Fresh from its victorious sinking of the Tumblr Trawler, Webthump is here to receive your adulation!

Well, not quite.  We’ve donned our fisherman’s waders to have a carcinogenic  rummage  in the foetid, elbow-deep cesspool that is the Internet.  All to bring you something to gawp at while fondling your shriveled genitals.  We could have been doing something useful with our time, like whittling voodoo dolls of Russell ‘new relationship’ Brand from old lolly sticks.

From the congealed masses of pornography and dead Myspace pages we’ve managed to dredge up a few sparkling gems of entertainment.  We’ve brought you 10 of the best, worst and weirdest that mankind’s collective intelligence can vomit up.

10. Remember childhood?  Unless you’ve repressed all memory it should be a golden hued, nostalgia filled delusion of possibilities and innocence.  Anything was possible, remember?  You were going to be a secret agent astronaut who had an infinite supply of pogs.  It’s all been a downward spiral of disappointment ending in erectile dysfunction and rubber pants from there.  If only you’d learnt to go out and grab what you want.  If only you weren’t afraid of breaking the rules.  If only you were Noah Jeffrey, a 3 year old so who said “bum-bum-poohead” to a life of dejection and scheduled nap times.  He’s so cool, we’d eat the dried, crusty snot from his top lip.

9. Bollocks.  Arty Bollocks to be precise.  This site serves no real purpose whatsoever. You click a button and it spouts some overblown shite about ‘consumerist fetishism’ and ‘constructed dialogues’.  It’s the sort of long worded drivel spouted in those ‘tastefully tatty’ bars full of tight trousered twats with ‘ironically terrible’ hair. We tried applying it to hecklerspray.  Apparently we’re an “undefined phenomena become undefined through undefined and critical practice, the viewer is left with a glimpse of the limits of our era.”  What the hell does that even mean?

8. More bollocks. Utter, total gonads.  Big, hairy surreal ones at that. Illogicopedia is fascinatingly bizarre, stocked to the gills with nonsensical babble and outrageous drivel.  Built on the same lines as Wikipedia, only twice as entertaining and infinitely less useful.  There is not a single true statement hiding anywhere in the vast mire of twaddle that is Illogicopedia, which make is hilariously entertaining for about 10 minutes.  William Shatner‘s entry is worth a look.

7. This is just rotten stuff.  But we can’t stop reading it.  Tucker Max is an asshole.  The introduction to his website is “Hi, I’m Tucker Max and I am an asshole.”  He really is a terrible human being, we want to be him.  He’s rich, smart and gets laid.  A lot.  The website is a chronicle of the worst things Max has done in his 20-something years.  Most of them involve models and are told with lines such as…  Sorry, we’ve been searching the site for an hour and there isn’t a single quote we can put on even our sullied pages.  The trailer from an upcoming Tucker Max Movie might give you an idea what we mean.

6.  Another self-proclaimed sphincter here.  But this one is amusing rather than compulsively repulsive.  Emails from an Asshole pretty much does as it says.  Any chance to send irritating emails to someone is seized upon with impish glee and some poor sucker’s day is guaranteed to get worse.  It’s spawned an old fashioned paper compendium that’s probably done the rounds.  But who wants to read something you have to touch with you hands? What is this, 1993? Check out the archives for a few hours of amusement and in this case, kitten mangling horror.

5.  If that’s not enough time wasting archive dwelling for you, try B3ta.com.  This forum has been going since 5 minutes before the big bang and is populated with some of the best bad ideas we’ve ever seen.  The site is totally devoted to the sharing of ideas for products that is describes as “completely fucking useless shit”.  With the likes of the Salmon Cannon, “firing your salmon has never been easier” and Dr Glomp’s Turd Polish we can’t really argue.

4.  Enough time wasting for you? Fancy doing something constructive? Darksites.com tore themselves away from animated vampire girls for long enough to help you take over the world.  The Evil Guide Plan helps those of a world dominating but indecisive nature to plot their rise to power.  Simply enter your desired goals and preferred methods and the Evil Guide Plan breaks it all down into 3 easy steps with fashion advice an agreeable ego stroking.

3.  Lego men are always smiling.  What have the got to look so smug about?  They don’t even had elbows or knees and yet they grin at you with their cylindrical heads with an unsettling superiority.  We hate Lego men with such a passion we can forgive these boys for being Canadian after what they did to this happy yellow chappy.

2. We’ve all dreamt of having sex with a robot we built in our parent’s garage.  Good news! It can be done.  Thanks to a guy called Zoltan you can now hump a creepy fembot to your lonely heart’s content.  Which is a sentence we’ve been dying to write since we got our Journalism degree.  There’s many an article been penned about Zoltan and his android humping ways.  The best is an in-depth account of science meeting heartbreak and Zoltan’s technical genius being unleashed “with a doll and some hacked teledildonics”.  There’s another line we wished we’d written.  The worst article out there is not worth reprinting but is titled “A Motherfucking Robot I Tells Ya.”

1. Now, this video is hosted on a Christian video sharing site.  We are aware of the irony of us mentioning it on our pages.  Especially in an article that condones using children as pint sized agents of crime and sex with robots. Even with our heretical ways this clip came close to melting our cynical exteriors.  These guys are 90, they don’t have long left.  The Reaper’s grasping at their shirt collars, ready to yank them into the hereafter.   But not before they’ve had a jolly good sing-song.  Watch it, grin despite yourself and then wonder how much urine was spilled during the performance.

Webthump utilises a team of 10,000 trained chimpanzees to enter random searches into Google.  After sifting through millions of banana related results we are left with 10 items worth publishing.  If you wish to join our team of chimps drop suggestions on our Facebook page or message us on Twitter.

Seen something good on the web? Tell Dep Ed Michael about it and make all your dreams come true by getting your name on Webthump!

10. Sepp Blatter knows there’s no problem with racism in football. To prove the point, @thermoso sent us this website full of images of him not being racist.

9. A mysterious, inscrutable man calling himself “Roscoe” showed us this beautifully made Japanese anime. Yes, that is Hercule Poirot & Miss Marple. The theme song’s worth sticking around for.

8. @whoismatthew found a Sinclair C5 cot. You could have bought it but you didn’t. Your life is now invalid.

7. Do you hate the overly familiar nonsense on the side of your products? Well, @rhodri came across Wackaging.

6. Cat hair. Usually number 6 is reserved for kittens but @o0hollie0o found a book about how to craft objects from cat hair. Get it ordered up, you creepy bastards.

5. Penguins. They’re like kittens but inexorably better. Luckily, @hattiet_ found a Penguin Press. Not a press for pressing penguins, you understand.

4. Our very own @Robin_Darke is a sick pup and sent some Tourettes Karaoke in. It’s exactly as funny as it sounds.

3. Err… well… fan fiction‘s a bit of a weird one, isn’t it? @abitof seems to want you all to see this collection of the creepiest lines we’ve ever read. Bring a sick-bag.

2. It’s always number 2. Has Presidential candidate and all-round wonderful guy Herman Cain even heard of Libya? Well, he’s certainly checked something out.

1. @_Cabble never fails to find the weirdest things on the internet and blow us down with a light breeze if this didn’t make us spit our mini babybels with laughter.

This is the second week of us throwing open the floodgates of the internet to you people. Seen something exciting, interesting, plain weird or even just funny enough to draw a snort of laughter from Christopher Biggins? Well, give Dep Ed Michael a shout and he’ll put them in here and allow people to bask in your browsing glory.

10. Oldie-but-a-goodie this week comes from @sianrosanna. It’s Cake Wrecks.

9. Here’s a good old BBC show by Jonathan Meades in which he goes around Scotland’s football towns. The ones that wouldn’t show up on a Sat Nav.

8. @CheShA knows as well as we do that you all want to see Captain Kirk’s masculine fighting style. Why not learn it yourself?

7. Baseball! Everyone’s heard of it, thanks to Kevin Costner’s awareness-raising film ‘Field Of Dreams’ but what’s it actually all about? Who gives a flying spanner? @_Cabble found this video of the World Series logo flying out of an umpire’s arse. BEAT THAT, CRICKET!

6. You lot really adore kittens, don’t you? Is it their inability to grasp grammar or their cute, fuzzy faces? Who cares. @Janikakakaka sent in some kittens on album covers.

5. In what could be a confession, @jacksonliam sent us this story about a man that wants to spill his filthy man-seed in every Starbucks in New York. That’s 298 Starbucks.

4. @MelReeve told us about badly placed stickers. We can’t help but feel some of these may have been deliberate.

3. Life! Death! Top Tips! We can’t remember who sent us this but it’s bloody great.

2. Our favourite Republican nuthouse Herman Cain has gone on Jimmy Kimmel Live to say he hasn’t been touching women up. He didn’t. Republicans don’t believe it. It makes them horny.

1. A review of Immortals by @JM_Underwood. To be fair, he didn’t send this to us because that would be massively narcissistic and we don’t encourage that kind of nonsense here. We can’t ever show you it though. Because the film is so laughably terrible, John’s review was removed from the site under the terms of the embargo. Here at hecklerspray, we’re not bound by that embargo so we’d like to say, not only is Immortals a terrible film but we demand justice for John’s review.

From now on, Webthump will be a collection of the best things that you, yes you, the readers have found on the internet. Exciting stuff!

All you have to do to get your name in lights is tweet the best thing you’ve seen on the internet recently at our scumbag deputy ed Michael (@GreatCollapso). It’s as simple as that.

Let’s get started then, shall we?

10. Ever wondered what Suri Cruise thinks of the world of fashion? Err… well… you can find out here. (Thanks to @sianrosanna)

9. The cast & crew of Doctor Who do I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers. We desperately wanted to hate it but… y’know… (Cheers @zoefell)

8. Yes, that’s right folks, it’s another fucking cat video. In this one, a tiny ickle kitten has a nightmare. D’awwwwww. (Sent in by @Tasty_Face)

7. There’s a face… in a TESTICULAR TUMOUR?! (Uncertain thanks to @_Cabble)

6. Sure, Hallowe’en might be long gone but that doesn’t mean we can’t show you Pumpkin Zombies. (A?i?, @abitof)

5. Here’s a proposal for some kittens in an office or something. The internet fucking loves kittens. (via Some Chump)

4. David Thorne of 27b/6 just won’t stop tormenting poor ol’ Simon. It’s just like Ricky Gervais & Karl Pilkington. Only funny. (Sent in by @OrlaDoherty)

3. Are you a nob’ead? You might not be, it’s not really any of our business. Still, watch this video. (Much obliged, @CheShA)

2. Number two will forever be dedicated to Herman Cain until the day he either dies or takes over the world. The mad bastard has warned people to keep an eye on China- they might be developing nuclear weapons. (Danke schoen @thermoso)

1. Without a doubt, the current best thing on the internet is a spoof twitter account for Shippam’s Paste. Mmmmmmm tasty paste. (Tip of the hat to @RebeccaWho)

10. Not content with being a famous actor/musician/turkey-peddler Martin Kemp has taken to inventing emoticons. Is there no end to this man’s talents?!

9. Hallowe’en’s coming so here’s a gentleman teaching you how to TEAR YOUR GOD DAMNED EYE OUT!! Or at least make it look like you did.

8. No internet round up would be complete without something to do with a CAT now, would it?

7. “Let’s fly the kids out to be with their parents in a war zone!” “But that’s a terrible idea!” “It wasn’t me, it was the work experience kid.” Oh…

6. Invented Time Travel: What have you ever done?

5. Sexism’s cool, right? That must be why this story’s on the Newsbeat page.

4. Just what in the name of blue balls is flarf poetry? It hardly matters. Or maybe this interview by Ruth Tolerton with poet Spencer Madsen will explain. MAYBE.

3. It’s almost Hallowe’en so of course you want to go as a… wait… a “sexy” Wolverine? Riggggghhhhht.

2. Herman Cain, nefarious Presidential candidate has a campaign video that’s just bound to go viral. It’s Block Being Block.

1. A whole range of Star Wars ice-cube trays? Well… if you insist.

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10. Want to see Father Christmas crying? Want to see him crying all over Jesus? In a bad painting? Of course you do. – Waa

9. This is puking with style.

8. If you’re not following Sinead O’Connor on twitter already, do so immediately. She’s delightfully uncensored. – Boutche?

7. T-shirts anger people more than actual problems. – See? Also, This.

6. The idiot who used to edit this site is chatting rubbish again in a supposedly proper publication. This time, it’s about Cheryl Cole. – HeritageIsDeadToUs

5. Want to know what the internet looks like? Here’s an infographic to help you digest it in your stupid brains. – Net

4. Alan Partridge is on twitter. For real. -Aha

3. Lifting up cars that are on fire to free someone! – Hero!

2. A pencil case like looks like a dead fish. Brilliant – Blub

1. Japanese rice field art absolutely shits all over crop circles. Fact. – Amazing

10. Look! Bill Murray is such a dude that he uses the Tube! – SuperBill

9. Stuart The Brand Baggs takes on a cage fighter. You can guess who wins.

8. What if The Beatles were Jawas from Star Wars? – FabForce

7. The New Scientist launches a dating site. No, really. -Nerdgasm

6. Man reports that his drugs have been stolen. Can you guess what happens? – Clink

5. Spot the IT guy! It’s pretty easy if you try – GeekSpot

4. Buy someone a toy of a dog. A dog that has a beak and long birdy legs. – Dogs

3. The Amish shop at Wal-Mart too. – Hoss

2. Lots of very silly reviews on Amazon for you to snicker at. – FishPaste

1. Amazing poster alert! - Snowman

10. Ever wanted to see the inside of an HMV from the 60s’? A time when men were men, women were women and most dogs were astronauts. – Voices of East Anglia

9. This video from a while back of a series of wordplay jokes based on The Dark Knight really got our atomic batteries to power this week.

8. Editor Mof has been away for a few days. Before he left, he rented a kangaroo outfit… – Mof Gimmers Steals Undercrackers

7. Everyone loves cute animals, right? Well so do we but only if it’s a window-licking fox. – Short Bus Fox

6. BECAUSE WHERE ELSE CAN WE GO TO FEEL LIKE WE DON’T KNOW ANYTHING?! – Save BBC Four

5. Our very own Kris Silver and the malevolent presence that is Katie Khan have created this – #OfficePartyShame

4. This guy turned down a place on the bedsit sofa – Best. Roommate. Ever.

3. You might be famous but this guy will most definitely swear in your immediate vicinity – I Swear, You’re Famous

2. Ever had trouble telling hipsters and the Amish community apart? No… well… us neither actually – Amish Or Hipster?

1. Feeling a little jumpy? This might be the perfect thing for you. – No, Not Really

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10. Some comedians are spectacularly joyless aren’t they? Here’s a tale of them not laughing at crude phalluses – Cock

9. Vijay Singh does the greatest golf shot ever… ever… EVER! IT TRAVELS ON WATER!

8. This is really rather beautiful. A Japanese girl who can fly. How wonderful – Levitate

7. Elmo goes to NASA! Look! – SesameSpace

6. Do you like the Seventies? Well, some bright spark has set up a Tumblr photoblog dedicated to it. – 70s

5. Ever wondered what Mario would look like as a girl? WONDER NO MORE! – SuperMariette

4. Like grunge, riot grrl and 90s US punk? Editor Mof has made a Spotify playlist just for you! – Grrrr

3. The Daily Mail have been stealing from people. You hate the Daily Mail don’t you? Step this way – Yoink!

2. A shooting star, as seen from above! WHOA! Space is cooool! – Fzzz

1. The Telegraph give tips for students moving to university for the first time, such as ‘pack a trunk for your antiques’. Amazing – NoIdea

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10. Rioting? Pussies. – Purr

9. Sickeningly sweet commercial from WWF

The world is where we live from WWF on Vimeo.

8. Sometime ‘sprayer, Jo Fuertes Knight, talks about the riots. It’s serious with some jokes. – Yoot

7. More looting stuff. This time, someone gets an answer from the man that looks very suspicious indeed. – Holidays

6. Not rioting stuff. Rather, really cool houses. Loads of ‘em! – Wow

5. Again, more stuff relating to riots. This time – and not for the weak hearted – a look at what water cannons can do. Do we really want them? – Blecch

4. A lighter look at the riots… and gawd knows we all need a laugh. – Lootlols

3. More riot related stuff. This time, the Irish Indy decides that single mothers, foreigners and feminists are to blame. Serious. Get your anger on. – Urgh

2. Not riots! Rather, the trailer for the new Boardwalk Empire season. – Watch

1. Even supervillains like looting. Just look at Superman‘s foe! – Cake
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10. Dappy from N Dubz is, astonishingly, the cover star of Total Carp. No. That’s not a typo. This is a magazine about fish and there’s a lovely, lovely shot of the singer holding a massive fish. – Blub

9. Thud.

8. Paul Daniels hospitalised by Sooty launching a pizza at him. This is actual news. – NotALot

7. Students! Sell your kidneys! – Debt

6. Hunter S Thompson writes a lovely, lovely note to someone. Includes threats of physical violence. – Braille

5. Are you one of those people who leaves sarcastic reviews on product websites? You’re in good company – Uhpinions

4. Jon Stewart being funny about The Daily Show getting censored in the UK. Channel 4 won’t be able to show this clip either. – Censor

3. Stella to launch a beer called ‘Wife Beatre‘? – OfCourseNotYouIdiot

2. Lovely photograph of old America… WAIT! WHAT IS THE BLOKE STOOD ON?! – Crivens!

1. Joey Barton‘s recent tweets remind us of something…

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10. MF Doom and Wu Tang’s Ghostface team up for tunes and a tour of the UK?! Yes please! – Supa

9. A really great little animation that does puberty in one minute.

8. Quite simply the most astonishing news story you’ll ever, ever read. – WOW

7. “Action is needed now to prevent nightmarish “Planet Of The Apes” science ever turning from fiction to fact” says actual newspaper with no trace of irony. – Waaargh!

6. Comedians. They’re just not funny are they? – Custard Piety

5. Speaking of custard pies and that whole Murdoch thing, this is The Daily Show tackling the topic (no, it’s a different clip) which Channel 4 don’t seem to be showing us – Watch

4. Accidentally brilliant/troubling ad placement – LookAtThat!

3. Internet bacon versus Real World bacon – Bacon

2. Look. Justin Bieber. And his dad. Together. Semi naked. – Puke

1. Man punches cyclist like a gigantic berk. Gets caught! HURRAY! – Thwack

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10. Stewart Lee has a pop at the Daily Mail regarding Michael McIntyre. He’s very clever dontchaknow? – Words

9. Jetpac balls-up.

8. Get camera. Run away from it. Ace photos. – Click

7. Did you watch the Harry Nilsson documentary last night? Like him but want to hear more? Then Editor Mof made a really cool Spotify playlist – WaaWaaWooWaa

6. Lost your dog? Here’s a peculiar way of identifying him… – Shoshages

5. Picture five on this advert for a converted church is positively unholy! – Dobber

4. Fantastic, but terrifying images of ventriloquists and their dummies – Gottlageer

3. Is this the greatest Simpsons t-shirt ever made? – Marge

2. We want to move to Clockwork City! Because it looks really very stupid indeed! – Crackpot

1. 200 things that the internet has taught us, okay? Don’t worry. It’s a video so you don’t have to read much. – Grace

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10. Owls are stupid. However, their idiocy can make very pretty imprints on windows. There’s a gallery! – TwitTwoo

9. Idiot.

8. Samuel Beckett used to give Andre The Giant lifts in his truck? What? Really? – Amazing

7. A woman is so fat that she finds a kitten inside her. – Maow

6. Amnesty International do funny birthday joke on loads of people. No seriously. It’s a funny, funny video. – Japes

5. A lady cuts off her husband’s dangly bits. Then lobs it down a chute. – Member

4. Morrissey fans searched for meat at gig. Honestly. – MozzaIzzaDick

3. Cool Star Wars trailer thing for computer game whatsit! – Zap

2. Katie Price shows flesh shocker (on twitter) – AmyGrindhouse

1. Smart Debbie Harry interview with those fine folk at The Quietus – FlashIsBack

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10. Jean Claude Van Damme? What? Yep. He’s back. And he’s… *gulp*… funny. – IceCold

9. Vic and Bob are back doing sketches and that!

8. A snake. A snake puking a hippo out of its massive, disgusting mouth. No, seriously. Watch the video. – Boke

7. News International are rightly taking a bit of a pounding at the minute… but in fairness, they don’t make it easy on themselves, even when they’re crowing about how great they are. – UFO

6. Reece Shearsmith of Psychoville and League of Gentlemen fame has started up his own Tumblr, which is just great news. -SilentDancer

5. Margaret is coming back to The Apprentice! – BladdyHell

4. Oh God. Paris Hilton has her tongue down someone’s throat again. – AmyGrindhouse

3. Editor Mof used to run a clubnight. Some of the terrible podcasts he was involved in are being put online like rubbish repeats. – Tuuuune

2. Noel says Liam nearly took his face off with a guitar before the whole Oasis split thing. It’s tough to pick sides, huh? – Maaaaybbeeeeh

1. Brian Sewell attacks Coronation Street for being too gay. – Eh?