From the category archives:

Games

Halo 3 – It’s Official

by 586 MEDIA

It may be the most obvious and unnecessary launch of all time, but yesterday at Microsoft’s pre-E3 keynote speech Halo 3 was officially announced.

Not only this, but a teaser Halo 3 trailer was screened to a hushed audience and then immediately released onto Xbox Live for download by salivating fans. So huge and rabid is the demand for anything Halo 3 that Microsoft’s Xbox Live service (designed to cope with millions of people online at once) promptly buckled under the weight of traffic for the trailer. Any other than the most lucky had their attempts to download continuously disconnected as everyone and his dog rushed for a taste of the mighty Halo bone.

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SLACKERJACK – Be My Guest

by Stuart Heritage

Some games are all bang bang bang, some games are all think think think; Be My Guest is all cook cook cook. Be My Guest is, for want of a better explanation, a game about making a delicious meal.

In Be My Guest, there are a bunch of hungry people, and you have to set about preparing all their food before they get angry and turn the place over. Mess the food up or give the guests the wrong thing and you’ll lose a life. Be My Guest is all about juggling all kinds of rubbish household chores. Can you get a plate out of a cupboard without burning the chicken or stewing the coffee? Can you pass some ice cream to your guest without over-boiling the noodles? Be My Guest will test you to limits. Kind of.

Play Be My Guest Now

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SLACKERJACK – Four Second Fury

by Stuart Heritage

So many of today’s computer games are long, drawn-out slogs with 45-minute cut scenes and levels that take a week to see through.

Four Second Fury is the exact opposite of this. It’s exactly what is says it is – a game that last four seconds. And then another game that lasts for four seconds. And another one. And another one. In all, there are around 20 four second games, all needing the use of your keyboard’s arrow button and space bar. And it’s brilliant – our only concern with Four Second Fury is that four seconds is a bit too long for our 21st century attention spans. One And A Bit Second Fury next time, please.

Play Four Second Fury Now

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SLACKERJACK – Bomb Wars

by Stuart Heritage

The Internet is brilliant, isn’t it? So many people from around the world can get together and ask “ASL?” to each other until their Mum accidentally unplugs the modem, it’s beautiful.

But now, people don’t just have to engage is unconvincing sex talk with each other over the internet – they can throw bombs at each other, too. Bomb Wars is a kind of tennis-y game, where two players run around chucking bombs at each other. It’s a fun game by itself, but Bomb Wars also lets you play against real people from around the world in real time. In theory, at least – the Bomb Wars server went loopy on us when we tried.

Play Bomb Wars now

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SLACKERJACK – Professor Fizzwizzle

by Stuart Heritage

Why is it that professors are never as clever as you’d expect them to be sometimes. We knew a professor who – in between efforts to bring down the Brazilian government – thought that doing impression of Cartman from South Park was the funniest thing ever. Weirdo.

Professor Fizzwizzle is another stupid professor. Professor Fizzwizzle has built all these teleportation devices to zap him around everywhere, but he can’t get to them. Because of, basically, some ice and a few barrels. Professor Fizzwizzle is a twat. Can you help Professor Fizzwizzle get to the other side of the course?

Play Professor Fizzwizzle now

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SLACKERJACK – James Bunny

by Stuart Heritage

It almost goes without saying that Casino Royale, the new James Bond movie, is going to be a bit disappointing. If only James Bond could be more like James Bunny.

James Bunny, you see, is hard as nails. James Bunny is basically a rabbit with a machine gun and a bazooka. There’s some hokey plot about getting carrots from evil rats, or something, but that doesn’t really matter. James Bunny is a relentless side-scrolling shooter of brain-melting proportions, and we want to hug it until it stops breathing.

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SLACKERJACK – Pimp My Gran

by Stuart Heritage

What makes a good game? Brain-taxing puzzles? Flowing animation? A bunch of blinged-up pensioners larking around like the mental grandparents of the Blazin’ Squad?

Good, because that’s exactly what Pimp My Gran is – it’s a makeover game for the elderly. Because, let’s face it, old people couldn’t dress stylishly to save their bony arses, and Pimp My Gran is out to settle the score. As the badly dressed pensioners approach you, you have to fling items of fly headgear at them to, ahem, pimp them. Pimp My Gran is corking little game, and we were playing it for a lot longer than is really productive.

Play Pimp My Gran now

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SLACKERJACK – Base Jumping

by Stuart Heritage

There was once a game for the Amiga CD32 called Base Jumpers, and it was one of the best games we’ve ever played. You had to race up a building and then jump off to see who could land first.

Today’s Slackerjack is Base Jumping, and it’s the closest thing to Base Jumpers that we’ve ever found. Base Jumping is basically a game of chicken. You play a blob, up against three other base jumping blobs. You have to leap off your platform and unfurl your parachute as late as possible in order to become the first base jumper to reach the ground. Open your parachute too early, and you’ll float to the ground ages after everyone else, open it too late and you’ll squish into the ground. Base Jumping is ace – the game Base Jumping, that is, not the activity. That’s a bit crap.

Play Base Jumping now

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SLACKERJACK – Trampoline Tricks 2

by Stuart Heritage

Make no mistake – trampolines are dumb. They’re just bits of stretched-out material that make you jump higher. Why anyone would want one is beyond us. Besides, trampolines make people look like gormless Blue Peter nitwits.

So, instead of actually getting on a trampoline and jumping about, it’s much better to play Trampoline Tricks 2. Trampoline Tricks 2 is a freestyle trampoline game, where you have 99 seconds to pull as many freaky tricks as you can. having said that, we’re having enough trouble staying on the trampoline, let alone pulling off a Popeye Reverse.

Chances are you’ll do better than us at Trampoline Tricks 2, and you won’t look like a dick doing it, either.

Play Trampoline Tricks 2 now

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SLACKERJACK – Dodgeball

by Stuart Heritage

Dodgeball isn’t just a funny movie where Vince Vaughn plays Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller plays Ben Stiller with a moustache – it’s also a real sport about throwing balls at weak kids and making them cry.

And today, we’ve got some online Dodgeball for you to play. You run around dodging the balls with the arrow keys, and you pick up and throw the balls at your opponent with the spacebar. Hold down the spacebar long enough, and your opponent will disintegrate. Dodgeball the game is just like Dodgeball the movie, only without a crowbarred-in David Hasselhoff cameo.

Play Dodgeball now

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