Features

This week’s highs and lows.

Folded:

• Tamiya’s Toyota Land Cruiser ‘Rock Crawler’ (Christmas soon…)
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on DVD (at least the production diaries doc is pretty interesting)
• Wasting time on YouTube watching the opening credits from old TV shows (you’ll look back fondly on The Big Breakfast, oh yes you will)
• A third series of The IT Crowd currently filming (and no Noel Fielding to make it all unfunny. Yey and stuff)
• How To Lose Friends and Alienate People (this’ll be our editor Stu Heritage’s biography in a couple of years, only blonde instead of ginger)

Creased:

• The new James Bond song (if someone could point us towards something resembling a chorus we’d be most grateful)
• Cobra lemongrass beer (alcopops with trendy artwank label and inflated price tag)
• Snow Patrol appear to have rebranded themselves as Del Amitri (and they sound even worse)
• Root canal surgery (this’ll ruin any Friday afternoon, trust us)
• Metallica (yep, stiiiiiilllll going…)

10 - The sweetest thing you will ever see - Charlie, an injured cat, recuperating on a live webcam. We genuinely can’t stop watching this - Yourcat

9 - Wooden acorns - Thesmallobject

8 - A list of 12 things we’re all more likely to die of now. Joy - Dailygreen

7 - And a list of five ways that Mother Nature can kill you suddenly - Cracked

6 - Hey, young people! Hillary Duff hates you! That’s so gay!- Best Week Ever

5 - Mass-produced cyborg suites! Thanks, um, Kanye West - Kanyewest

4 - A bin shaped like an egg. Want one - Boingboing

3 - Are you in a band? You should probably do this, then. It’s better than growing your hair and sucking in your cheeks all day, you girls - Red Bull Bedroom Jam

2 - Turns out the builders of The Titanic knew they were doing a crappy job, and just wanted to spite Leonardo DiCaprio - Newsweek

1 - The video to Take On Me by A-Ha, described perfectly in song…

10 - Pretty girls gone funny-looking - Spike

9 - Damn you bureaucrats for wrecking French wine! - Slate

8 - Here’s a proper scary story that will give you the willies - Mountainsanatorium

7 - Remember Same Difference from X Factor? No? Too Late - Popjustice

6 - This Halloween, why not watch all the Saw movies in a row all night at the Imax, ending in Saw V? It’s the most depressing way you’ll ever come to resent mankind - Imax

5 - Name That Beer Label quiz - Namethatwhatever

4 - Sex education for youngsters! Hooray!

3 - Gwyneth Paltrow in a seven-minute Dennis Hopper film about handbags. Worse than even we give it credit for - AV Club

2 - Perez Hilton Vs Michael Lohan: the boxing match where everybody wins - New York Daily News

1 - New hecklerspray hero: One String Willy - I Am Bored

10 - Quick, Diddy, talk politics while looking as if you’re masturbating!

9 - Nutty celebrity stalkers. See, this is how you stalk someone properly. You know who you are - Popcrunch

8 - Want to make a Five Intersecting Tetrahedra Dodecahedron? OK! - Instructables

7 - Probably best not to watch this if you have children, or are planning a trip to a theme park - Local6

6 - Genius. Never send drunken abusive emails again - Gmail Blog

5 - Here’s a new planet that’s denser than lead. And yet somehow still not denser than anyone who’s ever appeared on Big Brother - Discovermagazine

4 - Weezer breaks several world records, probably including Most Embarrassing Creative Slide By A Band Between Their First And Sixth Albums - Absolutepunk

3 - Why you should never eat at Burger King - Submiturpics

2 - Elmo is a pimp. That’s all - I Am Bored

1 - Creepy robot. Do not watch this video - Best Week Ever

10 - Creepy old adverts from the past - Weirdynews

9 - Victoria Beckham states the obvious - Holy Moly

8 - Oh David Letterman. Employ us…

7 - Hey Fearne Cotton, put something in your hair. No, not that, something stupider. Stupider. Stupider. OK, that’s great, thanks - Popsugar

6 - You heard the man, booze for the Russian cosmonaut please - Ananova

5 - They tried to make Amy Winehouse go to rehab, she said “HAIL XENU!” - Gawker

4 - Acorn Flour! Yes! - Boingboing

3 - There’s a South Park DVD coming out soon that’s shaped like a Bible. Here’s a jokeless video to mark the occasion - Dailymotion

2 - Guitar Hero World Tour. Not even Paramore can blunt our excitement - Cinema Blend

1 - Glorious, glorious kung-fu failure - I Am Bored

They are the babes we’d all like to boldly go with – the hottest women to ever appear in Star Trek.

But compiling a list of the sexiest ever was never going to be easy. With all its different incarnations and the sheer volume of life-forms Captain Kirk alone has sullied, it’s certainly a tough job. But Hecklerspray has never been one to shirk a challenge and is prepared to risk the wrath of Trekkies across the world by compiling a list of lovelies that are the envy of the galaxy.

And we are pretty happy with the results. Put it this way, we’d certainly love to get our hands on their tricorders. However, we are sure you will have your own suggestions. As always, please let us know of any glaring omissions – not that you need any encouragement, you pedantic, miserable bastards.

And before you ask, we have not included the upcoming Star Trek film, which is due to be released next year. So the names Zoe Saldana and Jennifer Morrison have not been added to the list this time, but would certainly come into contention next time if we decided to do this list again.

Anyway, set your phasers to stun and enjoy.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

If hecklerspray ever had to fight a crocodile, we’d start out by giving it our famous one-two punch, follow up with our world renowned triple-round-house kick, and then we’d force its tail into its own mouth making it chew until it was nothing more than a little scaly donut.

Don’t try that at home, kids. We’ve had training.

If we ever had to fight Mahamba, on the other hand, we’d probably do all the same things except with construction cranes instead of our hands. That’s because Mahamba is reported to be a 50′ long croc. It’s been sighted in the Congo, and some say it’s a remnant from a very ancient age.

Read the rest of this entry »

10 - Old now, but uncanny: Lil’ Bill O’Reilly - Soupcans

9 - Corn wanking. On TV - Huffington Post

8 - Remember when Dan Akroyd was funny? - The Hater

7 - Clarification from last week: Hadley Freeman, please marry hecklerspray’s Ian Dransfield. His dedication to you is frightening - The Guardian

6 - Now even The Simpsons want you to vote, which isn’t funny, but not as unfunny as Leonardo DiCaprio wanting you to vote…

5 - A drunk woman who terrorised a town dressed as a cow. More criminals like this please - The Smoking Gun

4 - Want to make a pair of glowing solar-powered shoes that you can hurl over a telegraph wire? OK! - Instructables

3 - This is guaranteed to come back and bite us on the arse, but does anything else think the trailer for Paul Blart: Mall Cop looks quite good - Traileraddict

2 - Why do terrifying dead monsters keep washing up everywhere? - Gawker

1 - 50 lots of funny-looking eyebrows. Shut up, it’s Monday - Damnfunpics

This week’s this and that.

Folded:

• 10 Reasons why Paul Newman ruled (could have been a hundred reasons)
• 50% off your Pizza Hut food bill over the weekend (click here and get jiggy with a large Hawaiian)
• Wearing a suit when you don’t need to (turn up for beers on a Friday night and unnerve people. They’ll think your lotto numbers have come up and buy you drinks)
• Dead Fred (‘kill’ something each time you use your pen. Perfect if you get upset signing cheques)
• Frankie Boyle (a comedian who would probably rip the piss if you spontaneously combusted on his doorstep)

Creased:

• Paul Newman: the sad passing of a Hollywood legend (not many of these old school matinee idols left now. A damn shame)
• Duffy wandering down the street swigging a bottle of milk in her new video (so self consciously hip that she doesn’t even need to smile. That’s cool, kids; milky and miserable)
• Righteous Kill (should have been made and released in 1989 to clog up the STV shelves of Ritz video)
• Half price sales (normally you wouldn’t be seen dead buying that yellow t-shirt from Next, but there you are, queuing up with everyone else, wasting your heard earned cash on sub-boot sale fodder)
• Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon, apparently (anyone else thought this was some crappy new soft rock combo doing the soundtrack for One Tree Hill?)

10 - Wayne Coyne discusses fake blood. Again - Popsugar

9 - Anonymous philanthropist donates 200 kidneys to a hospital. In a binbag - The Onion

8 - A child shooting himself in the genitals - I Am Bored

7 - Finally! Driveshaft get the recognition they deserve - EW

6 - The logical reaction to watching this advert: Smash! Punch! Hate! Punch! Aw, Sarah Silverman is lovely. Hate! Idiot! Smash! Smug! Gah! This video is so bad it made us want to move to America for long enough to become American citizens, just so we can parade up and down outside Demi Bastard Moore’s house taunting her because we deliberately went out of our way to not vote. Seriously, this infuriated us so much we think we’re currently crapping blood.

5 - Also, how to overcome resentment - Thinksimplenow

4 - Haha Rick Astley is so funny because he’s bad lol. LOL! LOL when we say LOL!  - BBC

3 - Hey, look, a testicle cookbook - Daily Mail

2 - The perfect ice-to-drink ratio. Thanks, science! - Wired

1 - OJ Simpson’s hidden camera pranks show. We’re not joking - Best Week Ever

10 - The only video on the internet that isn’t about the election…

9 - An angry rant about Dane Cook. Fun - JoBlo

8 - More on the fascinating Blindness vs blindness debate from yesterday - Best Week Ever

7 - Want to make your own Limoncello? OK! - Instructables

6 - Jordan and Peter Andre aren’t splitting upzzzzzzzzzzz - Pop Sugar

5 - Christina Aguilera. We think - Heatworld

4 - Derrin Brown? Peep Show? Something called HypnoSex? Hooray! Joost UK finally isn’t crap anymore! - Joost

3 - This is what happens when you let mental ex-girlfriends sell your toys on eBay - I Am Bored

2 - Find out what Google thought about you in 2001 - Google

1 - A heron eating a rabbit. Whole. A Heron eating a whole rabbit. In one go - Daily Mail

10 – Banksy decides to tart up New Orleans after its recent bout of storms - Banksy

9 – Some tosspot pays $60,000 for a lipstick drawing of Kate Moss - Bellasugar

8 – Want to smell like a cheesy-looking ponce? Then the Hollyoaks line of fragrances is just for you - Now

7 – Are you fat and dependent on takeaways? Don’t worry! Jamie Oliver plans to help you out - Channel 4

6 – Geri Halliwell has written a screenplay. Surely it can’t be worse then Tropic Thunder - Holy Moly

5 – Yves Rossy creates something we all want for Christmas at hecklerspray towers - BBC

4 – Save up those pennies! Britney Spears is threatening to tour in 2009 - MTV

3 – Ever considered a mannequin on the toilet to be art? Neither do we, but the Turner Prize committee does - Guardian

2 – Peep Show gets the glossy treatment and over-the-top camerawork for its American makeover - BBC

1 – Martin Luther King ponders over the decision on Deal Or No Deal