter Theme Park To Be Both Gigantic And Underwhelming
As popular as the Harry Potter saga was, we couldn't help but feel that its depiction of Hogwarts was somewhat lacking. And specifically lacking one thing. That's right - thousands of chronically sweating, morbidly obese directionless tourists in gaudily-patterned shorts who are all too busy filming everything for a 19-hour home movie that they'll never watch to properly control their children. But now that's all been fixed - Universal has revealed details of its new The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter theme park. Warning: one of the rides is called 'Flight Of The Hippogriff'. Don't continue reading if you're prone to violent tantrums.
As popular as the Harry Potter saga was, we couldn't help but feel that its depiction of Hogwarts was somewhat lacking. And specifically lacking one thing. That's right - thousands of chronically sweating, morbidly obese directionless tourists in gaudily-patterned shorts who are all too busy filming everything for a 19-hour home movie that they'll never watch to properly control their children. But now that's all been fixed - Universal has revealed details of its new The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter theme park. Warning: one of the rides is called 'Flight Of The Hippogriff'. Don't continue reading if you're prone to violent tantrums.
Weekend Box Office Number 1: Generic Tyler Perry Product #82
Good old Tyler Perry. There genuinely isn’t a traditional box office lull that he isn’t ready to plug with one of his awful films. This time it’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself. Or, to be more accurate, Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself. He adds his name to everything you see, just so audiences can be certain that they’re watching genuine Tyler Perry mawkish, unfunny, boring, Chicken Soup For The Soul-esque dreary codswallop instead of an inferior imitation. Anyway, that’s the weekend box office number one. So it’s true - there really are that many idiots in America.
Good old Tyler Perry. There genuinely isn’t a traditional box office lull that he isn’t ready to plug with one of his awful films. This time it’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself. Or, to be more accurate, Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself. He adds his name to everything you see, just so audiences can be certain that they’re watching genuine Tyler Perry mawkish, unfunny, boring, Chicken Soup For The Soul-esque dreary codswallop instead of an inferior imitation. Anyway, that’s the weekend box office number one. So it’s true - there really are that many idiots in America.
Oliver Stone & Hugo Chavez: BFFs 4Eva
Look, it's a quiet day. The nearest thing to news that's happened recently is some Venezuelan bloke going to see a film. So let's try to pad that out into a story. Of course, it helps that the Venezuelan bloke was Hugo Chavez. And the film he went to see was a movie about himself. And it was directed by Oliver Stone. And he went to see it a red carpet premiere at the Venice Film Festival. And his presence alone gave everyone who's ever worked for Fox News a debilitating aneurism. But let's pad that out into a story.
Look, it's a quiet day. The nearest thing to news that's happened recently is some Venezuelan bloke going to see a film. So let's try to pad that out into a story. Of course, it helps that the Venezuelan bloke was Hugo Chavez. And the film he went to see was a movie about himself. And it was directed by Oliver Stone. And he went to see it a red carpet premiere at the Venice Film Festival. And his presence alone gave everyone who's ever worked for Fox News a debilitating aneurism. But let's pad that out into a story.
The Final Destination Nailguns The Weekend Box Office’s Face Off
Eat it, James Cameron - all that talk about Avatar ushering in a new era of 3D magic was a lot of tits. For starters, Avatar looks like bum. And secondly, Avatar can't usher in a new era of 3D magic because The Final Destination has already ushered it in. For the second week on the trot, The Final Destination is number one at the weekend box office. Why? Well, what would you rather watch in 3D? A blue Jar Jar Binks buggering about pointlessly, or a woman getting her face smashed off by a runaway racing car tyre? Exactly.
Eat it, James Cameron - all that talk about Avatar ushering in a new era of 3D magic was a lot of tits. For starters, Avatar looks like bum. And secondly, Avatar can't usher in a new era of 3D magic because The Final Destination has already ushered it in. For the second week on the trot, The Final Destination is number one at the weekend box office. Why? Well, what would you rather watch in 3D? A blue Jar Jar Binks buggering about pointlessly, or a woman getting her face smashed off by a runaway racing car tyre? Exactly.
