Film Gossip

The planned Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson Bond-theme has been cancelled because, according to Ronson, when it comes to her current mental state, Amy can’t find a quantum of solace anywhere.

However, a spokesman for Winehouse has said that this isn’t the case and that the real reason is to do with a clash of interests regarding the development of the song, of which Amy had “other ideas”.

Is Amy telling the truth, or is it Mark? Who knows? As far as that argument goes, it’s probably best to live and let die.

It’s a terrible shame for all things Bond as, when it comes to musical collaborations, nobody does it better than Winehouse and Ronson.

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Lindsay Lohan is angry because an image of her drunken, villainous face has been used in an effort to teach America that ‘not all alcohol users are as irresponsible as people like Lindsay Lohan’ in a full page advert in USA Today on Friday.

The ad was part of a campaign against legislation for convicted drunk-drivers to have ignition interlocks installed (a device that measures a driver’s blood alcohol level before their vehicle can start) and was funded by the American Beverage Institute, a trade group that supports the interests of the alcohol industry.

Why is the alcohol industry having a go at Lindsay Lohan? Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. What’s next; the American Cake Institute denouncing Rosie O’Donnell?

Madness.

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Katie Price, who’s that? The short answer is the fake-tanned slapper who’s famous for getting her tits out.

However, there is another solution to the question. You see, Katie Price has two names. We’d like to point out that she’s not schizophrenic and doesn’t pick between Jordan and Kate Price depending on if its warm enough to strap on a bikini.

In the early days (aka - the nineties) when she had the body for it, Jordon would get her boobies out for men’s magazines across the land. But they weren’t just any set of knockers. They were mega melons! As big as your head and the weight of seven small puppies.

Then Jordan grew up. Married a dire popstar and wanted people to call her by her real name to be taken more seriously. This approach has landed her a film role. And no, it’s not porn related!

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Voluptuous skeleton Angelina Jolie and boyfriend Bradley Pitt considered making an emergency landing as they flew to Los Angeles from the set of his latest film.

That kind of makes it sound like they were flying the plane themselves; they weren’t, but feel free to imagine they were.

Hecklerspray imagines that they were flying the plane because the pilot got so shocked, being in the company of their overwhelming sexiness, that he had a heart-attack and, as they were the only two on board, Brad the slightly more male, Brad is forced to take the wheel, looking sexy as he does so, whilst Angelina tries to regain her composure, looking sexy as she does so.

Then, as they realise they literally have no idea how to fly a plane, hurtling toward a mountain peak, they rip each others clothes off and synchronise their climaxes with the horrific explosion.

But no; it were just a swollen ankle injury that got ’swollener’ in the sky.

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It is the sort of news that would have lesser entertainment sites typing, over and over again, in an indecent boldness of font, the letters: OMG.

That most blasphemous initialising of ‘Oh My God’, which the youths of today treat so brazenly, as if the name of our Lord were merely a soiled menstrual nappy to be tossed away willy-nilly, it’s sacrilegious smudge left to spread amongst the scum-ridden culture-wasteland of working class society.

The word God must never be abbreviated. It is an act of devolution so disgusting that it shant be matched until the day The Kooks are considered anything other than the most grotesque of namby-pambies.

But, if hecklerspray were as pathetic as those sites, then right now we would be licking our own ejaculate into a mural of OMGs, high on to the ceiling above us, because Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are going to be acting together in the same movie.

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Slightly obese humourist Ricky Gervais has landed a role in the new GTA game, due for release on April 29.

The man responsible for some of the decade’s greatest television has teamed up with the creators of the decade’s greatest computer game, in what has been described by one man as ‘a slightly interesting event - I’ll probably have a look’.

Ricky will appear as himself, performing three minutes of new material, as well as some jokes from his recent Fame tour, in the Liberty City Comedy Club.

Make no mistake about it, that’s a tough crowd - one poorly-timed dance routine and Ricky could soon find himself on the receiving end of the old ‘rocket up the arse’ heckle.

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If you were to grab hold of any OAP and say: “excuse me, OAP, but could you please give me your opinions on how the youth of today treat the English language” then that OAP will immediately reply “kids these days…lost all respect for the fine traditions of our proud language that was so lovingly leant to us by our Queen – it’s bloody disgusting!”

Before turning their attentions back to Deal or No Deal and falling asleep for the rest of the week. Bless ‘em.

And maybe they’re on to something. We have Jessica Simpson describing Scarlett Johansson as unbelievably talented; we have uneducated bloggers posting showbiz articles that infuriate the intense-grammar-loving public of America; and now the word ‘genius’ – once saved for people like Newton, Darwin, Einstein and Darren Anderton - has been used to describe Paris bloody Hilton.

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Nineties heartthrob Sandra Bullock has narrowly escaped death after her car was hit by a drug-crazed female driver.

The drug in question is the one which is responsible for more deaths each year than cocaine, heroin and crack combined.

It is the one which is smelt on the breath of 40% of reported violent criminals, 78% of assaulters and 88% of criminal damagers.

Worst of all, it is the drug most responsible for the current record-breaking human-population on earth.

It’s alcohol - obviously.

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Scarlett Johansson (the actress - and now singer - famous for having Scarlett Johansson’s boobs on her chest; you know the one?) has blasted two of hecklerspray’s most cherished celebrities!

The outrageous harlot has dared to declare that the musical talent of our Paris Hilton and our Lindsay Lohan is not quite her cup of tea.

How dare she? Just who does she think she is? Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a put a lot of good, honest, hard-work into getting where they are today, yet where is the respect? Do you think those cocks suck themselves?

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It has been a truly rubbish week for Cameron Diaz.

First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young - a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler.

Oh, no, wait - screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity.

Fucking men!

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Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and - thank almighty Christ - this time we aren’t talking about the tether which battles in vain each day to keep her knickers together.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

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Lindsay Lohan’s mum, Dina Lohan, has dismissed reports that her daughter will be getting her fanny out for upcoming independent film Florence.

The news has no doubt brought a tear to the eye of a million lonely lads who, if Dina is to be believed, will have to make do with what Lindsay has put out for their consumption already – as if that wasn’t enough.

But who cares about those wankers? Spare a thought for the producers of the film: you jerk-offs have only lost out on another chance to be titillated - the producers have lost the entire plot to their film!

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