DEAR DENNIS

In which hecklerspray's resident agony uncle Dennis Norden solves your problems. Having trouble and don't know where to turn? Send your questions to Dennis at the usual email address.

Dear Dennis,

I know this may sound a little odd, but I think I have serious intimacy issues. I'm with a guy at the moment - the longest relationship I've ever had - and he's always complaining that he just can't get close to me. It feels like I've got no confidence. I don't reach out to hold his hand as we're walking down the street because I'm still scared he'll reject me, just like all the other men in my life.

Please, please, please tell me what you think I should do. I know I have problems and I don't want to lose the man I love because of it. I'm so scared that'll happen. Help!

Caroline, Stratford-Upon-Avon

Dennis Replies:

Gloria Hunniford there, hoping that one day those sound people will learn not to drop the boom-mike on her immaculate hairdo! You know, I've always said that those who work behind the camera are only there because no-one else will employ them! Moving on, let's take a look at this hilarious blooper, in which Grandstand's Des Lynam learns that wearing a tie on a windy outside broadcast is a recipe for disaster!

Yours, Dennis 

In which we celebrate the return of hecklerspray's resident agony uncle Dennis Norden. Take it away, Denster…

Dear Dennis,

I sometimes wonder if there's any point in living. I mean - seriously, take a look at the world we inhabit. Disease, corruption, injustice, famine, heartbreak… the list goes on and on. How can anybody even get up in the morning when they suffer the innate knowledge that our planet is essentially a meaningless bauble, churning through space in a miasma of hellish nothingness?

My wife has suggested that I may be sick… that I should possibly see a doctor, or seek counselling. But I don't know. Sometimes it just seems more tempting to throw myself off a cliff, blissfully letting the pain soar out of me as I shatter on the jagged rocks below.

Can you help me? Please? Is there anything that you can say that could encourage me within my darkest hour?

Simon, Gloucester

Dennis replies:

Victoria Wood there, having a few problems with her piano - proof, if proof be needed, that even the most consummate professionals often have trouble with their toolbox! Now, just take a look at this howler from EastEnders, in which grand old lady of the square Dot Cotton discovers that - just when you think things are going well - there's nearly always a drink just waiting to be spilled!

Do you have any problems you'd like Dennis's advice on? You know where to send 'em… 

Dear Dennis,

I think I’m falling apart. I’m so desperately lonely and tired. My love life is a mess - no woman will even look at me. My career is a joke and I feel like a failure. Every night I pray my torment will end. I’m so unhappy. Can you please help? Please?

John, Northampton

Dennis replies:

I’ve always said that in the land of cock-ups, the man with a nearby script assistant is king! Now take a look at Martin Clunes in this assortment from the cutting room floor, which shows that - in the already unpredictable world of acting - even a mobile phone can cause all sorts of havoc!

Dear Dennis,

Last week me and my boyfriend Dave were out drinking with his best mate, Rob. We all had way too much to drink and Dave and me ended up getting into a blazing row, with him storming off.

I was really mad and determined that he wasn’t going to spoil my fun as usual, and Rob was up for staying out for a few more. We had a great time talking about Dave and all his shortcomings, it really was the best night out I’d had out in months.

I didn’t really think about it, but I guess me and Rob were flirting a little – after all, he’s a very good-looking guy. He walked me home and I invited him in for a coffee.

Dave was passed out, snoring on the sofa when we got in, so we sat in the kitchen, chatting. One thing lead to another and soon we were making passionate love on top of Dave’s sleeping body.

Now I can’t stop thinking about that stolen night of passion with Rob. I haven’t told Dave but I think he can tell that things aren’t the same. What should I do?

Shelley, Preston

Dear Shelley,

Clive James there proving the old adage that a cock-up in the hand is worth two in the bush. This next bunch of calamitous clunkers, horrendous howlers and blatant blunders prove that you should never work with children or animals – or actors!