From the category archives:

Games

SLACKERJACK – Dog Courage

by Stuart Heritage

Memory is a bastard, isn’t it? People keep forgetting where they’ve put their keys, or forgetting what their friend’s new girlfriend is called, or forgetting not to put their hands into blenders.

Dog Courage is a memory game of sorts. We think. Dog Courage is a bit Japanese, and we sort of bumbled our way through it. But as far as we know, there’s a dog holding up all kinds of stuff, and you have to memorise it in order to open some doors. The further you get through Dog Courage, the longer the list of items you have to memorise. Dog Courage won’t improve your memory enough for you to become one of those people who can memorise telephone book, but they’re gits anyway.

Play Dog Courage now

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SLACKERJACK – The Invisible Quest

by Stuart Heritage

Whatever happened to all the easy games? The games where you just have to jump on baddies and collect gold coins? Because we’ve played The Invisible Quest, and it’s the exact opposite of easy.

The Invisible Quest is like one of those funfair games where you have to move the metal bar across a course without touching the sides. That’s difficult enough, but imagine that you’re playing it with no eyes. And no hands. In zero gravity. While bungee jumping. In The Invisible Quest, you see, you have to guide your cursor through a maze even though your cursor is invisible.

Play The Invisible Quest now

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SLACKERJACK – DIY Battle

by Stuart Heritage

It’s an age-old question: are men or women better at DIY? Obviously the answer is equally as age-old: men are better, you divvy. But that doesn’t stop people asking it all the time.

The latest effort in this argument is DIY Battle, a game made to promote the book DIY: Know-How with Show-How by Peter Parham & Julian Cassell. And it’s beautiful. In DIY Battle, you choose from a range of men and women, and embark upon a sort of battle of the sexes game of paper scissors stone, but with DIY equipment instead of funny hand symbols. Just by itself, DIY Battle is worth a piece of anyone’s time – but throw in the chance of winning a 42″ plasma TV and DIY Battle becomes damn-near essential.

Play DIY Battle now

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Play Poseidon Ship Shake

by Stuart Heritage

Remember The Poseidon Adventure? Of course you do – it’s the 1972 film where a massive ship sinks. No, not Titanic, The Poseidon Adventure. It’s always on the telly, come on.

Anyway, The Poseidon Adventure has been remade into Poseidon by Wolfgang Petersen, who also directed Das Boot and The Perfect Storm. Will Poseidon be good like Das Boot or will Poseidon be crap like The Perfect Storm? You can make your mind up when Poseidon is released next month.

In the mean time, though, here’s a Poseidon Ship Shake viral to lark about with. There’s a beautiful ship in a bottle, and you can move it around. What happens next? Well here’s a hint – the viral is called Ship Shake, and Poseidon is a film about a big ship that gets hit by a tidal wave and sinks. What do you think happens? Suffice to say, we’re never getting on another boat as long as we live.

Play Poseidon Ship Shake now

Remember The Poseidon Adventure? Of course you do - it's the 1972 film where a massive ship sinks. No, not Titanic, The Poseidon Adventure. It's always on the telly, come on. Anyway, The Poseidon Adventure has been remade into Poseidon by Wolfgang Petersen, who also directed Das Boot and The Perfect Storm. Will Poseidon be good like Das Boot or will Poseidon be crap like The Perfect Storm? You can make your mind up when Poseidon is released next month. In the mean time, though, here's a Poseidon Ship Shake viral to lark about with. There's a beautiful ship in a bottle, and you can move it around. What happens next? Well here's a hint - the viral is called Ship Shake, and Poseidon is a film about a big ship that gets hit by a tidal wave and sinks. What do you think happens? Suffice to say, we're never getting on another boat as long as we live. Play Poseidon Ship Shake now
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SLACKERJACK – Chick Flick

by Stuart Heritage

There are two definitions of a chick flick. 1) A chick flick is a rubbish film about flowers and feelings and lovely nuns riding rainbows all the way to the candyfloss castle on the moon. 2) Chick Flick is a game where you bounce baby chickens into a nest with a trampoline.

You’ll be pleased to hear that today’s Chick Flick is the latter Chick Flick. Chicks fall from the sky, and you have to chase them and flick the little bleeders into the nest in the middle of the screen. Despite looking so cutesy that we actually threw up eight or nine times while we were playing it, Chick Flick can get crazy difficult. Be warned.

Play Chick Flick now

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SLACKERJACK – Dry Fire

by Stuart Heritage

Oh, how we wish for a giant laser cannon sometimes. Stuck behind a legion of confused elderly tourists in a tube station? Laser cannon! No more problems. Can’t cross a busy road? Laser cannon! Now you can.

Obviously, anyone walking around the streets with a laser cannon strapped to their heads might get a few funny looks, so the rest of us will have to make do with Dry Fire. In Dry Fire, you play a giant laser cannon, and you have to mow down any people or vehicles that are trying to attack you. Dry Fire is a simple enough game, but what makes Dry Fire special is all the blood and screaming. Obviously.

Play Dry Fire Now

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SLACKERJACK – Fruit Smash

by Stuart Heritage

As far as spectacular game names go, Fruit Smash doesn’t exactly rock our socks off. The act of smashing fruit isn’t a particularly difficult one, so faced with a game called Fruit Smash, most people turn and walk away.

And more fool them, because Fruit Smash is a blisteringly addictive puzzle game. On the surface, it’s another one of those ‘line up three identical objects’ game, but it’s one of the best that we’ve ever played. Fruit Smash moves at such a frenetic pace as you try desperately to see where the next move will come from. The motto of Fruit Smash isn’t ‘you pause, you die,’ but it should be. Fruit Smash took over hours of our life.

Play Fruit Smash now

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SLACKERJACK – Dragon Dash

by Stuart Heritage

Dragons are everywhere you look these days; in The Never-Ending Story, in Chinese carnivals, on the mantlepieces of all kinds of creepy friendless people.

Dragon Dash is a game involving, unsurprisingly, a dragon. And – boy oh boy – is he ever in a hurry! The aim of Dragon Dash is to guide a dragon along a cave without hitting the sides, using your spacebar. Hit the side and you slow down. Pick up an orb and you speed up. Press Shift and the dragon unleashes a furious fire tantrum to destroy the village and all of the beholden jewels. Or does it? Of course not, you big fool.

Play Dragon Dash Now

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SLACKERJACK – Dancing Onigirl

by Stuart Heritage

Here at hecklerspray, we’re constantly reminded of our status as fifth-class human beings. The way that we can’t open doors properly, the way that we once accidentally rubbed butter in our hair, and the way that we completely suck balls at Dancing Onigirl.

Dancing Onigirl is a computer keyboard version of Dance Dance Revolution, but without all the fun. We have a deep fondness for Dance Dance Revolution and – at the cost of countless girlfriends – we regularly take the opportunity to unleash our inner Japanese teenage girl on the dance pad. But Dancing Onigirl is something else entirely.

In Dancing Onigirl, arrows shriek up the screen at an astonishing speed, and it’s up to your fingers to hit your keyboard arrows at the right time. We’re pathetic at Dancing Onigirl, and we only hope that you are too.

Play Dancing Onigirl now

Here at hecklerspray, we're constantly reminded of our status as fifth-class human beings. The way that we can't open doors properly, the way that we once accidentally rubbed butter in our hair, and the way that we completely suck balls at Dancing Onigirl. Dancing Onigirl is a computer keyboard version of Dance Dance Revolution, but without all the fun. We have a deep fondness for Dance Dance Revolution and - at the cost of countless girlfriends - we regularly take the opportunity to unleash our inner Japanese teenage girl on the dance pad. But Dancing Onigirl is something else entirely. In Dancing Onigirl, arrows shriek up the screen at an astonishing speed, and it's up to your fingers to hit your keyboard arrows at the right time. We're pathetic at Dancing Onigirl, and we only hope that you are too. Play Dancing Onigirl now
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SLACKERJACK – Bonobo’s Bongos

by Stuart Heritage

People looking for proof that apes and humans are closely related should look no further than the Bonobo. Bonobos are like chimps, but they frequently have homosexual orgies – just like you do when your Mum’s out.

But however interesting Bonobos are, give them a set of bongos and they turn into dumbass boring idiot hippies, just like humans. And that’s where Bonobo’s Bongos comes in. There are two Bonobos, each with bongos. One Bonobo beats out a funky bongo pattern, and then you have to copy it. Do well in Bonobo’s Bongos and you’ll be greeted with a round of Bonobo applause. Do badly, and the Bonobo will angrily bum you into unconsciousness. Or something.

Play Bonobo’s Bongos now

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