Film Gossip

Thanks to her endless drunken, cocaine-trousered run-ins with the law and subsequent rehab stints, it's been easy for people to forget about Lindsay Lohan's talents as an actress.

However, that's all changed now that people are noticing how terrible an actress Lindsay Lohan can be. This year's Razzie nominations have just been announced, and Lindsay Lohan has swept the board, managing to be nominated for Worst Couple, and Worst Actress twice - all for the same movie.

Oh, and Norbit is bad too, but you knew that.

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Christian Bale is used to battling with bloodthirsty robots bent on world domination – he works in Hollywood after all!

So signing up to be in the new Terminator movie should be a breeze for the Batman Begins star.

Reports suggest Christian Bale is close to agreeing a deal to play ‘mankind’s saviour’ John Connor in Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins, due to start filming in Budapest in April.

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As received by hecklerspray over the wire just a few seconds ago, Angelina Jolie may be knocked up via some sort of intercourse with Brad Pitt.

According to the medical journal we obtained from a trash bin near a reptile room at the London Zoo, the general pregnancy process begins with several pounds of wriggling snake genitalia, and tons of egg laying.

Until we start hanging out near gynaecological trash bins, we’ll likely remain quite stumped by the Pitt/Jolie pregnancy news.

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Fair play to old Vinnie. He is making a mint from a profession he can’t do to save his life. Crap Bond villain for Casino Royale, a - no doubt - crap new Bond movie. A marriage made in heaven.

Mr Vinnie Jones can be relied upon to do one thing very well in a film - nothing. If you want zero charisma, range, movement and expression, he is definitely your man.

"I’d like to have a go at James Bond."

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Think of a renowned documentary maker. What sort of names pop into your head? John Pilger? Nick Broomfield? Populist pamphleteers like Michael Moore or curious mirthmakers like Louis Theroux?

Chances are you didn’t think of Guy Ritchie.

Fresh from the critical mauling his new pile of tosscheese Revolver had received ("It’s shit" - C J Davies, hecklerspray), Ritchie has decided to produce something with a more factual bent.

And he’s only gone and got his bloody wife involved.

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70’s flick Saturday Night Fever has got something of an unfair reputation. Far from being the cheesy dance-marathon that the people who organise ‘School Disco’ nights would have you believe, its actually a dark slice of drama with one of the most unsympathetic leading characters in mainstream cinema.

Not that this means anything to The Bee Gees (CDs), though.

In a move which will surely delight Bacardi-swilling checkout girls, the remaining Gibb brothers are rumoured to be hatching plans of a ‘big-budget remake’, featuring none other than gurning pantomime simpleton Robbie Williams (CDs).

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Certain films just don’t need follow-ups. hecklerspray can think of a big long list of such titles - undiluted cack that shouldn’t really have been greenlit for the first movie anyway.

Quite a few of these films involve Kevin Costner.

Whether its the soul-sapping awfulness of The Postman (which - brilliantly - ends with a group of wide-eyed children staring up with admiration at a huge statue of the Kevster) or the please-drown-me movieturd otherwise known as Waterworld, Costner has handled more turkeys than a Bernard Matthews farmhand.

The worst offender, however, is 1992’s The Bodyguard.

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No need to pad this story with half-arsed conjecture. Instead here’s five facts to tell all about the almost-greenlit Daredevil 2:

1.  Ben Affleck (DVDs) and Jennifer Garner (DVDs) both featured in the original Daredevil movie in 2003.

2.  They got married last month, to each other.

3.  They want to work together on a film project soon.

"Ben says it’s in the early stages, but he is hopeful," remarked Garner hopefully "It would be fun to work together, not to mention convenient."

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Scarlett Johansson doesn’t hate acting, she just understands that it’s not curing cancer, building a bridge, or doing anything remotely useful whatsoever.

"As actors, we make movies, we don’t save lives" she told Germany’s Financial Times "it’s actually not that important."

Something we all knew really, but thanks to Scarlett’s candour we’re getting it straight from the horse’s mouth.

"I’m also not proud of my films. That was never a criteria."

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The Sopranos and Reservoir Dogs actor Steve Buscemi is not the prettiest guy around. That doesn’t mean he should be killed off in nearly everything he’s in, but, really, how many times do you see Tom Cruise getting shot in the head and run over?

Work’s work though, and despite being stabbed, shafted, cracked, crunched and splattered over a dozen times on film and TV, Buscemi remains happy to be dead.

"I’m not drawn to roles where my characters die. I am drawn to good writing and good directors." he responded.

A great actor Steve Buscemi (DVDs). A weasel in various guises for every single part he’s ever taken, but that’s not to say it’s an easy gig.

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You can say what you will about midget superstar Tom Cruise (DVDs) - and hecklerspray has vented its fair share of spleen over the months - but you can’t exactly call the boy shy.

What with War Of The Worlds all set to plaster his face across billboards all summer and his endlessly scrutinised ‘relationship’ with starlet Katie Holmes (DVDs) keeping him safely in the column inches, it’s fair to assume that we’re not really looking at Mr. Low-Profile here.

And Tom’s latest move? Hold on to your hats, everybody. It’s insane.

Tom’s made a pledge to make Victoria Beckham into a major Hollywood player.

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What’s one of the coolest ‘credible’ movies of all time? Simple, Leon (DVDs). It’s even liked by facsimile film school twits who won’t normally watch anything that isn’t Latvian or doesn’t feature eight thousand pages of dialogue. And even the Sting song at the end doesn’t spoil it.

Must be good, then.

A sequel to director Luc Besson’s Leon - known as The Professional in America - has been thrown about internet movie chatrooms like a midget on a stag night. Nobody thought it would ever come to much because nobody from the original movie was showing much interest.

Not true any more. Shaven (headed) sweetheart Natalie Portman (DVDs) has got us all excited to the point of a bathroom trip over this throwaway comment:

“I’d jump at the chance.”

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