From the category archives:

Creased Or Folded

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Folded we like, Creased we don’t.

Folded:

* No Country For Old Men (violent, enthralling noir thriller)

* Those Orange cinema ads with Macaulay Culkin (“Yeah, insane! That’s kid talk for cool” You do feel a bit guilty for laughing, though)

* Blu Ray = good (Hitler was an HD-DVD man, you see)

* The Scarface page-a-day calendar (assuming you can find one for less than half-price, this is well worth a punt. April 30th has a photo of Al Pacino washing up)

* The Sopranos repeats on More4 (now heading towards the end of the series, and a great way for anyone being grumpy and saying they wouldn’t watch it first time around to catch up. Bit of arse having to watch it every night though)

Creased:

* Getting left behind on Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (if you don’t play video games all the livelong day, you might spend more time running after your comrades than shooting enemy soldiers. Does nobody else find this game just a tad frustrating?)

* Blu-Ray = bad (clearly the chosen one and it looks fantastic, but why are the discs still so expensive?)

* The return of Sony’s Aibo ‘dog’ for PS3 (dropped in 2006 and now apparently back in development. You would be better off saving your pennies for a cocktail-stick thong)

* Late night cinema audiences (if you want to sleep, just go to bed. It’s cheaper)

* Baby Rihanna gawping (how grown men can fancy this woman is beyond us; she looks like a child – literally like a child with make-up on. You know who you are: you’re sick)

Folded we like, Creased we don’t. Folded: * No Country For Old Men (violent, enthralling noir thriller) * Those Orange cinema ads with Macaulay Culkin (“Yeah, insane! That’s kid talk for cool” You do feel a bit guilty for laughing, though) * Blu Ray = good (Hitler was an HD-DVD man, you see) * The Scarface page-a-day calendar (assuming you can find one for less than half-price, this is well worth a punt. April 30th has a photo of Al Pacino washing up) * The Sopranos repeats on More4 (now heading towards the end of the series, and a great way for anyone being grumpy and saying they wouldn’t watch it first time around to catch up. Bit of arse having to watch it every night though) Creased: * Getting left behind on Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (if you don’t play video games all the livelong day, you might spend more time running after your comrades than shooting enemy soldiers. Does nobody else find this game just a tad frustrating?) * Blu-Ray = bad (clearly the chosen one and it looks fantastic, but why are the discs still so expensive?) * The return of Sony’s Aibo ‘dog’ for PS3 (dropped in 2006 and now apparently back in development. You would be better off saving your pennies for a cocktail-stick thong) * Late night cinema audiences (if you want to sleep, just go to bed. It’s cheaper) * Baby Rihanna gawping (how grown men can fancy this woman is beyond us; she looks like a child – literally like a child with make-up on. You know who you are: you’re sick)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Prepare to feel happy, then crappy.

Folded:

* 2008: a good year for old movies (with an all-new Indy, Batman, Bond and Rambo coming out, at least one of them has to be alright)

* One Tree Hill (nah, only kidding)

* www.shutterstock.com (sell your photos online. Nude Vogue models and an outrageous expense account here we come)

* The Simpsons Game on PS3 (not much more than yet another Castle of Illusion riff, but at least as funny as the recent bloated movie)

* Ripping an unwanted credit card apart with your teeth (not as hard as you might think – and might get you a free drink if someone is drunk enough to bet you)

Creased:

* Pizza for one (has anyone been full after one of these? Ever?)

* P.S. I Love You (if comedy leprechauns made a movie, this would be the awful-but-far-too-funny-to-be-offensive result)

* Carrying a comb in your pocket (for anyone under the age of sixty this should be a whipping offence)

* Thorntons chocolates leftover after Christmas (sickly after one and we’ve got four boxes to finish)

* Movie stuntmen from the 1950s (brave and everything, doing stunts without wires, but that old ‘leap and roll’ every time they get punched in a fight now looks like a typical premier league football match after the likes of Bourne and new Bond)

Prepare to feel happy, then crappy. Folded: * 2008: a good year for old movies (with an all-new Indy, Batman, Bond and Rambo coming out, at least one of them has to be alright) * One Tree Hill (nah, only kidding) * www.shutterstock.com (sell your photos online. Nude Vogue models and an outrageous expense account here we come) * The Simpsons Game on PS3 (not much more than yet another Castle of Illusion riff, but at least as funny as the recent bloated movie) * Ripping an unwanted credit card apart with your teeth (not as hard as you might think - and might get you a free drink if someone is drunk enough to bet you) Creased: * Pizza for one (has anyone been full after one of these? Ever?) * P.S. I Love You (if comedy leprechauns made a movie, this would be the awful-but-far-too-funny-to-be-offensive result) * Carrying a comb in your pocket (for anyone under the age of sixty this should be a whipping offence) * Thorntons chocolates leftover after Christmas (sickly after one and we’ve got four boxes to finish) * Movie stuntmen from the 1950s (brave and everything, doing stunts without wires, but that old ‘leap and roll’ every time they get punched in a fight now looks like a typical premier league football match after the likes of Bourne and new Bond)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

A new one just begun – get the Prozac.

Folded:

* Gorillapod (nifty camera gadget that comes in really handy if you’re still festive drunk or suffer from an essential tremor)

* Blade Runner the Final Cut DVD (buy the four disc version if you’re hardcore – you might even find a copy in the sales)

* Cheap stuff on eBay (a veritable menu of unwanted gifts for you to devour. DVD boxsets provide the best meat)

* Lust, Caution (erotic… not subtle, but erotic)

* Finding lost cash (ever wondered where that missing twenty quid went? It’s in your jacket – always in your jacket. Now go and spend it)

Creased:

* Christmas decorations (nice last week, but now look like the longest festival hangover ever. Clear ‘em up)

* I am Legend (deathly depressing)

* Incredibly noisy doorbell buzzers you cannot detach (even when you tear all the wires out and randomly snip a couple)

* Festive electrical gubbins (all of which cough to life on Christmas Day, then break again until the shops open two days later)

* Snow (here at last. As usual far too late to a] compliment the season and b] throw at Christmas shoppers)

A new one just begun – get the Prozac. Folded: * Gorillapod (nifty camera gadget that comes in really handy if you’re still festive drunk or suffer from an essential tremor) * Blade Runner the Final Cut DVD (buy the four disc version if you’re hardcore - you might even find a copy in the sales) * Cheap stuff on eBay (a veritable menu of unwanted gifts for you to devour. DVD boxsets provide the best meat) * Lust, Caution (erotic... not subtle, but erotic) * Finding lost cash (ever wondered where that missing twenty quid went? It’s in your jacket – always in your jacket. Now go and spend it) Creased: * Christmas decorations (nice last week, but now look like the longest festival hangover ever. Clear ‘em up) * I am Legend (deathly depressing) * Incredibly noisy doorbell buzzers you cannot detach (even when you tear all the wires out and randomly snip a couple) * Festive electrical gubbins (all of which cough to life on Christmas Day, then break again until the shops open two days later) * Snow (here at last. As usual far too late to a] compliment the season and b] throw at Christmas shoppers)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Soon be here…

Folded:

* Happy Christmas! (ready to fight with the family?)

* Getting a couple of days off (‘cos that’s really all it’s about)

* Granite by Pendulum (retro drum ‘n’bass with lyrics…yeah, why not)

* We Own the Night (a bitter taste to cut through the syrupy festive fare)

* Erin O’Connor (tall, slim, very pretty lady from the M&S Christmas adverts)

Creased:

* Happy Humbug! (all ready to hide out in Acapulco?)

* Late postmen (what time of day to call is 2.00 pm?! It’d be quicker to send a midget with bubble gum stuck on his feet)

* Shops abandoning their Christmas decorations in favour of giant SALE placards (a miserable thing to see and probably even worse if you have to work in these un-festive havens of grumpiness)

* Frosty mornings (a thin layer of concrete on your windscreen and only the heartiest, most deadly of £1.99 chemicals can help you remove it)

* New Year’s Eve washout (can somebody we know please do something classy like go to a ball or watch fireworks while sipping a glass of Moet. Break the cycle, please)

Soon be here... Folded: * Happy Christmas! (ready to fight with the family?) * Getting a couple of days off (‘cos that’s really all it’s about) * Granite by Pendulum (retro drum ‘n’bass with lyrics...yeah, why not) * We Own the Night (a bitter taste to cut through the syrupy festive fare) * Erin O’Connor (tall, slim, very pretty lady from the M&S Christmas adverts) Creased: * Happy Humbug! (all ready to hide out in Acapulco?) * Late postmen (what time of day to call is 2.00 pm?! It'd be quicker to send a midget with bubble gum stuck on his feet) * Shops abandoning their Christmas decorations in favour of giant SALE placards (a miserable thing to see and probably even worse if you have to work in these un-festive havens of grumpiness) * Frosty mornings (a thin layer of concrete on your windscreen and only the heartiest, most deadly of £1.99 chemicals can help you remove it) * New Year’s Eve washout (can somebody we know please do something classy like go to a ball or watch fireworks while sipping a glass of Moet. Break the cycle, please)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

It’s getting really near Christmas and we have no money.

Folded:

* Blackbox from Gear4 (a stylish speaker system with Bluetooth compatibility. Stream from your iPod and curl up with a good whiskey)

* Last week’s QI weekend on Dave (for all its geezer posturing, channel Dave is proving to be the new default station)

* Members of the Public (their promising single Magic Ingredient is reminiscent of an early 80’s indie Christmas song. Nice styling by A Clockwork Orange too)

* Ladies in winter bobble hats (so cute)

* The Stig (Top Gear’s resident ‘tamed racing driver’ done some amazing work during their 24-hour endurance race at Silverstone. Who is he..? A formula one driver? Rally driver; one man? Several men? A woman?! No, that last one was stupid)

Creased:

* The Golden Compass (you’ll need a compass to find your way out of this sorry mess)

* Julie Walters cringes it up for Asda (most embarrassing advert of the year? Just hearing her shout ‘Tony!’ seals it for us)

* Sluts Aloud (they don’t look great anymore though, do they?)

* People who argue by text (they have not got the balls to ring you up, so instead send text after elongated text of endless babble moaning about something or other you did and cannot remember while never using any punctuation)

* Enforced Christmas arrangements (anyone else have twenty different relatives to visit in two days and at least one you would rather avoid?)

It's getting really near Christmas and we have no money. Folded: * Blackbox from Gear4 (a stylish speaker system with Bluetooth compatibility. Stream from your iPod and curl up with a good whiskey) * Last week’s QI weekend on Dave (for all its geezer posturing, channel Dave is proving to be the new default station) * Members of the Public (their promising single Magic Ingredient is reminiscent of an early 80’s indie Christmas song. Nice styling by A Clockwork Orange too) * Ladies in winter bobble hats (so cute) * The Stig (Top Gear’s resident ‘tamed racing driver’ done some amazing work during their 24-hour endurance race at Silverstone. Who is he..? A formula one driver? Rally driver; one man? Several men? A woman?! No, that last one was stupid) Creased: * The Golden Compass (you’ll need a compass to find your way out of this sorry mess) * Julie Walters cringes it up for Asda (most embarrassing advert of the year? Just hearing her shout ‘Tony!’ seals it for us) * Sluts Aloud (they don’t look great anymore though, do they?) * People who argue by text (they have not got the balls to ring you up, so instead send text after elongated text of endless babble moaning about something or other you did and cannot remember while never using any punctuation) * Enforced Christmas arrangements (anyone else have twenty different relatives to visit in two days and at least one you would rather avoid?)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Your dose of the good guys and the bad guys this week.

Folded:

* The new and improved iPod Nano (smaller, thinner, cheaper and brilliant. A perfect fit for your Christmas stocking)

* Chubbies (no, not ‘a chubby’ – chubbies. Cute little things that you can place around your computer and knock over from time to time)

* Wearing giant bras on your head while being dragged around the smalls department of Marks and Spencer (never gets old)

* The Nines (a quality, quirky alternative to the ponderous The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford)

* Danny Stack’s screenwriting blog (who isn’t writing a screenplay these days? Danny’s blog is your bible: a really decent chap with more useful advice than Ray Mears in the Sahara desert after a plane crash)

Creased:

* Simple plumbing jobs that turn into WW3 (two guys turn up to fix the problem, they call two more guys; those two guys bring bigger hammers and bigger drills: Crash! your house is detonated in a blizzard of plaster dust and half-empty coffee mugs)

* 101 Number Ones (more like 101 Number Twos, this appalling CD collection actually opens, opens, with Reet Petite)

* Transformers on DVD (just as bad as it was at the cinema, with the possible silver lining of being able to take an undisturbed nap whenever you feel like it)

* The ‘What’s hot and what’s not’ section of The Guardian’s Weekend magazine and their feeble rubbishing of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (it’s thanks to drippy fashion journalists like these who spend their days shrieking about leggings that this great show got cancelled in the first place. They should keep their mouths shut)

* Heat stickers (quite apart from being this ghastly magazine’s most tacky promotion ever, they really hit a new low by printing a photograph of Jordan’s disabled son Harvey alongside the jibe ‘Harvey wants to eat me’. Nice going there, sleazeballs)

Your dose of the good guys and the bad guys this week. Folded: * The new and improved iPod Nano (smaller, thinner, cheaper and brilliant. A perfect fit for your Christmas stocking) * Chubbies (no, not ‘a chubby’ – chubbies. Cute little things that you can place around your computer and knock over from time to time) * Wearing giant bras on your head while being dragged around the smalls department of Marks and Spencer (never gets old) * The Nines (a quality, quirky alternative to the ponderous The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford) * Danny Stack’s screenwriting blog (who isn’t writing a screenplay these days? Danny’s blog is your bible: a really decent chap with more useful advice than Ray Mears in the Sahara desert after a plane crash) Creased: * Simple plumbing jobs that turn into WW3 (two guys turn up to fix the problem, they call two more guys; those two guys bring bigger hammers and bigger drills: Crash! your house is detonated in a blizzard of plaster dust and half-empty coffee mugs) * 101 Number Ones (more like 101 Number Twos, this appalling CD collection actually opens, opens, with Reet Petite) * Transformers on DVD (just as bad as it was at the cinema, with the possible silver lining of being able to take an undisturbed nap whenever you feel like it) * The 'What’s hot and what’s not’ section of The Guardian’s Weekend magazine and their feeble rubbishing of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (it’s thanks to drippy fashion journalists like these who spend their days shrieking about leggings that this great show got cancelled in the first place. They should keep their mouths shut) * Heat stickers (quite apart from being this ghastly magazine’s most tacky promotion ever, they really hit a new low by printing a photograph of Jordan’s disabled son Harvey alongside the jibe ‘Harvey wants to eat me’. Nice going there, sleazeballs)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Good stuff and bad.

Folded:

* Get in shape to get fat at Christmas (www.mansized.co.uk have some top tips for shedding the blubber. They do require getting sweaty, but then most worthwhile things in life do)

* Giant Scorpion fossil found (cool prehistoric sea monster. Where’s that time machine anyway? Can’t anyone build one yet?)

* Still showing – Beowulf (for teens really, but just as much fun as an old Sinbad movie)

* The Japanese Shop (true to cliché, the politest store in the entire world. Wish they sold groceries)

* Flight of the Conchords (not watched much of this yet on BBC4, but it seems chuckle worthy – if a tad über-trendy)

Creased:

* Sean Kingston (maybe they could give this guy some nursery rhymes to sing or something?)

* Buying up cheap Halloween putty (you’ll spot this gloopy gloop in most big supermarkets reduced to about ten pence. Don’t buy a ton of the stuff trying to relive your youth, then have absolutely no idea what to do with it all when you get home and realise you’re not eight years old anymore. That would be very silly)

* The Darjeeling Limited (you would have to be a catastrophic Wes Anderson fan to find this artwank nonsense entertaining)

* The family black sheep (if you are this person then you already know what an arsehole you are. If not, you will no doubt have to deal with this awkward, ignorant, self-obsessed fool on a semi-daily basis)

* Shoppers suffering from pre-Christmas aggression (this is no time to buy a nice bottle of wine or the latest special edition Frijj – people are just not in mood for browsers)

Good stuff and bad. Folded: * Get in shape to get fat at Christmas (www.mansized.co.uk have some top tips for shedding the blubber. They do require getting sweaty, but then most worthwhile things in life do) * Giant Scorpion fossil found (cool prehistoric sea monster. Where’s that time machine anyway? Can’t anyone build one yet?) * Still showing - Beowulf (for teens really, but just as much fun as an old Sinbad movie) * The Japanese Shop (true to cliché, the politest store in the entire world. Wish they sold groceries) * Flight of the Conchords (not watched much of this yet on BBC4, but it seems chuckle worthy - if a tad über-trendy) Creased: * Sean Kingston (maybe they could give this guy some nursery rhymes to sing or something?) * Buying up cheap Halloween putty (you’ll spot this gloopy gloop in most big supermarkets reduced to about ten pence. Don’t buy a ton of the stuff trying to relive your youth, then have absolutely no idea what to do with it all when you get home and realise you’re not eight years old anymore. That would be very silly) * The Darjeeling Limited (you would have to be a catastrophic Wes Anderson fan to find this artwank nonsense entertaining) * The family black sheep (if you are this person then you already know what an arsehole you are. If not, you will no doubt have to deal with this awkward, ignorant, self-obsessed fool on a semi-daily basis) * Shoppers suffering from pre-Christmas aggression (this is no time to buy a nice bottle of wine or the latest special edition Frijj - people are just not in mood for browsers)
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Our tips for the good and the bad this week. Folded: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (the contemporary setting works brilliantly – they should stick with it) Cloverfield buzz (an upcoming monster movie that looks pretty average, but is still kind of exciting in a wonder-what-the-hell-that-is-really-about kind of way) The new series of The [...]

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Good, good, good. Bad.

Folded:

Robinson’s High Juice: Grape and Melon – chilled (the most addictive hit you’ll find for less than two quid)

Crank 2 is definitely coming (if there any way this sequel could be a bad idea? Any way?!)

Pubs that, thanks to the smoking ban, smell cleaner than your own house (save money on laundry, get an extra day out of that black shirt)

Lions For Lambs (if you like the movie adaptation of Glengarry Glen Ross, you will like this)

Mobile Act Unsigned on Channel 4 (miles better than X Factor. You might actually listen to some of these acts after you have finished laughing at them)

Creased:

Houseplants (why do people buy them for anyone under 30? They just die then smell)

People who moan at you then apologise afterwards (instead of a half-hearted ‘sorry’, try this: don’t express every single thought that pops into your head in the first place. Drainer)

MySpace (tumbleweed…)

Richard Hammond’s hair (apart from the fact Hammond now looks like a flyweight on a diet, what is going on with his Peter Stringfellow muff?!)

Russell Brand’s Ponderland on E4 (can’t even be bothered to say how rubbish this show is)

Good, good, good. Bad. Folded: Robinson’s High Juice: Grape and Melon – chilled (the most addictive hit you’ll find for less than two quid) Crank 2 is definitely coming (if there any way this sequel could be a bad idea? Any way?!) Pubs that, thanks to the smoking ban, smell cleaner than your own house (save money on laundry, get an extra day out of that black shirt) Lions For Lambs (if you like the movie adaptation of Glengarry Glen Ross, you will like this) Mobile Act Unsigned on Channel 4 (miles better than X Factor. You might actually listen to some of these acts after you have finished laughing at them) Creased: Houseplants (why do people buy them for anyone under 30? They just die then smell) People who moan at you then apologise afterwards (instead of a half-hearted ‘sorry’, try this: don’t express every single thought that pops into your head in the first place. Drainer) MySpace (tumbleweed…) Richard Hammond’s hair (apart from the fact Hammond now looks like a flyweight on a diet, what is going on with his Peter Stringfellow muff?!) Russell Brand’s Ponderland on E4 (can’t even be bothered to say how rubbish this show is)
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Creased Or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You The Way It Is

by Chris Laverty

Folded = :) , Creased = :(

Folded:

* Private Eye magazine (like a more political hecklerspray. We might even liken it to inspiration)

* The Ninth Gate (released in 1999, stars Johnny Depp, was on Five a couple of weeks ago. A real growing cult of a movie; two-hours plus of silly devil-worshipping tripe that you cannot stop talking about afterwards

* Payback: Straight Up – The Director’s Cut on DVD (more stone cold Gibbo in this lean little underrated revenge flick from 1999)

* Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (still totally entertaining. Would be even better if that ‘literal illustration team-building’ bit in the middle got lost in the cutting room)

* Mobay coconut cream liqueur (currently discontinued in Tesco and being flogged off for less than £5 a bottle. Really rich and sickly at this cold time of year)

Creased:

* Guy Fawkes Night madness (haven’t seen so many council estate gypos crowding into a supermarket to buy incendiary devices since George Bush was re-elected)

* The cynical return of Cadbury’s Wispa (yep, totally forgotten about all that Salmonella-in-the-Dairy Milk stuff now)

* Moany northerners (“I hate London” this or “London caused Foot and Mouth” that. Just cheer up and stop complaining you’re all poor)

* Amy Winehouse/Mark Ronson’s cover of Valerie (so overplayed it has burrowed deeper into your brain than that latent tumour you’ve been so worried about)

* Elizabeth: The Golden Age (as silly as they come and flat-out boring in places)

Folded = :), Creased = :( Folded: * Private Eye magazine (like a more political hecklerspray. We might even liken it to inspiration) * The Ninth Gate (released in 1999, stars Johnny Depp, was on Five a couple of weeks ago. A real growing cult of a movie; two-hours plus of silly devil-worshipping tripe that you cannot stop talking about afterwards * Payback: Straight Up - The Director's Cut on DVD (more stone cold Gibbo in this lean little underrated revenge flick from 1999) * Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (still totally entertaining. Would be even better if that ‘literal illustration team-building’ bit in the middle got lost in the cutting room) * Mobay coconut cream liqueur (currently discontinued in Tesco and being flogged off for less than £5 a bottle. Really rich and sickly at this cold time of year) Creased: * Guy Fawkes Night madness (haven’t seen so many council estate gypos crowding into a supermarket to buy incendiary devices since George Bush was re-elected) * The cynical return of Cadbury’s Wispa (yep, totally forgotten about all that Salmonella-in-the-Dairy Milk stuff now) * Moany northerners ("I hate London" this or "London caused Foot and Mouth" that. Just cheer up and stop complaining you’re all poor) * Amy Winehouse/Mark Ronson’s cover of Valerie (so overplayed it has burrowed deeper into your brain than that latent tumour you’ve been so worried about) * Elizabeth: The Golden Age (as silly as they come and flat-out boring in places)
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