Film News

Legendary actor Charlton Heston has died, aged 84.

The Oscar-winning actor had been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. A family spokesman said he passed away on Saturday night at his home in Beverley Hills, California.

During his career, the actor, famed for his muscular build and booming baritone voice, won an Oscar for his role In Ben Hur, let rip at a bunch of monkeys for destroying the Statue of Liberty ‘You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!’.

He raised a rod over his head as Moses in The Ten Commandments and parted the Red Sea, and was seen controversially mimicking the Moses-pose in Michael Moore’s Bowling For Colombine, this time as President of the NRA, challenging any detractors of his to pry the rifle “from my cold, dead hands”.

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Lindsay Lohan is set to strip off in her upcoming film.

That’s right, according to MTV UK, Lindsay Lohan is going to take all of her clothes off. She is going to get completely naked – can you imagine that??

Of course you can. Everybody can. At just the mention of her name your mind’s eye was no doubt engulfed with images of her inflated bosoms hovering around you.

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Thanks to her endless drunken, cocaine-trousered run-ins with the law and subsequent rehab stints, it's been easy for people to forget about Lindsay Lohan's talents as an actress.

However, that's all changed now that people are noticing how terrible an actress Lindsay Lohan can be. This year's Razzie nominations have just been announced, and Lindsay Lohan has swept the board, managing to be nominated for Worst Couple, and Worst Actress twice - all for the same movie.

Oh, and Norbit is bad too, but you knew that.

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We once got bit by a cactus in a room where we were watching our aunt get chemo.

We felt different afterwards - very different. Our skin took on a heroic red hue, and little patches of extra muscle formed all over our body in the exact shape of radiation blisters. We'd entered that room too weak to even wear that simple lead vest, and left the room without touching the ground.

It's because we were vomiting on a stretcher. Apparently people visiting hospitals are 'obligated' to read the door-signs. What are we, students? Needless to say no real powers were transferred to us from that radiated cactus. And like us, the Justice League of America is looking sickly, bald and blistery at the moment.

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When Lex Luther was gonna explode all of California into the ocean to increase his slightly-east of California property value, we handled it just fine. When Magneto refuted Jean Grey's love just before she disintegrated into the netherverse, and the last thing she felt on this mortal plain was such a tremendous sadness, well, we handled that fine too.

That is how the third X-Men ended, right? We're not entirely sure because after the first gruelling 20 minutes we were too busy phone-googling ways to kill ourselves with popcorn to pay attention. Sure, walking out would have been easier, but we paid full price, dang-it!

The upcoming Fantastic Four movie, the one that apparently stars the Terminator II villain on a boogie board, well it could very well be heading down a similar path. To make matters worse, this movie's not content with simply inspiring millions to end it all. Rather, it wants to drag down the entire US monetary system with it - and that's why the Silver Surfer now appears on the flip side of lots and lots of real quarters - without the U.S. Mint's permission.

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Sport is rubbish.

Don’t argue. It is. It’s the sort of grunting, primitive genital-swinging nonsense that should have died out with the dinosaurs, witch-burning and Lynne Perrie.

But - apparently - a lot of people like sport. To them, the very idea of kicking a ball around and hitting each other when it doesn’t land where they want it to is the bestest most special experience in the universe times infinity.

And - what with the ever-decreasing profits seen in cinema chains last year - some crazy Americans have come up with a crazy sport-related plan.

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Want to know what the best Oscar speech ever made was? Look no further than Goodfellas star Joe Pesci, who sauntered onto the platform, hoisted his statuette in the air, looked out into the crowd and said "It’s a privilege, thank you."

And then left.

Chances are you’ll have watched last nights Oscar ceremony (or at least some bubble-headed GMTV ’round-up’ of the highlights) by the time you read this. And chances are also that you’ll have sat - car crash bystander paralysis rooting you to your seat - through a seemingly endless cavalcade of weeping, arse-kissing, god-thanking and other such celebrity award-getting malarkey.

Yet these days it seems like anyone can get an Oscar - from second assistant to the make-up person to Tom Cruise’s Personal Embarrassment Wrangler (whom, after a particularly busy year, may well be seeking a second-in-command of their own).

It’s almost as if someone should produce a training video that guides prospective winners through their prospective speeches. And then get Tom Hanks to narrate it. No - wait. That’s exactly what someone should do. Immediately and without question.

And you know what? They have. They really have ….

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Banana-chinned superstar director Quentin Tarantino is reported to be getting all stroppy with the producers of the upcoming new Bond movie - a remake of original spy-story Casino Royale.

The reason? Quentin reckons that the whole project was his idea in the first place, and that he suggested it to producers after the screenwriters for The World Is Not Enough and Die Another Day - yes, folks, people actually spent time writing those - admitted to struggling with ideas for a new script.

Apparently the Quentster had also filed a request to direct the picture, insisting that he could "go my way and do it a little differently"- which presumably means having James Bond waffle out long monologues on comic book characters in a strange, post-modern, ‘only clever and funny about ten years ago’ sort of way.

Still. Couldn’t be worse than Kill Bill 2, could it?

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Will Smith likes a bit of action.

Whether it’s shooting aliens in Independence Day, shooting robots in I, Robot or shooting badly-written criminal caricatures in Bad Boys 1 and 2 (when he would have immediately won more audience support by simply turning around and shooting Martin Lawrence), it’s fair to say that he’s a runny, jumpy, explosion-dodgy, fighty wisecracky kind of guy.

Until now.

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Sweet baby Jesus.

Anyone out there remember Castlevania - that classic 1980s videogame that (despite your fond memories of it) would probably prove to be a little bit crap if you tried playing it now?

You probably won’t be surprised that - what with the Doom/Halo-fuelled resurgence in turning thumb-twiddling console games into big-budget blockbusters - plans are afoot to bring this vampire-killing hokum to the big screen.

Sounds awful, doesn’t it? Sounds absolutely teeth-grindingly cack on every level imaginable, right?

Oh, dear hecklers. You don’t know the half of it…

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Babies.

They’re rubbish, aren’t they? Wailing spitting little blobs who grow up to be wailing spitting little toddlers. Face facts - babies simply don’t do anything.

Try telling that to Julianne Moore, though. She’s got a baby on the way - in fact, she’s the last remaining lady on the planet.

In her new film, that is.

See what we did there?

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The richest porker in Hollywood John Travolta was reportedly first choice to be the next tuxedo-clad James Bond. Hmm, a shiny pig wrapped in worsted. Lovely.

John Travolta has not acted in a decent part since Pulp Fiction. This might be down to a lack of good material, or more likely that his comeback-fat-and-loving-it gimmick is now as tired and bloated as he is.

However, this has not stopped James Bond producers allegedly considering him cream of the crop for the role of last century’s favourite superspy.

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