Comic Books

We once got bit by a cactus in a room where we were watching our aunt get chemo.

We felt different afterwards - very different. Our skin took on a heroic red hue, and little patches of extra muscle formed all over our body in the exact shape of radiation blisters. We'd entered that room too weak to even wear that simple lead vest, and left the room without touching the ground.

It's because we were vomiting on a stretcher. Apparently people visiting hospitals are 'obligated' to read the door-signs. What are we, students? Needless to say no real powers were transferred to us from that radiated cactus. And like us, the Justice League of America is looking sickly, bald and blistery at the moment.

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Kevin Spacey - obviously very happy with his work in Superman Returns, officially the best summer blockbuster in which a bland-looking caped man lifts up an island and nothing much else happens - has announced that he intends to reprise the role.

Superman: Man Of Steel is all set to hit cinemas in 2009, roughly about the same time that Eli Roth will be churning out Hostel Part 17 and Oliver Stone will have unveiled Pool Of Fury, his controversial seven-hour long Michael Barrymore biopic.

Rumours that someone, somewhere on the planet is actually looking forward to Superman: Man Of Steel remain wholly unsubstantiated.

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When Lex Luther was gonna explode all of California into the ocean to increase his slightly-east of California property value, we handled it just fine. When Magneto refuted Jean Grey's love just before she disintegrated into the netherverse, and the last thing she felt on this mortal plain was such a tremendous sadness, well, we handled that fine too.

That is how the third X-Men ended, right? We're not entirely sure because after the first gruelling 20 minutes we were too busy phone-googling ways to kill ourselves with popcorn to pay attention. Sure, walking out would have been easier, but we paid full price, dang-it!

The upcoming Fantastic Four movie, the one that apparently stars the Terminator II villain on a boogie board, well it could very well be heading down a similar path. To make matters worse, this movie's not content with simply inspiring millions to end it all. Rather, it wants to drag down the entire US monetary system with it - and that's why the Silver Surfer now appears on the flip side of lots and lots of real quarters - without the U.S. Mint's permission.

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Captain America, better known as Corporal England in the UK and First Lieutenant Botswana in some African country that we think starts with like an 'F', is dead.

Captain America was trying his best to get a cat out of a tree when a muscle spasm caused him to twitch into a particularly inhabited hornet's nest. That's not where he died though. The hornets chased him onto a construction site where another muscle spasm caused him to fix himself to the wall with a loose-triggered nail gun.

That's not how he died though. He lasted there through the winter, but when the spring thaw came several winged creatures melted back to life in a cave, they flew out and found the good Captain in a very hungry but attractive state. That's not how he died though. The monsters made him pregnant, and upon child birth he couldn't dilate all-the-way because he's a man.

A few days later he died in a hospital bed with several pieces of drywall still stuck to his forearm and thighs, and stitches in secret places. And that, we have on good authority, is how Captain America died. Or he got shot by a malicious sniper, we've never been good at reading speech bubbles.

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