From the category archives:

Creased Or Folded

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

A snippet review of the week. Folded for the up, Creased for the down.

Folded:

* The View (we may as well give them a pat on the head. They are quite good)
* Re-runs of The Rockford Files (never understood one episode, but it’s great fun. Lots of location shooting, too. Must have cost a bundle in its day)
* Meccano (harder to build than a stable housing market. Frustrating and repetitive – suits the wet weather like a dream. Who cares if the box says 5+?)
* Sod budgeting (no-one has any money at this time of year. Why should you be any different?)
* Half price page-a-day calendars in Borders (pick up a brilliant Worst Case Scenario one for less than a fiver)

Creased:

* Mika (ironically dated for someone so, well, ironic)
* Re-runs of Quincy (sadly the best part of this whole show is the opening credits. Look at Quince there… is that a body he’s examining? Perhaps discovering a vital clue to exonerate a disabled murder suspect? No, he’s just checking out some hot girl in her bikini. Oh, Quince, you are a lad!)
* ‘Green’ Tesco (one step, two step, take over the world)
* Sophie Ellis Bextor’s tattoo (clearly visible in her new video and it just does not suit her. At all)
* All those calendar shops you see empty around Christmas time (yes, they have now gone bust. Keep your eyes peeled for a Subway)

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

The Folded, the Creased and the Unexpected Erection.

Folded:

* Whose Line is it Anyway? (Five US have a regular slot for the American edition. It pales in comparison to Friday nights on Channel 4, but Ryan Stiles still induces tears on regular occasions)
* Roppongi Hills Club (exclusive Tokyo night club that looks like a scene from Heat. You won’t get in)
* Forest Whitaker (not seen The Last King of Scotland yet, but it’s good to see the old Ghost Dog getting some acclaim)
* What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? (the DVD was free in The Guardian last week. Have you worked it out yet? His mother ate Gilbert Grape, his own giant mother!)
* New series of Prison Break on Five (not gay at all prison drama. No longer set in prison)

Creased:

* January lull (is it still here? February already!)
* The 51st State (they keep sticking this on Film4 and it’s embarrassing. Far too indicative of the late-nineties gangster movie hangover two years too late, and yet another reason guns and comedy should merely remain the title of an obscure indie band)
* Books (they’re good things. None of us read enough)
* Celebrity Big Brother – Live! All morning! (you get out of bed, turn on E4; no music videos. Instead you get to see people sleeping, which doesn’t help you wake up much)
* Carla Romano (it’s not the first time she’s made into this column, and if the gurning microphone jostler continues reporting from awards ceremonies as if they are war zones, it won’t be the last)

For hecklerspray, for life, love, dammit for England: vote until your finger’s sore for Chris Laverty in the Empire Thunderdome.

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Are we all still accidentally writing 2006 on everything? Good, just making sure.

Folded:

* The Crimea (mark them up for a swell 2007. Their time has come)
* The Cinema Show on BBC4 (despite swooping dangerously close to disappearing up its own projector, this is still far better than poncey art-fest The Late Review)
* Mr Toxie Head Toxic Waste chews (they come in a plastic drum, like the sort Homer occasionally drinks from in The Simpsons. If you can manage the whole drum at once, you are a God)
* The Godfather collection on DVD (available stupidly cheap from just about anywhere you see a Sale sign at the moment. Time to fill up your shelf with something worth a damn, capiche?)
* Green Wing special (“Don’t you fucking dare interrupt me!” Now that’s how you do a special)

Creased:

* Robbie Williams (that’s it from this guy for a bit. Shame, he done the finest bit of rap since Morris Minor and the Majors)
* This Life + 10 on BBC2 (the title alone… awful, awful, awful, awful, awful… just awful. Not how you do a special at all)
* Quality Street (got loads left over from Christmas and they’re shit compared to Roses)
* Chewits Sour chews (even a tiny baby wouldn’t wince)
* Message boards (not the friendliest places in the world)

Vote (several times) Chris Laverty in the Empire Thunderdome. For the kids.

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?

Folded:

* Garth Marenghi (the DVD that got a lot of us through Yuletide hell)
* One Track Lover (down a two-way lane. Thank you, Garth)
* It Started With Swap Shop on BBC2 (Trevor and Simon on telly again. “We don’t do duvets!”)
* Making it through the first month of Empire Thunderdome (please vote again, we needs you)
* Girly liqueurs at Christmas (drink Baileys in the comfort of your own home without ever needing to admit you like it)

Creased:

* Leona Lewis (what a great singer. Doesn’t screech or sound remotely derivative)
* That mild Christmas (as festive as yoghurt)
* The Most Annoying People of 2006 on BBC Three (pointless, flaccid and repeated lots. You saw it, you know you did)
* Cheap lager (goes right through you in the cold)
* Rennie overdose (lots of antacids make you sicker than a sack load of turkey ever could. Fact)

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Naughty or nice, what’s your poison?

Folded:

* It’s Christmas! (great)
* We’re all drinking! (as per)
* Food! (tracksuit bottoms ready)
* Presents! (gimme)
* Christmas TV (more movies than Blockbuster)

Creased:

* It’s Christmas (again?)
* We’re all drunk (sick)
* God, no more food (indigestion)
* Having no money (January electric bill)
* Christmas ‘have you seen Christmas Day evening?!’ TV (terrible)

Keep voting for Chris Laverty (The Heckler) in the Empire Thunderdome. And cheer up, it IS Christmas.

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Anyone see Buzzcocks a couple of weeks back? Jamelia and Lilly Allen, that was gonna kick off, eh? Folded is good, Creased is bad etc etc…

Folded:

* That Lynx ad with the girls on the beach (fuck, it’s great though, isn’t it?)
* Having bad handwriting (so bad your girlfriend has to write all your Christmas cards? Now you’re laughing)
* Futurama coming back (that’s next year, but it’s worth getting excited about now)
* Secrets and Lies (on telly a short while back. It’s still about the best British film ever made. Even better than The Wicker Man)
* Bond composer David Arnold (the next John Barry. Not a chance. Talented? Definitely)

Creased:

* People who use pushchairs as shopping trolleys (squashing up the high street when they should be playing with their bloody kids in a park or something)
* The Simpsons movie (this seems like sacrilege, but we’re already worried. How can they possibly maintain the quality? We say end it. Now)
* Tittybangbang2 (we have moaned about this series before. Yes, it’s fresh; yes this new series is actually funnier than the last, but where are the real belly laughs, the actual comedy?
* Microsoft Zune (word is it’s no iPod beater. More the pity for all those sick of the white earplug brigade)
* Chances of a white Christmas (not great apparently)

Keep voting for Chris Laverty (The Heckler) in the Empire Thunderdome. And cheer up, it’ll soon be Christmas.

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Folded refers to things we liked this week, Creased refers to things we didn’t.

Folded:

* Glühwein (hot German wine that will whack your cold Christmassy head right off)
* Lego Mindstorms (if you don’t think this build-and-program-your-own-robot stuff looks brilliant, you need to grow up a bit)
* Late night Christmas shopping (best thing in the world. Knock the whole lot out in one evening with nobody else but bored seasonal staff to keep you company)
* He-Man DVDs (all that talk over the last couple of weeks has given us a taste for re-discovering our youth. Hence the Lego thing then, too)
* Hotdog magazine (may be no more, but it broke a lot of new ground with its cult retrospectives and some fine early cover art

Creased:

* Wrapping (not like Run DMC, which is still great fun down the pub on a Saturday night. No, Christmas present wrapping. Then there’s buying the stuff too. What a time of a year)
* Semi-clad ladies on the front of technology magazines (we don’t need to see cleavage to buy an iPod. Really, we are not going to ‘turn gay’ for ten minutes of looking at a page without a naked woman on it)
* U2 weekend on Channel 4 (fifteen minutes of U2 is long enough. A weekend full was just a suicidal idea)
* The Baz Luhrmann directed Chanel No. 5 advert (still in cinemas, still making you cringe more than that episode of The Office where Brent pretends to fire some poor girl and she starts crying)
* Advent calendars (how exciting, a piece of chocolate every day! You can’t just go and get that out of the fridge anytime you want, can you?! No, sir! It’s as if they only make these things for kids or something)

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Folded for this week’s good shit, Creased for the bad.

Folded:

* Voting (for me, The Heckler, at the Empire Thunderdome! Click on Chris and receive much telepathic thanks from myself)
* Bruno (Sacha Baron Cohen’s ultra-gay Austrian TV reporter is set for the big movie treatment in 2008. Expect belly laughs)
* CSS in The Guardian Guide (means it is officially okay to hate them now. Phew)
* Eu Vin Acasa Cu Drag by Stefan de la Barbulesti (download it, you won’t be disappointed)
* Film4(+1) (this whole one-hour-later concept is a top idea. Every channel should get involved, except ITV3. If you are that desperate to see re-runs of Rumpole of the Bailey you should catch them first time around)

Creased:

* Not voting (constructive feedback always appreciated, but you are still being a tad bit mean)
* That fucking Orange ‘Svetlana sucks lemons’ advert (the most unbelievably effected, portentous – aghhhh!!!!!!!! That song!!!!)
* Joanna Newsom (see above. Apparently disappeared up her own arse last Tuesday. No-one reported to care)
* Oxfam’s ‘buy a present for someone who needs it’ drive (yeah, splashing out on some school desks or a well for some impoverished village is a great idea, but how much of your cash actually gets there? Border sieges, administration, corrupt government officials – it all adds up)
* Carlsberg Edge (if you want to drink lager and lime, just be a man and order it)

Also thanks to everyone who contributed re. Battlecat’s alter-ego. Cringer, not Granger, so there you go.

Now if anyone can name Man-At-Arm’s other self without Googling (honesty required) we would all be really impressed.

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Folded to cast a smile, Creased to cast a tear.

Folded:

* All Saints all grown up (The sexy older women. They have ditched those bloody cargo pants and never looked finer)
* Borat the movie soundtrack (See the funniest film since, well anything in the past five years that was actually funny and not as dry as a bone – then get the soundtrack. Totally, absolutely serious, it’s a party classic. This Christmas’ Chas n’ Dave Jamboree Arthritic Knees Up)
* Liquid spirits (Beer is out. Winter commands a strong liver)
* Nintendo Wii (You’ve got to be excited because at least Nintendo are having a go. It will probably fail, but they are having a damn good try anyway)
* Really deep pub conversations (Like trying to remember the name of Battlecat in He-Man before he turned into Battlecat. Have a go without checking on Google. We’ve settled on Granger, but it still sounds wrong)

Creased:

* This Life repeats on BBC2 (Seeing this collective of impossibly habituated fuck-ups back with nothing more to say than ‘nudity and causal bad language’ makes you wonder why you got so excited first time around. Makes you seriously doubt the upcoming specials, too)
* Adios, Peter Jackson (Apparently asked to walk away from directing The Hobbit. Despite the threat of yet more DVD special editions and impending sofa haemorrhoids, this is a bad thing)
* Kelly Osbourne on I’m a Celebrity… (Screwing it up like a big, fat arse. How hard can it be, love, really? Just talk like you give a shit)
* Stink bombs (Kids all seem to be dropping them in town centres again. Let’s kill ‘em)
* Those Southern Comfort ‘SoCo’ adverts (if you actually hear anyone up their own arse enough to order a SoCo in a bar, then please punch them for us. Lot of violence this week)

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Fire = Creased, Water = Folded. Eh, what? No, that can’t be right.

Folded:

* Jack Palance (so what if we thought he died last century? He was still a legend)
* Starbucks’ Christmas coffee flavours (Groan, Starbucks. But you can’t help but feel a bit Christmassy when getting ripped off for a peppermint-mocha-‘spresso with a drizzle of luminous syrup and whipped cream. It’s makes you feel all warm and tingly)
* Simon Amstell on Never Mind the Buzzcocks (assuming he’s not entirely scripted up the Khyber, this former T4 boy is actually downright witty)
* The Prestige in your head (the greatest trick director Christopher Nolan has ever pulled is to convince you you’re watching one genre, let’s assume a period thriller, when, in fact, you’re actually watching a whole different one. Let’s call it…well, we’re not going to ruin that for you. Buy a ticket)
* I’m No Longer a Celebrity, Keep Me in Here For as Long as Possible (anybody else out there swear blind they were never going to watch this programme ever again? God, we’re weak. Ah, come on, it’s worth it for the Toby Anstis sexuality debate alone)

Creased:

* Bo! In The USA (this is a truly terrible show)
* The fans of Pete Doherty (after watching a recent Arena documentary on BBC2, it’s obvious where all the poor deluded sod’s problems lie)
* Novelty Christmas books (you can’t get through the front door of Borders without tripping over ‘Ultimate Ironic Hairbrushes of the Seventies’, or something else equally likely to be reduced to half it’s RRP in January)
* Man to Man With Dean Learner (so disappointed with this. Flatly, it’s just not very funny. Let’s get some more Darkplace on soon to cheer us up)
* Cinema snack prices (they want you go. They need you to go. Yet they charge more for popcorn than a Chelsea dealer chargers for crack. It is obscene)

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