Current Affairs

If you’re US presidential candidate John McCain, you probably spend a lot of time strategising your next campaign move. 

You’re also likely to spend even more time strategising your next move in general like, you know, getting up out of a chair and such. The remainder of your time is probably spent watching MTV and keeping up with the latest juice on trashy reality shows like The Hills.  Well, at least that’s what John McCain says he does, sort of. He may just have said something to that effect because one of the characters on The Hills announced her support for John McCain.

And he likes it. He like it good. 

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Hecklerspray has a quick test for you. Try saying the words ‘seal cull hunt’ three times very quickly without using the c-word.

It’s not easy is it? Well, it certainly wasn’t for one poor newsreader on Sky last weekend, who dropped a major clanger by mentioning the c-word live on air during a story about Canada’s annual seal cull. When describing the clubbing to death of seals, he accidentally lets it slip – quite forcibly - what he really thinks about people who cull seals.

Or maybe he just doesn’t like Canadians…or maybe it’s the seals he thinks are cunts.

Anyway, it somehow managed to make a very serious topic into a funny one. Well, they do say Sky are dumbing down the news.

Good spot by The Daily Goss 

Zac Efron has given us an insight into what it’s like to be him.

Zac will be making a welcome return to our cinema screens in the autumn with the third installment of Disney’s High School Musical.

But not before telling us just how great being Zac Efron is. He said:  

"I'm loving it. I'm having a blast. I'm in a good place and really excited to be where I am."

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Madonna has said that she will not vote for Ken Livingston at the upcoming London Mayoral elections.

Madonna, as we all know, is a renegade - in both senses of the word.

Indeed, if you were to google the word 'renegade', the returning results would probably offer little more than a biog of her maverick career, alongside the likes of Jesse James, Billy the Kid and Mel Gibson.

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What do you get if you cross a patriotic British boxing Muslim, a warped owl-faced England hating clerical Muslim, and a Tory MP?

You guessed it; 3 morons.

Let us begin with the warped, owl-faced England-hating clerical Muslim. His name's Omar Bakri Mohammed, he's estimated to be about 50 years old and comes from Syria. Omar, currently exiled in Lebanon after having been deported from the UK for being a rather naughty individual indeed - he once described the 9/11 hijackers as the 'Magnificent 19' (very funny, Omar, but the joke will be on you when you discover that 19 central characters is gonna be tough to cram into 120 pages of script; there's a reason why we in the west chose 7. Well, it was because we stole it off Kurosawa, but that's an entirely different matter, Omar, the point we're getting to follows shortly after these brackets) - has accused Amir Khan of being a prick, basically.

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Chelsea and England football captain John Terry has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.

According to The Sun, John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally outside Pizza Express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours.

So while he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family perused the menu, a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.

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This could be Hillary Clinton's last week of trying to be the next American president, so now's the time to bring out the big guns.

Well, alright - not the big guns exactly. But at least the elderly, debauched, paunchy guns have been wheeled out. And by that we plainly mean Jack Nicholson. 

Ahead of this week's vital Ohio and Texas primaries, Jack Nicholson has put together a campaign video of him in some of his most famous roles to drum up support for Hillary Clinton. And we're sure Jack's pro-Hillary message will get through to the two or three people who saw it and didn't cack themselves at the sight of the drunk-looking, growling, dishevelled jowl-monster who pops up at the end like the obese ghost of your abusive grandfather.

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'One World One Dream' is China's slogan for the 2008 Olympics which, on the face of it, makes their government seem no more harmful than Bono.

And if Bono rang you up and said he wanted you to be artistic advisor for one of his gigs promoting this ‘One World One Dream’ ideal and he’d pay you a lot of money for it, so much so that the shame of working with U2 was totally rescinded, you’d no doubt quickly jump on board and put on one hell of a 3D laser-fest.

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Today is Super Tuesday, which we think is what Americans call Pancake Day.

Not really - every day is Pancake Day if you're American. In fact, Super Tuesday is when everyone decides which person they'd like to think about choosing as the candidate that might possibly end up being the President or something. And all of the candidates need all the help they can get.

Barack Obama knows this, which is why he got The Grateful Dead to reform in a show of support. So at least he's got the wizened old cheesy-toenailed hippy vote sewn up.

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Not everyone, it seems, shared hecklerspray's reaction to the recent Tom Cruise Scientology video (which happened to be a mixture of hilarity and genuine fear, particularly when he burst into the sort of laughter you'd expect from a Lord Of The Rings baddie. Or maybe Xenu himself).

A lot of Hollywood-types are getting mightily annoyed that the media has been poking fun at a pompous, overpaid millionaire with Christ-like delusions of grandeur and eyes so scary they should have their own Japanese horror franchise.

Major US magazine People has rounded up a bunch of celebrities who want to let the whole world - or just soccer moms thumbing through a copy at the checkout - just how goshdarn annoyed they are.

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