Current Affairs

Readers, we can now die and go to heaven - we’ve just seen the most confusing and slightly gut-churning thing we’ll ever see.

It’s a picture of Thomas Beatie - the famous pregnant man from a few months ago - topless, pregnant and flexing his biceps into a mirror. It’s weird. It’s like that scene from American Psycho where Christian Bale is gazing at his muscles in the middle of the threesome, but a few months after he’s managed to get himself pregnant. Weird. Weird.

Why are we telling you this? Because we saw it while reading that Thomas Beatie has got himself pregnant again. Look, we know what you’re thinking - usually one child is enough for a bearded mother of nonspecific gender - but we can totally see his rationale behind getting pregnant again. Now Thomas Beatie’s children will both have someone to cling onto in terror when their parents tell them how they were born.

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During the whole presidential election thing, many people picked up on the small detail that Barack Obama was an African American.

His rival John McCain was not an African American. People claim that some members of the American population would hold this against Mr Obama. Others though would embrace the change and vote for someone who didn’t bang on about a war he was involved in last millennium.

Now, this may have been deliberately kept back from his campaign, but Barack Obama has Irish roots! Granted they are ridiculously diluted with his great-great Grandfather living here, but so what! The UK now has a watered down link with him and it’s all been put in to a song that sounds like it was all improved by a man drunk on Guinness. Enjoy.

Well today’s the day of the great US presidential election. By the time the clock strikes midnight the world will know who exactly will be placing lunch orders from the Oval Office phone pretty much everyday over the course of the next four years.

Now whenever hecklerspray votes for things like this we take it all very seriously. We carefully balance the pros and cons of each party’s candidate, and then typically write-in the name Shamu in whatever space is given for that sort of thing. So far our candidate hasn’t won, which is dumb because orcas are supposed to be wicked smart. C’mon people, its time for a change.

If we were French Canadian we might go about political things differently. Yes, if we were French Canadian we might make our voting-decision by actually talking to each candidate in person over the phone, after we somehow received their actual phone numbers.

That’s what a couple of DJs from up there just did. And, although we never thought we’d say this about anything French Canadian except the overall culture, its actually pretty funny. Take a listen on page #2.

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With Halloween just around the corner we thought we would get into the spirit. Well, come up with the worst villains in horror movie history at least.

If horror movies have taught us anything, it is that we are all sick bastards. Sorry, we mean it tells us that all like to be scared out of our wits. That’s it. We take absolutely no sick pleasure from teenagers being eaten, cut to pieces or burnt alive – it’s all about the thrill of being frightened.

But, of course, the best horror villains don’t tend to be the ones we are afraid of. They are the ones we actually quite like. Unstoppable serial killers, frazzled up kiddie-fiddlers and maniacal dolls are just some of the anti-heroes idolised by horror fans the world over. We just can’t get enough of them, it seems.

Now, if you wanted to really get scared, we suggest you make movies about global warming, nuclear holocaust or John McCain.

Anyway, enjoy.

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Despite the best efforts of Madonna, Pink Floyd and Ewan McGregor clicking his fingers during Live 8 in 2005, poverty still inexplicably exists.

And, as always, where celebrities fail, bloggers are there to clean up the mess. Which explains why today is Blog Action Day, when over 10,000 blogs all take some time to mention poverty in the blind hope that readers will stop looking at videos of cats falling off things for a moment to be preached at by several inert bloggers who haven’t been outside for upwards of six or seven months.

So here goes nothing…

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The US general election is right around the corner, by which we mean that it’s weeks and weeks and weeks away.

But that hasn’t stopped everyone wigging out about it, though. It’s been reported that people are so behind Barack Obama this year that 22.3 million people watched Monday’s Democratic convention speech by his wife, Michelle Obama. 22.3 million people watching a woman basically just bang on about her feelings for ages? That’s impressive. Mental, but impressive.

You can tell from this that things are really gearing up for Barack Obama, and things are definitely falling into place for that fateful day when he inevitably loses the election and everyone goes home feeling a bit deflated.

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It would appear that Shelley Malil doesn’t take break-ups too well, if allegations levelled against him turn out to be true.

The actor, who played the well-known part of ‘that Indian guy’ on ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin’ was arrested for attempted murder after he allegedly stabbed his ex-girlfriend more than 20 times. He has also been charged with mayhem and burglary, which at least brings something of a smile to an otherwise horrific situation, if only for their funny names.

Out of interest, what is ‘mayhem’ as a charge? Would a megalomaniacal evil genius, bent on the destruction of humanity as we know it be simply charged with ‘mayhem’ when they unleashed their robotic hordes on the populace? Or would they be slapped with the seemingly far more rational charge of ‘genocide’?

But we digress, and must veer back to seriousness.

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As websites go, hecklerspray is one particularly bent on justice.

For instance, we think Charles Manson should get another life sentence or two tacked on to that which he was already given. We’d like to see Ted Bundy get executed again, and for the love of Pete we think it high time Rachel Ray finally gets what’s coming to her.

What’s coming to her is cookies or something. As far as we know she has never killed people on a mass scale, and deserves very little incarceration if any.

Another piece of undeniable justice that deserves to be held high pertains to one Mark David Chapman. We think he killed Marilyn Monroe or something. Anyway, he was up for parole for the fifth time recently - and once again got denied.

Probably because even seventy years later, people still really, really like Marilyn Monroe.

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The race for US presidency isn’t something we’re likely to cover very much on these pages - it’s too divisive even for us. Plus we’re British-based, so we’re legally not allowed an opinion.

Non-partisan as hecklerspray may be though (you vote for who you actually want to vote for), we can’t help but feel something of an affinity with Barack Obama after his presidential rival John McCain compared the Democrat to both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

That’s the kind of politician we could get on board with!

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Being a child is really annoying isn’t it? You’re not quite old enough to go out and enter the big wide world.

Instead, mummy still plops you in the shopping trolley at Asda, gives you a bib at feeding time and still tucks you in at night to make sure the monsters don’t attack you.

However, when you reach the age of thirteen/fourteen something magically happens! Young girls and boys develop a mini sense of direction. Granted, they’re only copying what they see on the TV and need their parents to buy all the essential clobber for them, but they are independent, cool and part of a movement. Over the years the most popular fad has been Emo.

Dressing in black and looking like a box of pins has exploded in their faces, they’ve worried councillors, coffin-dodgers and corner shop owners. It’s not just the UK that has this problem, it’s Russia too and, in a strange move, the country wants to ban Emo culture.

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