From the category archives:

Games

SLACKERJACK – Clash N Slash

by Stuart Heritage

Clash N Slash is not, thankfully, a supergroup comprising of the surviving members of the band who wrote White Riot but with Joe Strummer’s spot replaced with the top-hatted fool from Guns N Roses.

Instead, Clash N Slash is something of a genius little shooing game. All you have to do is protect your little planet from the waves and waves of invading enemies. Sounds simple, but Clash N Slash is easily the most frantic thing you’ll do all day. It’s not unheard of for people to download the full version of Clash N Slash and rack up 30 hours of play on it. You want million miles per hour space blasting action? Clash N Slash has got it. You want giant, scary, almost invincible level bosses? Clash N Slash has got that too. You want a tall man in sunglasses going “widdlywiddlywiddly” on a guitar while his backing band plays Train In Vain? You’d better look somewhere else, buddy.

Play Clash N Slash now

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SLACKERJACK – Mad Cars

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve never met any mad cars, but we’ve met plenty of mad people – like the funny-looking man that touches up girls on the bus and the man who plays a keyboard on the High Street dressed up as the Pope.

But our family history isn’t for now, this is Mad Cars time. Mad Cars is a blinder of a flat out top-down racing game, but Mad Cars goes the extra mile by featuring guns and bombs and fire and death. For hyperspeed, adrenaline-fuelled, flies-on-teeth fun, Mad Cars takes some beating. Of course, it probably helped that – when we played Mad Cars – we were jacked up on booze, red eyed and imagining all our former employers were driving the other cars, screaming “Who’s the boss now? WHO’S THE BOSS NOW?” at the computer. It works, you should try it.

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SLACKERJACK – Flip Or Flop

by Stuart Heritage

The property renovation game is something we think we should get into. Not because we think we’d be any good at it, but because Kirsty Allsop and Sarah Beeny both look a bit dirty.

Until we make our first step, though, there’s always Flip Or Flop. Flip Or Flop is a game where you buy houses, do them up and sell them on for a profit, and Flip Or Flop blinking well rocks. As with most games of this sort, Flip Or Flop has a spurious backstory about a tax-dodging granny or something, but that’s not in the least bit important because Flip Or Flop is such crazy fun you wouldn’t believe it. Ironic really, we’d rather chew off our arm than actually wallpaper a real wall, but plonk us in front of Flip Or Flop and we suddenly become Linda Flamin’ Barker. Perhaps it’s because Flip Or Flop has a better soundtrack than our real life, which is mostly made up of sobbing. Download the full version of Flip Or Flop and you’ll have a phenomenal 99 properties to do up.

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SLACKERJACK – Fantasy Roller Coaster

by Stuart Heritage

We used to think that roller coasters were cool, and then we heard all the stories about the roller coaster crashes and deaths and scalp-removals. Which makes Fantasy Roller Coaster the safe – and beautiful – option.

In Fantasy Roller Coaster, you take control of a roller coaster train and attack some incredibly freakish courses. High climbs, giant leaps across broken tracks – Fantasy Roller Coaster gives you the chance to try and somehow brake and accelerate across these courses without crashing in a giant bloody heap. If you enjoy this sort of thing, you’ll be blown away by the stunning real-life physics in Fantasy Roller Coaster; but if that doesn’t mean anything to you, then the truly gorgeous hand-painted Fantasy Roller Coaster backgrounds will. We love Fantasy Roller Coaster more than a bucket of deep fried Cadbury’s Creme Eggs.

Play Fantasy Roller Coaster now

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SLACKERJACK – Trial Bike Pro

by Stuart Heritage

“Nyiiiim Nyiiim!” “Vroom!” “Oh, get over that rock you fat piss!” These are just some of the noises you’ll be making as you play Trial Bike Pro, today’s Slackerjack.

Most motorbike games are either all about buzzing round a track as fast as you can, or leaping off ramps and bouncing off seagulls, but Trial Bike Pro isn’t most motorbike games. Instead, Trial Bike Pro forces you to use your arrow keys to navigate your way around some hair-pullingly intricate trial bike courses. After a few minutes trying to buzz your bike over various rocks and logs, your frustration at Trial Bike Pro will be matched only by the thankful feeling in your stomach when you realise that you’re not the guy in Trial Bike Pro getting dropped on his head every three seconds.

Download Trial Bike Pro now

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SLACKERJACK – Chicken Invaders 2

by Stuart Heritage

There’s something fishy about the chicken. How can something like the chicken be so stupid, taste the same as all other meat and be the symbol for the French national football team all at once?

Perhaps, just perhaps, the chicken isn’t of this world. That’s what Chicken Invaders 2 seems to think at least. Chicken Invaders 2 is a spacey shooter so maddeningly addictive and playable that we haven’t been able to stop blasting waves and waves of alien chicken ass since we first set eyes on it. We never played Chicken Invaders 1, but frankly we’re pleased about that – if Chicken Invaders 1 was half as absorbing as Chicken Invaders 2, we’d have ended up dedicating our lives to invading chickens. Not in a dirty way, mind you. We don’t want to go the same way as Uncle Jerry.

Download Chicken Invaders 2 now

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SLACKERJACK – Ant Wars

by Stuart Heritage

It’s the summertime, and that’s traditionally the season when ants bugger up our fun. Go outside for even a second and the ants are crawling up your trousers and stripping your legs of flesh. The tiny, organised bastards.

Much better than real ants are computer ants, like the ants in Ant Wars. In Ant Wars, you build up a colony of ants, from a simple handful of ants in a single anthill to a giant empire of a billion ants. You’ll do this by keeping an eye on weather, skilfully juggling your attributes and looking out for scraps of food to keep your swarm of ants from starvation. We know what you’re thinking: where does the ‘wars’ part of ‘ant wars’ come in? Well, in Ant Wars, you’ll have to do battle with frogs, crows, termites, wasps and scorpions. You’ll be playing Ant Wars all weekend if you’re not careful.

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SLACKERJACK – Cake Mania

by Stuart Heritage

So many games these days are all about chasing ninjas around and blowing them up. Which is great, but where are all games about cakes? And, to be more specific, cake maniacs?

We’ve got the answer for you today in the form of Cake Mania. Now, baking cakes and eating them all yourself is a very bad thing – just ask Lisa Riley – but in Cake Mania, you bake a bunch of cakes and then sell them for cash to help your poor grandmother save her family business in the face of a giant supermarket. And that’s a very good thing. Cake Mania has insanely addictive gameplay, Cake Mania has a moral message about the dangers of globalisation and – most importantly – Cake Mania has cakes. Lots of cakes.

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SLACKERJACK – Thin Squares

by Stuart Heritage

Games like Thin Squares are ten a penny these days – you’re a blank and you have to collect all the blanks and avoid all the other blanks. So what, big deal.

Thin Squares is, on first sight, just like the others. In Thin Squares, you are a square and you have to collect all the squares that are the same colour as you, while avoiding all the black squares. But Thin Squares throws a few extra bombs into the ring to propell it into something much better – namely the Thin Squares power-ups. They’ll make you bigger, make you slower and – in one particularly fiendish manouver – make you completely blind.

Play Thin Squares now

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Lost Videogame Coming To Confuse Your Ass

by Stuart Heritage

Christ, Lost is annoying isn’t it? We’ve spent months and months screaming “Hanso? Pearl? Joop? Huh? Walt? WALT!” at our TV even though we know there’ll be no answers for years.

And if just watching Lost wasn’t confusing enough for you, you’re in for a treat. Ubisoft – which made Tom Clancey’s Splinter Cell – is developing a Lost videogame. Fantastic, now you can be gormlessly confused about Lost in a brand new, bleeding-edge interactive way.

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