From the category archives:

Badvertising

Badvertising: Dita Von Teese’s Wonderbra Commercial

by David Schwartz

It’s amazing what computers can do nowadays.
They can help us conquer space, cure disease and, according to this Wonderbra commercial, can even turn attractive, blonde scientist girls into strippers – all thanks to the ‘science of sexy’ or something. Which we’re sure you’ll agree is exactly what science grants should be spent on.

At least, we think that is what it is supposed to mean. To be honest, we were slightly distracted by the sight of Dita von Teese prancing around in her underwear.

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Badvertising – Cadbury’s Gorilla

by Matthew Laidlow

When you advertise something, you normally put the product in a situation where it looks like the best thing in the world. When selling a car, it’ll normally be tagged as the best because it’s the fastest or most eco-friendly or most full of pointless gadgetry.

With food products, the adverts will usually end with a fat child licking one of their seven chins and giving the thumbs up to the camera. Cadbury’s has decided not to do this. Instead, they’ve dedicated 90 seconds to a man in a gorilla suit who drums along to a Phil Collins song. What connects a gorilla, Phil Collins and a bar of chocolate is beyond us. A year on, we still don’t get it.

Did Phil Collins control a gorilla army to make bars of chocolate? We bloody hope not – the health and safety people will be all over them. The only person winning in all of this is the irritating baldy drummer Phil Collins himself. Every time that advert got shown, he got paid. He’ll literally be sitting on a thrown made out of chocolate and laughing like an idiot as he shaves a gorilla and attempts to make a wig out of it’s hair. You heard us. Literally.

Where’s The Ultimate Warrior when you need him?

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Badvertising: Safestyle UK

by Stuart Heritage

You know how adverts for expensive perfume are bewilderingly oblique to the point that you often spend up to 30 minutes afterwards scratching your head and wondering what you’d just watched?

That feeling isn’t just limited to perfume commercials, you know. The Safestyle double glazing TV adverts have been running on and off for years, and yet every time one of them is broadcast we find ourselves quivering in the foetal position trying to chew our own shoulder off afterwards because we just can’t work any of it out.

In short, the Safestyle ad is a commercial so confusing that this is the only logical conversation that could have possibly taken place at the advertising brainstorming meeting:

Safestyle executive: “OK, so the benefits of double glazing are clear to everyone – noise reduction, heat insulation, security – and we’d also like to highlight some of our financial incentives as well. Any ideas?”

Advertiser: “Yes! Why don’t we find a obnoxious, self-consciously wacky bald man who looks like he’s from Narnia and makes Barry Scott look like the world’s finest Shakespearean actor, dress him up like a Medieval time-traveller from the future and make him walk around the world’s cheapest set destroying your own products and bellowing at the viewers in a way that’s virtually guaranteed to offend all of them into never using your company for anything?”

Safestyle executive: “Well, um, that’s not really…”

Advertiser: “I saved your life, John. Remember? In the war? I dragged your injured body to safety through minefields and machine gun fire. You said you were forever indebted to me. Remember that?”

Safestyle executive: “Oh, alright then.”

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Badvertising – Next Clothing

by Matthew Laidlow

Hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahaha ha ha.

Wow, seriously, can you see what the music department did here? Seriously, you can’t? Well let us explain it to you just in case you’ve had a momentary brain lapse.

Next is a UK fashion chain which went through a ropey patch before reinventing itself as a hip, trendy clothing brand for the modern MILF. Now, because of this, the songs in its adverts need to be up to date and modern. Of course, happy-go-lucky head-nodding indie toss is all the rage, so why not use Scouting For Girls?

The lyrics go “she’s so lovely” and – wow, guess what – the models in the advert try to come across as looking fairly lovely! Wasn’t there a more blatantly overdescriptive song they could have used? It would be like using the I Kissed A Girl song in a lesbian porn film. Because you know, that’s what they’d be doing.

Forgive us as we strut off to Saturday Night by Whigfield. Every day is a Saturday night to us. Though we don’t dress up as a ropey blonde in the video. Not yet anyway.

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Badvertising: Mr Sprigg’s Barbeque

by C J Davies

R&B is sexier than any other musical genre.

Think about it – you ain’t gonna have much luck pulling the laydeez with your swept-haircut indie or your monocle-wearing classical or your no-one-really-likes-it-anyway jazz fusion. The most immediate way to make yourself attractive is to give yourself a smooth backing track full of ‘woah-oh’s and ‘mmmmm-baby-yeah’s.

This is something advertisers have been quick to latch onto. You can make virtually any product sleek and super-fine by associating it with a laid-back groove and harmonious vocalstylings. Right? Right? Eh? Are we right or are we right? We’re right. We always are.

Oh – apart from the commercial for Mr. Sprigg’s Barbeque.

This is … well … more just weird.

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Jerry Seinfeld Removes His Last Flake of Credibility. The Cost? $10 Million.

by Ian Dransfield

Jerry Seinfeld hasn’t really had to do much since his sitcom finished all those years ago. Still ranked by many as the ‘funniest thing ever’ and ‘really, really good’ and earning a hell of a lot of money for the people involved in it, Jerry Seinfeld obviously thought he could rest easy. At least until [...]

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Badvertising: Confused.com

by Matthew Laidlow

We’re all for equality and making sure everyone is treated the same. Don’t believe us? Then ask Pablo, our Mexican cleaner. Every day for his services for removing coffee stains and rancid mustard from our desks, he receives a shiny coin or a slice of pie. People who have previously called us ‘cruel heartless bastards’ [...]

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Badvertising: Watch Naked Eva Mendes Advert Banned From TV

by David Schwartz

It’s just typical. You finally get an advert worth watching – and then it gets banned. US TV network bosses have deemed Eva Mendes’ advert for Calvin Klein Secret Obsession perfume – in which she writhes around naked on her bed – as too hot for TV. Bloody squares. OK, so you can see a [...]

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Wayne Rooney Chosen to Give Bread a New Scummy Image

by Matthew Laidlow

If there’s proof that footballers will sell themselves out for any sort of product, we’ve found it. Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various [...]

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Badvertising – Japanese Fanta

by Matthew Laidlow

Really, this advert makes no sense at all. Does it mean that if you purchase a bottle of Fanta, you have the ability to destroy islands with the power of sugary orange-flavoured water? We guess so. Leaders of dictatorial states like Zimbabwe and America take note, a weapon of mass destruction is right under your [...]

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