Film News

Slightly obese humourist Ricky Gervais has landed a role in the new GTA game, due for release on April 29.

The man responsible for some of the decade’s greatest television has teamed up with the creators of the decade’s greatest computer game, in what has been described by one man as ‘a slightly interesting event - I’ll probably have a look’.

Ricky will appear as himself, performing three minutes of new material, as well as some jokes from his recent Fame tour, in the Liberty City Comedy Club.

Make no mistake about it, that’s a tough crowd - one poorly-timed dance routine and Ricky could soon find himself on the receiving end of the old ‘rocket up the arse’ heckle.

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Nineties heartthrob Sandra Bullock has narrowly escaped death after her car was hit by a drug-crazed female driver.

The drug in question is the one which is responsible for more deaths each year than cocaine, heroin and crack combined.

It is the one which is smelt on the breath of 40% of reported violent criminals, 78% of assaulters and 88% of criminal damagers.

Worst of all, it is the drug most responsible for the current record-breaking human-population on earth.

It’s alcohol - obviously.

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Scarlett Johansson (the actress - and now singer - famous for having Scarlett Johansson’s boobs on her chest; you know the one?) has blasted two of hecklerspray’s most cherished celebrities!

The outrageous harlot has dared to declare that the musical talent of our Paris Hilton and our Lindsay Lohan is not quite her cup of tea.

How dare she? Just who does she think she is? Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a put a lot of good, honest, hard-work into getting where they are today, yet where is the respect? Do you think those cocks suck themselves?

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It has been a truly rubbish week for Cameron Diaz.

First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young - a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler.

Oh, no, wait - screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity.

Fucking men!

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Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and - thank almighty Christ - this time we aren’t talking about the tether which battles in vain each day to keep her knickers together.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

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Lindsay Lohan’s mum, Dina Lohan, has dismissed reports that her daughter will be getting her fanny out for upcoming independent film Florence.

The news has no doubt brought a tear to the eye of a million lonely lads who, if Dina is to be believed, will have to make do with what Lindsay has put out for their consumption already – as if that wasn’t enough.

But who cares about those wankers? Spare a thought for the producers of the film: you jerk-offs have only lost out on another chance to be titillated - the producers have lost the entire plot to their film!

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Heterosexual males and homosexual females - and anyone else who has a pulse – unite and take note: Scarlett Johansson’s relationship to actor boyfriend Ryan Reynolds may be on the rocks.

According to a ‘Stateside spy’ working under cover for the Daily Mail, their relationship has ‘hit a rough patch’. It seems Scarlett has been scared off by Ryan’s mentioning of babies and weddings. The spy said:

"Scarlett is younger and has no desire for a husband or family just yet."

What’s this? An A-list female celebrity who prioritises her career above procreation?

How refreshing.

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Legendary actor Charlton Heston has died, aged 84.

The Oscar-winning actor had been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. A family spokesman said he passed away on Saturday night at his home in Beverley Hills, California.

During his career, the actor, famed for his muscular build and booming baritone voice, won an Oscar for his role In Ben Hur, let rip at a bunch of monkeys for destroying the Statue of Liberty ‘You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!’.

He raised a rod over his head as Moses in The Ten Commandments and parted the Red Sea, and was seen controversially mimicking the Moses-pose in Michael Moore’s Bowling For Colombine, this time as President of the NRA, challenging any detractors of his to pry the rifle “from my cold, dead hands”.

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Lindsay Lohan is set to strip off in her upcoming film.

That’s right, according to MTV UK, Lindsay Lohan is going to take all of her clothes off. She is going to get completely naked – can you imagine that??

Of course you can. Everybody can. At just the mention of her name your mind’s eye was no doubt engulfed with images of her inflated bosoms hovering around you.

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Thanks to her endless drunken, cocaine-trousered run-ins with the law and subsequent rehab stints, it's been easy for people to forget about Lindsay Lohan's talents as an actress.

However, that's all changed now that people are noticing how terrible an actress Lindsay Lohan can be. This year's Razzie nominations have just been announced, and Lindsay Lohan has swept the board, managing to be nominated for Worst Couple, and Worst Actress twice - all for the same movie.

Oh, and Norbit is bad too, but you knew that.

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We once got bit by a cactus in a room where we were watching our aunt get chemo.

We felt different afterwards - very different. Our skin took on a heroic red hue, and little patches of extra muscle formed all over our body in the exact shape of radiation blisters. We'd entered that room too weak to even wear that simple lead vest, and left the room without touching the ground.

It's because we were vomiting on a stretcher. Apparently people visiting hospitals are 'obligated' to read the door-signs. What are we, students? Needless to say no real powers were transferred to us from that radiated cactus. And like us, the Justice League of America is looking sickly, bald and blistery at the moment.

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When Lex Luther was gonna explode all of California into the ocean to increase his slightly-east of California property value, we handled it just fine. When Magneto refuted Jean Grey's love just before she disintegrated into the netherverse, and the last thing she felt on this mortal plain was such a tremendous sadness, well, we handled that fine too.

That is how the third X-Men ended, right? We're not entirely sure because after the first gruelling 20 minutes we were too busy phone-googling ways to kill ourselves with popcorn to pay attention. Sure, walking out would have been easier, but we paid full price, dang-it!

The upcoming Fantastic Four movie, the one that apparently stars the Terminator II villain on a boogie board, well it could very well be heading down a similar path. To make matters worse, this movie's not content with simply inspiring millions to end it all. Rather, it wants to drag down the entire US monetary system with it - and that's why the Silver Surfer now appears on the flip side of lots and lots of real quarters - without the U.S. Mint's permission.

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