Film

It’s no exaggeration to say that Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince will be regarded as the pinnacle of mankind’s achievement forever.

We’re so excited about Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince that we’re literally ticking off every second until its release on a giant blackboard, plus we’ve started to physically assault anyone we see who a) isn’t talking about Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince or b) doesn’t look like they’re thinking about it. Even if they’re old. That’s how much we care.

So imagine how delighted we were when we got sent images of Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy and that old wizard bloke (Gandalf?) taken from a brand new range of Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince stationary. How delighted were we? Boner delighted! And you will be too, provided you’re sexually aroused by the sight of a) stationary and b) schoolboys. But who isn’t these days, huh?

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You want success? Try playing exactly the same yammering, flab-faced huckster character in every film you star in.

It seems to work for Vince Vaughn, because he’s just been named as Forbes‘ most valuable actor. For every dollar that Vince Vaughn was paid for Dodgeball, The Break-Up and Wedding Crashers, he pulled in $14.71 of gross income for his studios.

That’s impressive stuff, and Vince Vaughn should be incredibly proud of his achievements. Speaking of which, Vince Vaughn should also be incredibly proud next year when Forbes calculates his salary against Fred Claus and that awful-looking Christmas movie he’s making with Reese Witherspoon and names him as its most overpaid one-note, off-script, pointlessly rambling unfunny egobeast.

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It’s been eight years since Scream 3 was released, and those have been eight of the happiest years of our life.

Seriously, 96 consecutive months without being infuriated by David Arquette, worrying about the threat of a sudden Matthew Lillard cameo or bothering to remember that Liev Schreiber even exists. Yes, a world without Scream is a happy world indeed.

But don’t get too cosy, because there’s a Scream 4 on the way. There definitely is. Definitely. We know this because Jamie Kennedy, star of Dinotopia: Quest for the Ruby Sunstone, seems to be under the vague impression that there might be. Still, that’s enough to give us the right old bloody hump for the day. For a change.

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So you’re Christian Bale; you’re the star of The Dark Knight - one of the biggest movies ever - how do you celebrate the news?

Simple, you go a bit mental, attack your mother and sister and get arrested on suspicion of assault for it. True, it might not be the obvious way around the problem, but it’s what Christian Bale allegedly has done.

So with Heath Ledger dead and Christian Bale arrested for assault, it seems like The Dark Knight might be carrying a dark curse. We’ll know for sure as soon as Michael Caine climbs up a church tower and starts firing a machine gun at passers-by and crying, but for now it’s just a pretty strong hunch.

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What is it about one of the world’s darkest and most evil professions that makes it seem so sexy and appealing on the big screen?

Whether it be slow motion shoot-outs, ass kicking kung-fu or just Angelina Jolie strutting around in next to nothing, the silver screen has always been kind to the morally questionable profession of contract killing.

So here it is, a list of the 10 best movie assassins to ever grace our screens…

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Here’s some hardly very surprising news - The Dark Knight is the number one movie at the weekend box office this week.

More than that, though, The Dark Knight is the biggest-ever movie at the number one box office - to the tune of $155 million. That’s even more than Spider-Man 3 managed. The Dark Knight better than a film about Kirsten Dunst doing a dance about some eggs? Wow, that is good.

What’s more impressive is that The Dark Knight managed to be the best ever movie at the US weekend box office even though it’s an overlong pitch-black morality tale made notorious by the death of one of its stars. That means that The Dark Knight is also the most depressing box office megahit since at least Big Momma’s House 2 came out.

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The Dark Knight has redefined the superhero movie - adding realism, emotional depth and an unashamed intellect to the genre.

From now on, audiences will judge all other superhero movies by The Dark Knight’s yardstick, with badly-conceived, opportunistic stupidfests created solely as cynical money-making exercises being exposed for what they are.

In other utterly unrelated news, someone’s decided to make a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. A real, live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Whoops.

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You know what the problem is with Megan Fox? You can’t hear her thighs scraping together when she walks anywhere.

This is because Megan Fox clearly isn’t fat enough. Boys only like girls if they’ve got wads of back fat you could lose your fist in and a chin that’s barely visible under the rolls of sweaty neck-lard. There’s nothing more arousing than a girl having a chronic wheezing fit because she’s had to run 10 metres for a bus, right boys?

That’s what Michael Bay thinks, anyway. Now that Transformers 2 is under way, Bay has decided that Megan Fox is far too skinny and that she needs to be 10 pounds heavier. Nobody really knows why, but he’s probably just worried that Megan Fox is so skinny that she’ll buckle and snap under the weight of all Transformer 2’s obvious crappiness.

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When we heard that four bloodsucking zombie-like creatures were going to be involved in a film revolved around seducing men, you could say we were vaguely interested.

At first, we assumed it would be a modern day version of the classic Greek myth about Medusa and her ability to turn anyone into stone. Making it all postmodern and setting in New York meant a whole host of terror could be inflicted on a city that King Kong and the Cloverfield monster had both already ravaged.

But we got the wrong end of the stick and were in for a shock when we discovered what the film was about. The wicked witches of New York - otherwise known as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex And The City - had somehow slithered on to the big screen to torture cinemagoers everywhere. And, after just getting over this initial shitfest, our blood pressure has soared again - we’ve learnt that a sequel has just been commissioned.

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The sun rises, spilling its rays over the land, so beautiful you can hardly believe this happens every day and you never noticed.

Thus begins The Fox and the Child, Luc Jacquet’s follow up to his Oscar-winning documentary, The March of the Penguins.

A nameless ten-year-old girl (Bertille Noel-Bruneau) is cycling through dense forest near her home, when she discovers a fox foraging for food. Mesmerised by her first experience of a fox at close range, she quietly tries to approach her. But like all wild animals, the fox is sensitive to the child’s presence and flees, leaving the little girl determined to find her fox again. We follow the resourceful child as she turns all manner of tricks to track down her fox, then watch in awe as they tame each other.

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The Dark Knight has whipped up such a hype frenzy that we wouldn’t be surprised if it cured the blind and healed the terminally ill.

In fact, people are going so potty over The Dark Knight that they’ve started to pretend that they’ve already seen it just so they can move onto speculation over Batman 3. So we may as well do the same. It’s not like we’ve got anything better to do.

Batman screenwriters David Goyer and Jonah Nolan have responded to claims that the baddies in Batman 3 will be Catwoman and The Penguin by saying that the baddies in Batman 3 definitely won’t be Catwoman and The Penguin. They’ve got a whole raft of other villains to chose from, so why pick the two most obvious? Especially when nobody’s put Lola Lasagne in a Batman movie yet.

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Wall-E director and Pixar stalwart Adam Stanton attributes his film’s meteoric success to behaving like a free-range chicken.

No jokes, at a recent press conference, which we were surprisingly invited to, he actually said: “When we were making this movie there was no one checking up on me, so I was basically a free range chicken left to do what I wanted.”

You heard it here first.

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