Film Gossip

Heterosexual males and homosexual females - and anyone else who has a pulse – unite and take note: Scarlett Johansson’s relationship to actor boyfriend Ryan Reynolds may be on the rocks.

According to a ‘Stateside spy’ working under cover for the Daily Mail, their relationship has ‘hit a rough patch’. It seems Scarlett has been scared off by Ryan’s mentioning of babies and weddings. The spy said:

"Scarlett is younger and has no desire for a husband or family just yet."

What’s this? An A-list female celebrity who prioritises her career above procreation?

How refreshing.

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Lindsay Lohan is set to strip off in her upcoming film.

That’s right, according to MTV UK, Lindsay Lohan is going to take all of her clothes off. She is going to get completely naked – can you imagine that??

Of course you can. Everybody can. At just the mention of her name your mind’s eye was no doubt engulfed with images of her inflated bosoms hovering around you.

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An image of Tom Cruise laughing like a maniac is being used to sell a brand of hallucinogenic marijuana in Californian cannabis clubs. It has even been named in his honour.

Somewhat ironically though, the news hasn’t brought a smile to Tom Cruise’s face, and his lawyers are believed to be looking into the matter. Who would have thought Tom Cruise x Weed = anything other than the most self-obsessed giggle fit in history?

According to the NY Daily News’ Rush & Molly column, the product is being marketed as ‘Tom Cruise Purple’, and one 'weed devotee' told them:

"I heard it's the kind of pot that makes you hallucinate."

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Thanks to her endless drunken, cocaine-trousered run-ins with the law and subsequent rehab stints, it's been easy for people to forget about Lindsay Lohan's talents as an actress.

However, that's all changed now that people are noticing how terrible an actress Lindsay Lohan can be. This year's Razzie nominations have just been announced, and Lindsay Lohan has swept the board, managing to be nominated for Worst Couple, and Worst Actress twice - all for the same movie.

Oh, and Norbit is bad too, but you knew that.

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Christian Bale is used to battling with bloodthirsty robots bent on world domination – he works in Hollywood after all!

So signing up to be in the new Terminator movie should be a breeze for the Batman Begins star.

Reports suggest Christian Bale is close to agreeing a deal to play ‘mankind’s saviour’ John Connor in Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins, due to start filming in Budapest in April.

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As received by hecklerspray over the wire just a few seconds ago, Angelina Jolie may be knocked up via some sort of intercourse with Brad Pitt.

According to the medical journal we obtained from a trash bin near a reptile room at the London Zoo, the general pregnancy process begins with several pounds of wriggling snake genitalia, and tons of egg laying.

Until we start hanging out near gynaecological trash bins, we’ll likely remain quite stumped by the Pitt/Jolie pregnancy news.

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Fair play to old Vinnie. He is making a mint from a profession he can’t do to save his life. Crap Bond villain for Casino Royale, a - no doubt - crap new Bond movie. A marriage made in heaven.

Mr Vinnie Jones can be relied upon to do one thing very well in a film - nothing. If you want zero charisma, range, movement and expression, he is definitely your man.

"I’d like to have a go at James Bond."

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Think of a renowned documentary maker. What sort of names pop into your head? John Pilger? Nick Broomfield? Populist pamphleteers like Michael Moore or curious mirthmakers like Louis Theroux?

Chances are you didn’t think of Guy Ritchie.

Fresh from the critical mauling his new pile of tosscheese Revolver had received ("It’s shit" - C J Davies, hecklerspray), Ritchie has decided to produce something with a more factual bent.

And he’s only gone and got his bloody wife involved.

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70’s flick Saturday Night Fever has got something of an unfair reputation. Far from being the cheesy dance-marathon that the people who organise ‘School Disco’ nights would have you believe, its actually a dark slice of drama with one of the most unsympathetic leading characters in mainstream cinema.

Not that this means anything to The Bee Gees (CDs), though.

In a move which will surely delight Bacardi-swilling checkout girls, the remaining Gibb brothers are rumoured to be hatching plans of a ‘big-budget remake’, featuring none other than gurning pantomime simpleton Robbie Williams (CDs).

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Certain films just don’t need follow-ups. hecklerspray can think of a big long list of such titles - undiluted cack that shouldn’t really have been greenlit for the first movie anyway.

Quite a few of these films involve Kevin Costner.

Whether its the soul-sapping awfulness of The Postman (which - brilliantly - ends with a group of wide-eyed children staring up with admiration at a huge statue of the Kevster) or the please-drown-me movieturd otherwise known as Waterworld, Costner has handled more turkeys than a Bernard Matthews farmhand.

The worst offender, however, is 1992’s The Bodyguard.

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No need to pad this story with half-arsed conjecture. Instead here’s five facts to tell all about the almost-greenlit Daredevil 2:

1.  Ben Affleck (DVDs) and Jennifer Garner (DVDs) both featured in the original Daredevil movie in 2003.

2.  They got married last month, to each other.

3.  They want to work together on a film project soon.

"Ben says it’s in the early stages, but he is hopeful," remarked Garner hopefully "It would be fun to work together, not to mention convenient."

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Scarlett Johansson doesn’t hate acting, she just understands that it’s not curing cancer, building a bridge, or doing anything remotely useful whatsoever.

"As actors, we make movies, we don’t save lives" she told Germany’s Financial Times "it’s actually not that important."

Something we all knew really, but thanks to Scarlett’s candour we’re getting it straight from the horse’s mouth.

"I’m also not proud of my films. That was never a criteria."

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