Film News

You know how you’re always wishing that there were more beverages named after perspiration from objectionable areas of the body?  

Well, wish no more! Paramount Pictures is introducing a new, cherry-licious drink called Booty Sweat. The drink comes from the upcoming Ben Stiller fiasco, Tropic Thunder, and is being marketed in conjunction with the film.   

And for the calorie-conscious, like ourselves who strive to keep our girlish figure for our lovely readers, we’re anxiously hoping for Diet Booty Sweat. Same great taste, new fruit flavor, but lower in Back Sauce! 

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The Catholic Church says there’s not a chance in the deepest depths of heck that the Da Vinci Code or anything even remotely related to the Da Vinci Code will ever be filmed in it again.

And just so Hollywood can stop embarrassing itself by getting constant refusals from them, they’re inventing a list of guidelines as to what types of films would be considered good film-on-site Vatican-worthy cinema.

It begs to question exactly what films ol’ V-town would find acceptable to film in their churches. Clearly Angels and Demons is out, but would they have allowed Darth Vader to cut off Luke’s hand in the chapel? Would Big Trouble have been permitted in their Little China? Would our mother and step-dad be able to make love in any of the 16 feature length films we’re currently making about how they first met, for each of which the manuscript is over 1000 pages long?

These are the questions that spring readily to mind.

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Say the name Tom Cruise and at least 3 out of 10 women will swoon right down to the floor. That’s probably because both he and his soft velvety skin are considered ‘handsome.’

And we’re not talking about just in lost African pygmy tribes either - we mean by western standards lots of chicks really dig him, man. Who wouldn’t want to look like that?

Production of Cruise’s Valkyrie movie called for a publicity shot of Tommy-boy’s profile smack dab next to one of the would-be German assassin - and you know what? The two look quite alike. Until German murmuring turned up the fact the one photo was altered quite a bit to look like the American star.

The poor dead guy. That profile head-shot was probably all his kids had left.

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You know when the Rock played the part of the Scorpion King in that one Mummy movie? You know how he crawled out of hell or something and sat there looking at Brendan Frasier from across the pit of the damned?

You know what he was thinking? He was probably thinking ‘His lips….they’re perfect….’ or something along those lines. We know this because a thought bubble briefly appeared on screen while we were watching at home once. Also this kind of clears up why in his wrestling days his secret move looked so much like he was trying to help an unconscious opponent breathe.

He’s in the Get Smart movie that’s gonna be unrolling on us soon, and in it he has to practically suck the lips right off of Steve Carell. You know what he said about it? He said it was ‘…fantastic.’

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In Korea the panda is a symbol of hope, able-bodiedness and freedom. They often grace the minds of children as they drift to sleep, and inspire all others to live, to love, and to perhaps one day become a zookeeper for the sake of proximity to them or something.

Keep in mind none of this applies if the specific panda is still a communist. If it’s a communist panda the people generally consider it an idiot.

But perhaps this panda-love is the reason Kung Fu Panda just shattered Korean box office records. We think the previous record holder was their version of Lonesome Dove, which was similar to the better known 1989 mini-series except their dove actually had quite a few close friends.

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The problem with filming the devil’s movies is that if any of the scenes require the architecture of a church, the owners of said church, along with their serious-minded boards of directors, must pass off on it.

This is where Angels and Demons has recently run into trouble. There is a scene in the book where Tom Hanks & a hot German woman named Elsa (who’d only recently slept with his father) break through a church floor, follow some flowing gasoline through a gathered crowd of rats to an old dead knight with a clue on his shield.

Now they can’t film any of this on location - the Rome Diocese has banned it.

The location slack will reportedly be picked up by two Kingdom Halls and a Mormon stake center. This of course means not a single gargoyle will be shot on camera. It’s bad because they need a gargoyle that comes to life just in time to save Tom Hanks from the exploding jelly truck. It’s really a pinnacle scene.

Thanks a lot, Diocese.

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Sometimes you really have to ask what the hell is going on?

First, hit show 24 becomes ‘26’. Then it casts Jon Voight as a terrorist. The 69-year-old Oscar-winning actor was recently signed on to be Jack Bauer’s nemesis for the upcoming seventh series.

After the shambles of the sixth series, 24 have pulled out the chequebook in an attempt to win back falling viewing figures.

But don’t you think casting Angelina Jolie’s frail father as the super villain is going a little too far – even by 24’s ridiculous standards.

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Generally when the Incredible Hulk smites his enemies, he has a small arsenal of weapons - his triceps, his biceps, and if rumors circulating about the 2011 sequel are to be believed - a golden machete.

He doesn’t need anything else - but that doesn’t mean he’s unwilling to consider all his options. Lung cancer, for instance, can be a highly effective super-tool in the hands of something so powerful and good.

With it, the demise of Magneto could be 20 minutes into a chemo treatment rather than smashing his brains through the side of John Deere headquarters.

Also the Hulk could use it to kill his hardest-core fans. Who needs them, right? He’s already started, you know - at least according to a legion of physicians. They’re so mad, and they will find a way to defeat him no matter what.

Actually, that sounds pretty good. Maybe someone should work that into an actual comic book.

We’re willing to letter it.

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Seth Rogen is fast becoming one of the great character actors of our time.

The portly star of a string of comedies over the last couple of years has managed to wow us all with his portrayal of a slobbish stoner with a kind heart, a slobbish stoner with a kind heart and a slobbish stoner with a kind heart. Ron Perlman had better watch his back, as his crown is surely about to be stolen.

That’s right: signs are pointing towards Seth Rogen playing a slobbish stoner with a kind heart in his new movie.

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There are strange decisions, there are odd choices and there are some things that just make you go ‘whubluh?!’ before falling on the floor and vomiting through sheer insanity.

Then there are things that initially confuse, but soon reveal themselves to be not that stupid an idea after all - like making a TV show (and latterly a movie) about shallow, image-obsessed bints with too much money and free time on their hands. Some things in the world are just meant to be.

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Is nothing from our childhoods sacred?

The prospect of a movie based on the ancient and well-regarded cartoon The Smurfs was hardly something that had filled us with joy.

It made hecklerspray let out a trademark sigh as we looked forward to another summer of movies single-handedly decimating the best years of our lives.

But this week the news suddenly became plain ridiculous, when it was revealed the upcoming Smurfs movie, apparently still in the works even though everyone had forgotten about it, will be - wait for it - live action.

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With the Sex And The City movie pulling lonely insecure women into cinemas in their droves, there’s only one question left to ask.

And that’s this - after seeing the overlong exploits of some weird-looking women who’ve developed bizarre shoe fixations to distract them from the endlessly bleak landmark-free waltz to their unhappy deaths, how can you dress more like the Sex And The City girls?

OSOYOU has the answer. And it’s a real answer, too, not like the cobblers we’d have probably told you - they’ve picked out costumes from the Sex And The City movie and found the nearest High Street equivalent. If you’re really that obsessed about looking like the middle-aged borderline alcoholics that you just saw in a film, then it’s probably quite invaluable.

Or, if that’s too much of a faff you can just do what Sarah Jessica Parker has done in the picture and punch the shit out of a tree elf until it gives you its clothes. Whichever’s easiest, really.

Read more:

The killer Sex and the City dresses and how to get the look! - OSOYOU