A few weeks ago, Editor Mof bombarded you with some of the greatest music from the history of video games. He steered clear of some of the more obvious titles, sometimes favouring good soundtracks over good games.

However, as technology in gaming marches on, leading us down ever more beautifully decorated linear corridors like lambs ripe for the slaughter, we’re led to ask- what are the greatest video game opening sequences? Those opening movies that draw you in like a moth to a flame or Justin Bieber to a fan’s vagina.

With the release of Harry Gregson-Williams’ collaboration with the London Philarmonic Orchestra which even manages to make a reworking of the Angry Birds soundtrack sound utterly epic, we started to think about the best opening “FMVs” that we had ever seen. The ones that really capture the essence of a game without giving too much away. So here’s ten of the best…

Worms

Worms, as well as being one of the most enjoyable multiplayer games ever made (in its 2D form, thank you very much), has always had the very best opening and incidental sequences to boot. Who can forget the Looney Tunes-esque sound effects and the sheer sense of fun of Team 17, the Yorkshire developer with a sense of humour? No-one. That’s not even to mention the soundtrack.

Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2

Live action openers were pretty commonplace in the early 2000s and Command & Conquer have stuck with their formula throughout the life of their games. Whether you’re a fan of Real Time Strategy or the thought of micro-managing units and tactics leaves you wanting to tear out every follicle of hair on your body, you can’t deny that the opening to Red Alert 2 featuring Ray Wise (out of Twin Peaks) and Barry Corbin (from One Tree Hill, you sad bastards) evokes a sense of the sheer scale of the game. Paratroops over the land of the free and the home of the brave? Crack out the rifles, Marjorie. We’re off to war!

Red Alert 2 was critically acclaimed and with good reason. Giant squid.

Half Life

Your mundane life might not be a million miles away from your trudge to work but the five and half minute opening sequence of Dr Gordon Freeman heading to work in the morning is one of the most memorable movies in the history of video gaming. Not once is there any indication of the sheer level of shit that is about befall the Black Mesa facility. What it delivers in spades is the notion of a man having a seriously bad day.

Battlefield 1942

For the FPS fan boys who will sit and argue until the day that time stops over the minute differences in the Call of Duty & Battlefield series’, we have one of the greatest openings to any game. Ever. The evocative music and historically accurate(ish) depictions of the theatres of war were enough to anoint a new generation in the blood and violence of the first person shooter. The sight of a squadron of bombers flying over a sniper’s hide still sends shivers up the spine to this day.

What it lacked in impressive graphics, Battlefield 1942 more than made up for in charm that was almost instantly lost with the release of Battlefield 2 (despite it keeping the soundtrack). Perhaps there’s something more romantic about World War II. Actually, that’s a bit sick.

Starwing

Starwing’s opening is remarkable on two levels. The first being that it is remarkably similar to Star Wars in its direction and also that, in 1993, it was released on for Super Nintendo. A console that wasn’t capable of supporting 3D graphics. That is, except in Starwing. The antics of Fox McCloud and his supporting cast straight out of a drug addict’s version of Wind & the Willows have gone down in Nintendo folklore and it is due in no small part to this opening.

Bioshock

While more of an opening sequence than an opening movie, the introduction to Bioshock perfectly balances tension with an introduction. Not much is given away and it owes much to the afore-mentioned train sequence from Half Life. Everyone knows that something is bound to go horribly wrong but no clue is given as to what awaits.

The first sight of Rapture is one of the most affecting images in recent years of console gaming and will have given many the awestruck sense of “what could possibly go wrong?”. Little did they know they’d be playing one of the most enjoyable, if flawed games of its generation.

Future  Cop – L.A.P.D.

Remember this one? Mech suits were big news back in the Playstation 1 days and Future Cop was one of the first games to really give them their due. This classic opener explains the both the tone of the game while beautifully satirising popular opinion of LA’s finest. Note the moment when the Police mech blows up a car in the middle of telling it to stop.

Appropriate force? Most certainly.

Dead Rising

What’s not to love about Dead Rising except pretty much everything once you’ve got through the opening half hour of gameplay? It doesn’t matter. We never said that these games had to be much cop. What we love at hecklerspray is a good bit of peril and there’s never anything more perilous than a jaunt through zombie-infested countryside with a small child and a gas guzzling station wagon. After all, what’s a zombie game without some utter idiots around to set the scene?

GTA2

“Isn’t that Jack Branning from Eastenders?!” We hear you scream. It certainly bloody is. Before Scott Maslen made his way onto the UK soap scene, he was the archetype of the Grand Theft Auto franchise- Claude Speed. Ever wondered why the main protagonist in GTA III looked like a spiky-haired prick who was built like a farmhouse covered in a tarpaulin? Scott Maslen is the reason- that’s what he looks like.

This sequence, while being choppy and confused, gives you an excellent idea of what GTA is all about. Running, gunning, driving, dealing drugs and changing the colour of your BMW. The only drawback of course is that GTA2 was set in a ‘near future’ Liberty City where a BMW 5-Series might have been considered a tad out of place. Not to worry though, it was the 90s’. No-one cared.

If you enjoyed that, there’s a short film version where Scott Maslen gets chased by rednecks and steals a van. Super!

Oddworld: Abe’s Odyssey

One of the strangest games of the Playstation generation was, without a shadow of a doubt, Oddworld where the player took on the role of Abe and had to guide him through one of Charlie Sheen’s trips, saving the enslaved populace of a meat processing plant as he went. The title was appropriate because this game was fucking odd. Still, it had a lot of charm and a really noir little intro sequence.

Abe’s adventure was one of the most enduring Playstation platformers due in no small part to the utterly sympathetic characters and often infuriating gameplay but unfortunately, it never successfully made the jump to later generations of consoles.

So what have we missed? Let us know in the comments, you sick puppies.

The word retro is often misused. People tend to mean ‘old’, rather than something new, that looks vintage. That’s what retro is. Anyway, we got thinking about retro things and, in particular, cartoons.

That’s because cartoons are the best thing ever, ever, EVER.

Of course, there was a golden age of cartoons with Bugs Bunny, Tom & Jenny, Roadrunner et all, providing us with snappy jokes, immediate punchlines and amazing, hair-raising action! But cartoons didn’t stop being good. In fact, in recent years, some ‘toons have tried to recreate that vintage animation spectacle, capturing the spirit of getting hit in the face with a pan, or better yet, a complete and utter disregard for being remotely realistic. In short, let’s look at the best retro cartoons!

Naturally, being retro cartoons, they have to be pretty modern, yet hark back to a different age. It goes without saying that all cartoons owe something to The Flintstones or Elmer Fudd, but we’re interested in those that explicitly lean on the great cartoons of yesteryear.

Sometimes it’s in the spirit of the show, sometimes you’ll find it in the drawings themselves.

What got us thinking about old ‘toons was Müller’s wünderful stuff campaign that brings back Muttley, The Mr Men and Yogi Bear. We loved all those shows. If you haven’t seen the commercial yet (seriously? It’s everywhere!), have a look at it now.

Anyway, onto our favourite cartoons, all that definitely a vibe of the past about them. You’re advised to disagree with us and spout off in the comments.

Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends

Johnny Bravo

Ren & Stimpy

Dexter’s Lab

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Adventure Time

Power Puff Girls

Fairly OddParents

The Regular Show

Samurai Jack

This post was sponsored by Muller, which is nice of them, eh?

THIS WEEK! ITS TIME! TO SING! SONGS FROM MOVIES! And probably not do a very good job at them. It’s ‘Movie Week’ everybody. That’s song from films that have been released in the old cinema.

Past year’s have had some truly terrifying performances, like Olly Murs waggling his penis to ‘Twist And Shout,’ Joe McElderry being generally closeted singing ‘Circle of Life’ and the Dreadward doing ‘Ghostbusters.’

There was also the dichotomy of awful and brilliance (and the resurgence of Louis Walsh’ famed Rulebook) when Jamie Afro (the awful) sang ‘Crying’ by Roy Orbison from the brilliantly nihilistic film Gummo. Needless to say Louis had no idea what Gummo was and almost lost his Lucky Charms over it, but what was stranger was Simon Cowell did know what it was. Perhaps he tried to buy the rights to remake the film with Eoghan Quigg as Bunny Boy. Or perhaps he knew that the most diverse film Louis Walsh has seen was ‘Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert,’ and wanted to really blow sand up his vagina.

This week’s show, if the rumours are true, is set to be another blandfest, with songs that everyone knows from films, like ‘Purple Rain’ or ‘Stand By Me’ being wheeled out to the delight of people who don’t understand the true beauty of the movie theme.

Well we’ll look after you, avid hecklersprayers.

Get your flask of Bovril, your Viscount biscuit and we’ll take you on a magical trip through what songs the contestants should be singing if the people playing the X Factor strings had any cojones

Janet Devlin – Kiss From A Rose

Janet is the dullest contestant in this competition; she’s the blandest dullard since beige pissed off the rest of the rainbow and set out on his journey to be the worst of all colours. Even black doesn’t get as much guff as much as beige does. And black has the worst body odour since Russell Grant went onto Strictly. Stand next to black while you’re waiting for a bus and you’ll think you’ve been eating some good cheese or bad fish. Or Pixie Lott.

There’s not much that Janet can do about it, even being edited to be bolshy and uppity isn’t doing the desired effect. All that’s going to happen is that when she leaves the competition, no one will want to touch Ellie Goulding Lite because she has such a bad attitude to things that she doesn’t like, so why not try what we suggest and give her an ultra-dramatic song that sounds like the one that she likes to sing?

Which is why we picked Seal’s Kiss From A Rose. It’s not the most taxing of songs to sing, admittedly, but when it comes to Janet Devlin, everyone is more concerned with how Irish she looks. She’s like the most Irish woman. Even Gerry Adams, a man who lives in a perpetual state of Movember, would think that she was taking it too far.

Everyone likes Kiss From A Rose, just like everyone likes Seal, despite his face. It won’t save her from being kicked off, but we might as well make the very most of her before she leaves the show and resigns herself from falling out of China White with her mosquito bites on show.

Misha B – Coconut

Coconut by Harry Nilsson is a genius song. It’s equally great parts of reggae Island swing and a song about medical procedure. Which you just don’t get enough of. Imagine if the staff of Casualty released a song about how shit the NHS was. It would be 100% fantastic. Of course it would end with Charlie getting off with that bird with the big hair and Jude getting stabbed by a smack addict.

The problem with Misha B is that everyone is getting bogged down by the claims of bullying slung at her like a monkey slings poop. Does anyone really, REALLY care whether she’s a bully and that she said that one from Little Mix looked like the lovechild of Sloth and Quasimodo, using a frog as a surrogate?

Of course we don’t. It’s not going to affect our lives one little quark is it. In fact, it just gives us a chance to get outraged at something we can do something about. Y’know what that’s called people? Pointless. If you want to change the World, why not stop showering and wiping yourself after a number two. Eventually, because humans are essentially cowards, people will stop talking to you.

This probably won’t happen to Misha B, but she does take everything so seriously. To such an extent that when she talks now, post-performance, or gaping into Olly Murs’ bulging crotch on ITV2, she talks like an excitable puppy on it’s first Christmas, after just regaining it’s sight, and getting a crafty BJ. Don’t think that she hasn’t been told to do this. Of course she has. It’s like when Rachel Adedeji mimicked the nonsensical neighings of Stacey Solomon the brief time that she wasn’t in the Bottom Two. Reeks of insincerity and weirdy icky-woos.

So what Misha needs to do is do something so unbelievably stupid and happy that it blows every sad thing into the World’s orbit, leaving behind sunshine, rainbows and Gregg’s pain au chocolat.

‘Coconut’ would do this. Add a dubstep-lite beat if you want, and even add a rap about the toil of a nurse’s working day. But as long as she keeps the bare bones of the song intact, it would change the World of X Factor as we know it.

Craig Colton – Wise Up

Not very many people know of Aimee Mann, and those who do are maudlin weirdos. Although she may be an accomplished singer/songwriter, she has yet to write a song that wouldn’t want to make you take a long bath with a razor blade. It’s very depressing songs about lost loves and wasted opportunities.

Which is just what the male version of Adele is making a niche of. And when we say the ‘male version of Adele’ we mean all the savage obesity as well. He’s so fat that somewhere Donatella Versace is having an eppy. Although how you would know is beyond me, she already talks with a slur with a half drooped face. Someone should probably alert Queen of Strokes Su Johnston to see if Donatella is alright. Go on. We’ll wait.

Everything alright? Fantastic.

With his cheeky quiff and the way he sings out the side of his mouth, like Dot Cotton with a fag hanging out of her scabby anus of a mouth, Craig is irritatingly talented. It seems like he can sing any Adele song almost as good as the chain smoking eclair maven. What a talent! Gary Barlow must have a right wide-on thinking that he can give Craig any song sung by a woman and get accolades thrown far and wide about how they have put their own spin on the song, even though you could go to LITERALLY any gay club and find some man singing a song by a woman. It’s not that big a deal. REALLY.

Wise Up is a depressing missive that Craig can snarl out on a Saturday and people will coo ‘Isn’t he sensitive?’ between mouthfuls of Domino’s Pizza. Job done Barlow, you can thank us in your Knighthood speech.

Marcus Collins – Loco In Acapulco

Marcus Collins is fast becoming one of the most consistent performers on this series of the X Factor, with his full toothed grin and his trademark catchphrase of “I’m having fun” bringing out those homoerotic feelings in straight, not-so straight men and Louis Walsh alike.

Of late, Marcus has been told to sing songs with a rock and roll type production, with fancy dance moves and trousers that maybe are a little too tight for someone who wants to move around and not look like he’s got a constant erective presence. I mean, what would OFCOM say if they realised his Dondelinger was practically on show. Well, we’ll probably find out a few weeks after everyone gets their boxer shorts knotted in impotent rage.

So it would be a shame for him to put away his penis and Buddy Holly-esque tendencies just yet. So instead of going all Bruno Mars-lite on us another week, we suggest that Barlow brings the whole production forward a decade and emulate the Soul Train era of Motown.

Tighter trousers, brighter teeth, take everything to extremes. Lets blind Katie Price with Marcus’ teeth Gary. Let’s blind the bitch. Let’s do to her what she’s done to teenage boys for years.

Amelia Lily – Beauty School Dropout

To be quite honest, we can give or take Amelia Lily at this stage in the competition. Her addition at this point seems a bit rapey, in that it’s forced and not what everyone wanted. Her booming vocals might be just what the producers are after but have you seen the clip of her? The candy floss hair and enough makeup to blot out the Sun just scream college education, and this isn’t what anyone likes to see when watching X Factor. We want good looking people who might or not be able to sing. They might be batshit mental like Kitty, or unnervingly charming like Johnny, but as long as they look good then we’re not bothered.

It’s generally give and take in the hecklerspray hovel. If there’s no masturbatory undertones then you probably won’t win our X Factor. And there’s no wanking material with Amelia Lily. Do you know why? Because she’s sixteen and already been fingered by professional coke monster Frankie Cocozza. That’s not nice at all. It does give anyone the belief that anyone could have a gan on her; she’s clearly not fussy.

Having Amelia sing ‘Beauty School Dropout’ from Grease is a fantastic idea for all because it’s a bit tongue in cheek. She looks enough of a mess to authentically be a beauty school dropout and has Frenchie’s hair as well, so this would be the most aesthetically hilarious.

Little Mix – Hip To Be Square

hecklerspray disclaimer: If you think that saying nasty things about Jesy Little Mix is one of the World’s worst things, then you probably shouldn’t read this. Consider this a warning.

Listen to a joke we all know: What’s green and smells of pork? Jesy’s mam and dad. That’s right everybody. We’re going in for the kill here. If someone has actively gone out of their way to attempt to make us feel sorry for someone who thinks its acceptable to dress in such a ridiculous manner, then they deserve everything that we say about them, Sir.

Without a shadow of a doubt, Little Mix are probably going to win this year’s X Factor. The combination of public pity because one of their member looks like someone over inflated a rugby ball and somewhat catchy interpretations of songs will carry them through to the final at least, where Jesy will probably crack under the pressure of having to march on a box AND sing a song everyone knows, making her head will pop like what happens in that Total Recall.

Sounds great doesn’t it?

Even though her face will be blown into numerous squidgy pieces, she will still be able to look at her bandmates with the fervent excitement of a toddler who’s just pumped for the first time*.

To get Little Mix some sort of credence before they shuffle off into some Cher Lloyd-esque nightmare, we think they should sing ‘Hip To Be Square’ by one of the best things about Back To The Future, Huey Lewis and The News, but not just any version. We want to see a version that is either a) a military marching band a la Gwen Stefani during the most successful part of her career, b) a plinky plonky sounding homage to The Cure with someone looking like Robert Smith or c) an acoustic version to show us how well they can actually sing.

In reality, we would probably get a version that Rizzle Kicks could pass off on their difficult second album, with rhythmic marching on perspex boxes and ill fitting trousers on. But they’re just like every other girl in Britain so that’s alright.

Except that most other girls in Britain are screaming harridans who threaten to make their boyfriend’s lives Hell in the local branch of Peacocks because they haven’t paid up some money they were promised. That’s what men have to look forward to now.

And that’s that. Do you agree or disagree? Tell us below. You know it makes sense. If you don’t, we’ll send Jesy round and she’ll just peer in your window at night; looking, planning. Touching herself.

* Remember how great life was back then?

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Whether you like it or not, the vast majority of the world is made up of people who play video games in one way or another. Yet bafflingly, they’re still seen as a lesser cousin to the pop culture’s big three of music, movies and TV.

This surely has to stop?

Anyway, with a lovely orchestral score of the Zelda theme doing the rounds at the moment, we thought we’d have a look at the best music that has featured on video games. There’s a dazzling amount to choose from… so which have we gone for? Over the jump to listen and disagree.

Thanks to the small matter of the fact that there are around 230gazillion games in existence, we couldn’t even get close to remembering all of our favourite themes and pieces of incidental music.

And so, here’s a snapshot of what we can recall, the things suggested to us on twitter and blah blah.

We’ve tried to avoid games that had soundtracks licensed from proper bands, such as the FIFA franchise and the Grand Theft Auto games… but some may have sneaked in, but we’ll explain why later.

And so, here’s our list of the greatest pieces of music committed to video games. Feel free to submit your own in the comments or, if you prefer, throw all your ire at us because we didn’t include your favourite piece of music from Fantasy World Dizzy or Pitfighter.

>insert coin<

ZELDA

Zelda’s theme(s) are insanely iconic for gamers out there and here’s a rather lovely orchestrated version of it to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the game. If you prefer the original, then click here.

TOEJAM & EARL

While Toejam & Earl may be one of the oddest games to hit paydirt, it certainly had one of the funkiest soundtracks EVER. There was something of George Clinton about the skittery swing-funk that soundtracked the game. Here’s just one of many ace pieces of music you’d find.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

We’ve included the irritatingly catch Spring Yard Zone from the first Sonic game here, but to be honest, we could’ve included more than a dozen pieces of music from the franchise. Instead of doing that, we’ll direct you to the fine notion that Michael Jackson wrote the music for Sonic 3. More on that here.

OUT RUN

Surely everyone on Earth loves the arcade music from Out Run?

RED DEAD REDEMPTION

Despite being one of the most overrated games in history, there’s no denying that the moment you make it to Mexico, and Jose Gonzalez’s ‘So Far Away’ hits you, it’s a rather special moment in the annals of gaming. Yep, it’s a proper artist licensed to a game, but we just couldn’t avoid including it.

MONKEY ISLAND

There is ALWAYS time for a little cod-reggae in video games. ALWAYS.

STREETS OF RAGE 2

Excellent synth rave accompanied one of the best beat ‘em ups ever programmed. We liked being Eddie ‘Skate’ Hunter best. Yuzo Koshiro programmed the music to this, and we ought to thank him by beating up punks with yellow jackets on by lobbing barrels at their heads.

PORTAL

Jonathan Coulton’s ‘Still Alive’ is one of the finest, oddest pieces of video game music ever, largely because it is performed by the malicious A.I. which messses with your head throughout the playing of Portal. After escaping from the labs, an ASCII-based credits screen runs as the computer croons the lyrics at you. Unsettling, catchier than mumps and downright hilarious.

FINAL FANTASY

You can’t really have a gaming soundtrack without including Final Fantasy legend Nobutsuo Uematsu. Here’s a tear jerker for you.

SUPER MARIO

C’mon. This was always going to make an appearance.

TETRIS

Is Tetris (theme A) the catchiest piece of gaming music ever?

ROAD RASH

Road Rash had insanely irritating music if you got to the latter stages of the game, just by virtue of the fact that the tracks were so fiendishly long. However, before they grated your ears off, they were really brilliant. Abrasive shitkicking 8bit rock never sounded so fine.

BLOOD MONEY

A new one on hecklerspray and offered by Mark Webster, unbelievably, this piece of music is from 1989. Just imagine jaws hitting the floor as that rolled out back then.

KATAMARI DAMACY

Katamari Damacy is one of the strangest games to ever see release. Remember it? It’s that one where you roll a sticky ball around various 3D environments, collecting everything it rolls over, increasing in size as it does. The soundtrack was pretty great too, with J Pop, samba and… well… this absolute corker.

WIZBALL

Wizball almost has a prog quality to it… you can almost imagine a thunderous rock track following it.

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When we make lists, they’re usually pretty easy to do. You just take your own opinion of something, prioritise it and throw it in an article without giving the consequences much thought. As such, we still have people arguing the toss (pun intended) over our ‘Top’ Sci-Fi babes & newscasters.

Of course, some lists aren’t that easy to come up with and require rigorously observed criteria in order to make them acceptable for the delicate eyes of our readers.

Our quest was long and arduous but we got there in the end.

Hallowe’en costumes are the sort of thing that you really want to get right. Imagine you’re at a party dressed as a comedy dog turd and that girl/guy that you’ve fancied for ages shows up. The last thing you want is to- quite literally- look like a canine has just expelled you from its rectum.

That’s where the costume makers come in, these kings of convenience will sell you a costume to suit your every whim and fancy, and all for a reasonably small fee.

That’s the criteria of this list- to make it, the costume has to be an all-in-one that you can buy from the internet. None of this “oh, look at the terrible craftsmanship in that gentleman’s homemade ghost costume” tripe here. We’ve also included the links, should you need to pick up some last minute Hallowe’en garb.

Our gratitude to the people of the good ship Twitter for helping us compile this list.

10. Zombie Cowboy

Okay, so they’re not all sexy.

We’ll concede the fact that this is far from the worst costume of the bunch but the mask really lets it down. “Oh, you’ve come as a zombie Charles Manson? You know he didn’t use guns and just convinced people to do his killing for him?” Perhaps the most disturbing element of the costume is the fact that the mask looks one of Jim Henson’s Imagineers turned Manson into a muppet. Chilling.

Highlight: The wee plastic rifle. Not included.

Want it? You can get it here.

9. The Kinky Krayon

The trend for attending Hallowe’en shindigs dressed as a child’s drawing implement is long established but what if you want to go as a wax rod and maintain your femininity? Well, this naughty crayon might be for you. Just don’t put up with any phallic innuendo.

Highlight: This seems to be endorsed by Crayola.

Want it? Get it here.

8. Inflatable Jabba The Hutt

Star Wars fans are always arguing about the minutiae of their favourite film series but, in the first of our Star Wars entries, why not do it dressed like an inflatable, post-stroke Vanessa Feltz? It’s difficult not to suggest that this costume looks like a mutilated penis so… err… this costume looks like a mutilated penis!

Highlight: Its almost looks like he’s winking at you.

Want it? Why wouldn’t you? Get your grubby paws on it here.

7. ‘Why Helllllloow’ Kitty

hecklerspray are by no means moral crusaders. In fact, the less clothes we can put on something, the better. However, this might just take the global obsession with the glorified Nyan Cat, Hello Kitty, a little bit too far. Also, it doesn’t seem to sit very well around the crotch…

Highlight: It barely covers your arse which is exactly what you want from a beloved children’s character.

Want it? You’re a sick puppy.

6. Don’t Cross the Streams

I ain’t afraid of no hot-pants! Seriously though, this one is just wholly impractical. The Ghostbusters wear boiler suits for a reason- to keep the ectoplasm off their skin. With this costume, you could end up with ectoplasm splattered all over your ch- oh… gotcha.

Highlight: A jaunty cap which really sets the whole thing off.

Want it? Buy it with your hard-earned pennies here.

5. Sexually Inappropriate iPhone

In fairness, if this costume was actually called “sexually inappropriate iPhone” then it might be funny but as it is they’ve picked a man who looks enough like a rapist to make this abortion of a costume worthwhile. You’ll notice that some of the buttons are, instead of apps, sexually suggestive comments. We assume that they’re there so that ladies can swan up and touch the one that they want to do with him or at least use them to target their punches.

Highlight: The “turn me on” button that probably doubles as a makeshift glory hole.

Want it? You can buy it on Amazon. Yeah, Amazon.

4. Mind the Gap!

Yes, that’s right folks. In at number 4, it’s everyone’s favourite walking fuzzball given a 21st century update by costume makers so that women can feel sexy while dressed up like a strategically shaved sasquatch. What’s in the pouch? A Wookiee never reveals its secrets.

Or is that a magician?

Highlight: The fur-lined Wookiee pants which will have Star Wars fans from here to Mos Eisley drooling into their inflatable Jabba the Hutt costumes.

Want it? Really? (If that’s not enough, you might enjoy the PVC Darth Vader & Stormtrooper in one of the pictures)

Let it go down in lore that the following costumes are the worst costumes that we have ever seen on sale. In all honesty, they’re probably about equal but we’ve scored them based on how much they ruined much-loved franchises.

3. Cool But Rude?

Let’s remember that classic theme song for a moment. “Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but rude, Michaelangelo is a party dude.” This costume combines all of those elements for those looking to lead people to the bedroom, use a vibrator on them, never call them again and then go to another party to repeat the process. What have you come as? The corruption of childhood memories. Oh, wonderful.

Highlight: PVC boots designed to really accentuate the message of the outfit.

Want it? Of course you do, you kinky thing.

2. Optimus Primed & Ready For Action

It has long been a trucker’s dream that the rig would magically transform into a beautiful woman but it’s so unclear what this costume is actually supposed to be that it would leave even the most ardent truck-fan flaccid. Still, at least it’s not a Michael Bay transformer or you’d be able to see right through her and into the vacuous pit of money where Bay himself lies, mocking everyone that grew up in the 80s & 90s.

Highlight: The two diddy little wheels attached to the shoulders. It’s supposed to make it clearer.

Want it? If you must…

1. Dead or Alive, You’re Coming With Us

What’s that? You didn’t think it could get worse than Optimus Prime? Well, ladies & gentlemen, your number one is the sexy Robocop. Part french maid, part law enforcement cyborg, this costume will set you back about $70 (in that American money) and will ensure that no-one speaks to you all night. Although, for only $30 extra you can get a holster implanted into your leg by a South American doctor in a grubby operating room. Excellent value.

Highlight: Worried that people might mistake the costume for a “tarty Geordi LaForge” the makers of the costume added in a neck band which clearly states who the person is supposed to be. Gets rid of the awkward “what have you come as?” questions. “Oh, you’ve come as an idiot.”

Want it? You’re the worst kind of scum.

So there you have it folks, there’s some real doozies in there but we know that you’ll be all fixed up and will end the evening with your pants around your ankles, vomitting into a Jack o’ Lantern and isn’t that what Hallowe’en’s all about?

Yes, yes it is.

Apple geeks around the world were united in grief last week when Apple announced that Steve Jobs had suffered a fatal 404 error and couldn’t be restarted. Whilst a replacement for Steve Jobs had already been secured so Apple can dominate the market with sleek and flashy products that’ll require a replacement six months later, we don’t care about that.

It’s all about tie-in movie deals that are coming soon thanks to Sony snapping up the rights.

Total Film published a list of actors who they thought could play the billionaire tech lord throughout his reign at the helm of Appple. After Justin Timberlake successfully played Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and won countless awards due to his uncanny resemblance to everyone’s favorite social network poster boy, we figured we’d think about those who should really play Jobsy.

A biopic of Steve Jobs is screaming out for high profile actors to play him in multiple life stages. But surely they’d all be busy on other projects and unable to make the movie set. Bearing that in mind, these are the people we’d cast, surely securing us an Oscar.

Michael Stipe

Some word argue that Michael Stipe made a career out of penning feelgood indie hit with Muppets. But in actual fact, he resembles a decaying onion who panics when the sun shines for too long and when a gust a wind threatens to blow off a layer of his skin. This is the real reason why REM broke up. Basically, they look EXACTLY THE SAME.

Michael Jackson

Following a semi-successful music career, coming second to his sibling Latoya, Michael took a turn for the worst following the day Pepsi set him on fire. If there’s a bigger reason not to get hooked on drugs, the image of a once proud man was reverted to that of someone who needed his nose stapled to his face on a daily basis. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Mr Burns

Steve Jobs came over as a kind and caring boss who’d personally hug all his employees when they clocked off at the shift. But behind closed doors, we imagine he’d threaten to kill staff members partners if they didn’t churn out the blueprints for a brand new iToaster that contained 400GB of memory and was so small that you could only fit specially baked Apple bread inside. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. (Also, Jobs could come back as iMogul in the same way Burnsy became a cyborg looking for Bo Bo).

C3PO

Perhaps one for the biopic’s closing credits as we take a look in to what the future of Steve Jobs had in store. Due to Apple physically being unable to make a thinner or faster product, Jobs took it upon himself to become the first iHuman. Proving he can wear more than a black turtle-neck jumper and dodgy jeans, it’s time for Jobs to camp it up with a space age gold suit equipped with gadgets we can’t comprehend. He’s just trying to seduce R2D2 who looks like an Apple product anyway. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Danny Dyer

When not talking about cutting up ex-girlfriends faces in magazines or meeting the world’s deadliest men, he’ll take any film work going. Usually, playing a comedy gangster, it seems about time for Danny to take on a serious role. Essentially, our cockney friend can’t lose as he’ll crack the American market and gain future roles in films such as American Pie 743: Urgh Is That What It Really Looks Like? BASICALLY, THEY…ER, NEVER MIND.

Jet Li

Watching Steve Jobs slowly wilt away was an awful thing to witness. Especially when he could have gone to the App store and downloaded a guide on combating fatal illnesses. In the film’s flashback scene which sees Jobs fully functioning, people deserve to see a man who could dispose of a gang of Microsoft ninjas who’d attempt to invade the Apple offices and steal secrets about product that make the average Apple customer even smugger. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Mr Moneybags

Penetrated the African market? Excellent, go collect a trillion dollars of pure profit from vastly overpriced products that do the same as every other computer on the market. But because Apple release white and shiny items, consumers become part of a strange cult who whoop and cheer whenever a new software download comes out. Steve Jobs must have spent time masturbating over piles of cash in his office. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Morgan Freeman

Steve Jobs was considered cool, a rarity really as anyone who works with computers and technology is deemed to be a friendless nerd who gets aroused by a sexy line of binary code. It’s fact that Morgan Freeman is the ultimate image of cool and everyone wants to be him. He’d get the narration job on this movie without having to turn up to auditions. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

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With the news that Adele (her again!) is like, totes, going to write and release the theme for the new Bond film, us handsome devils at hecklerspray are going to take a look at the Top Ten Bond themes.

So get comfy, pour yourself a drink and get ready to agree with every single one of our choices.

Right?

DAA DAA!

(BOOM!)

DAA DAA!

(BOOM!)

DA DA D’DAA DAAAA!

*ahem*

Here’s our Top Ten Bond Themes.

The Man With The Golden Gun

Before getting her fanny out on Strictly 2011, Lulu thought it would be fun to have a pop career that sort of spanned four decades (mainly because there was a gap between 1969 and 1993 that she filled with awful, awful songs) which piqued when she was chosen to sing the theme to ‘The Man With The Golden Gun’ in 1974. Nothing happened for 19 years, and then she released ‘Relight My Fire’ with Take That. It’s a shame when good things happen to bad people.

The Living Daylights

If you sing ‘WOOOAAAHH THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS!’ at the top of your lungs you get the best feeling. Better than probably any drugs that Michael Jackson took.

The World Is Not Enough

Up until the mid-90s, most of the Bond themes had been sung by individual artists who had a modicum of talent (Sheryl Crow, you can probably go and get a glass of milk or something, we’re not talking about you), so when Garbage, the famous 90s alternative band, were announced people were excited.

Unfortunately, the song wasn’t very good, despite the video being about Shirley Manson being a suicide android fitted with a bomb. But the song being bad doesn’t necessarily mean that the overall finished product was awful. With a change in Bond, came a change in musical attitude with it. An edgier “rockier” vibe fought off the camp twinge that the themes seemed to have fostered. Obviously the film was still the campest thing since Johnny Robinson ate a unicorn and farted glitter, but for the first time, it became exciting to see what a Bond theme was going to be.

Diamonds Are Forever

Although Diamonds Are Forever is Bassey’s second Bond theme (and the first one our list) her vaulting vocals and a sinister undertone gave this Bond theme an opulent edge that would keep this theme as one of the most famous ones. Even Kanye West wanted a piece on his Diamonds From Sierra Leone, and we all know that Kanye West doesn’t make ANY bad decisions ever.

Goldeneye

In the 90s, the World was forgetting James Bond because he wasn’t involved in a combat pant wearing girlband or had curtains, so Albert Broccoli needed everyone to realise what an absurd name he had and decided to release a film so terrible that a character Xenia Onatopp wasn’t the worst thing about it. That film was Goldeneye, obviously. Can you see Xenia Onatopp being in the Lion King? But regardless of how ball-clenchingly awful Goldeneye is, the title song is all sorts of fantastic.

Sung by Tina ‘Whats Love Scot To Do, Scot To Do With It’ Turner, but written by Bono and The Edge from that U2, it went on to become one of Turner’s biggest hits. Unfortunately someone decided that getting Nicole Sherzinger to record a version of it for the 2010 re-release of Goldeneye for the Wii was a good idea. There’s literally nothing that that woman won’t ruin. First Goldeneye, then Cheryl Cole’s career.

Goldfinger

‘Goldfinger’ is generally seen as one of the quintessentially Bond-esque themes from the series, with Shirley Bassey’s soaring vocals reminding people that there really is a career for men to dress up as women and sing show tunes. Didn’t do Paloma Faith any harm. This is the song that people sing with an accent more than any other (disregarding Shaggy OBV).

A View To A Kill

Simon Le Bon. The Eiffel Tower. Grace Jones. Hot.

For Your Eyes Only

Sheena Easton was pretty big news in the 80s. Her broad Glaswegian accent kept people confused while she flooded the charts with songs about morning trains (not a euphemism for a morning erection) before releasing a song so filthy that it would make Christina Aguilera blush before thumbing herself off in the car park of a Best Buy somewhere. Obviously after singing about your vagina the only way to go next is singing with pint-sized pop penis Prince.

A vagine warbling ballad isn’t what the Bond people were after, so they got her to sing a song that was, although immense, has no oblique reference to vaginas or anything vaginal. Although if you listened to it thinking of vagines, it does take on a more twisted, and sexier edge.

“You can see so much in me, so much in me that’s new. I never felt til I looked at you.” the filthy bitch sings.

We Have All The Time In The World

Although this Louis Armstrong song may be more iconic from other places, it’s the setting that makes it memorable. Taken from ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, played over the closing scenes after Bond’s wife’s murder at the hands of pussy lover Blofeld, it resonates the tragedy that although Bond may be one of the most powerful characters in fiction, he will always have danger surrounding his family. That and regular STD checks.

You Only Live Twice

The most iconic, and covered Bond themes (but we can’t hold Robbie Williams against it, Cee Lo Green we can), You Only Live Twice is the Bond theme that most people will hum if they were asked. Swirling violins and romantic horns remind everyone of lying almost comatose on a hungover filled Bank Holiday and wanting the pain in your head to stop.

The angelic vocals from Nancy Sinatra compliment the song to such an massive degree that we can’t say anything bad about. We’ll just leave you to listen to it and compose ourselves in the corner.

Are we crying? Of course not.

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Americans just can’t seem to get enough British TV at the moment. Sherlock, Life on Mars, Antiques Roadshow, Outnumbered, Footballers’ Wives, Celebrity Fit Club, Richard Blackwood’s Renaissance Showdown – they’ll remake practically anything it seems, even British programmes that they’ve already remade.

First Britain created Pop Idol. Then America snapped it up. Then Britain created The X Factor (essentially the same show as Pop Idol – but with red). Now America has their very own X Factor (American Idol – but with red).

The Yanks love bad British TV so much that they’ve even snapped up Jeremy Kyle to present exactly the same show as the one that he presents here – but in the US! He might have lost the intense neon blue lighting that made his programme seem like it was being presented from within an ultraviolet fly killer and gained a really small washed-out picture of the New York skyline, but essentially it’s the same – the same types of people, the same completely-unqualified-to-comment-on-anything advice being dished out, etc. Oh, how things were different way back when.

Once there was a time when the boot was on the other foot.

British TV used to be full of trashy American rip-offs and remakes. We’d help ourselves to anything.

“Card-based game show?” a TV executive might have said during this time. “Sure, we’ll take that, attach a minor British celebrity host and put their name in title, as if the card-based game show was actually their brainchild.”

Gone are those golden days of television, but as a reminder, for no reason whatsoever, here ten British programmes that have been heavily inspired by American television.

Feel free to add your own in the comments or generally hurl abuse at us.

Strange But True? (Unsolved Mysteries)

Strange But True? was a ‘90s documentary series that explored supernatural phenomena. It was essentially just a British version of the popular American series Unsolved Mysteries, but whereas Unsolved Mysteries was, at times, genuinely quite creepy, Strange But True? mostly consisted of Michael Aspel sporting a polo neck and speculating on the UFO activity of small Yorkshire villages.

In the first episode of Strange But True? Michael attempts to get to the bottom of a jaw-dropping mystery in which a dead body has been discovered on top of a pile of coal. “If there was no disturbance to the coal,” asks an interviewed policeman, who’s worryingly in charge of the case, “then how’d he get up there?”

So, yeah, coal disturbance. Coal disturbance is the best mystery this country could produce. Unfortunately, Strange But True? the mood and atmosphere or the show isn’t helped by its jolly little musical sting either. Rather than sounding eerie or unusual in anyway, it sounds as if it’s been lifted from a particularly awful ITV family drama.
There’s also just something about that title as well – Strange But True? Why is there a question mark at the end? And what does that mean? What is that short for?

“How very strange…but true, I wonder?”

Brighton Belles (The Golden Girls)

Brighton Belles was Britain’s long awaited, completely 100% necessary answer to US sitcom The Golden Girls. But whereas the title “The Golden Girls” had a warm, slightly cornball sound to it, Brighton Belles sounded like the kind of series you’d expect to find sandwiched between a couple of X-rated UK dogging DVDs in the scum section of CEX. This, coupled with the fact that it was awful, is probably why there’s very little mention of its existence online.

Only 6 episodes of the series aired during the Brighton Belles’ original run, with the final four episodes airing over a year later.

Fun House (Fun House)

It’s hard to imagine wacky, ‘90s game show Fun House without the programme’s beloved host Pat Sharp, unashamedly parading around a brightly coloured studio with his trademark lame jokes, good looks and well-cultivated mullet. Essentially, the games were always simply filler next to Pat’s segments. Each week he’d burst into the studio, often with the aid of a vehicle, wearing something like a turquoise tracksuit with the word “SASSY” written on it, before performing some of his latest material and introducing his two seductive co-hosts, Melanie and Martina (who we’ve interviewed no less).

But despite its lack of Pat the original Fun House isn’t all that bad. Hosted by all-American dreamboat J.D. Roth, who unfortunately takes a much less ridiculous approach than Pat, contestants, much like in the UK version, use their bodies and their brains as they compete to try and win the game. It’s wacky, fun, crazy, it’s outrageous; it’s still Fun House essentially.

The X Factor (The O’Reilly Factor)

Sure, one’s a really awful political show and the other’s a really awful TV talent contest, but the influence is there.
The X Factor was one of the first of a whole wave of programmes to adopt Bill O’Reilly’s notion that televised bullying is not only acceptable, but also completely justified, advocating it with ridiculously hammy editing techniques and reaction shots to remind confused viewers what they should be thinking. Both shows have become inexplicably popular over the years, mostly due to the fact that they contain non-stop caterwauling, shouting and impressive sounding swoosh noises.

But to be fair, these two shows do have their fair share of differences as well. Having the “X Factor” obviously refers to that indescribable quality, that certain something, that makes a mediocre pop singer seem marginally more talented than other mediocre pop singers. Whereas having “The O’Reilly Factor” quite clearly refers to that indescribable quality that makes somebody an obnoxious, unprofessional bigot who resorts to raising his voice at the drop of a hat.
Incidentally, The O’Reilly Factor has also provided the inspiration for Richard Littlejohn’s Batshit Insane Lunatic Hour, which currently airs every Wednesday at 7pm on Sky News.

Dale’s Supermarket Sweep (Supermarket Sweep)

The fundamental flaw with both of these shows lies with the fact supermarkets are actually quite depressing places. Admittedly, in the British version, Dale Winton’s trademark euphemisms and unapologetically orange charm help make the programme seem marginally less sad, but essentially it still feels like watching drunks in Tesco manically pack their trollies full of cider and peanuts.

The American version isn’t much better. The studio audience is a mixed blessing; on the one hand, it makes the show feel less like it’s being shot at 3am in an abandoned warehouse, but on the other, it makes the show seem like a 30 minute infomercial that’s forgot what its supposed to be advertising.

Sean’s Show (It’s Garry Shandling’s Show)

In It’s Garry Shandling’s Show, future creator of the fantastic Larry Sanders Show, Garry Shandling, stars as himself: a neurotic stand-up comedian, who just so happens to be aware that he’s a character in a sitcom. The other members of the cast are also aware that they’re on TV and sometimes show up to Garry’s house with the sole purpose of appearing on camera.

The British sitcom Sean’s Show, which stars comedian Sean Hughes, follows largely the same premise, but with a more surreal twist.

Coupling (Friends)

During the early part of the ‘00s, somebody decided that it was about time that Britain had its very own version of Friends. Then, bizarrely, the Americans decided that they wanted their very own version of Coupling (see here), seemingly unaware that it was very similar to one of their own shows. Then Britain decided that if America was allowed to have an American version of Coupling, then Britain should be allowed to have their very own American version of Coupling. And so on. And so on. And so on.

The Apprentice (The Apprentice)

The original American Apprentice stars Republican nutsack lookalike and business tycoon Donald Trump. It’s difficult to say which series is best; on the one hand, the American show features Donald Trump and gaudy, overly flashy graphics, whereas the British version simply able to fill us all with a great sense of national shame. It really is too difficult to call.

Bruce Forsyth’s Play Your Cards Right (Card Sharks)

“Okay, so we’ve got this American programme, right? It’s called Card Sharks, but naturally, I’m assuming that we’ll want to get either Beadle or Forsyth in on the action. I really can’t see the name ‘Card Sharks’ working in the UK. Brits don’t care for sharks. But they do love Forsyth, Beadle and lamo titles that don’t really mean anything. I’m thinking something like ‘Beadle’s Wonder Cards’ or ‘Bruce Forsyth’s Cards Ahoy!’. Something like that.”

Lead Balloon (Curb Your Enthusiasm)

It’s difficult to write about Lead Balloon without drawing comparisons to Curb Your Enthusiasm. The situations, the humour, the characters and the basic premise of both shows are undeniably similar – often to the point where Lead Balloon ends up covering ground that Curb Your Enthusiasm has already covered multiple times before. Both are grossly overrated.

This was a guest post by Jack Sharp who loves his television set much more than any human.

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Argue all you want, but there’s absolutely no denying that George Harrison is the coolest of The Beatles. John and Paul fought it out for best songwriter while George slid into effortless cool, taking it easy and releasing records as and when he pleased.

How cool was George? He faced everything with a shrug. The Quiet Beatle wrote in his diary in ’69: “Got up went to Twickenham rehearsed until lunchtime — left the Beatles — went home, and in the evening did King of Fuh at Trident studio, had chips later.”

And so, with Martin Scorsese’s documentary ‘George Harrison: Living in the Material World’ getting everyone talking about George, let us look at his best music… okay?

Of all the Beatles, George was almost certainly the most identifiable as a proper individual. At times, he almost seemed to be separate from the rest of the Fabs, with John and Paul vying for leadership and Ringo looking like he’d be lost without them (although his leaving the group at one point suggests otherwise).

Thanks to this icy cool, George went from being nerdy, guitar-geek to someone who was a bona-fide counter-culture pin-up who didn’t even need to try to be the Beatle with the best swagger.

It is because of this laid-back approach that his music in the Fab Four (and beyond) is so often overlooked. So while he’s briefly in the spotlight again, let us peer at his backcat and check out his best work.

Feel free to disagree and get outraged at omissions in the comments.

WAH WAH

HERE COMES THE SUN

WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS (Acoustic version)

TAXMAN

MY SWEET LORD

ISN’T IT A PITY

IF I NEEDED SOMEONE

SOMETHING

NOT GUILTY

FAR EAST MAN

BEWARE OF DARKNESS

BONUS TRACK: THE PIRATE SONG

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