Victoria’s Secret? Well, it’s not really a secret at all.

Want to sell some underwear? Just get some of the hottest women alive to prance around in it.

It’s that simple. Seriously, stick Heidi Klum in an advert for anything and we would be at the front of the queue. Even if it is thrush cream.

Job done. But who are the hottest Victoria’s Secret models of all? Well, all we can say is, we certainly enjoyed trying to find out.

20. Marisa Miller

19. Karen Mulder

18. Rebecca Romijn

17. Olga Kurylenko

16. Jill Goodacre

15. Angie Everhart

14. Jarah Mariano

13. Selita Ebanks

12. Daniela Pestova

11. Bar Refaeli

10. Estella Warren

9. Chandra North

7. Alessandra Ambrosio

6. Niki Taylor

5. Laetitia Casta

4. Heidi Klum

3. Miranda Kerr

2. Gisele Bundchen

1. Adriana Lima

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Football wasn’t always a non-contact sport.

With all the diving, posing and play-acting you see in the Premiership and international football these days, it’s easy to forget there were times the Beautiful Game was anything but. In fact, football could be downright nasty – with the players below some of the main instigators.

Bring on the FA charge.

23. Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris

Former Chelsea defender known for his uncompromising tackles and his huge chopper. No wait.

22. Billy Bremner

Once described as 10 stone of barbed wire – and that was just his hair – Leeds and Scotland legend Bremner was an argument waiting to happen.  Well, he was Scottish, had ginger hair and was small.  Was so hard he even went toe to toe with tough-as-teak Kevin Keegan during the 1974 Charity Shield.

21. Norman Hunter

Nicknamed ‘bites yer legs’ for his weird sexual appetites. No, wait, it was because he was a tough, uncompromising defender. Played for the Leeds team every hates. Would have appeared higher, but for being beaten up by Franny Lee. See clip.

20. Graeme Souness

Our favourite story about the former Middlesbrough, Rangers and Liverpool midfielder is that Garth Crooks once whimpered he was ‘an uncompromising brute’. You can just imagine him saying that, can’t you? Only with a few more words. He could also play a bit. See clip above.

19. Luis Medina

The former Estudiantes star was so unpleasant even his mother didn’t like him. Was sent off during the 1968 World Club Championship for kicking the crap out of Georgie Best.

18. Roy McDonough

A tough tackler who racked up more cards than Clinton’s.

17. Roy Keane

The former Manchester United skipper was a nasty piece of work. Even Sir Alex was scared of him.

16. Willie Woodburn

Former Scotland and Rangers defender of the 1950s who was banned from the game for life after being sent off for the fifth time in six years.  Five sendings off? Doesn’t seem much does it, but when you consider you had to commit GBH to get sent off in the Fifties, it was probably fair enough.

15. Terry Butcher

The former England skipper was not the kind of man you would want to meet in a dark alley, especially when he’s covered in blood. Has a hard name too.

14. Giuseppe Bergomi

The Italian hardman would have tackled his own grandmother.

13. Tommy Smith

Legend has it Merseyside mothers kept a picture of him by the mantelpiece to keep them from the fire.

12. Jose Batista

The hardest player to ever play for Uruguay, which is really saying something. Just ask Gordon Strachan. Batista assaulted him in the first minute in the 1986 World Cup.

11. Bert Trautmann

It takes some balls to play in the English league when you were a German paratrooper during the Second World War. But what really makes the former Manchester City goalkeeper stand out is the fact he played on in the 1956 FA Cup final with a broken neck. Imagine players doing that now.

10. Chic Charnley

Obviously growing up with a stupid name toughened the former Partick Thistle player up. In fact, he holds the record for the most dismissals in British football. One story has it was once attacked during a training session by two men with samurai swords. The pair ran away.

9. Leonel Sanchez

The Chilean star played a starring role in the Battle of Santiago in 1962 – dubbed ‘the dirtiest match ever’. How? Well, he knocked out Humbero Maschio with a superb left hook. See clip above.

8. Duncan Ferguson

Former jailbird who once found two burglars in his house. Ferguson confronted the pair and was able to detain one of them who subsequently spent three days in hospital. The second man managed to flee but was eventually caught.

7. Miguel Angel Nadal

Probably remembered more for his penalty miss against England in Euro 1996, but Nadal was not dubbed The Beast of Barcelona for his dodgy haircut.

6. Claudio Gentile

Along with Danny Invincible and Leon Best, the Italian defender possibly has the least appropriate surname in football. Please send more suggestions.

5. Terry Hurlock

No one liked him, he didn’t care.

4. Andoni Goikoetxea

Not called the Butcher of Bilbao for his tasty meat cuts.

3. Stuart Pearce

Headbutted by Basile Boli in 1992 and barely flinched. Now that is the kind of players we want in the league nowadays. Psycho is a true legend. Could not resist putting the clip in.

2. Dave Mackay

The former Spurs and Derby star was man not to be trifled with.

1. Billy Whitehurst

A football journeyman who was rumoured to supplement his earnings by engaging in bare knuckle boxing bouts with local gypsies. There is also a story that he beat up Vinnie Jones while the pair were at Sheffield United. Not a man to annoy, so we’ll shut up now.

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Admittedly, the aeronaut who’s making the flight (Yves Rossy) is a Jetwing veteran and has a team of choppers, planes, search and rescue specialists and doubtless hordes of media pundits to catch him if he falls (the flight is the brainchild of Webtel.mobi, who are sponsoring the event), but a walk in the park it ain’t.

It promises to be a spectacular, if a little insane, challenge – and one for the history books regardless of how it ends. But how does flying between continents strapped to a sheet of carbon fibre stack up in terms of stupidity against the history of human flight? Luckily for you, we have some prime examples all lined up…

11 – The cross-channel jet-wing flight

The precursor to this month’s Webtel.mobi Intercontinental Challenge. To warm up for flying between Morocco and Spain, the jet-wing was used to cross the English Channel. This was dangerous for two main reasons – 1) it was the first time that anything like this had ever been attempted, and 2) Rossy planned to land in Dover, where there was every likelihood he’d end up getting bludgeoned to death by the locals because they’d mistaken him for a witch. This time around you can follow the progress of the challenge on Twitter at @the_challenge09.

10 – The Olympic rocketman

Back in 1984, it looked as though jetpacks were going to revolutionise the way in which human beings moved around. It’s now 25 years later, and what have we got? The Nissan Micra. Screw you, technology.

9 – Joe Kittenger

The definition of the word lunacy. Joe Kittenger is best known as the man who, in the name of science, once flew a hot air balloon 102,800 ft into the sky and then jumped out. On the way down, in -70C temperatures, Kittenger hit a speed of 614mph. And to think, we feel a bit queasy climbing up a ladder. In recent years, Boards Of Canada used footage of the freefall for their video to Dayvan Cowboy. Beautiful. But incredibly stupid.

8 – The annual Bognor Regis birdman competition

Maybe not as cool as Joe Kittenger, but just as stupid and more ridiculous-looking. Natural selection was invented to weed people like this out.

7 – Yogic Flying

Yes, that’s right, world peace will be achieved by sitting on a crashpad with your legs crossed and then sort of flapping around aimlessly for a bit. So thanks for that.

6 – Johnny Knoxville’s big red rocket

You may remember that Johnny Knoxville tried to ride a big red rocket over a lake in Jackass 2. You may remember that the rocket exploded with such force that Johnny Knoxville is lucky to be alive. You may remember that even this stunt wasn’t quite as stupid as when Chris Pontius drank the horse sperm.

5 – St Joseph Of Cupertino

From Wikipedia:

On October 4, 1630, the town of Cupertino held a procession on the feast day of Saint Francis of Assisi. Joseph was assisting in the procession when he suddenly soared into the sky, where he remained hovering over the crowd. When he descended and realised what had happened, he became so embarrassed that he fled to his mother’s house and hid. This was the first of many flights, which soon earned him the nickname “The Flying Saint.” On hearing the names of Jesus or Mary or the singing of hymns, he would go into dazed state and soar into the air. Joseph gave off a sweet smell because he was pure.

True story.

4 – Visa Parviainen

An important stepping stone between Joe Kittenger and this month’s intercontinental challenge. In 2005, Parviainen jumped out of a hot air balloon over Finland and then shot off with rockets in his boots. Humanity is great because of people like Visa Parviainen. Either great or stupid. We haven’t quite decided yet.

3 – Ermes Zamperla

“But what about the role that the human cannonball has played in the history of human flight?” You’re asking. What about it, reader? What about it indeed.

2 – Bear Grylls flying over Everest

To be fair, it only looks like Bear Grylls had journeyed over Mount Everest in a paramotor. But, you know Bear Grylls is famous for faking stuff, so we’re yet to be convinced that he didn’t just trampoline over a teacup or whatever.

1 – Icarus

The man who started it all. But only briefly. Seriously, what sort of divvy builds wings out of wax? Moron.

Have you heard? Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary.

Just think about that. Four decades of Sesame Street falsely teaching children that the last letter of the alphabet is ‘zee’ instead of ‘zed’. Four decades of Sesame Street teaching children to laugh in an unconvincing east European accent whenever they count to five. Four decades of Sesame Street showing slightly underwhelming short-form documentaries about bottle factories.

And four decades of solid gold musical performances. For a kid’s TV show, Sesame Street has played host to some genuinely incredible musical acts in its time, and here’s a list of our favourites. Do let us know if we’ve missed any out…

10 – Tony Bennett, Little Things

Where Tony Bennett tells a child that she shouldn’t hurry to grow up because he believes in little things “like colours in the sky”. Which we believe is a polite way of telling her that when you get old your teeth fall out and sometimes you accidentally wet yourself. Charming, nonetheless.

9 – Feist, 1,2,3,4

A spectacular puppet-heavy recreation of Feist’s famous 1,2,3,4 video. So preposterously delightful that you can even forgive Sesame Street for teaching children to find value in bland coffee shop music.

8 – Norah Jones, Don’t Know Y

A true multi-tasker of a performance. Not only does Norah Jones teach children about the letter Y and sing her best-known song, but it is also more likely to put children to sleep faster than any other song ever performed on Sesame Street by anyone.

7 – REM, Furry Happy Monsters

Who knew – re-recording old songs with new lyrics and singing them next to a bunch of dangerously bipolar puppets actually improves them. You learn something new every day.

6 – James Blunt, My Triangle

Yes, look, it’s James Blunt. And everyone knows how much of a knobshine James Blunt is. But, admit it, at one point during this song you thought “Hey, maybe James Blunt isn’t so bad after all.” Didn’t you? It’s OK. It’s our secret.

5 – Billy Joel, Just The Way You Are

Of all the lessons that Sesame Street ever taught us, this one has stayed with us the longest – that whenever Billy Joel sings, it’s OK to shout abuse at him and to repeatedly tell his deaf friend to go away. Remember that, kids. One day it might come in handy.

4 – Destiny’s Child, A New Way To Walk

Not so much for the song itself, or the tortured way that the song is introduced, but for the moment two and a half minutes in when Grover comes perilously close to having his eye taken out by Beyonce’s wayward crotch.

3 – Johnny Cash, Nasty Dan

This is just immense – it’s a battle of wits between mean old Johnny Cash and mean old Oscar The Grouch. Who comes out on top? No contest – the sneer that Cash gives Oscar after Oscar tells him that Nasty Pearl sounds OK could freeze blood. Terrifying.

2 – Paul Simon, Me & Julio Down By The Schoolyard

Not that the little girl next to him seems to think it’s called Me & Julio Down By The Schoolyard, though – in her head it’s clearly called Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Alright Dance Dance Dance EVERYBODY DANCE EVERYBODY DANCE OH YOU CAN DANCE WITH ME YOU CAN DANCE WITH ME Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance. Almost illegally heartwarming.

1 – Stevie Wonder, Superstition

Now this is just in a different league. Stevie Wonder, before he got fat and rubbish, singing a glorious six-minute song about the dangers of organised religion to a group of impressionable children, some of whom have more of the funk than we will ever fully begin to comprehend. Not just the greatest musical performance on Sesame Street, but maybe one of the best videos of all time. Perfect.

BONUS VIDEO: Stevie Wonder again

He doesn’t just sing his own songs, you know. Stevie Wonder also makes up throwaway songs about Sesame Street. And they rule, too. Amazing.

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We love Sports Illustrated swimwear models here at hecklerspray.

Sure, we like looking at the pictures of beautiful girls but we also like to think they are performing an important role of getting more people interested in swimming. Well, put it this way, nothing has made us more interested in the breaststroke than the thought of a lovely girl in a tight-fitting bikini.

OK, enough of the terrible jokes and roll on the pictures of half-naked women…

30. Isabeli Fontana

29. Angela Lindvall

28. Selita Ebanks

27. Julie Henderson

26. Irina Sheik

25. Oluchi Onweagba

24. Bridget Hall

23. Melissa Haro

22. Kim Alexis

21. Cheryl Tiegs

20. Niki Taylor

19. Christie Brinkley

18. Naomi Campbell

17. Cindy Crawford

16. Rachel Hunter

15. Daniela Pestova

14. Bar Rafaeli

13. Beyonce Knowles

12. Ana Beatriz Barros

11. Michelle Behennah

10. Anna Kournikova

9. Veronika Varekova

8. Elle Macpherson

7. Molly Sims

6. Tyra Banks

5. Kathy Ireland

4. Chandra North

3. Marisa Miller

2. Heidi Klum

1. Rebecca Romijn

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Halloween seems to have lost its bite lately. What’s scary about a couple of children with sheets on their heads asking for confectionery? Nothing.

So how can we make Halloween scary again? Simple – puppets. Puppets and dolls are easily the scariest thing in the entire world. Look at them, staring at you with their cold, dead eyes. They’re terrifying. And we’re pretty sure they all come to life at night and watch you sleep. Seriously, 9’s released today and that little doll thing freaks us out.

So in the spirit of Halloween we’ve decided to compile the definitive list of culture’s creepiest, freakiest, most uncomfortably nightmarish puppets. Enjoy. And sleep well tonight…

9 – Big Bird (Sesame Street)

At this point in time, generations of children have been taught how to count to 10 by a gigantic yellow canary with a voice like a psychologically-disturbed murderer and a beak that could quite easily stab you through the eyeball. And you wonder why the planet’s so messed up.

8 – Mr Punch (Punch and Judy)

In America they have Mickey Mouse. In England we have Mr Punch, a hard-faced monster in a funny hat so tormented by his own silly voice that he’s driven to compulsively attack his wife with a paddle while telling an audience of children that “that’s the way to do it”. At the seaside. Oh, the humanity.

7 – Billy (Saw)

Officially the scariest thing about the Saw movies, after the fact that people still inexplicably pay to watch the Saw movies. Obviously.

6 – 9 (9)

Yes, he’s technically a doll and not a puppet. And, yes, in the movie he’s actually quite adorable. But ask yourself this – what would you do if you saw him running around your house? That’s right, you’d burn him, wouldn’t you? You’d scream, and then you’d try to burn him.

5 – Skekis (The Dark Crystal)

The stuff that nightmares are made of. Thanks Jim Henson. Never has one man caused so many to wet their beds so often. We’ll give you the cleaning bill when we SEE YOU IN HELL, Henson.

4 – Chucky (Child’s Play)

Not so much because he’s an inanimate object possessed by the soul of a violent murderer. Not so much because of the thought of his tiny plastic grasping hands. No, it’s because he looks exactly like Mick Hucknall from Simply Red. We can only take so much, you know.

3 – Everyone from Peppermint Park (Peppermint Park)

They say that Peppermint Park was a straight-to-VHS children’s show from the 1980s. We’re not so sure. We think it’s a slightly recut version of the dinner scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Only much, much more likely to send you into a quivering meltdown.

2 – Pinocchio (Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio)

Not just a puppet. Not just a puppet that thinks it’s a boy. A puppet that thinks it’s a boy being played by a middle-aged man. Literally the dictionary definition of creepy. Could anything on the face of the planet be as profoundly unsettling as that?

1 – Dolmio Family (Dolmio adverts)

Well, yes. This. They’re puppets, but they like to eat meat. And as soon as they work out that humans are made out of meat, we’ll be done for.  You hear us? WE’LL BE DONE FOR. If you need us, we’ll be hiding in a cupboard, sobbing.

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

Zippy from Rainbow

Beaker from The Muppets

Hamble from Playschool

Zelda from The Terrahawks

Pob

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Poker is officially our new favourite pastime.

But we are not talking about just playing it – watching it can be just as good.

Now, TV programmes dedicated to featuring fat, balding men with crap monikers like ‘Pretty Boy’ and ‘Cardshark’ leering over their cards at each other may not seem like a good night’s entertainment. And you would be right.

But have you seen some of the hot women on the circuit? Poker? You bet we would.  Play your cards right and you would losing more than your shirt – and love every minute of it. We had no idea poker was so sexy.

And it gave us an idea for another list. Just who are there hottest girls on the circuit?

Well, here is our royal flush.

17. Kathy Griffin
Kinda funny, kinda sexy and not bad at cards either.

16. Isabelle Mercier

Prior to turning to a poker career, she earned an undergraduate law degree from the Université de Montréal and practiced commercial law for a year. Brains and beauty.

15. Evelyn Ng

The 33-year-old Canadian is yet to win a major tournament. Look, we never said they had to be any good – just look good.

14. Anna Benson
Better known as the pretty but potty wife of former Mets pitcher Kris Benson, Anna has become a regular on the poker circuit after an anonymous fan fronted her the $10,000 entry fee for the WSOP Main Event.  She’s even launched her own site – unfortunately it’s a poker site.

13. Cindy Margolis

OK, so links to poker are pretty dubious for the once most downloaded women on the net. But US glamour model Cindy recently launched her own poker room, where you can apparently go head-to-head with her.  There is a joke there somewhere.

12. Joanna Krupa

This Polish-born beauty, who has graced the covers of Playboy, Maxim, FHM, and Trump magazines, is the new face of Titan Poker. Now that’s what I call an advert.

11. Jennifer Leigh

Jennicide recently appeared fully nude in Playboy. Oh, and she’s pretty good with cards too.

10. Courtney Friel

Fox entertainment reporter Friel is well known to the poker community after hosting season four of the World Poker Tour television series. Mmmmmm, she makes us Friel good.

9. Chantel McNulty

You really would find it hard to concentrate on your cards when you have this 22-year-old Texan’s enhanced boobs staring back at you.

8. Erica Schoenberg

Rumour has it that Erica appeared topless in Carmen Electra’s Strip Poker DVD. Well, if anyone has a copy could they send it to us?

7. Brandi Hawbaker

Sometime movie star Brandi is also rumoured to be a stripper from Las Vegas. Anyone for strip poker?

6. Clonie Gowen

Professional poker player from Texas that we’d all like to play our cards right with.

5. Andrea Parker

An American TV actress, also famous for making Julia Roberts‘ body look slightly better, is a regular on the celebrity poker tour.

4. Marianela Pereyra

We would love some Argy-bargy with Buenos Aires-born model Marianela, who was NBC’s superb choice for Poker After Dark season three.

3. Layla Kayleigh

Season six host of the World Poker Tour’s televised circuit and British to boot. Get in there.

2. Jennifer Tilly

A serious poker hottie with career winnings in excess of $450,000, Tilly, of course, will always have a place in our hearts for such fine films as Bound and, errrr, Bride of Chucky.

1. Shannon Elizabeth

Who would not like a piece of this American Pie?  Her poker credentials? Well, actually she finished in the money at four separate WSOP events, and was also third on NBC’s National Heads-Up Poker Championship, taking home $120,000. Or so it says here.

Special award:
Hottest girl who once played poker very badly on Sky Poker.

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Like everything from cultural imperialism

Both the British and American versions of The Office have been stormed the ratings, both the British and American versions of The Office have mined comedy from awkward and mundane situations and both the British and American versions of The Office have spawned movie stars, as seen in everything from Get Smart to Love, Actually to Pirates Of The Caribbean to that rubbishy George Clooney film about American football.

But which is better – the British Office or the American Office? It’s a debate that everyone has an opinion on but nobody has comprehensively won. And that’s why we’re here now. Using a complex scientific algorythm based on five categories, we’ve decided to find out which version of The Office is best. You may disagree with us if you like. Just know that if you do, you’re wrong…

BEST MANAGER

Gervais

Carrell

The most important factor of The Office is the manager, whether it’s Britain’s David Brent or America’s Michael Scott, because the entire show hangs around their actions. Both are essentially the same character – awkward, overcompensatory show-offs without a shred of self-awareness – but, although Michael Scott has long since developed into a more rounded character, he’s never quite managed to capture the stupefying arrogance of David Brent.

UK: 1 – US: 0

BEST LOVE STORY

UK -

US -

Tim and Dawn or Jim and Pam? Same syllables. Same longing looks. Same dowdy cuteness and unflattering haircuts. But, again, the difference between the British Office and the American Office is one of time. It was easy to string out Tim and Dawn’s unspoken office romance over the two short seasons of the BBC Office, ending the entire show with the flourish everyone craved. That wouldn’t work with Jim and Pam because there are just too many episodes of the NBC Office for it to stay fresh. That’s why we had to suffer through uncomfortably daytime soapish exchanges like the one above before they actually got together. And stayed together. And got a bit boring. Another point to the UK.

UK: 2 – US: 0

BEST SUPPORTING CAST

Keith’s appraisal

Kelly

Here’s where the sheer amount of NBC Office episodes actually work. Although funny, the BBC Office supporting characters are never more than broad sketches, and most scenes they’re in all depend on reactions to or from Ricky Gervais for humour. Meanwhile, over on NBC, some of the best comedy writer-performers around have been cast to flesh out the parts and create a network that exists outside of Michael Scott’s involvement. It’s probably the American Office’s greatest achievement, so it can claw back a point here.

UK:2 – US: 1

ULTIMATE LEGACY

Dance

That’s what she said

A big one – what will each respective version of The Office be most fondly remembered for. The BBC’s Office, without question, has The Dance – a moment that won’t only be reenacted in pubs and playgrounds until the end of time, but will ensure that even if he cures cancer and wins the Nobel Prize, someone at the ceremony will yell “DO THE DANCE!” at Ricky Gervais. And he will do it. Meanwhile, NBC has “That’s what she said,” a smart, short, sophisticated line that anybody can drop into any conversation without looking too much like a copycat bellend. Plus people won’t think you’re a tit if you do it in public, which pushes it a million light years past The Dance.

UK: 2 – US: 2

FUNNIEST MOMENT

UK

US

The Office – Lady Suit


A contentious one, we know – it’s difficult enough to get people to agree on the funniest moments from any given episode of The Office regardless of which country it’s made, let alone the entirity of both shows combined. But screw it, this is our list and it’s scientific and if you don’t agree then you hate science. In the UK Office, Ricky Gervais grabs a serious moment and spins it into the stratosphere, while Steve Carrell’s scene is a masterpiece of escalation. But science tells us that Gervais shades it. You hear that, haters? SCIENCE.

UK: 3 – US: 2

So that’s it. Conclusive proof that the British version of The Office is slightly funnier than the American version of The Office. However, if we were doing a side-by-side comparison of British and American versions of Extras, America would have won. Even though there isn’t an American version of Extras. Basically we’re saying that Extras wasn’t particularly good.

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Cameos in movies are always a bit of a double-edged sword.

On one hand they can provide audiences with a reaction of genuine delight when they find a big-name star who was not listed in the opening credits has suddenly turned up on screen to enliven and enrich the film in progress.

The more negative reaction however can see fans of a particular actor howling in anger as some wannabe gate-crashes some other big-name star’s party – usually with a scene of such gravitas that it completely overshadows the main star’s performance.

After all don’t actors get enough work of their own without having to swan around in movies which were meant for the people who’s names are up outside the multiplex?

Even worse are the fame-hungry fly-by-nights who, not content with already being famous in fields such as sport or politics, have to go and show up in the world of showbusiness too.

Like them or hate them it seems cameos will always be a part of the great world of cinema and just for your viewing pleasure we have listed the best 20 we could think of.

Any we’ve forgotten…well they’re probably off appearing in some other list somewhere.

20 – Jarvis Cocker – Harry Potter and Goblet of Fire

After his unwelcome, but undoubtedly amusing, cameo in Michael Jackson’s Earth Song performance the former Pulp frontman decided to stick with what he knows best.

19 – William Hootkins – Star Wars

He was master of the cameo in his day and thanks to the net his untimely death in this scene is being blamed on a Mexican food-fuelled fart.

18 – Bruce Willis – Loaded Weapon

John McClane would have kicked their asses – sadly this was not his movie.

17 – Bruce Springsteen – High Fidelity

We’ve tried hard to make Britney Spears materialise in our bedrooms but apparently it only works for lucky gits like John Cusack.

16 – Martin Sheen – Hot Shots Part 2

I loved you in Wall Street – brilliant.

15 – Keith Richards – At World’s End

Clearly influenced by the fans and the media this cameo showed some people really will do anything for money.

14 – Lance Armstrong – Dodgeball

If ever you feel like quitting – just imagine a pep-talk from a man who doesn’t know the meaning of the word.

13 – Mike Tyson – The Hangover

Even once hated and universally shunned boxers seem able to make us say ‘all is forgiven’ by doing stuff like this.

12 – Sean Connery in Robin Hood

Historians agree Richard the Lionheart was born in England and raised French – so why does he sound here like he hails from Kilmarnock?

11 – Matt Damon – Eurotrip

If you go to school with the right mega-stars they too may one day agree to cameo in one of your films.

10 – Chris Rock – You Don’t Mess With The Zohan

Man loses entire family – consoles himself with Chinese food.

9 – Samuel L Jackson – Iron Man

A special kind of cool cameo – one which hints at the next blockbusting film to come.

8 – David Hasslehoff – Spongebob the Movie

Also appeared in Dodgeball – but this saw him back in Baywatch mode. Couldn’t he have bought Pammy and the girls with him, though?

7 – Stan Lee – Marvel series

OK to play old man on street or postman to the Fantastic Four – but who told him he could pull off Hugh Hefner?

6 – Animator – Aladdin

Not strictly a cameo but rumour has it this was a piece of sabotage created by a pissed-off animator who told Aladdin to take Princess Jasmine’s clothes off. Fair play to him.

5 – Richard Burton – Zulu

Could have got any jobbing actor to read out the opening and closing narration but thankfully decided to go with a legend who’s voice sends shivers up your spine.

4 – Alfred Hitchcock – Everything!

The cameo master – no contest.

3 – Tom Cruise – Tropic Thunder

You got us back on side with this one Tom – but not for long.

2 – Chuck Norris – Dodgeball

If Chuck Norris says you play Dodgeball. YOU. PLAY. DODGEBALL!

1 – Alec Baldwin – Glengarry Glenn Ross

Better in these seven or so minutes than he was in any of the films in which he was the star. There you have the true definition of a cameo.

[story by Chris Longhurst]

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As we all know, it’s rude to insult the dead. They’re dead. They can’t hear what you’re saying, and they can’t be rude back. Plus, it’s probably quite disrespectful, because, you know, they’re dead. Come on. What kind of person are you?

Anyway, the point is that we’re not going to say anything rude about Heath Ledger’s English accent in The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus, because he’s dead, and it would be a cheap shot. Instead, we’re going to list some other attempted accents, that may or may not be worse than Heath’s, whilst kind of hinting that perhaps they were better. What we’re not going to do is come out and say that his accent was totally rubbish. We’re not that cruel. We would never say that. Ever.

The man’s dead.

Here are some other appalling stabs at sounding English…

1. Forest Whitaker, The Crying Game

For those who haven’t seen it, The Crying Game is mainly remembered for the scene where that couple start snogging. He’s feeling her boobs, she’s groaning like a lady does in those situations, it’s all getting pretty sexy. Then an unexpected penis falls from her knickers, everyone starts dry puking, and your friends start screaming and shouting at you to turn it off. It’s kind of an event movie in that sense. But before all of that, you do get the chance to hear Forest Whitaker chew his way through a London accent, like a chimney sweep eating a toffee. Not great.

2. Mischa Barton, St Trinian’s

Not the hardest working actress on the circuit, Mischa Barton actually claims to be English. And yet, when cast as an English girl in St Trinian’s, her portrayal appears to involve speaking in perfect American for nine words out of ten, before attempting something that sounds part-English/part-racist for exactly one word. It’s the equivalent of an Englishman’s ‘American’ consisting of no accent whatsoever, but the word “shucks” bookending every sentence. Lazy.

3. Keanu Reeves, Dracula

It never feels quite right, mocking Keanu Reeves. It’s a bit like poking a fat kid in the stomach, and repeatedly going “hey tubby” with every prod. It’s like bullying. His life is probably hard enough already, what with him being an atrocious actor and everything. So we’re not going to say too much about his attempts at the Queen’s English, beyond JESUS MAN! WTF?? Someone PAID you for this? That’s it, we’re all going to kill ourselves.

4. Marlon Brando, Mutiny on The Bounty

Such a wonderful actor, that Marlon Brando. No one will ever forget him buttering up that woman’s less mainstream orifice in the movie about France, nor the time he came in and out of pools of light in Apocalypse Now, looking really rather creepy. And neither, sadly, shall we ever forget the time he clumsily attempted to sound like an educated Englishman, but came across rather more as a wealthy landowner who was about to rape you, whether you liked it or not, in Mutiny on The Bounty.

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from lovely lovely Interestment

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You know, here at Hecklerspray, we deplore violence.

And if he wants to beat some poor old lady to death in the street, so be it. It’s only pixels after all. Nobody gets hurt.
And let’s face it, as anyone who has ever used the subway or the tube will testify, we all get these urges to maim and brutally attack annoying people. So what better way to get it out of your system?

Thankfully, videogame manufacturers have recognise that need and have come up with increasing inventive ways of satisfying our primal urge to kill, maim and disfigure virtual opponents. Here we count down the 15 most badass instruments of death ever committed to pixels.

15. Various – Thompson machine gun

The “Tommy” gun has been a mainstay in the computer game scene for years, with its most notable appearance coming in the renowned Medal of Honor series. Others include  Call of Duty and almost every other WW2 game out there. Not incredibly accurate, this sub-machine gun is handy in most situations providing a good dose of point and spray anarchy.

14. Mario Kart series – Red Turtleshell

The Mario Kart series is a highly enjoyable racing game known the world over for its recognisable characters and fun gameplay. Although never has such a fun game brought dread and fear to a player. Seeing this red turtleshell in your opponent’s screen can bring on a fit of pleading for mercy. It’s both annoying to its victim and handy to its wielder when it automatically targets its opponents with near 100% accuracy.

13. Max Payne 2 – Striker Shotgun

A personal favourite, the Striker is a shotgun-cum-cannon which provides suitable brute force at close range, devastating all that may cross your path, A true powerhouse in all sense of the term.

12. Halo – Sniper Rifle

The Halo phenomenon has exploded in recent years, giving gamers the world over a fresh, new look at combat. Providing both human and alien weapons alike, it’s hard to choose the most bad ass gun. Notable mentions include the Light Sword, Plasma rifle, Battle rifle, Needler and pistol. But for most enjoyment, the SRS99C-S2 AM Sniper Rifle takes the crown.

11. Duke Nukem – Shrink Ray

Duke Nukem has been around for years and is known not only for his kickass guns but also his classic one-liners. Boasting an array of fun weapons to dispose of your alien prey, a considerably awesome weapon has to be the Shrink Ray. It does exactly what it says on the tin, shrinking your enemy down to a few inches, giving Duke the chance to put his foot down and let out a satisfying crunch of bones under his feet.

10. Counterstrike – AWP Sniper Rifle

This gun is to sniper rifles what the 44 Magnum is to handguns. Providing a reassuringly loud BANG when fired, the AWP is a must-buy when playing the Counterstrike series. With it holding a potential one hit kill capacity, it is both loved and hated within the online community for its deadly accuracy and stopping power.

9. Perfect Dark – Laptop Gun

Perfect Dark brought back the concept of a strong female protagonist, with Joanna Dark following in the footsteps of Samus Aran of Metroid fame. It hosted a fantastic multiplayer facility and had far too many guns to count. One of the most deadly has to be the Laptop Gun, unfolding out into a nifty submachine gun with a high rate of fire and large mag, although its trump card is definitely the Sentry Gun mode. Just chuck it onto a wall or ceiling and it will deploy as a drone killing everything that moves.

8. F.E.A.R – Type 7 Penetrator

F.E.A.R brought a new angle of gaming onto the scene, with its dark atmosphere and shit-your-pants scares. Featuring many kick-ass guns, the Penetrator or Nail gun – as it’s also known – stands out. It literally allows you to nail your enemy to a wall or drill him full of spikes.

7. Quake – Rail Gun

A rifle that was both powerful but slow to use. Like the AWP its incredible effective at one hit kills, being deadly at any range and letting out a swirling stream of plasma in its wake.

6. Turok – Cerebral Bore

One of the most innovative weapons ever put to pixel, the Cerebral Bore is a classic case of imagination gone wild. An unstoppable weapon when fired, it seeks out its target skull, bores in and turns brains into jelly finally finishing off with an explosive finale.

5. Unreal Tournament – Flak Cannon

The Unreal Tournament series is a classic first person shooter, hosting a considerable arsenal of death-dealing weapons. It’s hard to choose the most badass weapon from the series with the choice of Plasma Rifle, Link gun, Rocket Launcher or Flak Cannon. But first pick must go to the Flak Cannon with its awesome close range ability in both primary and secondary fire mode. Firing projectiles that can bounce round corners the Flak Cannon is a valuable weapon in any player’s hands, both old and n00b.

4. Goldeneye - RCP90

Goldeneye will go down in legend as being one of the best FPS games ever. And the RCP90 was every player’s dream gun. Another point and spray favourite, it hosts a hefty magazine, awesome stopping power and high damage rate, this gun is hard to beat

3. Doom – BFG 9000

Let’s not beat about the bush with this one shall we. The BFG 9000 – or Big Fucking Gun as it’s called in most circles – deals out devastation to the factor of 11. Providing a flash of green light and a blast wave of immense proportions, the BFG is capable of destroying anything in its path, or come to think its blast radius.

2. Gears Of War – Lancer

A relative newcomer to the shooter scene, the Lancer from the acclaimed Gears of War game is notable for it dual killing capacity. A stock weapon in both single and online play, it is an effective
rifle at most ranges. But the most badass element is the chainsaw bayonet at your disposal. Close range melee attacks provide maximum enjoyment, especially seeing showers of blood spraying out from the dismembered corpse at your feet

1. Half Life 2 – Gravity Gun

The Half Life series especially has many memorable weapons to choose from, but none one more so than the gravity gun, giving the protagonist the option of picking up, smashing or throwing seemingly unmoveable objects for their gain. Hurling a saw blade at a zombies head, or chucking cars and gas tanks at Ant lions can be strangely satisfying. A notable kill is launching a radiator at an enemy’s skull with a sufficient and enjoyable thud.

[story by Michael Chenucha]

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Everyone knows that, in movies, it’s tough being a woman.

The roles on offer tend to only be those of kindly nuns, tearful wives silently rinsing cups in the sink, or unbelievable ball breakers. There is no real middle ground. Of course, one other role that we haven’t mentioned yet is that of a wonderful prostitute.

Everyone’s played one, from Jane Fonda to Charlize Theron. So with that in mind, we thought it best to highlight the greatest on-screen hookers of them all.

Julia Roberts, Pretty Woman

Yeah, that’s right, you probably thought that to become a prostitute, a woman needed to be a toothless, cackling, drug addict. And it’s a forgiveable misconception, because up until Pretty Woman came out, that’s what we all thought. Plus, gentlemen who used hookers to satisfy their seedy wants were often characterised as sweaty fat men who wouldn’t be able to correctly smear sensual handfuls of soft margarine into a lady’s buttocks for the life of them. Then Julia Roberts and Richard Gere made every single one of us THINK AGAIN. Him a sexy lothario adept at love makes, her just a girl, standing in a room, demanding money for intercourse. What a wonderful whore.

Patricia Arquette, True Romance

After Roberts threw everyone into a spin by scrubbing up well for a street walker, Patricia Arquette brought us all thundering back down to Earth with her portrayal of a call girl dressed in a Barbie doll’s slutty cast-offs. The film begins with Arquette giving Christian Slater some birthday sex as a freebie, then ends up with her strolling into the sunset with her “Trick”. But not before she’s emotionally blackmailed him into murdering her pimp. Clever girl.

Jamie Lee Curtis, Trading Places

As with the two previous prostitutes, Jamie Lee Curtis ends up coming off the game, thanks to true love, and a lot of money. It’s no secret that Jamie Lee Curtis splits consensus, with her rather harsh, angular face. But she also owned one of those 1980s figures that could almost pull off a daring up-the-bum leotard – as worn in a John Travolta film that we can’t remember. Plus, she used one scene in Trading Places to unleash her big juicy bosoms – a moment etched on the minds of a generation. In many ways, she was the perfect brass.

Rebecca De Mornay, Risky Business

Hookers, as is probably well documented, sometimes have to make sacrifices for their work. None more so than Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business, who was forced to endure full-length body-licks from Tom Cruise’s slobbering walrus-like tongue. Eventually, having stolen a precious egg from the mantelpiece, the pair strike up an unlikely friendship, and it’s not long before her girls are turning tricks and doling out special offer h-jobs from the comfort of Cruise’s family home. This makes the fiercely macho actor appear part-pimp/part-madam, depending on your point of view. And De Mornay a proz with a brain for business, and a body… for business.

Elisabeth Shue, Leaving Las Vegas

Whilst the above prostitutes had the time of their lives servicing their johns, Elisabeth Shue issues a chilling warning that sometimes it’s not all great breakfasts and suitcases of cocaine. Sometimes, it’s Nicolas Cage drinking himself to death, while your downtrodden hooker damn well falls in love with him. Great money, tragic outcome. This film suggests that becoming a prostitute might actually be a bad thing.

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment. If you like him so much, why don’t you marry him?

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Advertising – it’s the easiest job in the world.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but coming up with a successful advert is not exactly brain surgery. Bit of sex, a lot of humour and a cracking song and you could sell vomit-coloured shoes to even the most discerning of fashion shoppers. We like to think we are immune to such obvious marketing tricks, but we’re not.

Tampons are not exactly a regular on my shopping list. But give me an ad featuring Anna Friel in a skimpy top dancing to the Pixies or some cracking Motown track and it won’t be long before I’ll be queuing up for my sanitary towel fix.

That’s because good music works – it can make even the most insufferably tedious and boring things appear cool. Just look at Michael Stipe. But which are your favourites? Which advert tracks had you rushing to the shops, only to come away scratching your head over why you actually bought the crappy item?

The kind that leaves you scouring the iTunes just so you didn’t have to endure countless more advertising breaks in the hope of hearing it again. But getting the right track can be sometimes troublesome. Trying to flog any old piece of crap by sticking a half-decent track from The Beatles or Rolling Stones on the advert is not a guaranteed win, which kind of disproves my earlier point, but whatever.

Anyway, here at hecklerspray we have compiled our favourites. Just to clarify, we don’t mean advert ditties – we are talking about proper song tracks. Feel free to let us know what you think – not that you need any encouragement! Enjoy!

20. A Minha Menina by Os Mutantes
Advert: McDonald’s

Great song by one of the world’s greatest ever bands, and an important message as well – gorging yourself silly on mechanically-reclaimed meat is better than exercise. That is the point of the ad, isn’t it?

19. Flat Beat by Mr Oizu
Advert: Levis Sta-Prest trousers

Yes, it got annoying quickly. But that was only because everyone else loved it as much as you did.

18. Pink Moon by Nick Drake
Advert: Volkswagen

Foolish Nick Drake. Would he have killed himself if he knew that one day he’d be advertising German cars from beyond the grave? Almost certainly not.

17. Another Girl, Another Planet - The Only Ones
Advert: Vodafone

Hey, we need a song to advertise free weekend telephone calls for kids. What should the song be about? Debilitating heroin addiction? BINGO! Good job the song’s so brilliant, really.

16. Heart Attack and Vine by Screaming Jay Hawkins
Advert: Levi jeans

Who finds the best songs to use in adverts? Levis. Apart from when they used Babylon Zoo, obviously. Remember Babylon Zoo? No? OK, never mind.

15. Slow Hands by Interpol
Advert: Armani

Good song, stylish brand and, oh, Josh Hartnett. Oh Armani, you were so close.

14. Can’t Seem to Make You Mine by The Seeds
Advert: Lynx Bullet Advert

A song so good it almost makes us want to buy impractically small canisters of schoolboy deodorant. Almost.

13. Beggin’ by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons (remix)
Advert: Adidas

An advert featuring a remix of a Frankie Valli song and starring The Ting Tings that isn’t overwhelmingly horrible? Goodness.

12. Phat Planet by Leftfield
Advert: Guinness

Never bettered, by Guinness or Leftfield. Or humanity, for that matter.

11. Just Another Diamond Day by Vashti Bunyan
Advert: T-Mobile

If you listen to this song and then throw yourself off a building, the ground will go soft and you almost definitely won’t die. Although we’re legally required to tell you that you must never, ever, try it. Ever.

10. Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung
Advert: Volkswagen

The answer to the question ‘What song should advertise our advert now that Radiohead have repeatedly turned us down?’

9. Little Less Conversation, by Elvis vs JXL
Advert: Nike

Tick follows tock follows tick follows… oh, sorry, wrong advert. Anyway, Wiltord – one of the world’s best football players? Really?

8. Cover version of Joy Division’s Ceremony
Advert: Absolut

Marvellous retweaking of a marvellous song. End.

7. Heart of Glass, by Blondie
Advert: Next

Classic song and beautiful girls. Shallow? Us?

6. I Just Want To Make Love To You by You by Etta James
Advert: Diet Coke

A bunch of women getting excited about a man who drinks Diet Coke as a matter of choice. Something tells us they’re barking up the wrong tree.

5. Venus in Furs by The Velvet Underground
Advert: Pirelli

Annoyingly, this advert doesn’t seem to be anywhere on the internet. But it was excellent and the song was good and the man who directed it also made American History X, so shut up.

4. I Heard It Through The Grapevine, by Marvin Gaye
Advert: Levi jeans

Very possibly the most dated thing in the universe. But, God, that song…

3. Tame by Pixies
Advert: Smirnoff

We like The Pixies. Did we ever mention that?

2. Inside by Stiltskin
Advert: Levi 501

Almost made us like Stiltskin, this, until we heard any other Stiltskin music. Good ad, though.

1. Heartbeats, by The Knife
Sony Bravia

The perfect marriage of audio and visual. The end.

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Premiership footballers? Not exactly the most likeable bunch in the world, are they?

Never has failure been rewarded so richly than in the top flight of English football. Apart from maybe the banking sector – but that’s a whole different story. They turn up for a few hours of training four days a week, play a match at the weekend and sometimes in midweek and earn a fortune doing it.

Sickening, isn’t it? Jealous? You bet we are.

You would not mind so much if they were any good at what they do, but the vast majority of teams in the Premiership are now populated by dross. And as for the England team – don’t even get us started. The point is, with just about everything going for them, you would think they would appreciate how lucky they are.

Far from it – in fact the vast majority spend most of their time whinging about one thing or another. Like, how terrible it is to be picking up only £50,000 a week playing for a Champions League team.  Like, how you moved to a club in some northern outpost in England and was disgusted to find out that the women were ugly. Like, how terrible it is that we go out on a night out posing for the cameras with your celebrity girlfriend, only to find out the papers have some rather less-flattering photos of you with some tart you banged a couple of months ago which they would rather print instead.

Our advice to Premiership footballers – shut up! Just shut up!

We have no interest in what you have to say or do other than questions such as, ‘did you really mean to elbow your opponent in the face?’, ‘do you think it’s right to dive for a penalty?’, and ‘are you a cheating, overpaid football mercenary?’ OK, rant over. Anyway, there are, of course, some footballers who go even beyond this.

Some players who fans love to hate. Sure, jealousy and bitter club rivalry play a big part, but there are some footballers who are simply horrible people. Arrogant, smug, violent, lying, cheating thugs. Here are our suggestions for the most hated.

Enjoy, and please send us your choices – God knows- there is enough to choose from!

We feel a lot better now.

12. Didier Drogba – Chelsea

How could someone who has the build of a heavyweight boxer fall down so easily? Plus, there was that girly slap he gave Manchester United defender Nemanja Vidic in the Champions League final. Even Chelsea fans are starting to see the light – and that does not happen too often.

11. Kevin Davies – Bolton

Looks like a choirboy – tackles like one which has been systematically abused for years by randy, violent and sweaty priests. If ever there was a footballer in need of some anger management, it’s Bolton ’striker’ Davies.

10. Emmanuel Adebayor – Manchester City


It’s never a good sign when even your own fans dislike you. Adebayor owed a lot to Arsenal and manager Arsene Wenger but still ended up swanning off to the first club to wave a wad of cash under his nose. To make matters worse, he is not as good as he thinks.

9. Wayne Rooney – Manchester United

At least when Kevin Davies fouls someone, he usually gets booked for it. Granny whore lover Wayne Rooney, on the other hand, seems immune to censure – despite the fact he spends most of the time hacking down players who had the audacity to take the ball off him and then the next 20 minutes whinging about it. The fact the lifelong Everton fan also likes to wind up the supporters who used to adore him also makes him a number one candidate to break into the top three very soon.

8. Joey Barton – Newcastle (OK, not Premiership any more, but just wanted to vent some spleen)

Where do we start? Hopefully, the electric chair. Never has a small measure of footballing talent been wasted on such a worthless piece of human rubbish.

7. Lee Bowyer – Birmingham City

Same as Barton – only take out the reference to footballing talent.

6. Rio Ferdinand – Manchester United

Undoubtedly talented – but his show, when he ‘merked’ fellow members of England’s World Cup 2006 squad will live long in the realms of hell.

5. Emmanuel Eboue – Arsenal

Moan, moan, whine, whinge, moan… Just shut up and go.

4. El Hadj Diouf – Blackburn

OK, so he’s a bit of a pantomime villain – always winding up the opposition fans with his antics. But, then again, you don’t usually see Captain Hook spitting on the audience. Boooooooo!

3. Craig Bellamy – Manchester City (Unless he has moved again)

Obviously a keen golfer – just ask John Arne Riise – how else can you explain his hunger to collect as many clubs as Ian Woosnam? Hated by pros and managers alike – and probably his own mother.

2. Cristiano Ronaldo – ex-Manchester United

The little winker. Saved from top spot purely on the basis that he has some talent to back up his disgusting antics. Whether it is diving for a penalty or giving his team-mates a sly little wink after getting someone sent off, Ronaldo is a real number two.

1.    Ashley Cole – Chelsea

Can’t even bring ourselves to talk about him. Shudder.

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Everyone loves a sequel, and everyone else loves a remake.

After all, why should you have to get to know confusing new characters and unfamiliar situations when what you really want is a temporary lobotomy to shield you from the trials and banalities of actual life? It’s far more comforting to see a slightly different version of something you already know about, like the recent TRANSFORMERS 2: HELL YES and STAR TREK: BUT FASTER.

With that in mind, I’ve come up with a list of films for you to watch next summer while you sink into your air conditioned seat, overdosing on Minstrels. I hereby proudly present my Top Twelve Non-Existent Sequels…

1. PORCUPINES ON A HOT AIR BALLOON – After the underwhelming Bees In A Car, Samuel L Jackson teams up with ‘hilarious’ ‘actor’ Martin Lawrence to deliver the final instalment of the animals-in-vehicles trilogy in a movie event that can only be described as ‘awesome’.

Martin Lawrence wants to get these monkey-fightin' porcupines off this Monday-to-Friday hot air balloon.

2. REMIND ME AGAIN WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER – Jennifer ‘Love’ Hewitt and Freddie ‘Prinz’ Junior receive threatening phone calls from an old man who can’t remember why he is trying to kill them with a hook. So scary you will literally shit yourself.

She's happy because she's forgotten about the hook.

3. MY NEW BEST FRIEND’S BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING AND A FUNERAL – Martin Freeman navigates a series of awkward parties, fumbling his way through faux pas after faux pas until he dies of food poisoning and has to be cremated. Contains awkward nudity.

..and a funeral

4. THURSDAY THE 12th PART NONE - Horror prequel in which a group of young friends packs to go on holiday, with a nagging sensation that they’re forgetting something. Contains bad decisions and extreme violence.

Young Jason

5. BATMAN BEGUINES - Bruce Wayne must win a ballroom dancing contest to prevent clown shaped villains from taking over the town hall with their clown shaped knives and guns.

6. DIE HARD ZERO – Rookie cop John McClane (probably played by Shia LaBeouf) busts heads on the streets of New York City while his wife grows ever more disillusioned and drops hints that she might one day think about moving to L.A.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker

7. TERMINATOR 5: SOFT TARGETS – a robot carefully designed to look like an old Arnold Schwarzenegger travels back to Victorian times to kick John Connor’s great-grandfather in the nuts. Contains mild peril, and kicks in the nuts.

I need your clothes, your boots, and your penny farthing

8. MATRIX: REMORTGAGES – an old man sits in a white room, painstakingly describing the other Matrix films to Keanu Reeves. Contains padding.

He totally gets it

9. INDIANA JONES AND THE EPISODE OF THE CRYSTAL MAZE – Indy, young Indy, old Indy, and the shadow of a former Indy, explore four challenge zones, completing basic tasks to collect crystals, while Richard O’Brien plays the harmonica sarcastically.

Turns out it's an alien spaceship. Seriously.

10. MAD MAX: THE PASSION OF THE MAX – Mel Gibson directs and stars in this action redux. Contains unsettling graphic scenes of genuine masturbation.

Almost... there...

11. ALIEN VERSUS KEVIN: LOST IN NEW SPACE – Hilarity ensues as Macauley Culkin rigs up a collection of tar-and-feather style booby traps in an abandoned spaceship, during a violent alien onslaught.

Tee hee! It's gonna get hit by a bucket of paint!

12. AUSTIN POWERS: A QUANTUM OF BOLLOCKS – Mike Myers fantasises about the 1960s in a Scottish accent.

Dr Evil

There. Hollywood can have those ideas for free. All I ask for is a 5% cut of Minstrel sales and an advanced copy of the special edition DVDs. Apart from the Mad Max one.

This was a guest post by Jimi Odell from Blogtired, and he’s pretty much Captain Brilliant as far as we’re concerned.

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