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Creased Or Folded

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Crap bag = that’s from Friends, right? Not used enough in the UK.

Folded:

* Katie Hopkins (the new Diablo, reason for celibacy, ruddy face of Ambrose Wilson – a triumph of medical malfunction)

* My Name is Earl (back on Channel Four for its second series. Good stuff)

* Singing the lyrics “How can people get love… so wrong?” to the theme from Dances With Wolves. (don’t ask because you really, really don’t want to know)

* Rum (there are some really nice ones about for £20-30. All a bit Pirates, but sod it they taste nice)

* Michelle Mone (it’s a power thing. Christ, is it a power thing)

Creased:

* No more Apprentice (so, that’s it then – Big Brother)

* My Name is Earl (back on Channel Four at 10.00 pm on a Thursday? Rotten)

* Botany 500 (the clowns responsible Quincy’s big collars and baggy zippers)

* Lee Ryan (who?)

* Google (…know when you take a crap. Sort of. Worrying)

Crap bag = that's from Friends, right? Not used enough in the UK. Folded: * Katie Hopkins (the new Diablo, reason for celibacy, ruddy face of Ambrose Wilson – a triumph of medical malfunction) * My Name is Earl (back on Channel Four for its second series. Good stuff) * Singing the lyrics “How can people get love… so wrong?” to the theme from Dances With Wolves. (don’t ask because you really, really don’t want to know) * Rum (there are some really nice ones about for £20-30. All a bit Pirates, but sod it they taste nice) * Michelle Mone (it’s a power thing. Christ, is it a power thing) Creased: * No more Apprentice (so, that’s it then – Big Brother) * My Name is Earl (back on Channel Four at 10.00 pm on a Thursday? Rotten) * Botany 500 (the clowns responsible Quincy’s big collars and baggy zippers) * Lee Ryan (who?) * Google (…know when you take a crap. Sort of. Worrying)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Robin of Sherwood won a BAFTA.

Folded:

* World of Spectrum.org (download classic Speccy games like Target Renegade, Joe Blade and The Great Escape. Sell your Playstation 3)

* Facebook (a great way to wean yourself off smoking)

* Chocolate and Toffee Crisp Bites from Sainsbury (No longer lethal apparently. Sweet, sickly, £1.99 and well worth having the shakes for)

* Jordan (muck, but oddly likeable sometimes. Boom, puff – credibility gone)

* That new Big Brother diary room chair (for the gay Emperor in you)

Creased:

* Cooking Mama on Wii (imagine drowning yourself in a bowl of soapy water. It’d be more fun than playing this nonsense. C’mon Wii people, sort it out)

* Facebook (a great way to throw yourself out the window)

* BT adverts (they’re all crap, but the ones with that miserable cow who wants her bloke to piss off just so she can sit in her sweatpants and watch Fargo is the worst. Dump her, mate. Find someone your own age and without two equally miserable kids)

* Peter Andre (still not getting the joke)

* The Big Brother house itself (is there anything left in Ikea for the producers to buy?)

Robin of Sherwood won a BAFTA. Folded: * World of Spectrum.org (download classic Speccy games like Target Renegade, Joe Blade and The Great Escape. Sell your Playstation 3) * Facebook (a great way to wean yourself off smoking) * Chocolate and Toffee Crisp Bites from Sainsbury (No longer lethal apparently. Sweet, sickly, £1.99 and well worth having the shakes for) * Jordan (muck, but oddly likeable sometimes. Boom, puff – credibility gone) * That new Big Brother diary room chair (for the gay Emperor in you) Creased: * Cooking Mama on Wii (imagine drowning yourself in a bowl of soapy water. It’d be more fun than playing this nonsense. C’mon Wii people, sort it out) * Facebook (a great way to throw yourself out the window) * BT adverts (they’re all crap, but the ones with that miserable cow who wants her bloke to piss off just so she can sit in her sweatpants and watch Fargo is the worst. Dump her, mate. Find someone your own age and without two equally miserable kids) * Peter Andre (still not getting the joke) * The Big Brother house itself (is there anything left in Ikea for the producers to buy?)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Didn’t Angela Rippon used to present a quiz on BBC1?

Folded:

* 28 Weeks Later (playing at most cinemas if you don’t fancy Johnny Depp. Better than the original)

* Those Orange cinema ads with the guy who looks like Kevin Spacey (still funny, even when you’re sitting next to a couple of arty-looking students pretending not to laugh)

* Empire magazine’s ‘30 covers for 30 years of Star Wars’ promotion (it’s our job to be cynical, but it’s also our job to act like children. Besides, nobody’s making you buy them)

* Big Brother (Great, new people to laugh at. Girls)

* No Country For Old Men (a big hit at Cannes. Coen Brothers: about time, guys. And Josh Brolin, too. Winner)

Creased:

* Gordon Ramsay’s deadpan voiceover on the recipe section of The F-Word (in this most bizarre of shows, Ramsey ANNOUNCING the name of each ingredient used in his concoctions takes the fifth dimension biscuit. CHILLI… sprinkle liberally. ARTICHOKE… stuff with pimento. ORANGE… and so on)

* Calvin Harris: The Girls (watch the video. This guy loves himself so much, it’s a wonder he even knows there are any girls in the room)

* Trailer for Rambo 4 that’s been floating round Aint it Cool.com for the past couple of weeks (instantly it’s fun, but a whole two hours of steroid action and heads falling off? No, ta)

* Big Brother (Great. People. Lots of ‘em)

Didn’t Angela Rippon used to present a quiz on BBC1? Folded: * 28 Weeks Later (playing at most cinemas if you don't fancy Johnny Depp. Better than the original) * Those Orange cinema ads with the guy who looks like Kevin Spacey (still funny, even when you’re sitting next to a couple of arty-looking students pretending not to laugh) * Empire magazine’s ‘30 covers for 30 years of Star Wars’ promotion (it’s our job to be cynical, but it’s also our job to act like children. Besides, nobody’s making you buy them) * Big Brother (Great, new people to laugh at. Girls) * No Country For Old Men (a big hit at Cannes. Coen Brothers: about time, guys. And Josh Brolin, too. Winner) Creased: * Gordon Ramsay’s deadpan voiceover on the recipe section of The F-Word (in this most bizarre of shows, Ramsey ANNOUNCING the name of each ingredient used in his concoctions takes the fifth dimension biscuit. CHILLI… sprinkle liberally. ARTICHOKE… stuff with pimento. ORANGE… and so on) * Calvin Harris: The Girls (watch the video. This guy loves himself so much, it’s a wonder he even knows there are any girls in the room) * Trailer for Rambo 4 that’s been floating round Aint it Cool.com for the past couple of weeks (instantly it’s fun, but a whole two hours of steroid action and heads falling off? No, ta) * Big Brother (Great. People. Lots of 'em)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Lotta music this week.

Folded:

* Zodiac (but you’ve gotta really love David Fincher)

* Sophie Ellis-Bextor in her Me and My Imagination video (the beguiling alien waif looks fit, but she can’t dance with those giant oversized limbs of hers to save her life. Cheer-you-up comical)

* Commodore gaming PCs (just because most of the cool kids had one back in the day)

* Tiga (infectious retro beats actually worth turning your stereo up for. They don’t go shit)

* A History of Violence on DVD (another old one we’ve caught up on. If you love David Cronenberg you will adore this. If you don’t love Cronenberg get yourself a copy of Scanners sharpish)

Creased:

* “Yes, Sir Alan” (we know he is ‘Sir Alan’ and that The Apprentice contestants are probably advised to address him in this way, but it doesn’t diminish the cringe factor every time they do so)

* Mark Ronson (the still-buzzing hysteria over this pleb is bewildering)

* That new Booty Luv song everyone keeps banging on about (just sounds like a less soulful version of Stonebridge’s Freak On. Really don’t know what all the jizzing is about)

* Ruth Badger (by [un]popular demand. Makes lesbianism look about as enticing as actual badger sex)

* Camping (just when it seems like a good idea it pours with rain and you want to fuck off to a hotel)

Lotta music this week. Folded: * Zodiac (but you’ve gotta really love David Fincher) * Sophie Ellis-Bextor in her Me and My Imagination video (the beguiling alien waif looks fit, but she can’t dance with those giant oversized limbs of hers to save her life. Cheer-you-up comical) * Commodore gaming PCs (just because most of the cool kids had one back in the day) * Tiga (infectious retro beats actually worth turning your stereo up for. They don’t go shit) * A History of Violence on DVD (another old one we’ve caught up on. If you love David Cronenberg you will adore this. If you don’t love Cronenberg get yourself a copy of Scanners sharpish) Creased: * “Yes, Sir Alan” (we know he is ‘Sir Alan’ and that The Apprentice contestants are probably advised to address him in this way, but it doesn’t diminish the cringe factor every time they do so) * Mark Ronson (the still-buzzing hysteria over this pleb is bewildering) * That new Booty Luv song everyone keeps banging on about (just sounds like a less soulful version of Stonebridge’s Freak On. Really don’t know what all the jizzing is about) * Ruth Badger (by [un]popular demand. Makes lesbianism look about as enticing as actual badger sex) * Camping (just when it seems like a good idea it pours with rain and you want to fuck off to a hotel)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Topher Grace? What, is that like an anagram or something?

Folded:

* Rob Brydon’s Annually Retentive 2 (takes its cue from The Office, but is undeniably even more relevant and funny today. Eamon Holmes kicking a naked Rob Brydon’s arse? That’s worth checking the repeat schedules for)

* Izimi.com (post whatever you like directly from your home PC. Perfect for indie filmmakers)

* Ross Kemp on Gangs (astonished to find this programme is actually rather gritty and fascinating. Despite Ross Kemp, or because of Ross Kemp, we’re not sure)

* Google Earth (starting to feel like voyeurism. In the best possible way)

* Kirsty Young on Have I Got News For You last week (Jesus, she looked fit. Just… didn’t expect it)

Creased:

* Xbox Elite (no WiFi. Big mistake)

* Adrian Chiles (if there’s a more irritating colossal great big sack of dung presenting on TV today then we’d like to hear about him – and then we’ll put him in here, too)

* Organic food (absolutely no scientific proof whatsoever that it’s actually better for you and we are sick of everyone implying that there is)

* E4’s Sex in Court… yawn (kinda running out of subjects after the inevitable anal, whipping, anal whipping, fat bird who like whipping her boyfriend, boyfriend who prefers whipping football players, etc. That bald lady on the jury is bloody scary too)

* Pricey bread (when the heck did a decent loaf of bread come in at £1.20?! Have we been asleep or what? Could have sworn there used to be change from 50p)

Topher Grace? What, is that like an anagram or something? Folded: * Rob Brydon’s Annually Retentive 2 (takes its cue from The Office, but is undeniably even more relevant and funny today. Eamon Holmes kicking a naked Rob Brydon’s arse? That’s worth checking the repeat schedules for) * Izimi.com (post whatever you like directly from your home PC. Perfect for indie filmmakers) * Ross Kemp on Gangs (astonished to find this programme is actually rather gritty and fascinating. Despite Ross Kemp, or because of Ross Kemp, we’re not sure) * Google Earth (starting to feel like voyeurism. In the best possible way) * Kirsty Young on Have I Got News For You last week (Jesus, she looked fit. Just… didn’t expect it) Creased: * Xbox Elite (no WiFi. Big mistake) * Adrian Chiles (if there’s a more irritating colossal great big sack of dung presenting on TV today then we’d like to hear about him – and then we’ll put him in here, too) * Organic food (absolutely no scientific proof whatsoever that it’s actually better for you and we are sick of everyone implying that there is) * E4’s Sex in Court… yawn (kinda running out of subjects after the inevitable anal, whipping, anal whipping, fat bird who like whipping her boyfriend, boyfriend who prefers whipping football players, etc. That bald lady on the jury is bloody scary too) * Pricey bread (when the heck did a decent loaf of bread come in at £1.20?! Have we been asleep or what? Could have sworn there used to be change from 50p)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

The orangutan-a-hall of fame.

Folded:

* The Genius of Paris Hilton (formally a vision in pink, soon to be a vision in orange. She’ll spin this faster than a whirligig)

* Playing ‘spot the soundtrack’ during The Apprentice (normally a mix of Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Fight Club and The Thomas Crown Affair. Passes the time during those quiet bits)

* Iron Man’s comedy suit (these photos from the upcoming moving of the same name are supposed to be exciting. They are, in fact, hi-larious – and he flies, too!)

* Prison Break 2 (we were wrong about this first time around, as it’s actually moving along rather nicely. A different, albeit daft, surprise every week)

* Nick Hewer (brilliant fun whenever he’s on The Apprentice: You’re Fired! Give this man his own fifteen minutes, now)

Creased:

* Short weeks (like this one. Getting you excited that they might all be short weeks. But they’re not. They go on forever)

* Cascada (cascade of crap more like. No? Nobody like that one?)

* The lack of Ben and Jerry’s flavours available in the UK (there’s about, like, eight or something – and one of them is flippin’ vanilla)

* T4’s Steve Jones (ball bag with an accent)

* Annoying 4oD adverts urging us to watch all our ‘favourite programmes’ whenever we like on the net (watching TV on your computer is like reading a magazine on your laptop, diverting but just not the same)

The orangutan-a-hall of fame. Folded: * The Genius of Paris Hilton (formally a vision in pink, soon to be a vision in orange. She’ll spin this faster than a whirligig) * Playing ‘spot the soundtrack’ during The Apprentice (normally a mix of Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Fight Club and The Thomas Crown Affair. Passes the time during those quiet bits) * Iron Man’s comedy suit (these photos from the upcoming moving of the same name are supposed to be exciting. They are, in fact, hi-larious – and he flies, too!) * Prison Break 2 (we were wrong about this first time around, as it’s actually moving along rather nicely. A different, albeit daft, surprise every week) * Nick Hewer (brilliant fun whenever he's on The Apprentice: You’re Fired! Give this man his own fifteen minutes, now) Creased: * Short weeks (like this one. Getting you excited that they might all be short weeks. But they’re not. They go on forever) * Cascada (cascade of crap more like. No? Nobody like that one?) * The lack of Ben and Jerry’s flavours available in the UK (there’s about, like, eight or something – and one of them is flippin’ vanilla) * T4’s Steve Jones (ball bag with an accent) * Annoying 4oD adverts urging us to watch all our ‘favourite programmes’ whenever we like on the net (watching TV on your computer is like reading a magazine on your laptop, diverting but just not the same)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

“From the Ouze to the Waveney!”

Folded:

* My Moon, My Man by Feist (a sassy track with overtones of airport)

* Medusa (crazy, hazy, scary, musical Russell Brand botherers with a twinkle in their eye)

* The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (2005) on DVD (undoubtedly missed by most people on its release and currently selling for cheap bucks in most rental/shop-type places. A clever, charming film about a man who sets fire to his dead friend’s head)

* Metro/Ask.com (for showing us such love last week as ‘Arts and Entertainment Blog 2007’. We’ve still got the hangover)

* Silly porno web-cam girls on MySpace (if the pictures don’t crack you up, their grasp of English certainly will)

Creased:

* This current fad for chocolate that’s 70% cocoa or such like (the other stuff we’re used to be may be more sugar than chocolate, but at least we can keep it down)

* Beyonce snapping her back in half posing at the end of that Beautiful Liar video (nothing sexy about traction, love)

* Why don’t they re-run Frasier with double episodes every night on E4, just like they’ve done for the past five hundred years with Friends? (pisses us off)

* Unisex toilets in schools (as if our teenage pregnancy rate is not high enough already)

* Paul Merton (is it us or has he been off his game recently on Have I Got News For You? Even comedy genius has an off day, but this amounts to several worrying weeks in a row)

“From the Ouze to the Waveney!” Folded: * My Moon, My Man by Feist (a sassy track with overtones of airport) * Medusa (crazy, hazy, scary, musical Russell Brand botherers with a twinkle in their eye) * The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (2005) on DVD (undoubtedly missed by most people on its release and currently selling for cheap bucks in most rental/shop-type places. A clever, charming film about a man who sets fire to his dead friend’s head) * Metro/Ask.com (for showing us such love last week as ‘Arts and Entertainment Blog 2007’. We’ve still got the hangover) * Silly porno web-cam girls on MySpace (if the pictures don’t crack you up, their grasp of English certainly will) Creased: * This current fad for chocolate that’s 70% cocoa or such like (the other stuff we’re used to be may be more sugar than chocolate, but at least we can keep it down) * Beyonce snapping her back in half posing at the end of that Beautiful Liar video (nothing sexy about traction, love) * Why don’t they re-run Frasier with double episodes every night on E4, just like they’ve done for the past five hundred years with Friends? (pisses us off) * Unisex toilets in schools (as if our teenage pregnancy rate is not high enough already) * Paul Merton (is it us or has he been off his game recently on Have I Got News For You? Even comedy genius has an off day, but this amounts to several worrying weeks in a row)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

We’ve won the Metro ‘Arts and Entertainment Blog Award’. Bom Chicka Wah Wah!

Folded:

* New trailer for The Bourne Ultimatum online (we think this film is going to be very good indeed. If not we will surely kill all involved in making it)

* hecklerspray finally on MySpace (we’re a bit ‘find me a friend’ at the moment, but we’ll get the hang of it)

* Cola and Beer together… in the same glass (if you can order this in a pub with a straight face then it’s well worth a go. Better than bloating out on pure Fosters on a hot day)

* Addiction: The Apprentice (still blocking up the calendar for the next nine weeks or so. It almost pisses us off)

* Todd Rivers is working again! (the hilarious Matt Berry does the voiceover for Volvic in their new ‘Volcanicity’ advert. It’s not a new series of Darkplace, but it’s better than nothing)

Creased:

* Our disdain concerning the lack of cooking legend Keith Floyd on the telly (probably not best well after his stroke a few years back, but it would be great to see him do something new, even if it’s only Floyd Around Berkhamsted or something)

* People who ignore emails (even ‘fuck off’ is an answer, you lazy self-important sods)

* Dodgy garages (if you can find a guy who will change the tyre you ask, when you ask, without saying ‘ooh, your brakes will need doing soon’ or ‘that back one’s illegal, mate’, then marry him)

* The Jigsaw Man (got this DVD free with a newspaper a few weeks back. It is, without doubt, the worst film of all time. Yes, Michael Caine is in it before you ask)

* GMTV (naughty, naughty, you cheeky scamming the chav-housewives baskets)

We’ve won the Metro ‘Arts and Entertainment Blog Award’. Bom Chicka Wah Wah! Folded: * New trailer for The Bourne Ultimatum online (we think this film is going to be very good indeed. If not we will surely kill all involved in making it) * hecklerspray finally on MySpace (we’re a bit ‘find me a friend’ at the moment, but we’ll get the hang of it) * Cola and Beer together… in the same glass (if you can order this in a pub with a straight face then it’s well worth a go. Better than bloating out on pure Fosters on a hot day) * Addiction: The Apprentice (still blocking up the calendar for the next nine weeks or so. It almost pisses us off) * Todd Rivers is working again! (the hilarious Matt Berry does the voiceover for Volvic in their new ‘Volcanicity’ advert. It’s not a new series of Darkplace, but it’s better than nothing) Creased: * Our disdain concerning the lack of cooking legend Keith Floyd on the telly (probably not best well after his stroke a few years back, but it would be great to see him do something new, even if it’s only Floyd Around Berkhamsted or something) * People who ignore emails (even ‘fuck off’ is an answer, you lazy self-important sods) * Dodgy garages (if you can find a guy who will change the tyre you ask, when you ask, without saying ‘ooh, your brakes will need doing soon’ or ‘that back one’s illegal, mate’, then marry him) * The Jigsaw Man (got this DVD free with a newspaper a few weeks back. It is, without doubt, the worst film of all time. Yes, Michael Caine is in it before you ask) * GMTV (naughty, naughty, you cheeky scamming the chav-housewives baskets)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

You know the drill.

Folded:

* Ghosts on More4 (astonishing film about the Morecambe Bay ‘cockle pickers’. It will be repeated so watch it. You’ll be drawn in, guaranteed)

* Extras on DVD (if you’re a bit late with this or just wanting to give this another try, DVD is the place to indulge. Brilliant, genuinely funny work from a troupe of comedy maestros)

* Dr Fraser Crane on stage (well, the cast are reuniting for something, and that’s gonna be something good)

* Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves Special Edition DVD at Tesco for £2.99! (one of the best Worst Films Of All Time – with added extras to tickle your funny bone)

* Share your thoughts on the upcoming series of Top Gear (like all the messing about in America? Prefer road tests and gaskets and things? Have your say here, Clarkson’s listening)

Creased:

* Scarily overexcited Spider-Man 3 hype (after its recent Tokyo premiere this is likely to get even worse. Why, people? The first one was boring, the second one too long and full of the worst dialogue ever committed to film. What’s the third one gonna be, convoluted?

* Fat girls who keep referring to themselves as ‘curvy’ (“Oh, I’m a curvy girl, me!” No, you’re a fat girl who needs to lose some weight)

* Bananas (unless covered with custard and sugar, all these indigestion providers are good for is freaky porn and throwing at people reading poetry in the park)

* Being polite and friendly to girls standing at the bar while your girlfriend and her mates are sitting just a few feet away watching (surely you’re not just supposed to ignore somebody talking to you? Yep, that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do apparently)

* Inside Man (finally got round to seeing this film the other day and it was hopeless, daft and predictable. The soundtrack, however, was hilarious)

You know the drill. Folded: * Ghosts on More4 (astonishing film about the Morecambe Bay ‘cockle pickers’. It will be repeated so watch it. You’ll be drawn in, guaranteed) * Extras on DVD (if you’re a bit late with this or just wanting to give this another try, DVD is the place to indulge. Brilliant, genuinely funny work from a troupe of comedy maestros) * Dr Fraser Crane on stage (well, the cast are reuniting for something, and that’s gonna be something good) * Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves Special Edition DVD at Tesco for £2.99! (one of the best Worst Films Of All Time – with added extras to tickle your funny bone) * Share your thoughts on the upcoming series of Top Gear (like all the messing about in America? Prefer road tests and gaskets and things? Have your say here, Clarkson’s listening) Creased: * Scarily overexcited Spider-Man 3 hype (after its recent Tokyo premiere this is likely to get even worse. Why, people? The first one was boring, the second one too long and full of the worst dialogue ever committed to film. What’s the third one gonna be, convoluted? * Fat girls who keep referring to themselves as ‘curvy’ (“Oh, I’m a curvy girl, me!” No, you’re a fat girl who needs to lose some weight) * Bananas (unless covered with custard and sugar, all these indigestion providers are good for is freaky porn and throwing at people reading poetry in the park) * Being polite and friendly to girls standing at the bar while your girlfriend and her mates are sitting just a few feet away watching (surely you’re not just supposed to ignore somebody talking to you? Yep, that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do apparently) * Inside Man (finally got round to seeing this film the other day and it was hopeless, daft and predictable. The soundtrack, however, was hilarious)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

“I’m not Jesus Christ. I’ve come to accept that now.”

Folded:

* Kinder Easter Mix (don’t ever grow up and decide Kinder chocolate is not the best in the world. Far better than a mini-Mars egg with a solitary Fun-Size bar inside. Woo-‘kin-hoo)

* Office Space (shown last week on BBC2, Mike Judge’s wonderful tribute to the daily grind. No longer a cult, but still a classic)

* Advance Grindhouse jabber (this is what movies are all about: arguments, musings, ‘is it over hyped?’, ‘who cares!’; all the stuff that makes us love cinema)

* The ending of Life on Mars (it’s The Prisoner all over again; let the theories roll! He looks like a dead guy to us though. Check out this great link for ALL the answers…)

* Spandau Ballet: not dead as previously thought (who isn’t excited about the prospect of a comeback? Even if they die on their arses, it’ll be great

Creased:

* Holby Blue (cop show spin-off of Casualty spin-off Holby City. Makes you want a good cry)

* Film reviews that don’t reference the film in question having been on TV a thousand times already (there are a squillion reasons why doing this is a bad idea, but somebody for fuck’s sake somebody take a stand!)

* Grease Is The Word on ITV and ITV2 (you only get one shot at life. Gamble by all means, we positively encourage that, but don’t become that person; not that person who actually cares about this bilge, please)

* Deadline on ITV2 (more reality TV, this time about celebs making a celeb-based magazine. There’s an irony joke in there somewhere)

* Making the perfect bacon butty (Leeds University: pioneers of science)

“I’m not Jesus Christ. I’ve come to accept that now.” Folded: * Kinder Easter Mix (don’t ever grow up and decide Kinder chocolate is not the best in the world. Far better than a mini-Mars egg with a solitary Fun-Size bar inside. Woo-‘kin-hoo) * Office Space (shown last week on BBC2, Mike Judge’s wonderful tribute to the daily grind. No longer a cult, but still a classic) * Advance Grindhouse jabber (this is what movies are all about: arguments, musings, ‘is it over hyped?’, ‘who cares!’; all the stuff that makes us love cinema) * The ending of Life on Mars (it’s The Prisoner all over again; let the theories roll! He looks like a dead guy to us though. Check out this great link for ALL the answers…) * Spandau Ballet: not dead as previously thought (who isn’t excited about the prospect of a comeback? Even if they die on their arses, it’ll be great Creased: * Holby Blue (cop show spin-off of Casualty spin-off Holby City. Makes you want a good cry) * Film reviews that don’t reference the film in question having been on TV a thousand times already (there are a squillion reasons why doing this is a bad idea, but somebody for fuck’s sake somebody take a stand!) * Grease Is The Word on ITV and ITV2 (you only get one shot at life. Gamble by all means, we positively encourage that, but don’t become that person; not that person who actually cares about this bilge, please) * Deadline on ITV2 (more reality TV, this time about celebs making a celeb-based magazine. There’s an irony joke in there somewhere) * Making the perfect bacon butty (Leeds University: pioneers of science)
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