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Creased Or Folded

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

We often find that we hate more things than we love.

Folded:

* David Duchovny in Californication (not The X-Files anymore, and all the better for it)

* Halloween (provides the perfect excuse to drink blood in a social setting)

* Dave channel’s recent ‘Bottom only’ weekend (“Ritchie!!!!”)

* The Sopranos final episode (watching this tense exit piece again on E4 and it’s clear the most obvious solution is the also the most logical. Couldn’t think of a better way to go)

* Hecklerspray on TV (watch it here. Marvel at the professionalism, the poise, and that growing sense of arrogance in the forth minute. Our man took it home)

Creased:

* 30 Rock (not Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and all the worse for it)

* Paypal (high fees and a wondrous knack of ignoring every email you ever send them. Bastards has a nice ring to it)

* Travelodge ‘savers’ (want to know why they’re cheap? Take your pick between: ‘the other guests are probably prostitutes’ and ‘it hasn’t finished been built yet’)

* Christians moaning about Halloween (can’t let the kids have a little fun, can you? Always got to one hundred percent ‘right’ and consider everyone else’s opinion utterly irrelevant. Good luck with your master race. It’ll be boring)

* Dannii Minogue on X Factor (morphing into Sharon Osborne by the second. So shiny is Dannii’s face that tiny mice often ski down it during rehearsals)

We often find that we hate more things than we love. Folded: * David Duchovny in Californication (not The X-Files anymore, and all the better for it) * Halloween (provides the perfect excuse to drink blood in a social setting) * Dave channel’s recent ‘Bottom only’ weekend (“Ritchie!!!!”) * The Sopranos final episode (watching this tense exit piece again on E4 and it’s clear the most obvious solution is the also the most logical. Couldn’t think of a better way to go) * Hecklerspray on TV (watch it here. Marvel at the professionalism, the poise, and that growing sense of arrogance in the forth minute. Our man took it home) Creased: * 30 Rock (not Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and all the worse for it) * Paypal (high fees and a wondrous knack of ignoring every email you ever send them. Bastards has a nice ring to it) * Travelodge ‘savers’ (want to know why they’re cheap? Take your pick between: ‘the other guests are probably prostitutes' and ‘it hasn’t finished been built yet’) * Christians moaning about Halloween (can’t let the kids have a little fun, can you? Always got to one hundred percent ‘right’ and consider everyone else’s opinion utterly irrelevant. Good luck with your master race. It’ll be boring) * Dannii Minogue on X Factor (morphing into Sharon Osborne by the second. So shiny is Dannii’s face that tiny mice often ski down it during rehearsals)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Good then bad… in that order.

Folded:

* Ever wondered how it feels to die? (read this fascinating New Scientist report and wonder no more. Sleep no more either)

* Dogs with no front legs (have you seen these?! Funny as hell)

* Tesco’s gunmetal finish desk fan (nice looking bit of apartment chic currently reduced from £20 to £5 in stores. So what if it’s freezing, this thing is a gentleman’s bargain)

* Dave (bloke Freeview channel [19] with re-runs of UK Whose Line is it Anyway? Gold)

* The Day Today clips on YouTube (try out this clip of Chris Morris’ 9/11-themed radio broadcast. It’s restrained and devilishly funny)

Creased:

* Newton Faulkner (seems like a really decent bloke, but he sounds like Crowded House)

* Greeting people (apparently it’s really easy to insult people by not kissing them when you meet. Sex offenders, especially, hate it)

* Cinema ushers (now replacing supermarket shelf stackers as our officially most lobotomised sector of society)

* People who talk about Heroes all the time (Jesus, it is not that good. Try some reruns of Heartbeat sometime)

* The ‘home of witty banter’ tagline of channel Dave (you’re still showing Coupling, aren’t you?)

Good then bad… in that order. Folded: * Ever wondered how it feels to die? (read this fascinating New Scientist report and wonder no more. Sleep no more either) * Dogs with no front legs (have you seen these?! Funny as hell) * Tesco’s gunmetal finish desk fan (nice looking bit of apartment chic currently reduced from £20 to £5 in stores. So what if it’s freezing, this thing is a gentleman’s bargain) * Dave (bloke Freeview channel [19] with re-runs of UK Whose Line is it Anyway? Gold) * The Day Today clips on YouTube (try out this clip of Chris Morris’ 9/11-themed radio broadcast. It’s restrained and devilishly funny) Creased: * Newton Faulkner (seems like a really decent bloke, but he sounds like Crowded House) * Greeting people (apparently it's really easy to insult people by not kissing them when you meet. Sex offenders, especially, hate it) * Cinema ushers (now replacing supermarket shelf stackers as our officially most lobotomised sector of society) * People who talk about Heroes all the time (Jesus, it is not that good. Try some reruns of Heartbeat sometime) * The 'home of witty banter’ tagline of channel Dave (you’re still showing Coupling, aren’t you?)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

“Whose side are you on…?”

Folded:

* Stardust (bizarre fairytale in the mould of The Princess Bride. Just as inventive and funny, if a tad overlong)

* Charlie Brooker’s The Tudors skit on Screenwipe (“I’ve gotta get thru this, I’ve gotta get thru this”)

* Bandwidth speed tester (useful, but can make for miserable reading)

* Lions for Lambs, released on Nov 9th and showing at the London Film Festival (maybe the movie The Kingdom wasn’t. Both written by the same guy anyway)

* Róisín Murphy and her wacky dance moves (leaping around like a spaz in shoulder pads for her latest video Let Me Know, this ex-Moloko lass has never looked sexier)

Creased:

* That The Long Good Friday remake you may have heard about… (it’s happening, and Paul WS Anderson of Resident Evil ‘fame’ is directing)

* Brian from What About Brian (current TV frontrunner for the ‘want to punch him so hard in the face’ award)

* Kylie Minogue’s new single (she’s had a rough run, but her comeback effort 2 Hearts is worse than anything even Charlotte Church might come out with)

* Getting an old banger MOT’d (these days if your faithful jalopy so much as coughs a carbon emission, you are suddenly down yet another hundred quid)

* Ratatouille (critically acclaimed, but too boring for kids)

“Whose side are you on…?” Folded: * Stardust (bizarre fairytale in the mould of The Princess Bride. Just as inventive and funny, if a tad overlong) * Charlie Brooker’s The Tudors skit on Screenwipe (“I’ve gotta get thru this, I’ve gotta get thru this”) * Bandwidth speed tester (useful, but can make for miserable reading) * Lions for Lambs, released on Nov 9th and showing at the London Film Festival (maybe the movie The Kingdom wasn’t. Both written by the same guy anyway) * Róisín Murphy and her wacky dance moves (leaping around like a spaz in shoulder pads for her latest video Let Me Know, this ex-Moloko lass has never looked sexier) Creased: * That The Long Good Friday remake you may have heard about… (it’s happening, and Paul WS Anderson of Resident Evil ‘fame’ is directing) * Brian from What About Brian (current TV frontrunner for the ‘want to punch him so hard in the face’ award) * Kylie Minogue’s new single (she’s had a rough run, but her comeback effort 2 Hearts is worse than anything even Charlotte Church might come out with) * Getting an old banger MOT’d (these days if your faithful jalopy so much as coughs a carbon emission, you are suddenly down yet another hundred quid) * Ratatouille (critically acclaimed, but too boring for kids)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

The hit and shit list.

Folded:

* Control (moving portrayal of Joy Division frontman Ian Curtis’ doomed life)

* Family Guy: season six on DVD (hit and miss, but there is always something offensive to laugh your pants off at. Try the ‘Hope and Rape’ deleted scene if you really want to feel uncomfortable)

* The Unit (David Mamet’s bit of TV jingoism has too much chat, but still passes the time. Best thing on Virgin 1 anyway)

* Dragonette (lively, derivative Canadian glam band)

* That hilarious Beowulf advert (if you don’t laugh at Ray Winstone’s comedy-rendered face, you’ve got something wrong with you)

Creased:

* Ugly Betty: season two on Channel 4 (still ugly, still unfunny)

* Virgin 1 (apart from The Unit, everything else is the pits. Virtually no subtitle coverage either)

* Alexa Chung’s new look (why has this girl decided to cut her own hair and start wearing baggy polo shirts. Doesn’t she like being pretty or something?)

* Cut knuckles (ever caught your knuckles when attempting to fix a dishwasher or something? You spend the next two weeks looking like you fight in pub car parks for a living)

* Ewan McGregor’s goatee (as sported on last week’s Tonight With Jonathan Ross. Made him look like ‘skinny Chandler’ out of Friends)

The hit and shit list. Folded: * Control (moving portrayal of Joy Division frontman Ian Curtis’ doomed life) * Family Guy: season six on DVD (hit and miss, but there is always something offensive to laugh your pants off at. Try the ‘Hope and Rape’ deleted scene if you really want to feel uncomfortable) * The Unit (David Mamet’s bit of TV jingoism has too much chat, but still passes the time. Best thing on Virgin 1 anyway) * Dragonette (lively, derivative Canadian glam band) * That hilarious Beowulf advert (if you don’t laugh at Ray Winstone’s comedy-rendered face, you’ve got something wrong with you) Creased: * Ugly Betty: season two on Channel 4 (still ugly, still unfunny) * Virgin 1 (apart from The Unit, everything else is the pits. Virtually no subtitle coverage either) * Alexa Chung’s new look (why has this girl decided to cut her own hair and start wearing baggy polo shirts. Doesn’t she like being pretty or something?) * Cut knuckles (ever caught your knuckles when attempting to fix a dishwasher or something? You spend the next two weeks looking like you fight in pub car parks for a living) * Ewan McGregor’s goatee (as sported on last week’s Tonight With Jonathan Ross. Made him look like ‘skinny Chandler’ out of Friends)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Some bad, some good. Here we go… Folded: Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe on BBC4 (this new series could be his funniest so far) PSP Slim and Lite (no connector wire for the TV as yet, but still a sexy gadget that could just about fit into the side pocket of your [carpenter] jeans) Blitzworld.co.uk Road-Legal Buggy (build your [...]

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Some fun DVD stuff this week.

Folded:

* The Prisoner 40th Anniversary DVD (if you’re still unsure of the greatest TV show ever, then you’ll need to buy this mega-value box set and find out – costs around £60.00 or less. It has more extras than we have space to list, best of all being a fascinating feature-length retrospective documentary. This crazy 1960s show is so good that virtually everything decent since has been influenced by it. Out on 1st October)

* Steven Weber as Jack Rudolph in Studio 60 at the Sunset Strip on More4 (given another series or so and this guy would have been a legend)

* Comics Britannia (interesting three-part doc on BBC4 about the history of comic books in the UK. Well, we all bought them at one time)

* Oink comic (many moons ago Charlie Brooker wrote for this kids-own satirical chucklefest. They should bring it back… the time is right)

* Walking Tall 3: Lone Justice on DVD (really, if you fancy a good laugh watching people getting their fingers lopped off, or that guy from Hercules knocking someone out with a tin can, give it a go)

Creased:

* Lil Chris (we need a new reason now? Okay, his new song makes him look like a girl. A big-baby, girly girl)

* 300 on DVD (despite initial excitement for its cinema release, this is actually just a load of shiny bollocks. Almost literally)

* Binary watches (a fad last Christmas, so don’t be fooled into thinking they are anything more this year. Look at that, we’ve mentioned Christmas already)

* Shayne Ward (becoming somewhat ubiquitous again. Like a rash, or heart disease)

* Troy: Director’s Cut on DVD (bet you’ve been waiting for this, eh? Hmm? Haven’t you..?)

Some fun DVD stuff this week. Folded: * The Prisoner 40th Anniversary DVD (if you’re still unsure of the greatest TV show ever, then you'll need to buy this mega-value box set and find out - costs around £60.00 or less. It has more extras than we have space to list, best of all being a fascinating feature-length retrospective documentary. This crazy 1960s show is so good that virtually everything decent since has been influenced by it. Out on 1st October) * Steven Weber as Jack Rudolph in Studio 60 at the Sunset Strip on More4 (given another series or so and this guy would have been a legend) * Comics Britannia (interesting three-part doc on BBC4 about the history of comic books in the UK. Well, we all bought them at one time) * Oink comic (many moons ago Charlie Brooker wrote for this kids-own satirical chucklefest. They should bring it back… the time is right) * Walking Tall 3: Lone Justice on DVD (really, if you fancy a good laugh watching people getting their fingers lopped off, or that guy from Hercules knocking someone out with a tin can, give it a go) Creased: * Lil Chris (we need a new reason now? Okay, his new song makes him look like a girl. A big-baby, girly girl) * 300 on DVD (despite initial excitement for its cinema release, this is actually just a load of shiny bollocks. Almost literally) * Binary watches (a fad last Christmas, so don’t be fooled into thinking they are anything more this year. Look at that, we’ve mentioned Christmas already) * Shayne Ward (becoming somewhat ubiquitous again. Like a rash, or heart disease) * Troy: Director’s Cut on DVD (bet you’ve been waiting for this, eh? Hmm? Haven’t you..?)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

The nice and the nasty. Folded: Death Proof (most people hate it, but show the world you know what you’re talking about and love it) Ruth Watson, The Hotel Inspector (strangely sexy, with her random swearing and Swing Out Sister haircut) Danbury ‘Rio’ (a Volkswagen Type 2 with leather seats. Please send us one for [...]

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Some things we like, others we don’t.

Folded:

* Indy 4 gets a proper title (see here, then sit down and have a drink)

* Goodfellas ‘Solo’ pizzas (a pizza for the single guy, or one with a girlfriend who can’t cook)

* Spitting Image re-runs on ITV4 (a few years away from this show works wonders – it’s still really funny)

* Cobra Bite ‘Blood Orange’ flavour beer (officially the most refreshing ‘toy beer’ on the market)

* Kate Russell (cute TV pundit who knows loads about computers and technology and stuff. Marriage material)

Creased:

* Falafel (dry enough to give you an asthma attack)

* Channel 4+1 (Film4+1 actually had some stuff worth seeing an hour later, Channel 4 doesn’t)

* Live bands (always sound rubbish, out of tune, off-key and inevitably slurred. Stay at home and sanitary)

* Klaxons (still riding the wave, still causing the pain. See above)

* 10 excuses for using Facebook at work (they’re not very plausible)

Some things we like, others we don’t. Folded: * Indy 4 gets a proper title (see here, then sit down and have a drink) * Goodfellas ‘Solo’ pizzas (a pizza for the single guy, or one with a girlfriend who can’t cook) * Spitting Image re-runs on ITV4 (a few years away from this show works wonders – it’s still really funny) * Cobra Bite ‘Blood Orange’ flavour beer (officially the most refreshing ‘toy beer’ on the market) * Kate Russell (cute TV pundit who knows loads about computers and technology and stuff. Marriage material) Creased: * Falafel (dry enough to give you an asthma attack) * Channel 4+1 (Film4+1 actually had some stuff worth seeing an hour later, Channel 4 doesn’t) * Live bands (always sound rubbish, out of tune, off-key and inevitably slurred. Stay at home and sanitary) * Klaxons (still riding the wave, still causing the pain. See above) * 10 excuses for using Facebook at work (they’re not very plausible)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

What we like and what we don’t like.

Folded:

* The Kingdom (advance word is strong for this hyper-relevant, madly jingoistic crack-FBI-team action thriller due out 5th October)

* Discount bookshops (a great place to kill time, and pick up a Francois Truffaut biography you’ll never read)

* The Simpsons Movie (and this is still playing and still funny, if you like the old episodes anyway)

* Morgan’s Spiced Rum (try drinking in a pirate’s hat and eye shadow for the full effect)

* Whitworths’ Sunny Raisins (cannot stop eating them)

Creased:

* No 24-hour shopping on a Saturday (it’s 2007, we’ve all got busy lives; why the heck can’t we shopping when we want to?)

* Carolans Irish Liqueur (creamy, moreish – unfortunately makes you feel like a big girl)

* That Norwich Union TV advert where the plasma TV falls off the wall (horrible sight – like chavs in a bus stop)

* Fat Summers (ice cream, BBQ, a beer to ‘cool you down’ and just like that your best jeans no longer fit)

* Lee Ryan on Hell’s Kitchen (not much to see, considering that he’s now back at home playing on his Xbox)

What we like and what we don’t like. Folded: * The Kingdom (advance word is strong for this hyper-relevant, madly jingoistic crack-FBI-team action thriller due out 5th October) * Discount bookshops (a great place to kill time, and pick up a Francois Truffaut biography you’ll never read) * The Simpsons Movie (and this is still playing and still funny, if you like the old episodes anyway) * Morgan’s Spiced Rum (try drinking in a pirate’s hat and eye shadow for the full effect) * Whitworths' Sunny Raisins (cannot stop eating them) Creased: * No 24-hour shopping on a Saturday (it’s 2007, we’ve all got busy lives; why the heck can’t we shopping when we want to?) * Carolans Irish Liqueur (creamy, moreish - unfortunately makes you feel like a big girl) * That Norwich Union TV advert where the plasma TV falls off the wall (horrible sight – like chavs in a bus stop) * Fat Summers (ice cream, BBQ, a beer to ‘cool you down’ and just like that your best jeans no longer fit) * Lee Ryan on Hell’s Kitchen (not much to see, considering that he’s now back at home playing on his Xbox)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Gut and schlecht.

Folded:

* BBQs before 8pm (you can’t beat the whiff of a good burnt burger)

* The Bourne Ultimatum (if you still haven’t seen it, what’s the matter with you?)

* The kids are going back to school! (balances that Owen Wilson thing out)

* Maltesers milk drink (goes all frothy, tastes like frothy chocolate)

* The X Factor (now back on Saturday nights with the hoover bag of life spewing all over your carpet. Wouldn’t miss it)

Creased:

* BBQs after 8pm (you will be eaten alive by gnats)

* Owen Wilson on the slide (a shame, as this guy’s actually good)

* Facebook group invitations (we think you know where you can stick your ‘purity/love/friendship’ test…)

* No Celebrity Big Brother in 2008 (January’s going to be a quiet piss-take month)

* Dermot O’Leary on The X Factor (bringing his own brand of Jesus TV to dullest links in the history of the world ever. Debbie King should have been host. Even Xtra Factor’s Fearne Cotton would have been a fitter, funkier, cuter, altogether more dateable choice)

Gut and schlecht. Folded: * BBQs before 8pm (you can’t beat the whiff of a good burnt burger) * The Bourne Ultimatum (if you still haven’t seen it, what’s the matter with you?) * The kids are going back to school! (balances that Owen Wilson thing out) * Maltesers milk drink (goes all frothy, tastes like frothy chocolate) * The X Factor (now back on Saturday nights with the hoover bag of life spewing all over your carpet. Wouldn’t miss it) Creased: * BBQs after 8pm (you will be eaten alive by gnats) * Owen Wilson on the slide (a shame, as this guy’s actually good) * Facebook group invitations (we think you know where you can stick your ‘purity/love/friendship’ test…) * No Celebrity Big Brother in 2008 (January’s going to be a quiet piss-take month) * Dermot O’Leary on The X Factor (bringing his own brand of Jesus TV to dullest links in the history of the world ever. Debbie King should have been host. Even Xtra Factor’s Fearne Cotton would have been a fitter, funkier, cuter, altogether more dateable choice)
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