Film

As movie law states, a successful shaky-camera film should always be followed by a non-shaky film that everybody hates.

It happened with The Blair With Project, and now it’s probably going to be happening with Cloverfield too, so long as the director can get his act together. Almost a year after it was greenlit, Cloverfield director Matt Reeves still hasn’t made is mind up about what to do with Cloverfield 2.

Don’t get him wrong, he has ideas about Cloverfield 2, he just doesn’t know where to set it. Or who’ll star in it. Or when it’ll take place. Or what’ll happen in it. Or if he’ll direct it or not. But, seriously, once Matt Reeves has those details down, Cloverfield 2 is going to be excellent. Or rubbish. Or somewhere between those two.

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It may have zero dialogue, an impenetrable plot and a man who is James Bond in name alone, but people love Quantum Of Solace.

Quantum Of Solace isn’t just the number one movie at the weekend box office this week. In fact, Quantum Of Solace is the biggest James Bond movie ever to open at the US weekend box office, taking $70 million in the process. And that proves one thing about Quantum Of Solace above anything else - people really, really like the Bourne movies.

But, hey, Quantum Of Solace features a James Bond who’s dispensed with the wit, style and panache that we’re used to seeing to become a scowling robot whose job mainly seems to involve driving speedboats through explosions and punching Frenchmen. And that’s popular in America. Who knew?

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Avatar, the new James Cameron sci-fi movie, is currently being spoken about as if it’s already a masterpiece.

This isn’t down to Avatar’s game-changing adoption of brand new 3D technology, though, or the fact it’s been a decade in the making because most cinemas just haven’t been equipped to screen it until now. No, Avatar is supposed to be a masterpiece because it’s a Michelle Rodriguez film that doesn’t make people want to deliberately hurt themselves.

And now we can see the very first fruits of James Cameron’s Avatar - the Avatar teaser trailer has just been premiered on the internet.

So what does this teaster trailer teach us about Avatar? Well, it’s early days but we think we’re correct in assuming that James Cameron + bleeding edge computer animated motion capture technology + a rumoured production budget of close to $300 million = a MTV2 alternative rock video from 1993. With something that sounds worryingly like a Robson and Jerome soundtrack. This film is going to rule.

UPDATE - OK, there goes our credibility. Turns out this is a fake trailer after all. But the real one had better feature hundreds of library clips of clocks and plants, too, or else we’re going to get punchy.

As her stints on How I Met Your Mother proved, Britney Spears’ love of acting is almost as huge as everyone else’s ambivalence to it.

And now that she’s a successful singer once again, it’s only natural that Britney Spears will start looking for more ways to showcase her unique acting abilities, too. But that movie won’t be Sweet Baby Jesus, the film where Britney Spears was rumoured to be playing the Virgin Mary.

But now it’s been revealed that Britney Spears will no longer be the Virgin Mary. And we won’t lie to you - we’re relieved. Because if Britney Spears is the Virgin Mary, then it’d sort of mean that Kevin Federline was God. And that would mean that heaven is a shabby trailer with the video to Popozao playing on an unstoppable loop on a giant plasma screen that you can’t ever look away from. And all the angels have cornrows and smell a bit.

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The Dark Knight is a sensation - the second-biggest movie of all time and easily the best film about a gimp punching a clown ever.

So, come Oscar night, you’d expect that The Dark Knight would wipe the floor with the competition - especially since the competition seems to be a million underperforming films about gloomy people from 35 years ago - but you’re wrong.

It’s just been announced that The Dark Knight can’t win the Oscar for Best Score because it was composed by too many people. That’ll be disappointing for the crew of The Dark Knight, but they’ll get over it - not least because the 2009 Oscars will introduce categories for Best Irredeemably Bleak Summer Movie and Silliest And Most Indecipherable Voice Employed By A Lead Actor, which The Dark Knight is already a dead cert for.

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Team Aniston, it’s time to get the bunting out; your girl has won - Angelina Jolie has decided to retire from acting.

True, Angelina Jolie may have only hinted at an eventual retirement some time in the future, and only because fame no longer provides the same spiritual nourishment as raising a family or being committed to charitable work. Nevertheless, the message is clear - Angelina Jolie is quitting acting because Jennifer Aniston called her uncool this week.

Great, that’s just what we need - a power-crazed Jennifer Aniston. Now that she knows what can happen when she deploys the word ‘uncool’, we doubt very much that she’ll stop at Angelina Jolie. All we’ll say is this - don’t be surprised if Vince Vaughn suddenly decides to retire from acting as well or if, you know, Brad Pitt develops a horrible wasting disease on his penis. Or something.

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You knew what you got when Roger Moore was James Bond - safari jackets, volcano HQs and women called Felicity Nobgobbler.

Not any more, though. Daniel Craig is James Bond now, so that means that when you watch a James Bond film you’re essentially getting whatever happened in the last Bourne movie, but without any of the interesting bits about amnesia.

And this has upset Roger Moore. Moore says he’s saddened by all the flashy violence in the new Daniel Craig James Bond movies, and he wishes that 007 films could be more like the ones he made. The thing is, he’s got a point - we know we’d have enjoyed Quantum Of Solace quite a lot more if all the parkour scenes starred a wheezy old man in a corset who looks like he smells of urine-soaked leather instead of Daniel Craig.

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This is getting confusing - first Beyonce told us that she was Sasha Fierce, and now she might be Wonder Woman as well.

Beyonce, that is. Not Sasha Fierce. Unless Sasha Fierce wants to be Wonder Woman instead of Beyonce. But at the moment we just think that it’s Beyonce who wants to be Wonder Woman, and Sasha Fierce hasn’t got anything to do with it. Except that Sasha Fierce is Beyonce, so technically they both want to be Wonder Woman. Clear?

Good. Beyonce wants to be Wonder Woman in a new movie. Which sort of makes sense. She’s got the thighs for it, we suppose.

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Part of what has made Marvel’s forays into feature films so exciting is the quality of director it has managed to secure for each movie.

Whether it’s an indie darling like Jon Favreau directing Iron Man, a theatrical powerhouse like Kenneth Branagh helming Thor or a thrilling young up-and-comer like Louis Leterrier taking on The Incredible Hulk, Marvel has always managed to impress. So, with that in mind, who has Marvel signed on to direct Captain America, one of the most iconic characters in its stable?

Joe Johnston. Come on, you know, Joe Johnston. The man who directed Jurassic Park III. And, um, The Rocketeer. Oh, you know him. He wrote one episode of the Star Wars Droids cartoon spin-off in 1895. Joe Johnston, you know. Old Joey Jo-Jo Johnston. This Captain America film is going to freaking rule.

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Every single person on the entire planet knows that Phillip Seymour Hoffman is going to play The Penguin in Batman 3.

True, there isn’t a script for Batman 3 yet, Christopher Nolan hasn’t even admitted that he wants to make a Batman 3 three yet and for all we know the movie’s going to be about Crazy Quilt or Mr Polka Dot instead of The Penguin. But, that said, Phillip Seymour Hoffman is definitely going to play The Penguin in Batman 3.

Except Phillip Seymour Hoffman doesn’t really think that’s going to happen. In a recent interview Hoffman claimed that he doesn’t think he’d be a good Penguin and that someone else should probably do it instead. Which, we think, is a coded message to say that he thinks he’d be a brilliant Penguin in Batman 3 and that he definitely wants to do it. Tell your friends. It’s official!

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