Film

Voluptuous skeleton Angelina Jolie and boyfriend Bradley Pitt considered making an emergency landing as they flew to Los Angeles from the set of his latest film.

That kind of makes it sound like they were flying the plane themselves; they weren’t, but feel free to imagine they were.

Hecklerspray imagines that they were flying the plane because the pilot got so shocked, being in the company of their overwhelming sexiness, that he had a heart-attack and, as they were the only two on board, Brad the slightly more male, Brad is forced to take the wheel, looking sexy as he does so, whilst Angelina tries to regain her composure, looking sexy as she does so.

Then, as they realise they literally have no idea how to fly a plane, hurtling toward a mountain peak, they rip each others clothes off and synchronise their climaxes with the horrific explosion.

But no; it were just a swollen ankle injury that got ’swollener’ in the sky.

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It is the sort of news that would have lesser entertainment sites typing, over and over again, in an indecent boldness of font, the letters: OMG.

That most blasphemous initialising of ‘Oh My God’, which the youths of today treat so brazenly, as if the name of our Lord were merely a soiled menstrual nappy to be tossed away willy-nilly, it’s sacrilegious smudge left to spread amongst the scum-ridden culture-wasteland of working class society.

The word God must never be abbreviated. It is an act of devolution so disgusting that it shant be matched until the day The Kooks are considered anything other than the most grotesque of namby-pambies.

But, if hecklerspray were as pathetic as those sites, then right now we would be licking our own ejaculate into a mural of OMGs, high on to the ceiling above us, because Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are going to be acting together in the same movie.

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Why do we love robots so much?

Well, we all love machines, right? Especially the ones which make our lives easier. Let’s face it, most of us can’t be separated from our iPods, laptops and iPhones these days. But how about when they turn against us? The time when our TV and cinema screens were full of clunky dustbins and oversized toasters just happy to help has long gone.

Now robots look more like supermodels and want to wipe us out. In fact, some of them are more hard-on than hard disc. Well, that’s progress for you. But we still love them, right? Despite the fact they want to kill us.

Anyway, hecklerspray has decided to come up with the 20 models from TV and cinema that are a cut above. Enjoy!

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Welcome to Movies From Beyond and this week we are very excited. Not only has Mario Kart finally come out on the Nintendo Wii but one of the best recent vampire movies, 30 Days Of Night has just been released on Blu-Ray.

It is not often that we talk about new releases but this is well worth a mention, starring Josh Hartnett (Sin City) and produced by Mr. Evil Dead Sam Raimi, this is a really good adaptation of a graphic novel set in Alaska where they actually have a month of darkness - and who loves darkness more than vampires? No-one, that’s who, and these ones aren’t fruity crushed-velvet cloak-wearing ones. Remember what 28 Days Later did for zombies? Well this does it for vamps, making them super fast and strong as you like.

There are some pretty gut-wrenching scenes of violence and blood-play as well as a high level of blood and guts which always gets our vote.

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It’s official - Guillermo del Toro, the Bo Selecta Peter Jackson, is the director of the two upcoming Hobbit movies.

It’s been a long time coming, but finally New Line Cinema and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios have announced that they’re packing Guillermo del Toro off to New Zealand for the next four years so he can concentrate on making The Hobbit and its sequel, The Hobbit 2: The Hobbit In Space.

It doesn’t take a genius to see why Guillermo del Toro was chosen to direct the Hobbit movies - his flair for visual invention as demonstrated in Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy will really bring a sense of panache to his task of filming a bunch of midgets walking across the side of a mountain for six and a half titting hours.

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Tom Cruise and Will Smith are so tight that when Will Smith wanted someone to play a younger version of himself in a movie, Tom Cruise knew just the person.

And that person is Connor Cruise, Tom Cruise’s very own son. According to reports, Connor Cruise is all set to play baby Will Smith in the upcoming drama Seven Pounds which, since it stars Will Smith, is probably about an overfamiliar man with a slightly too loud laugh saving the world with his top off somehow.

Hopefully this is just Connor Cruise’s first step in taking on the family business. If his role in Seven Pounds is a success then who know, in a few years Connor Cruise might become the biggest, most powerful movie star in the world, only to fart it away by loudly vocalising his devotion to a nutty religion that some people claim preys on the weak. It’s what his daddy would want.

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This edition of the weekend box office was supposed to be all about Forgetting Sarah Marshall, the Judd Apatow comedy that stars Russell Brand and some bloke’s todger.

But, oddly enough, Forgetting Sarah Marshall isn’t number one at the US weekend box office this week. That plaudit goes to The Forbidden Kingdom, a movie starring Jackie Chan, Jet Li and the second-weediest kid from the last series of 24.

What does The Forbidden Kingdom’s weekend box office triumph over Forgetting Sarah Marshall tell us about the state of modern cinema? Is it that audiences still aren’t accustomed to seeing penises in their movies? Is it that the thrill of seeing cinema’s greatest living kung-fu artists in the same movie overpowers everything else? No. It’s that people would rather watch two old men kicking each other than Russell Brand in anything.

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Don’t worry if you can’t stand the fact that the new James Bond movie is called A Quantum Of Solace - turns out that God’s not such a fan of it either.

That’s because, just a few weeks after a crazy South American mayor drove his car through a set during filming in a vicious rage, a James Bond stuntman has accidentally plunged a £120,000 Aston Martin off a road into a massive Italian lake and knackered the bastard to pieces.

What’s more, it’s been reported that the Aston Martin was the only one available to the crew for the film. That leaves A Quantum Of Solace in a bit of a quandary - it could shell out for a new one at huge expense to the movie, or it could patch together a workaround. Which isn’t too bad, because frankly we’ve waited too long to see 007 bring down SPECTRE with a Segway, some rollerblades, an Oyster card and a hotwired forklift truck.

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Slightly obese humourist Ricky Gervais has landed a role in the new GTA game, due for release on April 29.

The man responsible for some of the decade’s greatest television has teamed up with the creators of the decade’s greatest computer game, in what has been described by one man as ‘a slightly interesting event - I’ll probably have a look’.

Ricky will appear as himself, performing three minutes of new material, as well as some jokes from his recent Fame tour, in the Liberty City Comedy Club.

Make no mistake about it, that’s a tough crowd - one poorly-timed dance routine and Ricky could soon find himself on the receiving end of the old ‘rocket up the arse’ heckle.

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Star Wars fans have had to deal with their fair share of disappointments. Return of the Jedi ending in a teddy bear’s picnic is one. Another was watching The Phantom Menace.

But maybe as Star Wars fans we see the series through rose-tinted spectacles. Maybe - and it hurts us to say this – it was never that good in the first place. Maybe as impressionable young kids we were just taken for the ride of our life through a galaxy far, far away and totally missed the dodgy script, hammy acting and bloody Ewoks.

All right, maybe not. That’s just crazy talk. But it has made me start thinking about things that could have been better throughout the series – not just the three prequels. What if the Jawas rather than the Ewoks helped the Rebels defeat the Empire on Endor? Would that have been better? Maybe. Would it have been even better if Yoda had done some actual fighting in The Empire Strikes Back? No, probably not.

Oh, and would the world have been a better place if Jar Jar Binks had died horribly at the start of Phantom Menace? Definitely. So what about the characters? Were there any characters that just didn’t quite live up to expectations? Quite possibly. Here’s six…

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Nineties heartthrob Sandra Bullock has narrowly escaped death after her car was hit by a drug-crazed female driver.

The drug in question is the one which is responsible for more deaths each year than cocaine, heroin and crack combined.

It is the one which is smelt on the breath of 40% of reported violent criminals, 78% of assaulters and 88% of criminal damagers.

Worst of all, it is the drug most responsible for the current record-breaking human-population on earth.

It’s alcohol - obviously.

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Scarlett Johansson (the actress - and now singer - famous for having Scarlett Johansson’s boobs on her chest; you know the one?) has blasted two of hecklerspray’s most cherished celebrities!

The outrageous harlot has dared to declare that the musical talent of our Paris Hilton and our Lindsay Lohan is not quite her cup of tea.

How dare she? Just who does she think she is? Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a put a lot of good, honest, hard-work into getting where they are today, yet where is the respect? Do you think those cocks suck themselves?

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