He’s automatic! He’s systematic! He’s hydromatic! Why, he’s Sonic The Hedgehog actually and he’s coming to make you feel like an overgrown child-man once again.

Surely the slew of Sonic games over the past twenty or so years are enough for you? Together, we’ve gone from Green Hill Zone to Metal Egg Stage 1, we’ve Spinballed and even been to the Winter Olympics with that filthy Italian, surely the only thing left is Sonic and Blue Flashing Ghost from Pac-Man go to Lidl.

But apparently the creators of all those Sonic games seem to not know how not to flog a dead Knuckles and are all set to release another instalment of their new series for every gaming device going, even Android devices, Windows phones and Sega Game Gear probably.

A new video was unveiled by some twat who has some really questionable ideas on what constitutes an acceptable hairstyle to wear in front of human peoples.

Why they didn’t release footage of the actual game is quite baffling, but at least we are shown two of the most important features of the game: the second coming of Metal Sonic and the introduction of the canid parasite Miles “Tails” Prower*.

According to the video, the saga continues in 2012, which will be nice won’t it? We’ll be able to block out the deafening, self centred squawking from people wanking furiously to the Olympics and waving ridiculous Union Jacks and running shoes, so until then, let’s all sing the musical representation of drowning from Sonic until Sega save us with a bubbley rawp-rap.

*The name Miles Prower is a play on ‘miles per hour.’ Amazing fact that isn’t it?

Imagine you have access to an African Bullfrog. Once you’d finished singing The Beatles’ ‘Hey Bulldog’ at it, there’s very little you can do with it away from feeding it and mopping up the mess it makes.

Right?

Wrong. See, one bright bulb decided to get his frog and make it play Ant Crusher (that’s a game you get on phones, y’dozy widge! What have you been doing for the past year?). Of course, what unfurls is asking for trouble. As the kidz say, FAIL.

So, as you might expect, the frog toad thing gamely plays the app game and, if it was a cute creature, you’d be cooing about how adorable it all is.

Of course, it’s a horrible slimy thing that looks like a Merman’s ballbag.

Anyway, stick around to the end of the video.

Seriously, it’s worth it. A frog owning dork gets vague comeuppance and how you’ll titter at slight misfortune.

DO IT NOW.

The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.

Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.

Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.

Although not a new offering from the Rockstar laboratories of prostitute haters, it is the newest of the franchise to reach the imaginary cyber-shelves of the App Store and has even been tinkered with to make the most of the new technologies that weren’t available back in the day, and which we can’t profess to know anything about. Get off our back, we can name all the Kardashians in order of Evil, can you do that? ‘Sackly, now step off.

Returning to Liberty City a decade after the original release was probably going to raise a few eyebrows and call for cries of nepotism and cashing in, but that’s entirely not the case. Yes, it is the same game essentially, and yes, you do have to pay a premium (for iPad games anyway) for a decade old game, but the people from Rockstar haven’t been resting on their smelly bums waiting for you to fork out your hard money in a nostalgic fervour. They’ve tweaked the graphics to take away the odd blurring issue that the original had and gave it a lovely spruce of paint. As well as the important graphics issue which grated cocks back in 2001, they’ve also added a fancy new camera angle which makes the whole thing just like the original Grand Theft Auto. Essentially it’s only a top down view, but for us who still hark back about how fantastic the original Grand Theft Auto was back then, it is a lovely feature.

As you might expect, the controls issue is always a problem with games on iPad, but Rockstar have done the impossible. They’ve made it actually possible to control a 3D character without careening off a cliff or into an bystander. Obviously in GTA3 those are things that you would want to do eventually anyway, but you don’t want to do it involuntarily. The control panels, on both sides of the screen are full of helpful buttons like ‘Walk’, ‘Open Car Door’, ‘Shoot Bitch In Face With Gun’ *paraphrasing* but they aren’t cumbersome or unsightly. They fade in and out when they are in use, and don’t take up space on the playing screen. This might be a problem on the iPhone because of it’s smaller screen, but there was no trouble on the iPad version.

Unfortunately there’s no multiplayer aspects SO FAR, but that’s not to say that there isn’t going to be one in an upcoming update. There’s nothing quite running your girlfriend or boyfriend off the road in their car, only to see it explode into a ball of flames as you burn off to start a new life in a new part of town. It would be nice to see in Grand Theft Auto as well, fnanananaa.

For the remarkable price of ONLY £2.99, the only thing holding you back is if Alexandra Burke herself was selling the fucker on QVC. It’s literally begging for you to play it. And seeing as it’s the season of goodwill to all men, and non-celebrity women, this is either going to get you through some really shit Christmas television, or it’s going to be a great present. Not for us mind, we don’t want anything that you’ve even looked at. We know where you’re eyes have been.

What have you done today? Bet you’ve dragged yourself through your dreary life, bumping into other insignificant doldrumites, who clamour for their carcinogenic hit of Heat magazine to find out what that family of soulless prostitutes we call Kardashians are up to.

Frankly, between us, you sicken us. Maybe you should try a little harder and people will stop thinking you have an alcohol problem and smiling inanely at you when you struggle to open the bottle of Pepsi Max you have with your Boots Meal Deal.

Whereas us, we’ve jumped from cloud to cloud to return an angelic harp to a sad Saint Peter, made a deal with Death himself to let us pass, and ensure that once Britney Spears does pass, she doesn’t return in a zombie form and a red pleather catsuit and managed to lose our girlfriend in a mythical land. So not a bad day’s work really. Bet all the exercise that you’ve had is strumming yourself in the Tesco car park while thinking about how sexy him from Outnumbered is going to be soon. You sicken us.

Of course we could’ve done that all by ourselves, just on the way home from work, but this time it’s because we’ve been testing out the new Dizzy game from the people who made him semi-popular back in the ’80s and ’90s, Codemasters.

Out for iOS, which we don’t need to tell you is what runs on iPhone, the game is a rehash of the 1991 title where you traverse the magical land where eggs can walk, jump, and generally be as philanthropic as you can be, although with spanking new titles that, allegedly, are high definition. Although moving from the pixellated mess of yesteryear is going to be an improvement under any comparison. Look at Steps. They were shit back then, but they’re shitter now because they’re ten years older and still giant assmunchers.

However valiant an effort that Codemasters has put in, it has the same effect as pulling out before spluffing your splaff all up in her bloof.

It’s good, but gaming has moved on immeasurably in the past 18 years and Dizzy hasn’t kept up. The same dodgy controls (weighed down by the failure that is touch screen movement controls) mean that precise jumping you needed back in the 90s is still a problem, and the simplistic ‘Pick something up, take it to someone, use it on that someone’ is still repetitive and, at times, annoying.

Even though the level is very short, you’ll find yourself wandering around aimlessly for hours before giving up, throwing your iPhone on the ground and thinking how awesome it would be if a few letters of the alphabet didn’t exist.

Give Dizzy a wide berth if you want a game that gives some sort of immediate payback. Because, by the time that you do get some payback, you’ve lost interest so much that you don’t care anymore and realise there’s pots of tea to be made and pictures of Jesy from Little Mix to photoshop into hilarious situations.

Shame.

A few weeks ago, Editor Mof bombarded you with some of the greatest music from the history of video games. He steered clear of some of the more obvious titles, sometimes favouring good soundtracks over good games.

However, as technology in gaming marches on, leading us down ever more beautifully decorated linear corridors like lambs ripe for the slaughter, we’re led to ask- what are the greatest video game opening sequences? Those opening movies that draw you in like a moth to a flame or Justin Bieber to a fan’s vagina.

With the release of Harry Gregson-Williams’ collaboration with the London Philarmonic Orchestra which even manages to make a reworking of the Angry Birds soundtrack sound utterly epic, we started to think about the best opening “FMVs” that we had ever seen. The ones that really capture the essence of a game without giving too much away. So here’s ten of the best…

Worms

Worms, as well as being one of the most enjoyable multiplayer games ever made (in its 2D form, thank you very much), has always had the very best opening and incidental sequences to boot. Who can forget the Looney Tunes-esque sound effects and the sheer sense of fun of Team 17, the Yorkshire developer with a sense of humour? No-one. That’s not even to mention the soundtrack.

Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2

Live action openers were pretty commonplace in the early 2000s and Command & Conquer have stuck with their formula throughout the life of their games. Whether you’re a fan of Real Time Strategy or the thought of micro-managing units and tactics leaves you wanting to tear out every follicle of hair on your body, you can’t deny that the opening to Red Alert 2 featuring Ray Wise (out of Twin Peaks) and Barry Corbin (from One Tree Hill, you sad bastards) evokes a sense of the sheer scale of the game. Paratroops over the land of the free and the home of the brave? Crack out the rifles, Marjorie. We’re off to war!

Red Alert 2 was critically acclaimed and with good reason. Giant squid.

Half Life

Your mundane life might not be a million miles away from your trudge to work but the five and half minute opening sequence of Dr Gordon Freeman heading to work in the morning is one of the most memorable movies in the history of video gaming. Not once is there any indication of the sheer level of shit that is about befall the Black Mesa facility. What it delivers in spades is the notion of a man having a seriously bad day.

Battlefield 1942

For the FPS fan boys who will sit and argue until the day that time stops over the minute differences in the Call of Duty & Battlefield series’, we have one of the greatest openings to any game. Ever. The evocative music and historically accurate(ish) depictions of the theatres of war were enough to anoint a new generation in the blood and violence of the first person shooter. The sight of a squadron of bombers flying over a sniper’s hide still sends shivers up the spine to this day.

What it lacked in impressive graphics, Battlefield 1942 more than made up for in charm that was almost instantly lost with the release of Battlefield 2 (despite it keeping the soundtrack). Perhaps there’s something more romantic about World War II. Actually, that’s a bit sick.

Starwing

Starwing’s opening is remarkable on two levels. The first being that it is remarkably similar to Star Wars in its direction and also that, in 1993, it was released on for Super Nintendo. A console that wasn’t capable of supporting 3D graphics. That is, except in Starwing. The antics of Fox McCloud and his supporting cast straight out of a drug addict’s version of Wind & the Willows have gone down in Nintendo folklore and it is due in no small part to this opening.

Bioshock

While more of an opening sequence than an opening movie, the introduction to Bioshock perfectly balances tension with an introduction. Not much is given away and it owes much to the afore-mentioned train sequence from Half Life. Everyone knows that something is bound to go horribly wrong but no clue is given as to what awaits.

The first sight of Rapture is one of the most affecting images in recent years of console gaming and will have given many the awestruck sense of “what could possibly go wrong?”. Little did they know they’d be playing one of the most enjoyable, if flawed games of its generation.

Future  Cop – L.A.P.D.

Remember this one? Mech suits were big news back in the Playstation 1 days and Future Cop was one of the first games to really give them their due. This classic opener explains the both the tone of the game while beautifully satirising popular opinion of LA’s finest. Note the moment when the Police mech blows up a car in the middle of telling it to stop.

Appropriate force? Most certainly.

Dead Rising

What’s not to love about Dead Rising except pretty much everything once you’ve got through the opening half hour of gameplay? It doesn’t matter. We never said that these games had to be much cop. What we love at hecklerspray is a good bit of peril and there’s never anything more perilous than a jaunt through zombie-infested countryside with a small child and a gas guzzling station wagon. After all, what’s a zombie game without some utter idiots around to set the scene?

GTA2

“Isn’t that Jack Branning from Eastenders?!” We hear you scream. It certainly bloody is. Before Scott Maslen made his way onto the UK soap scene, he was the archetype of the Grand Theft Auto franchise- Claude Speed. Ever wondered why the main protagonist in GTA III looked like a spiky-haired prick who was built like a farmhouse covered in a tarpaulin? Scott Maslen is the reason- that’s what he looks like.

This sequence, while being choppy and confused, gives you an excellent idea of what GTA is all about. Running, gunning, driving, dealing drugs and changing the colour of your BMW. The only drawback of course is that GTA2 was set in a ‘near future’ Liberty City where a BMW 5-Series might have been considered a tad out of place. Not to worry though, it was the 90s’. No-one cared.

If you enjoyed that, there’s a short film version where Scott Maslen gets chased by rednecks and steals a van. Super!

Oddworld: Abe’s Odyssey

One of the strangest games of the Playstation generation was, without a shadow of a doubt, Oddworld where the player took on the role of Abe and had to guide him through one of Charlie Sheen’s trips, saving the enslaved populace of a meat processing plant as he went. The title was appropriate because this game was fucking odd. Still, it had a lot of charm and a really noir little intro sequence.

Abe’s adventure was one of the most enduring Playstation platformers due in no small part to the utterly sympathetic characters and often infuriating gameplay but unfortunately, it never successfully made the jump to later generations of consoles.

So what have we missed? Let us know in the comments, you sick puppies.

With the teasing of a new Dizzy hitting the old interwebs as late as yesterday, people were kind of surprised that definite information would be released so soon. It kind of made the whole teasing process pointless, like most attempts at foreplay.

But the news has “finally” been released and the new Dizzy game is going to be… *Mark Ronson style trumpet blare*

A rehash of 1991’s Dizzy: Prince Of The Yolkfolk. Can we have some grumbles with that underwhelming announcement please?

Paul Ranson, the original project manager had these words to say:

“20 years on and Dizzy: Prince of the Yolkfolk remains one of the most memorable games in the series for its puzzles and humour and it’s an absolute pleasure to return to the director’s role for this HD edition.

For once, this is a retro classic that doesn’t require rose-tinted glasses to appreciate its design and gameplay – Dizzy: Prince of the Yolkfolk is simply a great puzzle-solving romp that’s been brought up to date with glorious visuals.”

But if you want to be able to see what you’re doing, you can even switch back to the original, verging on 4-bit graphics if you so wish.

Why you would so wish is beyond us, but different strokes for different folk’s junk innit.

So, it’s out 9th December, expect a review from us around January.

After we’ve decided that it’s actually quite a good thing instead of a CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT ON BEHALF OF EVERYONE FROM THE 80S.

Here’s the ZX Spectrum version for fans of glitchy bip bip music.

RPGs are like the 80s. Before the 80s were cool, they were revered by everyone as being the decade with the most eye meltingly bad fashion/music/celebrities. But that whole decade has had a resurgence in popularity; partly because of Lady Gaga’s vagina, partly because of Brian May’s tenacity (that man will not be forgotten easily).

Whatever the reason, the 80s are back, which is just like the rise in popularity that role playing games have had over the past few years.

Well before the Elder Scrolls and every other game had levelling up characteristics and diluted the market with enough hot RPG action to put you off them for life, there was a lower standard of charming RPG that grabbed us by the soon-to-be short and curlies, before paedophiles became all the rage.

Predominantly made for consoles, these games have lived long, LONG past their shelf lives (much like Brian May) but still remain some of the most sought after games when it comes to re-release songs that are decades old.

Chrono Trigger is one such of those games.

Already out for almost every other gaming platform; DS, Playstation Network, Virtual Console but not XBox Live, it’s finally coming to iOS before the end of the year.

Chrono Trigger is one of, if not THE best role playing games ever created (we’re not going to debate with you whether it is or not; we don’t have enough time for that when we have actual spots to burst), so make sure you pick it up if you can.

It’s not like us to overstate something but IT’S THE BEST GAME FOR THIRTY YEARS.

Bet Brian May can’t say that.

The 1980s were a great time: Kelly Le Brock was still a bodacious chick, 9/11 was still twenty years away, Blossom was still a good decade away, so you didn’t have Joey Lawrence hair envy yet and Dizzy The Magical Fantasist Egg was the alternative to tickling your balls with soda from a SodaStream.

Times may have changed; for instance Kelly Le Brock looks like someone melted a mariachi band, Joey Lawrence is bald and SodaStream still feels great on your nutsack, but Dizzy still remains in the hearts and minds of thirty year old men. Like a pixellated Diana, Princess of Hearts. Only more interesting and a better soundtrack. There’s only so much you can remix screeching tyres and a Martin Bashir interview.

So it’s good news that a new version of Dizzy has been rumoured by Codemasters isn’t it?

Exactly!

The ’80s mascot, who’s career stalled when Edwina Curry went batshit mental about salmonella (probably), is said to be revealed once again tomorrow. Re-revealed, if you will.

The Dizzy franchise has been on hiatus since the 1992 Crystal Kingdom Dizzy, and there was even rumours that the egg hero was set to join Pat Sharp and Sinitta on this year’s I’m A Celebrity, but it was only Fatima Whitbread’s love-eggs. Which Sinitta smuggled in.

The filthy bitch.

There’s no definite word on what platforms the new game will be appearing on, or even whether the Prince of Yolkfolk will be gracing Electronic Boutique or Woolworths shelves before Christmas but that doesn’t matter because you should be getting yourselves to the doctors for anxiety tablets.

If this version of Dizzy is as difficult as the previous outings, with the annoyingly precise jumps, you’ll need diazepam. Troo dat.

Love Mario Kart do you? Get a kick out of throwing bombs at meek looking tortoises do you? You sick, sick excuse for a human being. It’s appalling that you don’t feel any remorse about throwing blunt objects at people’s heads.

It’s not real is it not?

Think again, because the most amazing thing has happened! Someone has gone and made real-life Mario Karts. That’s right. Yes, it is fine to start masturbating now. There’s a video over the jump so you can see them.

If Mario Kart 7 for the Nintendo 3DS wasn’t enough for you (you spoiled shit), then check this out!

Nintendo teamed up with West Coast Customs to make REAL LIFE SIZE YOU CAN DRIVE THEM Mario Karts for the 2011 LA Auto Show.

You make recognise West Coast Customs because they’ve been on television pimping people’s rides. Sorry. Can’t remember what the show is called.

Anyway, they made two vehicles – Mario’s red kart (complete with giant exhaust and hang-glider) and Luigi’s ace Bumble V.

Even better is that one of the karts will eventually be given away to a member of GameStop’s PowerUp Rewards program.

If you know what that means, act now.

Whether you like it or not, the vast majority of the world is made up of people who play video games in one way or another. Yet bafflingly, they’re still seen as a lesser cousin to the pop culture’s big three of music, movies and TV.

This surely has to stop?

Anyway, with a lovely orchestral score of the Zelda theme doing the rounds at the moment, we thought we’d have a look at the best music that has featured on video games. There’s a dazzling amount to choose from… so which have we gone for? Over the jump to listen and disagree.

Thanks to the small matter of the fact that there are around 230gazillion games in existence, we couldn’t even get close to remembering all of our favourite themes and pieces of incidental music.

And so, here’s a snapshot of what we can recall, the things suggested to us on twitter and blah blah.

We’ve tried to avoid games that had soundtracks licensed from proper bands, such as the FIFA franchise and the Grand Theft Auto games… but some may have sneaked in, but we’ll explain why later.

And so, here’s our list of the greatest pieces of music committed to video games. Feel free to submit your own in the comments or, if you prefer, throw all your ire at us because we didn’t include your favourite piece of music from Fantasy World Dizzy or Pitfighter.

>insert coin<

ZELDA

Zelda’s theme(s) are insanely iconic for gamers out there and here’s a rather lovely orchestrated version of it to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the game. If you prefer the original, then click here.

TOEJAM & EARL

While Toejam & Earl may be one of the oddest games to hit paydirt, it certainly had one of the funkiest soundtracks EVER. There was something of George Clinton about the skittery swing-funk that soundtracked the game. Here’s just one of many ace pieces of music you’d find.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

We’ve included the irritatingly catch Spring Yard Zone from the first Sonic game here, but to be honest, we could’ve included more than a dozen pieces of music from the franchise. Instead of doing that, we’ll direct you to the fine notion that Michael Jackson wrote the music for Sonic 3. More on that here.

OUT RUN

Surely everyone on Earth loves the arcade music from Out Run?

RED DEAD REDEMPTION

Despite being one of the most overrated games in history, there’s no denying that the moment you make it to Mexico, and Jose Gonzalez’s ‘So Far Away’ hits you, it’s a rather special moment in the annals of gaming. Yep, it’s a proper artist licensed to a game, but we just couldn’t avoid including it.

MONKEY ISLAND

There is ALWAYS time for a little cod-reggae in video games. ALWAYS.

STREETS OF RAGE 2

Excellent synth rave accompanied one of the best beat ‘em ups ever programmed. We liked being Eddie ‘Skate’ Hunter best. Yuzo Koshiro programmed the music to this, and we ought to thank him by beating up punks with yellow jackets on by lobbing barrels at their heads.

PORTAL

Jonathan Coulton’s ‘Still Alive’ is one of the finest, oddest pieces of video game music ever, largely because it is performed by the malicious A.I. which messses with your head throughout the playing of Portal. After escaping from the labs, an ASCII-based credits screen runs as the computer croons the lyrics at you. Unsettling, catchier than mumps and downright hilarious.

FINAL FANTASY

You can’t really have a gaming soundtrack without including Final Fantasy legend Nobutsuo Uematsu. Here’s a tear jerker for you.

SUPER MARIO

C’mon. This was always going to make an appearance.

TETRIS

Is Tetris (theme A) the catchiest piece of gaming music ever?

ROAD RASH

Road Rash had insanely irritating music if you got to the latter stages of the game, just by virtue of the fact that the tracks were so fiendishly long. However, before they grated your ears off, they were really brilliant. Abrasive shitkicking 8bit rock never sounded so fine.

BLOOD MONEY

A new one on hecklerspray and offered by Mark Webster, unbelievably, this piece of music is from 1989. Just imagine jaws hitting the floor as that rolled out back then.

KATAMARI DAMACY

Katamari Damacy is one of the strangest games to ever see release. Remember it? It’s that one where you roll a sticky ball around various 3D environments, collecting everything it rolls over, increasing in size as it does. The soundtrack was pretty great too, with J Pop, samba and… well… this absolute corker.

WIZBALL

Wizball almost has a prog quality to it… you can almost imagine a thunderous rock track following it.

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Listen up losers, there’s something you need to know. It won’t help you find a girl/boy/dogfriend, you pathetic sacks of rotting fat molecules. And it won’t get you more money to spend on any more useless gifts for your loved ones; those loved ones who only keep you around until the end of the year so they can get a present from you.

And it certainly won’t make you feel any younger. You’ll still creek like a damp-sodden sideboard half hanging out of a skip each morning and night.

But you can rejoice a little bit, before going back to your worthless lives, because Grand Theft Auto 3 is soon to be available for iOS 5. For those of you don’t know, that’s what us rich people call the operating system on their iPhones and iPads. GTA3 HD, which it will probably be called, is also available on Android. But the less said about that the better.

Although it might seem that everyone and their step-children are talking about Grand Theft Auto 5, and theorising over the most minute specks of information, gleaned from a rather short, nondescript trailer. Much like those insufferable Potterphiles. Or the unemployed obese who managed to stick with Lost beyond Season Two.

GTA3 is still, and will be, a valiant attempt at making sure kids know the best angle to hold a gun at when you’re doing a drive by. Between rioting, of course.

The gameplay is reportedly the same as the release ten whole years ago, that’s a decade in old money, but from sneaky videos made when Rockstar debuted the game at this year’s Comic-Con, you can see the graphics have been up-tweaked slightly. Think of it like the group performances on X Factor; everything has been modified slightly. For the better.

There’s no release date set but that’s what makes it interesting. Some people think that it is imminent, whereas some think that it’ll be out for the holidays, cynically. There also isn’t a definite pricing structure established, so could try harder Rockstar, C+.

One thing that we think might cause us to propel our iPads across the room, like a very expensive frisbee, is the potential fiddly-diddly controls. iOS developers have always struggled to find the best way of placing buttons so you don’t find yourself walking into the area covered by your thumbs as you chase prostitutes, or that guy who looked at you funny.

So although there’s not much concrete information for us to give you, we’ll probably keep you updated with new developments. And if we don’t, console yourself with the thought that we’ve probably just found something better to do. Like watch a particularly gripping episode of ‘Doctors’ or setting half an hour aside for a good poo.

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When the first Uncharted game came out way back in 2007, it took us a while to buy it. It’s not Drake’s fault, it’s his big-titted predecessor Lara Croft, and the infuriating Tomb Raider series.

It’s not her big polygonal boobs, or the clipped British accent, or the fact that she’s so ridiculously minted she can afford to piss about, travelling the world and shooting a host of endangered species – it’s that the games she starred in were steaming piles of bear turd, with a terrible shooting dynamic.

Then, one day, with little interest for a new “treasure hunting” game, it dawned on everyone that Uncharted was a game where you could pretend to be Indiana Jones. What’s not to like about that?

Drake is one of those rare characters in gaming where you actually give two hoots about what’s happening to him, and the third instalment from Naughty Dog plays on that in a big way.

The first half hour of the game barely has any action in it (well, at least none of the shooting kind). Instead, you’re thrown into a dodgy deal with London gangsters, a punch up in what can only be a BNP pub, judging by the haircuts, bovver boots and union jacks adorned all over the place, and then you’re thrown into a flashback, where a fresh faced teenage Drake is trying to break into a Colombian museum (because when you’re in Colombia, and coked up to the eyeballs, you need a bit of culture).

This isn’t a game you can just pick up without playing the first two – you’ll literally have lost the plot in less than an hour, and none of the large scale events that have so much meaning to those of us who’ve been with the series from the beginning will be completely lost on you. There are a lot of loose ends that get tied up in the story, and while this shouldn’t be the place for spoilers, Elena (the love interest in the series) plays a big part in this. So, if you’re new to the series, stop reading this now, get the first two dirt cheap online, and come back here when you’re ready.

It’s clear from the start that, while the graphics haven’t been given a massive overhaul, they’re still the prettiest thing you’ll ever see on the PS3. Gone are the soulless dead eyes from Uncharted 2 that could induce really rather terrible nightmares. At times, it’s easy to forget your playing a game. During the game, you may well find yourself stopping to admire the view, gazing out over the desert at midnight, the starlit sky, and lights from the nearest village stretching out to forever [Jesus Christ. What kind of hippie rubbish is this? - Ed].

The acting can’t be faulted either – Naughty Dog have perfected the art of blending motion capture and animation, keeping their stable of voice actors working well beyond the norm for the industry. When you see Drake raise a cheeky eyebrow and flash that crooked smile – you’re watching Nolan North’s performance in the studio. Despite all the hype, L.A. Noire didn’t even come close to nailing graphics like these.

Now, perhaps the most important aspect you want to hear about is the gameplay. To put it bluntly, this game is a bastard! Played on hard setting, this game can still be completed it in two days (or, more accurately, just over 9 hours in total) but, Jesus, you’ll have to work for it.

During that time, we found ourselves dying close to 200 times during playthrough and came very close to launching the control pad through the television on at least 150 of those deaths.

The enemy AI is off the charts. They have eyes in the back of their heads. You think you’re being clever, sneaking up on Messr. Heavily Armed Pirate, but as soon as you’ve hoisted him over the crate, and quietly snapped his neck, his mates are all over you, grenades and bullets flying everywhere while you cower behind an awkwardly placed chaise lounge, crying to yourself as the man with the gigantic shotgun creeps ever nearer with a plateful of ass to hand to you. You can try and sneak around like Solid Snake, but you will get spotted, and when it happens you better make sure you take out the snipers first.

The main concern about Uncharted 3 was that it would repeat the cardinal sin of the second instalment, Honour Among Thieves: throughout Uncharted 2, you perfected shooting and climbing, precision aiming, and generally cowering behind the scenery waiting for the perfect shot. Then the final boss came along, and had you running around in circles and blind firing behind you while the bad guy threw grenades at you.

It was a disappointing end to an amazing game and it made me want to drown kittens. The final boss in Uncharted 3 more than makes up for it. You utilise every skill you’ve had to develop over the course of the series, and by god is it satisfying when it all goes your way! People might complain that the lack of a badass “classic” final boss is a tad unsatisfying, but if you look at the whole level as the final boss, then you can truly appreciate it.

If you’ve played the first two, and haven’t got your hands on the third one yet, then you need to rectify the situation immediately. It might only take two days to complete, but the action packed story, and the multiplayer, will keep you satisfied for months.

This was a guest post by Ed Williams who you can find out more about here.  Just make sure you breathe through your mouth when you’re around him.

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The video game equivalent of Child’s Play is back with yet another sequel, taking the number in the GTA franchise to such an amount that it now rivals the amount of times Kerry Katona has relapsed on ket ‘n’ chips.

It’s gone to the ’80s, ’60s London and even the present day (which is a rarity in video games), so the public were looking forward to something fantastic with what is going to be one of 2012′s biggest gaming releases (unless there is a Stacey Solomon Teaches Elocution obviously).

Luckily for Rockstar North there probably won’t be any rioting because GTA 5 as it is being known, is set to blow the hubcaps off the franchise, stop by a Dixie Chicken before continuing to pummel prostitutes into oblivion. And sell in its thousands. And yes, the trailer is over the jump for you to watch.

We’re returning to Los Santos, which is the Rockstar version of Los Angeles, so we’re hopeful of seeing Lindsay Lohan smacked off her tits in a morgue while Kim Kardashian stars in the next series of ‘The Batchelorette’.

Oh, and there’s helicopters, jets, fast cars and even a jet ski.

Not much is shown about the story, apart from the protagonist being a family man, who moved to Los Santos to see his kid grow up. Seems a little like the character bio for a new Mitchell in Eastenders, but we’ll forgive that for now because there’s jet skis in the trailer.

Some nicer graphics would’ve been nice, but y’know, you can’t demand the world from a stupid video game can you? Nice to see the Small Faces appearing as soundtrack in the trailer too.

Still, looks like fun though.

Jet skis.

Or click here to watch it in case the HTML code is being a loser on our site.

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The Grand Theft Auto franchise is one of the most wildly successful things to ever crash land onto our pop-culture radar. Basically, the release of GTA3 was the moment that Hollywood realised it was about to have its thunder stolen by video games.

Flicking through radio stations while murdering completely innocent civilians for no reason at all and razzing cars ’til they blew up was the most fun you could have with your clothes on, provided you’re the kind of loser who actually wears clothes while gaming.

And the series continued to grow apace, with Vice City giving everyone a love for dodgy ’80s records again, as well as allowing us all to spot potential psychopaths in our circle of friends as they told you in great detail about the ways in which they murdered prostitutes for giggles. And now, Grand Theft Auto V (or GTA5 if you prefer) is imminent and there’s a trailer being dangled before us.

Rockstar have a holding page for GTA5 (which you can view here if you’re thoroughly bored) which promises a trailer of the game for 11/2/11.

That’s exciting isn’t it?

Of course, it’ll be the usual mindless violence-fest, complete with wanted levels, cartoonish stereotyping and licensed radio stations.

However, when games get this big, programmers and producers like to tinker with the format (look at the way EA mucked around with the tackling system on FIFA12).

So what would we like to see?

Less realism

Okay. Grand Theft Auto IV was a great game and all, but really, compared to older games, it was a much slower pace. There was more life admin that got in the way of the really fun stuff. And of course, the really fun stuff is shooting and driving cars incredibly quickly. Taking girls for dates in bars and learning how to play darts is all well and good, but really, that time often ends up with a mindless rampage thanks to being frustrated at the slow progression through the game.

Less giving lifts to people

Seriously. It’s fair enough that your first challenge should be giving some berk a ride, just so you can get used to the driving controls… but seriously… no more giving lifts to people. There’s no fun in having a car in GTA if you have to carefully plod your way to a checkpoint. The whole point of driving in GTA is to completely obliterate your car, okay?

Less talking

We get it. You want to recreate the cinematic experience and get taken seriously by adults. DON’T. The reason that video games are better than movies is that they’re interactive. If there’s going to be some kind of Heavy Rain interactivity or decision making in the chat, fine. Anything else is just denying us the chance to indulge ourselves in mindless fun.

Less World

Sandbox games are undeniably impressive. These giganto world never fail to wow… however, sometimes, they’re so big that it’s boring. Look at the hugely overrated Red Dead Redemption. Instead of getting your kicks and blowing people’s heads off, most of the time spent was commuting. Commuting is boring. There was also a lot of pointless admin in that game, picking flowers for old men and filling out stupid forms in police stations. Sod that. Gaming isn’t supposed to be ‘zen’. It’s supposed to be visceral and engrossing. There’s a lot to be said for the dumb-glee of a linear game. Of course, if you turned GTA into a sideways scroller, it wouldn’t be half as much fun, but there’s a lot to be said for the instant gratification of a game that takes you from Point A to Point B.

Play As Yourself

Really, it’s about time that you were able to put yourself into these games. FIFA and WWE games allow you to create yourself, so imagine how funny it would be to watch you, pathetic ol’ you, running around with an Uzi, shooting old women in the knees while Triads try and stab you a new anus!

What do you twerps think?

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The FIFA franchise, no matter what your hooting sap chums say, is the greatest series of football (or soccer if you prefer) games, EVER.

Pro Evo barely registers on the scale in comparison (that said, it’s as pointless comparing the two as it is comparing Super Mario Bros. to eight slices of toast) as FIFA has always looked the part and been most consuming.

Shame it has had a uniformly terrible soundtrack, but you can’t have everything. Of course, the game is released today in North America and us European (in your pants) get it from the 29th Sep. So what can we look out for?

Sadly, the new game features the terrible Kasabian on the  soundtrack and the programming swine still haven’t acknowledged Bolton Wanderers as the greatest team who ever graced a football pitch, accurately filling the squad with so-so players.

It just isn’t fair.

However, there seem to be loads of improvements and tinkerings that have gone on in a bid to make the game worth buying after the impressive FIFA11.

And yes, there’s more to it than just wanting to see the new kits and own the updated squads.

So let us peer at these videos and see what we’ll be spending our pennies on.

First off, is the trailer for the FIFA12 which is a decent enough overview of what the new version will entail.

One thing about FIFA11 was that career modes could get a little samey and one thing that was missed was the ability to grow and nurture young players.

As such, there’s a new take on the youth academy system. If it works, this game could easily steal you life forever.

As ever, there’s new skills to enjoy in FIFA12. As hecklerspray has hands like feet, we’ll be able to execute precisely zero of these moves.

There’s also a new impact engine which looks decent enough. However, with all that information being processed, there could be a few bugs that amuse/irritate.

Importantly, there’s no Andy Gray this time around after he was all sexist. And so, he’s been replaced by Alan Smith. That’s right, the former Arsenal striker who never got booked and never pronounced an ‘R’ correctly.

There’s been a few bugs in the system that need to be ironed out… lets hope they have by the time of release. Sadly, nothing can be done about the berks you play online who quit before the end of the game just because you’re beating them.

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