It Will Kill You

Polar bears are arseholes. Yes, they look adorable and they advertise mints and they’re a heartbreaking symbol of global warming, but they’re also arseholes. Because they will kill you.

The most carnivorous of all bears, the polar bear’s diet usually consists of seal and walrus, which the bear stalks and then kills by smashing its skull with its paws. But occasionally polar bears go after humans too, and although some survive the attacks, like the Yukon man who was lucky to escape with his life (images of his injuries are here, but they’re gross), many end up mauled to death. Stupid polar bears.

Fed up with endless internet pictures of two puppydogs kissing on the lips? Good, here's It Will Kill You.

This week's It Will Kill You is the Anaconda. Growing up to about 30 feet in length, the Anaconda is a type of aquatic boa that inhabits swamps and rivers in South America. The Anaconda will kill you by constriction. Looping its body around its prey, the Anaconda will squeeze tighter and tighter until has crushed the air out of the prey, at which point it will unhinge its jaws and swallow the victim whole.

Anacondas usually eat pigs, deer, small crocodiles and fish. And your children. Oh, and yes - it will kill you. There's probably one that stares at you when you sleep, and one that lives in your toilet water waiting to pounce.

You know what we're sick of? Bloody internet folk banging on about otters and kittens and other assorted cute rubbish. It's time to fight back. It's time for It Will Kill You.

You know, animals aren't cute at all. Animals are bastards and would kill you in a second if you gave it the chance. All animals. Especially today's It Will Kill You star, the komodo dragon. The largest living lizard, the komodo dragon eats animals by pinning them down with its heavy forearms and tearing chunks out of their body.

For smaller animals, up to the size of a goat, the komodo dragon can dislocate its jaw and swallow it whole, often helping it down by ramming it against a tree, sometimes until the tree falls down. The komodo dragon's red saliva is so full of bacteria that one bite will kill you with septicaemia. The komodo dragon eats birds, monkeys, deer, horses, goats and human corpses. And, although this video shows that sometimes a komodo dragon can't keep its food down, make no mistake - it will kill you.