You'll already know by now that Britney Spears decided to go bald and had her head shaved on Friday night – oh, and thanks a lot Britney; next time we decide to do something as classically deranged as that we'll do it after you've just packed up for the weekend – but now the clever owner of the salon has decided to try to sell bald Britney Spears' old hair on eBay. And it would have worked too, if only it weren't for those darn fake bids.

OK Britney Spears, we get it – you're not sexy very more. We understand that. We understood it when Britney Spears was called badly-dressed – twice, we understood it when not even FHM readers wanted to masturbate over Britney Spears any more and when the Japanese freaked out over the sight of her bare arms. Britney Spears even said herself that she didn't feel beautiful – and that was all before she split up with Kevin Federline. Post-split, Britney Spears has been a whirlwind of nightclub collapsing, compulsive vagina-flashing and lumpy puking. Not even the Britney Spears lesbian rumours could restore her sexiness, and they'd even make Whoopi Goldberg sexy. A bit.

So when Britney Spears got all her hair shaved off, it wasn't really going to add to her level of unsexiness – but bald Britney Spears did notch up a few points to her crazyometer. According to reports, Britney Spears checked into a rehab facility in Antigua on Valentine's Day before checking out again after one day for undisclosed reasons. Then Britney Spears decided to go bald in Esther Tognozzi's salon, as This Is London reports:

Britney had spent ten minutes crying in a car outside before going in and asking for her head to be shaved. The owner refused, fearing a writ from the star's management company for ruining Miss Spears' image. 'I tried to talk her out of it,' said Ms Tognozzi. 'I said: "Are you sure you're not having a bad day and tomorrow you'll feel differently about it? Why don't we wait a little bit?'' 'She said: "No, I absolutely want it shaved off now." Next thing, she grabbed the razor, went to the back of my salon and was shaving off her own hair. Afterwards, she just looked in the mirror and said with tears in her eyes: "Oh, my God, I shaved it all off. My mum is going to be so upset with me."'

How reassuring that the salon owner was so considerate to bald Britney Spears, checking and checking again that Britney was certain that baldness was what she really wanted. So when Britney Spears left her salon – apparently to get a tattoo and then go to the Cedar-Sinai hospital for an hour to plead for help – there's a good chance that Esther Tognozzi did what any considerate salon owner would; she stuck bald Britney Spears' hair on eBay for a million dollars, until eBay removed the hair in a spooky shadowing of Britney's eBay bra sale. The New York Post reports:

One seller claimed to be working directly for the L.A. salon's owner, Esther Tognozzi, who opened her shop Friday night just for the spectacularly troubled celeb. Bidding went up to an astounding $1 million before eBay took the offer down from the Web site. The offer included an opened can of Red Bull that Spears was drinking, and a blue Bic lighter she was carrying at the time of the head shaving, the seller said. One offer that was still on the site late last night was drawing absurd bids. One would-be buyer offered nearly $100 million bid for the "locks."

It goes without saying why so many people are interested in buying bald Britney Spears' hair from eBay – who hasn't seen Superman IV: The Quest For Peace at one point or another and fantasised about buying Britney Spears' hair in an online auction and firing it into the sun, creating a solar powered evil clone of Britney Spears named Nuclear Britney Spears who engages bald Britney Spears in a battle to the death, climaxing in a one-on-one super vagina battle inside a power station that bald Britney Spears ultimately wins to the delight of a frantic population? Who hasn't thought of that?

You? Oh.

Read more:

Is Britney About To Self-Destruct? – This Is London

eBay Pulls Tart's Tresses After $1m Offer - New York Post 

OK, that's not strictly true – Tom Cruise isn't actually selling the bronze Suri Cruise turd, and there's quite a strong chance that the bronze poo didn't actually belong to Suri Cruise in the first place. But that doesn't really matter – a bronze crap that purportedly dropped out of Suri Cruise's bum has gone on display in Brooklyn before it goes on sale on eBay. That's right – you could own one of Suri Cruise's bronze turds!

It's been a few months now since Tom Cruise told Katie Holmes to shut up and push out baby Suri Cruise, and so much has happened since then. Tom Cruise saved a couple from the wreckage of their car, Tom Cruise got the push from Paramount Pictures and nobody has seen Suri Cruise at all. Well, nobody except Penelope Cruz, David and Victoria Beckham and a few other hand-chosen disciples, anyway. Oh yeah, and someone has made a little bronze cast of a Suri Cruise turd, too.

Daniel Edwards - yes, the same Daniel Edwards who made the disgusting statue of Britney Spears pushing the crown of Sean Preston's head out of her vagina on all fours on a bearskin rug – has crafted a little Suri Cruise number two out of bronze and slapped it on display at the Capla Kesting gallery in Brooklyn. Why? Well, according to a spokesman:

"It's partially a statement on modern media that 'celebrity poop' has more entertainment value than health, famine or other critical issues facing society and governments today. Also, it is a statement on the absurdity of the media coverage surrounding Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' new baby, Suri Cruise, which has reached stellar proportions and is eclipsing far more notable events with more substance."

Also poo is hilarious, especially baby poo.

Weirdly enough, there's been no official comment on the Suri Cruise bronze turd from Tom Cruise yet – he's probably too busy wondering what to spend all that Redskins movie cash on – but that doesn't mean that the Suri Cruise bronze poo hasn't already made $5,100 in bids on eBay. Because, er, it has.

Read more:

Suri Cruise's First Poo! In Bronze! – Bayraider

[story by Stuart Heritage] 

Which charity is Matthew McConaughey selling his car for? His hair transplant top-up fund? A charity to find him films that aren't hopelessly contrived romantic comedies? No, and how dare you suggest that. In fact, Matthew McConaughey is auctioning off his 1971 Corvette Stingray on eBay to raise money for Oprah's Angels, a charity which will help raise money to help victims of Hurricane Katrina. 

Is there a more dreamy man alive than Matthew McConaughey? Officially the answer is no – he's already the sexiest man alive, his films are mostly sappily-plotted romantic comedies for girls and, since Penelope Cruz dumped him, he's probably single, too. What more could you ask for in a man? Someone who's found by policemen dancing round his living room stoned and naked and playing the bongos? Matthew McConaughey's already there, sister. Someone who donates a load of his stuff to charity? He's got you there, too.

Matthew McConaughey is auctioning off his 1971 Corvette Stingray to help Oprah Winfrey's entirely heterosexual Oprah's Angels charity raise money for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Hopefully, judging by what Matthew McConaughey has written about the car, he'll be able to keep some money back to buy a new 'G' key on his keyboard, too:

"I’ve gone to Mexico & back in it, driven across Texas in it…lotta late night drives…take off at midnight and get on the open highway with the top down…top was very seldom up in my drives. Enough room in the trunk for one persons back pack, or two for real light travel. I admire and enjoy this car, but it’s a luxury that I’m willin to relinquish at this point because I am fortunate enough to have everythin I need, and the sale of it will help so many with the necessities in life…part of stayin connected with an on-goin cause to help those in need for the long term…besides, I can’t pull my Airstream with it!"

Anyone interested in buying Matthew McConaughey's car had better have a few quid – the current bid is for $44,100.50, and there's still six days left to the price to rocket in. But what price can you really put on a blue car that the bloke out of Reign Of Fire has sat in a few times?

Read more:

Matthew McConaughey's Corvette eBay Store – eBay

[story by Stuart Heritage] 

Not Graceland, obviously – not even Uri Geller can melt enough brains to swing that – but the ranch-style home that Elvis Presley lived in before he moved to Graceland. Why did Uri Geller buy an old Elvis gaff? Why don't you mumble some gibberish about energy and power and numbers in a silly voice – you'd be surprisingly close.

World famous psychic and all-around creepo Uri Geller has just bought the house that official dead celebrity ever Elvis Presley lived in during the late 1950s on eBay for close to half a million quid. Half a million quid? All he ever does is bend spoons, make watches start and appear on the front of newspapers during every World Cup asking people to put their hands on his face and scream a bunch of nonsense into the sky. And he's got half a million quid to spuff away on a dead rockstar's house? How does that work?

Uri Geller – who drives around in a car covered in bent spoons – originally placed a bid on the Elvis house totalling £159,000, but word got out that a piece of rock and roll memorabilia was getting sold for less than the price of a pokey, half-condemned central London bedsit situated next to a crack den, and a bidding war ensued.

Eventually Uri Geller won the Elvis house with a bit of help from New York lawyer Jim Gleason and a jewellery maker named Lisbeth Silvandersson, and placed the winning eBay bid of £481,250. But why did Uri decide on snapping up the Elvis gaff? It's all down to the number 11, as he told The Mirror:

"We're unbelievably pleased. This is a piece of history… As bidding closed, I texted Gleason and it was 11 on my mobile and the radio started playing Elvis. That was Elvis telling me we got the house! We intend to restore it to its old glory. We'd like to bring sick children there for tours."

And if that doesn't work, Uri Geller can always paint the house orange, cover it in a bunch of spoons and yak about Exeter City from inside it until the end of time. For a change.

Read more:

URI BUYS ELVIS' 50S HOUSE FOR £480,000 – Mirror

[story by Stuart Heritage] 

The world is an evil place. There are plenty of things to worry about: men rampaging through streets with guns, endless suicide attacks, people selling phony Blue Peter badges on the Internet.

You read that right – some unscrupulous sellers have been hawking dummy Blue Peter badges on eBay, claiming that Blue Peter badge-wearers can gain entry into more than 100 public attractions. The bastards – don’t they know that Blue Peter badges are just for geeky friendless youngsters and nobody else?

It’s the biggest controversy to hit eBay since Bob Geldof flipped his wig about Live 8 tickets
- apparently, a handful of enterprising salespeople have been trying to
sell fake Blue Peter (Stuff) badges on the Internet. People have been willing
to pay up to £30 for a Blue Peter badge, which also acts as a free
ticket to all kinds of public attractions, including London Zoo and The
Eden Project.

Blue Peter, possibly the most worthy children’s television show ever
made – and also the show that gave us Anthea Turner, John Leslie and,
um, Romana D’Annunzio – has freaked out at the idea of someone
using its image for evil, and has tried to get the dummy Blue Peter
badges removed from eBay. A BBC spokesperson said:

"The BBC investigations unit has been monitoring eBay over the past
few months and has noticed badges being sold in large numbers by
individual sellers. eBay has agreed to take them down as they are obviously fake."

We
can’t really see what all the fuss is about. For one thing, most people
can get a Blue Peter badge by taking a picture of a jumble sale, passing it off as their own Bring And Buy sale to help the Africans and sending it to the BBC.

And
also, although you’d get free entry into all these places with a Blue
Peter badge, chances are that you’d also get beaten up for being a bit of a loser who thinks that swanking about wearing a bit of metal with a boat on it makes them special and cool and better than you.

Yeah, we never got a Blue Peter badge. Bitter? You betcha.

Read more:

Blue Peter Badge Scam – Sky 

[story by Stuart Heritage]

People have many different ways of spending the week leading up to Christmas, but bidding on an eBay auction for a toilet that belonged to Jerry Garcia is one of the least traditional.

Nevertheless, that’s what will be happening this year – The Sophia Foundation, a nonprofit group, will be auctioning off the dead hippy drug-addict guitarist’s appliances through eBay.

eBay will host the charity auction of appliances from Grateful Dead (CDs)
lead singer Jerry Garcia’s house between December 18-24. That means
that a lucky bidder might end up with Jerry Garcia’s freezer, toilet or
stereo cabinet just in time to see in 2006.

All money raised from the Jerry Garcia online auction will go to The
Sophia Foundation, an organisation which aids children and families
during marital separations and divorces. Buy A Hippy’s Crapper, Help A Kid isn’t the slogan for the auction, but it might as well be.

Henry Koltys, the chairman of The Sophia Foundation, decided upon
the auction after he bought Jerry Garcia’s old Californian house in
1997, two years after Jerry croaked it in a drug treatment centre.
According to Henry, all of Jerry’s stuff has been appraised and valued
at $75,000, but he is hopeful that the eBay auction will reach more:

“There’s a lot of Deadheads out there with money, and they want a piece of Jerry somehow.”

At
least Jerry Garcia is dead, so he won’t have a last minute
change-of-heart and pull his stuff like Britney Spears did with her spangly bra.

Read more:

Your chance to own Jerry Garcia’s toilet – MSNBC

[story by Stuart Heritage]

Internet sickos around the world are still mourning the moment when Britney Spears decided to remove her spangly bra from her charity eBay auction. They had all this money in their creepy memorabilia fund, and now there’s nothing to spend it on.

Well, there’s good news for all those disappointed rich celebrity fetishists. It might not be as pervtastic an item as Britney’s bra, but who cares – a silver Rolls Royce that belonged to Freddie Mercury has just gone on sale on eBay.

Queen (CDs) fans with more money than they really know what to do
with are already ferociously bidding on the Freddie Mercury Rolls
Royce. The 1974 Silver Shadow is getting new bids all the time – the
current highest bid is £25,100. That sounds like a lot of money, but
just look at the amazing things the car comes with…

Auto Locking!

Electric Windows!

Modern Alarm System!

Radio Cassette Player!

Obsolete Car Phone!

Small Patches Of Rust, Mainly Around The Wheel Arches!

A Box of Kleenex Tissues That Freddie Used, Complete With Unused Remaining Tissues!

Potential buyers may remember the Rolls Royce from the last time it
was seen in public – the opening night of the Queen/Ben Elton musical
bumwipe We Will Rock You in 2002. If you were at the premiere and you
remember seeing the car – well done. You’re obviously a huge Freddie
Mercury fan. Just like Barry Bulsara. Congratulations. No, really.

This auction really is the last word in luxury for rich Internet
oddballs that want to be able to drive around the country in a silver
Rolls Royce bellowing Barcelona into a knackered old car phone with
handfuls of 14-year-old tissues stuffed down their knickers.

Bid on the Freddie Mercury Rolls Royce Now

Read more:

Mercury’s car for auction on eBay – BBC

[story by Stuart Heritage]

Hey, creepy overweight Internet men! Ever wanted to buy a piece of underwear belonging to Britney Spears so that you can prance around in your bedroom wearing it and singing I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman?

Well, today is your lucky day! Britney Spears is auctioning off a bunch of her stuff on eBay to help the Mississippi Hurricane Recovery Fund. And yes, you can actually buy her bra.

Britney Spears is auctioning 451 items of hers – including pieces of clothing,
accessories and furniture – to help the hurricane fund. Top attraction so
far is an old bra of hers. Sadly – for obsessive Britney weirdos at
least – it’s not a recent one, so it won’t be full of lactation stains.
In actual fact, it’s a jewel-encrusted bra
from one of Britney’s music videos. But it’s strictly a bra for the
well-off – it’s currently going for $9,100, with four days still remaining.

Poorer Britney fans shouldn’t be down-hearted, though. From the two-piece swimsuit going for $534.99 to the Beanie Baby bride bear  going for $46, to the lipstick used by Britney going for $26, to the cheapest lot – a horrible pink sweater going for $2.25 – every pathological stalker-type has something they can bid on.

But whatever you buy will probably need washing a few times to stop it smelling of smoke and cheese-flavoured maize snacks.

Take a look at all of the items in the eBay Britney Spears Charity auction.

[story by Stuart Heritage]

There are many different ways to be immortalised. You can be the first to do something genuinely heroic like Neil Armstrong. You can become the best ever at your chosen profession like Pele. Or you can shell out a bunch of cash to charity in return for seeing your name in a book.

16 writers are holding eBay auctions next month for the right to name
characters in new books to raise funds for an organisation promoting
free speech. One lucky winner of a charity auction will be ripped apart by zombies sent berserk by mobile phone signals in the new Stephen King novel.

Profits from the auctions will go to the First Amendment Project – an organisation that fights court cases to protect the free speech rights of activists, writers and artists.

Should you not fancy being torn apart by a bunch of mental undeads, there are many other options open to bidders. Fans of Andrew Sean Greer can have their name featured as a the name of a "pivotal" bakery in his forthcoming book.

Or you could have your name garbled by Sunny Baudelaire in the latest Lemony Snicket book. Or appear as a University professor in a Marvel comic, or be met by some walking fish in a Dave Eggers illustrated story. Or you could "appear in a good light" in the next John Grisham novel.

Be warned, though. Most of the authors are refusing to include "inappropriate" names. So keep your credit card in your pocket if your name happens to be Fatty McShitwipe. Or, more accurately, use the credit card to buy a plane ticket to get as far away from your horrible parents as you possibly can.

The auctions will be staggered between September 1st and September 25st.

Find more information about the authors’ auctions at eBay

[story by Stuart Heritage]

We’ve all been there. You’re innocently playing around on the internet when – whoops – you accidentally buy a car belonging to Elvis Presley.

Jason Shepherd from New York knows all about this. He’s won an eBay auction for an old Elvis car. But he says it’s a mistake, and now he won’t pay the $245,000.

Shepherd bought the 1969 Mercedes using eBay’s ‘Buy It Now’ feature.
But he didn’t want to buy it now. Or ever. He claims that his daughter
was mucking around on the computer and accidentally purchased the
Presley Merc. And he’s refusing to pay.

Now the car’s owner, Gene Epstein from Philadelphia, has filed a
lawsuit for Shepherd reneging on the contract. He’s after the full
$245,000 plus $150,000 in damages.

Epstein’s lawyer claims that "Once an item is removed from the active sale list on eBay and listed
as sold, its reappearance on the active auction listings creates the
impression that the item being sold is in some way unsaleable or
unmarketable."

It’s been reported, though, that the lawsuit will be dropped if
Shepherd offers a token amount of cash and issues an apology drafted by
Epstein.

Upset that you can’t buy the Elvis Mercedes? Don’t be sad – there are still 2219 other Elvis items on eBay. Here’s our pick…

Like Elvis? Like stabbing? Why not slap a bid on this two-piece Elvis Presley knife set?
Involve yourself in all kinds of back-alley skulduggery while holding
a knife handle with the words "King Of Rock" written on them, for only
£12.99.

Ladies! Think you look cool? Well, you’re not. Not until you’ve bought this Elvis Presley handbag,
anyway. It features an image of the king from his globally-broadcast
Aloha From Hawaii concert and – get this – features real rhinestones!
And it’ll only set you back $12.99!

We don’t know about you, but we won’t even look at a clock unless
there’s a picture of Elvis all over it. We don’t have an Elvis clock -
which means we perpetually never know what time it is – but now you can
buy your very own Elvis Presley wall clock. It’s a clock. With a picture of Elvis on it. And, um, that’s all. But it’s $4.50

[story by Stuart Heritage]

You’d have thought Jennifer Aniston had enough on her plate, what with her career being on the wane, and her husband running off with Lara Croft. But things can only get better, right?

Well, not exactly. As if she hadn’t been given enough kickings lately, you can now buy Jennifer Aniston’s old love letters. Her teenage sweetheart is predictably flogging them on eBay.

During the summer of 1984, Jennifer Aniston (DVDs) and Michael Baroni were
young and in love. They did all the things that young couples do -
kissing, hugging, writing birthday cards on scraps of bog roll – and
all was right with the world.

But, typically, things turned sour. Jennifer Aniston started getting
paid millions of dollars for having a nice haircut in Friends, and
Michael Baroni… well, Michael Baroni hoarded all the letters he’d
written to her, waiting for the right time.

And that time is now. Michael is hawking his wares around the
American entertainment channels, trying to drum up publicity for his letters.
Speaking to Access Hollywood, he said "I contacted her agents on a couple of occasions and said ‘Hey, I found
this memorabilia and I found a love letter and some notes and things
like that’ and said ‘Just tell Jennifer if she sees them or wants a
copy of them, I’ll send them to her,’ and I never heard back."

Baroni is peddling all kinds of Aniston nonsense, including…

A piece of paper with Jennifer’s name and telephone number written in lipstick

A love letter to Jennifer written in red pen

Some toilet paper with a birthday message to Jennifer written on it

A page from Baroni’s little black book containing Jennifer’s contact information

A picture of Jennifer with Baroni superimposed onto it

Read that last one again. He’s superimposed himself onto a picture of Jennifer Aniston. Classy.

Interested? There’s good news and bad news. Good news – there have
been no bids on the items so far. Bad news – Michael Baroni wants
$25,000 for them. The auction closes on July 29.

Immensely rich weirdos can bid on the Jennifer Aniston memorabilia here

[story by Stuart Heritage]

Yes, London has beaten Paris to host the Olympic Games in 2012 and faces all sorts of logistical issues and no doubt commuter carnage while the Mayor attempts to fix the transport system.

But the big news is of course that those powersellers on eBay are busy preparing a new wave of shite to flog to the stupid. That’s right, buddy, the bread bins have been raided and toast has been prepared.

Take the following example. The ‘artist’ in question has carved the Olympic rings – well, four of them – and ‘London 2012′ onto the slightly overdone toast and listed the fucker on the auction site. Replete with the usual terrible puns.

Bidding hasn’t exactly taken off yet, so you – yes YOU – can own this piece of abused bread for just ONE DOLLAR. Tempted?

Buy a SLICE of history etc etc: eBay item 5405938544 (Ends 09-Jul-05 16:21:07 BST) – An Olympic Toast to Londons Bid.

Those pesky electronic pimps are at it again. eBay had got it’s ear bent once by Bob Geldof, after Live 8 tickets were being put up for auction on the site. Now, they’ve noticed that some cheeky scamps were auctioning illegal Live 8 DVDs.

Now, after complaints by the music industry, eBay is removing the illegal Live 8 DVDs.

Before they were pulled from the sites, some of the illegal pirated
DVDs were being sold for £17, boasting highlights from the London and
Philadelphia concerts. Why the sudden outcry? Because EMI have
reportedly paid millions of pounds for the rights to release an
official Live 8 DVD.

"There are too many people out there who believe music is for
stealing, regardless of the wishes of artists and the people who invest
in them. Sadly we are not at all surprised by this incident." David Martin of the BPI said.

Crucially, because the rights for the Live 8 songs do not belong to
the pirates, the DVDs are illegal. When Bob Geldof got his knickers in
a twist about people selling Live 8 tickets, he was making a purely moral
point. Under British law, it is perfectly legal to sell tickets to a
charity event.

However, we’d like to know why anybody would want to buy shonky DVDs
of Pete Doherty flailing about all out of tune. Why would they buy
that, when eBay offers so many golden treasures. Like these…

Toilet Paper Used By Britney Spears – Apparently one enterprising
young pup followed Britney into a Malibu restaurant toilet. Then, when
the popstar came out of her cubicle, the entrepreneur dashed
in and stole the roll of paper that Britney had used to wipe either her
front of back crack (which one is unclear). And it can be yours, to put
on top of your TV or under your pillow. There are two days left on the
auction, and the toilet roll is going for the bargain price of $0.01!. Bid on Britney’s toilet roll here.

Soapy Pope – There’s a bar of soap which has suddenly been blessed
with the image of the Pope. Kind of. There’s a vague lather shape on
it. Apparently, it’s the Pope. We’d have said it looks more like a
rubbish snowman, but what do we know. There are five days left on the
auction, and the current price is $1. Bid on the Soapy Pope here.

A Cherry That Looks A Little Bit Like An Arse – Now here’s a
bargain. There are two cherries on one stalk. Obviously, the unique
selling point of this fruity phenomenon is that it looks a little bit
like an arse. But not really. Anyway, there are five days left on the
auction, and the current price is $5. Bid on the arse cherry here.

You see? eBay isn’t just for making money from charity events. It’s also for making money from really weird tat.

[story by Stuart Heritage]

We are not talking about the kind of motors Jeremy Clarkson would remortgage his house to own. No, we mean crap cars. Runabouts from an age when central locking meant leaning over the passenger side door to let your mate in. We love these cars for their simplicity, their charm, but most of all their price. If a motor’s not cheaper to buy than a Dyson vacuum cleaner we’re not interested.

Come with us and delve retro lovers, it’s time to discover a rubbish car we love…

Ford Fiesta Mark 2

If there is a person alive in the UK, perhaps aged no younger than their mid-twenties, who hasn’t driven one of these little beauties we would be very surprised. The Ford Fiesta Mark 2, once upon a time everyone’s ubiquitous ‘first car’, is now a rarer sight than a free parking space in London. In other words, they’re practically extinct.

The original Mark 1 Fiesta hit the streets like a tin of rusty nails way back in 1976. Pitched for ladies and who couldn’t afford a Triumph Stag to do their shopping in, the plucky hatchback’s size, economy, and occasional appearance in episodes of The Professionals made it a big success for Ford.

In 1983 the first Mark 2’s arrived on the scene and promptly hung
around in dealer showrooms right up until 1989. Not too bad for a car
that’s essentially a lawnmower with a parcel shelf. This lawnmower
theme never made its presence felt more than when starting the engine
on a cold winter’s morning. We’d swear that some Mark 2’s were even
fitted with a Qualcast
pull-toggle where the ignition should be. You could hear one coming
from three miles away, wheezing through first and second like a
chronically asthmatic smoker.

We are perhaps not as interested in the Mark 2’s new state as its
second-hand incarnation. A few years down the line when an unserviced
Dr. Crippen of a car turns up on the post office notice board looking
like a good buy. You know the drill; you have just passed your test and
would drive a Stannah Starilift if they were road legal. A poorly resprayed Fiesta could be your very own Ferrari with some velour seat covers and a pair of Foster Grants resting on the dash.

But what was it was really like to own one of these puppies way back when? You’ve done the deal and handed over several months worth of shelf stacking money, what exactly did you get for all that hard-earned cash? Sex on synthetic alloy wheels, baby! And if you were really lucky a go-faster stripe thrown in for your trouble. A thin one though, more like a go-faster slash. The little Fiesta was nothing if not classy.

The Mark 2 was one of the first in a long line of ‘curvy cars’ that caught on in the mid-eighties, a look largely pioneered by Ford when most other manufacturers seemed to be basing their hatchbacks on pocket sized removal vans. Along with its Sierra style ‘smiley face’ front end, the Fiesta had two doors, a boot and somewhere to put the engine. That shiny blue badge didn’t half look good all buffed up on the bonnet too. It told everyone you drove a vehicle of calibre and quality – and that you knew Ford sold all the cheapest replacement parts in Halfords. That CD Walkman was not going to save up for itself after all.

Most young cats couldn’t afford the suped up XR2i model with its rev counter, comfy seats, and raspy 1.6 litre engine. Unless of course you ventured into knackered lemon territory and were dumb enough to drive without insurance. Even then you would have only had about a week to gloat before the cut n’ shut masterpiece snapped in half somewhere on the north circular.

The entry level Mark 2 had an interior was so sparse it made the heater feel like an optional extra. It did have a stereo though, and some cars even had after market cassette players fitted. This was an essential item for anybody still learning the art of pulling away from traffic lights without stalling. 808 State’s Pacific (CDs) was your best bet; the bass was never so heavy it covered the sound of the bite point.

Image was not a word freely associated with second-hand Ford Fiestas. Unless you wanted to say "I’m poor", "I’m a new driver" or most deriding of all, "I’m a student". There were no real movie tie-ins to make the car cool either. You could drive a beaten-up old Renault 11 and know that Roger Moore’s stunt double had done the same in A View to a Kill (DVDs), so it at least something to set it apart. About the Mark 2’s only appearance on film is in The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai and the Fifth Dimension (DVDs). Never mind James Bond, that pedigree wouldn’t make you feel as special as James Nesbitt.

Such trifling issues didn’t mean a thing to the Mark 2 owner however. They enjoyed the car for what it was, basic travel at its most basic.  Most of what went wrong could be fixed with a wrench or jackhammer, and everything else could be just ignored until the MOT. It needed no room to park, would fit several people in the back before the exhaust started clipping speed bumps, and it even had a tow ring slapped under the front bumper. Talk about thinking ahead, Ford.

The current Fiesta (now in its sixth generation) is a car more suited to surly librarians than the hot young drivers of tomorrow. The front-end smile has now been replaced by a sort of ‘kidnap victim with masking tape over their mouth’ expression. It’s horrible. Anyone with an ounce of individuality should buy an old Mark 2 and keep the rest of the money handy for repairs and some fancy extras like floor mats and a rack to keep all your compilation tapes in.

Try this nice little runner we found on eBay for a start.

It’s clean and tidy and apparently even drives in a straight line. Having the luxury XR2 decal signifies gravitas and jealousy among your naff Focus driving friends.

This 18-year-old model is also cunningly fitted with a bight orange boot release under the steering column (you’ll need to find it quickly) and we even spied an analogue clock next to the speedometer. Drive and tell the time? Just don’t let it all go to your head.

This XR2’s a seriously sexy disco lady, and with an opening bid of only £250.00, just how wrong can you go?

The Ford Fiesta Mark 2. A car for the Air Jordan generation. Word.

[story by Chris Laverty]

Bob Geldof has got typically angry at people using eBay to sell their Live 8 tickets for profit. It seems that no matter what he tries to do, it always backfires.

Bob Geldof wants to send fleets of boats across the channel to pick up
continental protesters, but it’s made angry people worry about immigrants. He plans a series of big free Live 8 concerts to help African poverty, then fills them full of doddery old musicians. He tries to give the Live 8 tickets away as a gesture of goodwill, but people try and sell them on eBay. And by jove, he’s had enough.

Speaking for Live 8, Geldof raged at eBay. "I am sick with this. The people who are selling it are miserable wretches but far worse is the corporate culture which capitalises on people’s misery".

To be fair, he’s got a point. Ticket touts are a pain in the arse.
At least on eBay they’re not shrieking "Joy Zipper tickets! Buying and
selling!" at ear-cracking volume outside Shepherds Bush tube station
when you’re in a hurry, but the principle’s the same.

However, just because there are a few greedy people who want to make some
money from Live 8 on eBay, it doesn’t mean that eBay itself is evil. In
fact, you can buy a whole load of crazy crap there. Like these fine, fine items…

MICHAEL JACKSON NOT GUILTY TOAST! – A man made some toast the morning before the Michael Jackson verdict was read out. And eerily, one piece had the words ‘Not Guilty’ written on it, and the other had a sort of weird looking face and the word ‘YEAH’. And now it’s been put up for sale.

There’s a week left on the toast, and the current price is $5.50. What are you waiting for? Bid on the toast!

ADVERTISE ON THE WORLD’S UGLIEST CAT!
- There’s a cat. An ugly cat with no hair. Called Wormy. Wormy gets
cold. You can pay to advertise your company or product on T-shirts and
sweaters that the Wormy will wear. For five years. Why would you want
to do this? Well, "he is the face of the future".

There are 9 days left to buy this piece of cat advertising history, but you have to part with $15,000 for the privilege. Bid on Wormy the ugly hairless cat!

CELEBRITY AIR! – The air that celebrities breathe is clean
and pure and nutritious. The air you breathe is dirty and squalid. All
celebrities, even the crap ones on Celebrity Love Island, are a thousand times better than you could ever even imagine yourself to be.

So why not spend your slave money on a jar of air that’s been close to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
That’s right, someone got close to them and put their air in a jar. And
you can buy that jar. And call it your ’special jar’. And show all your
friends. Even though you know that if Angelina Jolie had a jar of your
air, she’d be far too embarrassed to show to any of her fabulous
friends.

There are six days left to buy the jar of air, and the current price is $67.66. Bid on the celebrity air!

We’re not sure what our point was. Something about Live 8, we think.

[story by Stuart Heritage]