Features
When Hollywood Remakes Go RIGHT!
There’s something rather amazing about Nicolas Cage films. It’s not that he can’t act – although, seriously, we’re not sure that he can – it’s more that you simply don’t know whether you’re going to spend the last few moments of the credits shouting furiously at the screen and simulating over-the-top air rabbit punches, or hugging everyone else in the cinema, because you’ve just shared a moment together. A wonderful wonderful moment. A moment that could end in sex. High points in his career include: Con Air, Wild at Heart, Leaving Las Vegas, The Rock, Vampire’s Kiss, and Adaptation. Whilst crippling, “let’s brick up this picture house!”, low points can be found after watching Snake Eyes, World Trade Centre, Ghost Rider, or, especially, The Wicker Man – a film which must surely rank as the worst remake of all time. There isn’t another actor on the planet capable of such a movie-going lottery. He’s either excellent, or shit. There is nothing in between. Well, the good news filtering through the grapevine is that he’s magnificent in the upcoming remake of Bad Lieutenant – which, remember, was a 1992 film, starring Harvey Keitel, about a really bad lieutenant. He was a horrible lieutenant in fact. They should really have called it Horrible Lieutenant. Anyway, with this great news singing in our ears, we thought we’d celebrate a cluster of remakes that were definitely better than the originals…
There’s something rather amazing about Nicolas Cage films. It’s not that he can’t act – although, seriously, we’re not sure that he can – it’s more that you simply don’t know whether you’re going to spend the last few moments of the credits shouting furiously at the screen and simulating over-the-top air rabbit punches, or hugging everyone else in the cinema, because you’ve just shared a moment together. A wonderful wonderful moment. A moment that could end in sex. High points in his career include: Con Air, Wild at Heart, Leaving Las Vegas, The Rock, Vampire’s Kiss, and Adaptation. Whilst crippling, “let’s brick up this picture house!”, low points can be found after watching Snake Eyes, World Trade Centre, Ghost Rider, or, especially, The Wicker Man – a film which must surely rank as the worst remake of all time. There isn’t another actor on the planet capable of such a movie-going lottery. He’s either excellent, or shit. There is nothing in between. Well, the good news filtering through the grapevine is that he’s magnificent in the upcoming remake of Bad Lieutenant – which, remember, was a 1992 film, starring Harvey Keitel, about a really bad lieutenant. He was a horrible lieutenant in fact. They should really have called it Horrible Lieutenant. Anyway, with this great news singing in our ears, we thought we’d celebrate a cluster of remakes that were definitely better than the originals…
4 More Terrible X Factor Decisions Revealed!
Oh yeah, everyone’s gone crazy bananas ever since Simon Cowell allowed the public to cast Lucie Jones back to her dreary Welsh village, where she can forever plat people’s hair, and regale them with tales about the time she wore razor-cut denim, and sung a song that no one had ever heard of. “I’m sorry, but who the hell are you?” they will ask. “I’m Lucie Jones,” she will declare, standing up from her seat, imagining the warmth of a spotlight once again caressing her stupid Welsh face. “Lucie Jones, the lonely girl from Wales, who went on to national fame and stardom… for about a month.” She’ll then either start frenziedly hacking at her own arms, or take up board and lodgings in whichever dumpster Shane Ward and Leon Jackson have now decided to call home. The point being that it doesn’t matter one jot that Cowell saved those turdish Irish twins at the weekend. Like the rest of them, fast forward a few months, and they will be touching themselves for coins in some rancid little corner of the internet. This is an early-evening variety show - Leona Lewis and JLS aside, it doesn’t produce actual stars. So everyone should just shut up. Plus it’s not the first time that the important X Factor judges/general public have cocked things up anyway. Read on, and we’ll tell you some more…
Oh yeah, everyone’s gone crazy bananas ever since Simon Cowell allowed the public to cast Lucie Jones back to her dreary Welsh village, where she can forever plat people’s hair, and regale them with tales about the time she wore razor-cut denim, and sung a song that no one had ever heard of. “I’m sorry, but who the hell are you?” they will ask. “I’m Lucie Jones,” she will declare, standing up from her seat, imagining the warmth of a spotlight once again caressing her stupid Welsh face. “Lucie Jones, the lonely girl from Wales, who went on to national fame and stardom… for about a month.” She’ll then either start frenziedly hacking at her own arms, or take up board and lodgings in whichever dumpster Shane Ward and Leon Jackson have now decided to call home. The point being that it doesn’t matter one jot that Cowell saved those turdish Irish twins at the weekend. Like the rest of them, fast forward a few months, and they will be touching themselves for coins in some rancid little corner of the internet. This is an early-evening variety show - Leona Lewis and JLS aside, it doesn’t produce actual stars. So everyone should just shut up. Plus it’s not the first time that the important X Factor judges/general public have cocked things up anyway. Read on, and we’ll tell you some more…
The Twilight Dildo And Other Horrors Of Design & Engineering
If you're going insert a foreign body into yourself, surely you wouldn't want to use something that can only be associated with visceral terror, right? Wrong, apparently. As a response to my heartfelt criticism of Twilight, someone sent me this link to what appears to be a dildo based on what Edward's junk might look like. It's after the jump, so proceed with caution...
If you're going insert a foreign body into yourself, surely you wouldn't want to use something that can only be associated with visceral terror, right? Wrong, apparently. As a response to my heartfelt criticism of Twilight, someone sent me this link to what appears to be a dildo based on what Edward's junk might look like. It's after the jump, so proceed with caution...
What Should Chris Brown Do Next? Discussed
Chris Brown, the R&B singer, is unsure of how he is perceived by his fans. We know this, because that’s what he said in an interview. Do they still love him for his music? Or have his tender sex songs lost a little bit of their appeal since he decided to practice Kung Fu on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna’s beautiful face? Yeah, it’s a concern, isn’t it Chris? Unfortunately, sensual declarations of love to a backing track do tend to sound a bit watery, once you know that beneath the gargantuan teeth, and the promises of a better future, beats the thumping heart of a maniac just seconds away from a red mist. Sneeze at the wrong moment, and he might come at you with a brick. Still, all is not lost for Chris Brown. Using some templates from other famous people who have been unmasked for dodgy wrong-doings, here are a few paths that he could choose to tread...
Chris Brown, the R&B singer, is unsure of how he is perceived by his fans. We know this, because that’s what he said in an interview. Do they still love him for his music? Or have his tender sex songs lost a little bit of their appeal since he decided to practice Kung Fu on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna’s beautiful face? Yeah, it’s a concern, isn’t it Chris? Unfortunately, sensual declarations of love to a backing track do tend to sound a bit watery, once you know that beneath the gargantuan teeth, and the promises of a better future, beats the thumping heart of a maniac just seconds away from a red mist. Sneeze at the wrong moment, and he might come at you with a brick. Still, all is not lost for Chris Brown. Using some templates from other famous people who have been unmasked for dodgy wrong-doings, here are a few paths that he could choose to tread...
Win Two Tickets To The Canary Islands Now!
We've been running a lot of competitions lately, and they've all been doozies. But this one might just be the dooziest. You see, today we're giving away two flights to the Canary Islands. Not a DVD of a flight, not tickets to see the flight in concert - two actual flights that will literally take you all the way to the Canary Islands. And back again. We've been given the prize by Canary Islands Tourism, and if we had any fewer scruples than we actually do, we'd fix it so that we could win. But we won't. Competition details after the jump...
We've been running a lot of competitions lately, and they've all been doozies. But this one might just be the dooziest. You see, today we're giving away two flights to the Canary Islands. Not a DVD of a flight, not tickets to see the flight in concert - two actual flights that will literally take you all the way to the Canary Islands. And back again. We've been given the prize by Canary Islands Tourism, and if we had any fewer scruples than we actually do, we'd fix it so that we could win. But we won't. Competition details after the jump...
Win A Signed Copy Of Tekken 6 Now, Please
Now this is a prize. Everyone knows how much Tekken rules. It beats Mortal Kombat. It bitch-slaps Virtua Fighter. It dumps on the chest of Street Fighter. And now Tekken 6 is out, which is beyond wonderful. But what could make the release of Tekken 6 more wonderful? How about a competition where you can win an Xbox 360 copy of Tekken 6 that's been signed by the game's director Harada-San plus a selection of nonspecific Tekken 6 merchandise? Good. After the jump, innit.
Now this is a prize. Everyone knows how much Tekken rules. It beats Mortal Kombat. It bitch-slaps Virtua Fighter. It dumps on the chest of Street Fighter. And now Tekken 6 is out, which is beyond wonderful. But what could make the release of Tekken 6 more wonderful? How about a competition where you can win an Xbox 360 copy of Tekken 6 that's been signed by the game's director Harada-San plus a selection of nonspecific Tekken 6 merchandise? Good. After the jump, innit.
Six Terrifying Movies To Watch This Halloween
Ahhh, is there any greater feeling than cuddling up to the woman/man that you love, watching a frightening movie on DVD, then spending the rest of the evening in a cold sweat, convinced that if you fall asleep - even for a second - they will start surgically taking you apart with a razor blade? This weekend it's Halloween, which means that a large portion of young people will dress up like dicks, and go around the streets badgering people for sweets, whilst others will go to parties dressed as orcs, and a very small percentage will kill for the first time. If you don't fit into any of those categories, perhaps you should spend the night in watching one of these six chillers? (we were going to do 666, but decided that six would just about cover it).
Ahhh, is there any greater feeling than cuddling up to the woman/man that you love, watching a frightening movie on DVD, then spending the rest of the evening in a cold sweat, convinced that if you fall asleep - even for a second - they will start surgically taking you apart with a razor blade? This weekend it's Halloween, which means that a large portion of young people will dress up like dicks, and go around the streets badgering people for sweets, whilst others will go to parties dressed as orcs, and a very small percentage will kill for the first time. If you don't fit into any of those categories, perhaps you should spend the night in watching one of these six chillers? (we were going to do 666, but decided that six would just about cover it).
Look Kids, It’s Some Hollywood Stars Doing Panto!
For those who don't know what Panto is, it's like a really rowdy play at the theatre, where babies are allowed to weep hysterically throughout, old men have permission to shout racist slurs at the soap opera actors, most of whom casually blurt out crudely masked sexual references in front of an auditorium mainly comprising eight-year-olds. As is befitting such a glorious show, Panto season coincides with Christmas. The big news this year is that Pamela Anderson will be taking part in a production of Aladdin - she's playing the genie. The results of this have been twofold. Firstly, the audience will feel a shift in the child-to-adult ratio, with a slew of horny fathers wiping sweat from their top lips, as Pammie makes some clumsy reference to her tits. And secondly, it could mark the beginning of a Hollywood Panto season takeover. In years to come we might have De Niro playing Buttons in whichever panto it is that features Buttons. We also think that Ed Norton could really shine as Dick Whittington. But, until then, let's bask in some of the big names from over the pond who have already lit up these so-called Pantomimes...
For those who don't know what Panto is, it's like a really rowdy play at the theatre, where babies are allowed to weep hysterically throughout, old men have permission to shout racist slurs at the soap opera actors, most of whom casually blurt out crudely masked sexual references in front of an auditorium mainly comprising eight-year-olds. As is befitting such a glorious show, Panto season coincides with Christmas. The big news this year is that Pamela Anderson will be taking part in a production of Aladdin - she's playing the genie. The results of this have been twofold. Firstly, the audience will feel a shift in the child-to-adult ratio, with a slew of horny fathers wiping sweat from their top lips, as Pammie makes some clumsy reference to her tits. And secondly, it could mark the beginning of a Hollywood Panto season takeover. In years to come we might have De Niro playing Buttons in whichever panto it is that features Buttons. We also think that Ed Norton could really shine as Dick Whittington. But, until then, let's bask in some of the big names from over the pond who have already lit up these so-called Pantomimes...
