This week’s Creased or Folded is FESTIVELY called Creased or Christmas. This week, things that are bad are creased (as usual) and things that are folded are Christmas. It’s really that simple.

Christmas

• Massive Surcharges are going and Michael O’Leary is said to have spat out his breakfast smoothie of liquidised Euros.
• Rare Clouds! It’s not difficult to see the good people at Volkswagen scrabbling around their desks for a pen when they see these.
• The Daily Mail – This is both the best and worst story you’ll ever read. It comes from the future… obviously.
• The BT Ads – They’re going away! Hi-diddle-hi-hi. Good news all round!
• Christmas – Have a good one, yeah?

Creased

• Piers Morgan‘s face, demeanour and attitude towards other people in the world.
• Christmas – Have a crap one, okay? If you celebrate something else at this time of year then enjoy that instead. You can’t have both. Greedy.

There’s no more bad news. It’s almost Christmas, for Christ’s sake (geddit?) (sorry).

Your weekly round up of the news with more swearing and less sense of purpose.

Creased = Bad. Folded = Good. Sometimes clarification is the spice of life.

Folded

• Donald Glover – *blissfully ignores Pitchfork’s review*
• All I Want For Christmas Is… Err – Mariah Carey is http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-16073499.
• Hurricane Bawbag – The best named hurricane since Ophelia, the Southern Belle. Of course, it wasn’t a real hurricane. It’s called hyperbole, folks.
• Twitter’s Redesign – Isn’t it wonderful?!

Creased

• Twitter’s Redesign – Isn’t it total shit?! We don’t actually know, we haven’t seen it yet.
• Virginia Tech – What’s wrong with that place?
• Toy Wars - Pedantry abounds on The Guardian.
• Who Is The Girl On The Schools Crossing Sign? – Who gives a flying monkey’s anus?

Diversify or Die?

Folded

• Become a Spy! – Seriously…
• The Killing – Having a hard time working it out? Well, no longer with this handy guide which will help you through the colloquialisms and references. Perhaps you might want to move to Denmark by the end of it as you’ll be such an aficionado of the culture.
• Hasselhoff Is Off - No more Hoff Hassling on Britain’s Got Talent. The unfortunate trade-off of which being that Simon Cowell is coming back. Lock up Sinitta!
• Could Clarkson Get Sacked? – Regardless of your opinion about his comments on The One Show (shame on you for watching it, by the way), the idea that he could get sacked will come as good news to anyone who wants to see him presenting his own version of The Wright Stuff on Channel 5. What would it be called? Answers on a postcard…
• Abraham Lincoln – No, we’re not just really behind the times with this but those in the UK should have a look at this reappraisal of the man. It makes you question the very fabric of everything we know about America. Or does it? Seriously, watch it and find out for yourself you lazy sod.

Creased

• Star Wars Prequels – They could have been so much better.
• Tory Council – WE WILL NOT ASSOCIATE WITH EUROPE!
• RBS - Hang on, they owned a pub chain?!
• A Green Day Musical – Sure, we didn’t mind it existing but now it’s coming to the UK? This must not be allowed.
• The Passing of Gary Speed – Much as it isn’t our place to comment, the passing of a bona fide footballing legend is always something that will completely and utterly creased.

Punchdrunk or Lovesick?

Folded

• Adam Farmer drew a lovely picture of Chris Brown for us. You should really see it. Stop thinking about his penis.
• Phoenix Square – Everywhere needs a zombie contingency plan.
• Soviet Anti-Drinking Posters – Temperance is not something that we should be laughing at people.
• World War II - It wasn’t folded in any way. In fact, it was very, very creased but these photographs from the years preceding the war are still interesting.

Creased

• Shit London – Being the bitter lot that we are, most of us here in the hecklerspray bedsit think That London’s pretty shit as a rule but here is the “proof”.
• Jamie Oliver – Shut up, we’re all bored. And wear a tie, you’re on the BBC for fuck’s sake.
• Q – Now he’s young and hip. Like the James Bond films. Can’t we just have a zombie Desmond Llewelyn? It’s the only way we’re going to be happy.
• The Manor Reborn – Seriously? What the hell is this?

Accept or Deny?

Folded

• Space, the Final Fron- oh, you’ve probably seen the timelapse video from the International Space Station already but just in case you haven’t, here it is again.
• Ferenc Puskas – You’ve probably not heard of him unless you’re into football (if you’re not, jump to the next item) but if you’re a fan of the great man then you might appreciate this article from The Guardian which proves he was a bloody nice chap too.
• Zombies – If you believe they’re a possibility then you’re an idiot but, in fairness, there is a shop that will cater to your warped delusions.
• Minimalism and superheroes usually go together like Piers Morgan and a sense of perspective but fortunately, this humorous print shows that when it’s done right, it’s ace.

Creased

• Demi Moore is divorcing Ashton Kutcher! Oh no! Now they’re going to be in the papers all the time when it’s blatantly obvious that no-one cares.
• Sepp Blatter – “I’m sorry I’m a racist but I’m staying because I have to work on eradicating ethnic minorities from the game.” That’s obviously not a direct quote but… it could have been.
• David Cameron - Can’t run the country, can’t do an Australian accent, can’t look like anything other than melted playdoh even when stuffed into a dinner suit. Is there anything the man can do? Well, obviously there is but he’s still got a piss-poor Aussie accent.
• Water Bottle Cannon – This is only creased because we happened to imagine what it must be like to take a blast from this to the stomach. Still, it knocks down walls. Respect your water cooler!
• The History of Emoticons – When words aren’t good enough, why not draw a little picture to express how you feel?

Cooked or Booked?

Folded

• “And the award for ‘best’ constructed reality television show goes to…” – BAFTA baffle us with new award.
• Gotham City Imposters - It’s coming in January and it’s probably going to be really, really good.
• Paul Weller thinks that the Stone Roses reformed for money. Ouch.
• Morgan Freeman - Sure, he’s been in some right duds but that doesn’t make him any less great.
• Gary Barlow – For having a conscience about that poor little coke-addled lad.

Creased

• Syco – For not.
• The Murdochs – Just a reminder.
• I’m A Celebrity…! – No you fucking well are not.
• The Keith Lemon Movie – God, no. Please. Anything but that. OH GODDDDDDDD!
• Twitter commentaries of things that are actually taking place on twitter. If people actually gave a fuck, they’d be watching it unfold themselves.

Runned or Gunned?

Folded

• Dream Themes – Here they are performing some lovely themes at the Frank Sidebottom fundraiser.
• A History Of Film – Ever wondered what classic films would be like starring Keith Chegwin? Ponder no longer.
• Gink – It could be the future of Social Netbloinking. Or… not.
• The Brazilian Police – No fucking about there.
• Heineken Flashmobs – Aside from the fact that this video is a massive reacharound of biblical proportions for the smug advertising insiders, it’s still pretty good and something we missed at the time.

Creased

• Westlife – They’re going to perform at Children In Need despite saying they’ve split up. Keep your promises, you saccharine sacks of shite.
• Herman Cain – The poor, deluded, wonderful bastard just can’t keep his hands to himself. Fancy $45k? Just get within arse-grabbing distance of this presidential nutbag.
• 007 Skyfall – Yes, the new James Bond film has a title that will either see a giant, inexplicable “space laser” or Daniel Craig sitting around crying into a pair of Eva Green’s dirty pants. Still, surely it can’t be worse than Quantum of Solace. Can it?
• Respiratory Science - People really get grants for this kind of thing.
• Worldwide Finance – Naturally.

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Snap or Cracklenpop?

Folded

• Justin Bieber has picture taken with fans – It’s brilliant.
• We live in a marvellous, brilliant world. Why? People make things like a Nefertitti headpiece made from Yak’s nipples. Marvellous!
• Bobby Ball! – He’s on twitter! ROCK ON!
• Pampered son of dreary rock star gets book thrown at him – Oh boo and bloody hoo.
• So, the media want to bother hippies by thermal imaging their ‘empty tents’? – Here comes a cheeky hippie to disprove a few things. Well done hippie!

Creased

• Turtles – They’ll attack you and try and make you die.
• Victoria Beckham Solo! – Posh Spice didn’t have much to do in the Spice Girls. In fact, her entire singing output in FIVE WHOLE years was just shy of 9 minutes. SEE. Poor shit.
• You get aroused and embarrassed easily. Someone wants to exploit this and make it worse with clothes designed to thoroughly embarrass you by vanishing while you die inside.
• Twitter – Some people. Still RTing the Big Ben account. Go die.
• Awards ceremonies? – They’re not all classy joints like the one we won prizes at. Dwarves and heckling anyone?

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Doubled or Quit?

Folded

• Mobile Phones – They won’t give you brain cancer! Hurrah! Well… they might.
• A History Of Ancient Britain – Neil Oliver tells us about the Iron Age while holding up the jaws of our ancestors. Marvellous!
• Rich Johnston – We’re going to bring down the government with a He-Man sword! Oh, wait. Hang on. Well… we can try!
• Poor Hollywood Geography – This is the kind of pedantry we condone.
• Star Wars – It’s coming to TV!

Creased

• Star Wars - It’s coming to TV!
• Why Don’t Public Institutions Allow Folding Bikes?! – Wait… no-one gives a fuck.
• Zombie Gameboy – Sure, it’s cool and all but it’s not going to stop us having nightmares.
• Blanket Media Coverage of a Corpse – All right, we get it. He is not sleepeth, he is very dead.
• Editor Mof’s Face - There’s a Tumblr full of it and if that’s not creased, we don’t know what is.

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Pumped or Trumped?

Folded

• People who vote for us in the Cosmo Blog Awards.
• Tweeting In The Commons – It’s only a matter of time until someone calls Cameron a ‘preening shite hawk’.
• BT & Talk Talk – Fighting the Digital Economy Bill. On yourselves!
• Formula 1 – Using Andrew Benson’s BBC Blog, you can watch old episodes of Grand Prix presented by Mumbly Talker himself. Wonderful!
• BBC Ripper Drama – It could be great… it could be awful. That’s the risk you run.

Creased

• People who don’t vote for us in the Cosmo Blog Awards.
• Hilary Swank In Chechnya – We don’t object to this on a human rights basis. It just looks like a really awful party.
• Family Guy – Right. Let’s just stop, okay?
• Road Sign Quiz - We imagine that the Guardian office was awash with laughter during the creation of this quiz until one nonplussed intern stated; “It’s a bit shit though, isn’t it?”
• An Australian Reception – A less necessary thing, you have never seen.

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Suited or Booted?

Folded

• R.I.P. Steve Jobs – There’s nothing wrong with being snarky but let’s remember this sort of thing.
• US Network Drama – Or rather, why it’s rubbish.
• Movie Posters - If they told the truth, this is probably what they’d say.
• When Bad Films Happen To Good Actors – There’s not a lot of arguing with Shortlist’s exhaustive list.
• Kismot Killer Curry – A curry that hospitalises the people who eat it? Where do we sign up?

Creased

• Celebrity Reporters Are Like Political Correspondents – Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh… wait a minute.
• Movie Stars Are Vampires?! – No, they’re not. Especially not John Travolta. He’s an alien. D’uh.
• If Walls Could Talk – If you’ve got a Smeg fridge, an Aga and a middle class superiority complex then this show is for you. Although hearing Lucy Worsley say ‘wrought’ and ‘proliferation’ is worth the license fee alone.
• Steampunk – Ruined by Wild Wild West & the impending release of The Three Musketeers, you can buy these Star Wars interpretations. If you want. No pressure.
• The Human Centipede II – It’s a video nasty! No, it’s not.

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REEM or D*REAM?

Folded

• The X-Men Guide To Puberty – Thank god. How would we ever have coped without it?
• Rihanna’s Been Censored – OH GOD NO!!!!
• Who Is Football’s Biggest Tit? – Andy Dawson asks the question on everyone’s lips.
• Will Self – Would anyone ever be able to live on without seeing him wearing a leopard print smok?
• This Is Satire – Bear that in mind.

Creased

• Flaming Lips Do It In A Human Skull – Yes… okay… right…
• David Beckham – Send the poet your bloody boots!
• Southwest Airlines – Sometimes they do fun stuff like throwing Billie-Joe Armstrong off a plane and then sometimes they do this.
• Flying Carpet! – Well, it’s not really that impressive, is it?
• Sylvia Robertson – Not her. The fact that she passed away.

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Cosmo or Compo?

Folded

• Vote ‘Spray! - We’re nominated for a Cosmopolitan Blog Award and sure, usually we’re not interested in accolades but… well… actually… yeah. We’re total award whores. Vote for us under the ‘Celebrity’ category. Go now… go on… we’ll wait.
• Stickman – Draw a stickman and follow a wonderful little story through to its logical conclusion.
• The Best Video Ever – Sure, it might be cruel but you can’t say it’s not bloody impressive.
• X Factor USA – Knowing full well that our very own Sophie Hall has the UK version of the show locked down over here, The Guardian have taken it upon themselves to make ex-Hecklerspray Ed Stuart Heritage liveblog the US version. Check his twitter for the links and whatnot.
• Cab Calloway - Here’s a picture. Why not?

Creased

• Skimming Off The Top - Just how do you end up with a bill of £16 for a muffin?
• Crack Pipe Show n’ Tell – Is it creased or is it hilarious?
• VOLTRON! – It’s coming back as a comic… for no good reason.
• Dark Shadows – Tim Burton has done it again. Wait… where Hele- oh, there she is.
• The Death Penalty – Well… duh.

By the way… remember…

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Art School or Smart Fool?

Folded

• The Pomegranate – The best phone ever made?
• Smash Google - Have you ever wanted to mangle Google for no other reason than the fact that you’re a violent sociopath? Well now you can!
• The Perry Bible Fellowship – A wonderful web comic that we’d all-but forgotten about.
• Slutwalk Photos – We’re suckers for a pithy placard.
• Alan Partridge On Twitter – No, seriously.

Creased

• BBC News - hecklerspray posted Scarlett Johansson’s naked pictures at 10.15am. Still, they like our pals at Holy Moly better than us.
• Texas Death Row – Regardless of your opinion of the death penalty, this makes for pretty chilling reading.
• Prada - Cutting edge of fashion or a hideous 1950s’ prosthetic leg? You decide.
• Glenn Beck TV – SOMETIMES SHOUTING AT PEOPLE ON TV ISN’T ENOUGH! LET’S ALL LEARN TO HATE ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL!
• Tatooine – It’s not quite as exciting now that they’ve found it.

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Expand or Contract?

Folded

• McFly Air Mags – No, not the rubbish popstrels. Marty McFly’s trainers from Back To The Future II EXIST.
• Fictional Products - In response to Marty’s Air Mags, Editor Mof has laid down the gauntlet to our readers, asking you what you’d like to see made reality.
• DeVitomon! – Ever wondered what Danny DeVito would look like as Pikachu? Don’t panic…
• Zero Punctuation – This week, The Escapist’s resident ranter shouts at Deus Ex: Human Revolution which is bloody wonderful.
• hecklerspray on Vimeo - Forgive us for blowing our own trumpet but we’ve finally got our act together and got our arses onto Vimeo. So, every time we make a stupid little video of some guy with an attitude problem or a fat hipster pretending to kick the bucket, you can see it there.

Creased

• Artificial Intelligence – It always just ends up like our postbag. Full of putrid semantics.
• Coventry Telegraph – Their ‘Star Words’ section is the single biggest waste of a click in human history.
• Two & A Half Men – Apparently it’s scaring Ashton Kutcher. We have an idea. Don’t go through with it!
• 364 – Sounds like it could be a good concept but also sounds crushingly tedious.
• Richard Archer (of Hard-Fi) vs. Mark Lawrenson - We were disappointed to find out that it’s not actually a fight.