From the category archives:

Celebrity Gossip

Doctor Who Shags His Daughter. His Actual Daughter.

by Stuart Heritage

Fact: all women want to sleep with David Tennant, even though it’s quite likely that he keeps pulling his tedious ‘look how zany I am’ faces during intercourse.

And by ‘all women’ we literally mean ‘all women’. All women want to rub offal with David Tennant, even ones he’s related to. Even his own daughter. Even David Tennant’s own daughter wants to have it off with David Tennant.

What? Oh, OK, not David Tennant’s actual daughter, but the girl who plays David Tennant’s daughter on Doctor Who. Apparently Tennant and his 23-year-old Doctor Who co-star Georgia Moffett are secretly doing it. And without the whole incest angle to go on that’s pretty dull. She’s young enough to be his daughter, does that count?

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Hulk Hogan’s Son In Solitary, Not Exactly Thrilled About It

by Stuart Heritage

Being in jail can be a miserable experience, especially when you’re not allowed vital bonding time with the assorted rapists and murderers that count as your new flatmates.

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea isn’t getting any of that at the moment, despite being sentenced to eight months in jail for crashing his car and putting his friend in a care home forever. Sure, Nick Bollea is actually in jail at the moment, but he’s in solitary.

Because his jail can’t accommodate minors properly, Nick Bollea has to spend all day on his own in a tiny cell where his meals are passed to him through a slot in the door. It can’t be much fun for Nick Bollea to be kept alone with his thoughts, mostly because he’s only ever had one thought and that was in 1998 and, to be fair, it was more of a nonspecific gurgle than anything you could say was grounded in cognitive perception.

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Tatum O’Neal: ‘Whew, Thank God They Arrested Me For Buying All That Crack’

by Stuart Heritage

If we’d just been arrested for buying a bunch of crack and powder cocaine, we’d be fairly grumpy about it – start the day without crack? We’re not animals!

However, Tatum O’Neal is positively thrilled that the police caught her buying crack in a sting operation. According to her it was apparently the first time she’d bought herself any crack after years of sobriety, and the arrest was like a rough, humiliating intervention from Jesus Christ himself.

What’s more, Tatum O’Neal says that she only turned to crack because her dog died. Seriously. Maybe this is where Amy Winehouse went so wrong – she’d have been an angelic little choirgirl if her guinea pig hadn’t got the sniffles when she was six and a half.

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Threesomes & Sex Tape Duffel Bags

by Stuart Heritage

We know what you’re thinking – that there’s only one thing that’d liven up the ongoing R Kelly child pornography trial.

That’s right – a woman who says she’s been in underage threesomes with R Kelly and the girl everyone thinks is in the R Kelly sex tape, and who also claims that R Kelly used to carry around a giant duffel bag full of his own sex tapes no matter where he went.

Well it’s your lucky day, because that’s exactly what happened to the R Kelly child pornography trial yesterday, and it’s all thanks to star prosecution witness Lisa Van Allen, a woman who bursts into tears whenever anyone asks her what sex with R Kelly was like. That makes us doubt that Lisa Van Allen actually did have sex with R Kelly, by the way, because the correct response to that is prolonged projectile vomiting. Again, that’s prolonged projectile vomiting.

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No Jail For Uma Thurman’s Adorably Kooky Stalker

by Stuart Heritage

Let this be a lesson to you all – you don’t relentlessly stalk Uma Thurman with a series of disturbing gifts and nightmarish doodles and get away with it.

Unless you mean that you’ll go to jail if you stalk Uma Thurman, because if that’s the case then yes, you probably will get away with it – just like Jack Jordan, the man recently found guilty of being Uma Thurman’s crazy stalker. Rather than jail, Jack Jordan has been given three years probation and some outpatient psychiatric treatment.

In addition to this, Jack Jordan has been banned from any contact with Uma Thurman for five years. Which means that the unveiling of his masterwork Man Falling Off Giant Razorblade Into Grave Dug By Giggling Bride Uma Thurman (Oil On Canvas) has been pushed back to 2013, a bitter blow to lovers of creepy deranged art everywhere.

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Is Diddy Doing Cameron Diaz?

by Shawn Lindseth

P Diddy is a very wealthy man. Wealthy enough, in fact, to get us to pose for several embarrassing pictures with 1,000 severed crocodile dongs.

We were paying for college, and no crocodiles were completely killed in the process. Leave us alone.

May we just say that should we ever run for president those pictures are not us, although the likeness is uncanny. Now about Diddy being super wealthy and all – he’s got money spilling out of unnatural places. You’d think he could get any woman he wants – right? Yet somehow he opted for Cameron Diaz, a woman who looks like an onion.

Seriously – picture her there smirking – especially in her new Vegas movie, and then picture an upside down vidalia onion. The shape is exactly the same, hence, Cameron Diaz looks like an onion. This seriously hit us just now.

Anyway, Diddy is apparently dating said onion, and we’ve stumbled across several evidences to prove it.

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Kelsey Grammer’s Heart Gives Out, Slightly

by Stuart Heritage

The only time that Kelsey Grammer had previously been associated with a sense of impending doom was when people heard he was going to be an X-Man.

But that changed in Hawaii this weekend, when Frasier star Kelsey Grammer suffered a heart attack. Don’t panic, though – it was the just the normal kind of mild heart attack that you’d expect from someone with a history of cocaine and alcohol addiction, and Kelsey Grammer is currently recovering in an undisclosed hospital.

Reports that David Hyde Pierce has also had a mild heart attack that was more pernickity and gay-seeming, just to make Kelsey Grammer’s mild heart attack look more normal are rubbish. Seriously, we made them up just now.

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Britney Spears’ Magical Disappearing Belly

by hecklerspray staff

FROM DIETPIXIE – Once, we were entranced by Britney Spears’ pop princess persona – now we’re more bothered about the size of her belly, and what’s bloating it this week.

After rumours of pregnancy have been quashed by Britney’s camp, with her folks saying the bloat was purely down to her medication, she has now been snapped with a shrinking tum.

Read the rest of this entry (opens in new window) >>

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Charlie Sheen Marries Another Bitter Divorcee-In-Waiting

by Stuart Heritage

If we were to make a list of women we’d want to attack in an angry display of jealousy, then Charlie Sheen’s new wife Brooke Mueller would be top of the list.

Why? Because she’s married to Charlie Sheen, that’s why! We’ve had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We’ll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never!

Brooke Mueller, you heed our words – next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it’s funny that your mother’s got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!

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Jack Black Has Another Baby, Nobody Cares

by Stuart Heritage

Since Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman are getting ready to shoot babies out of their nethers, appetite for celebrity babies has never been higher.

Unless you’re Jack Black, of course. If you’re Jack Black then nobody really gives much of a hoot about how many children you’ve got. For instance, it’s all over the news at the moment that Jack Black and his wife Tanya have had their second baby.

How do they know? Were hordes of paparazzi camped outside the maternity wards of every hospital in LA? Had midwives been secretly bribed by celebrity magazines to reveal confidential secrets? No. Jack Black had to tell them that they had the baby ‘about a week ago’ during a premiere. Still, the lack of interest in his baby shouldn’t detract from the photo deal he’s just signed – £3.50 for a half-page spread near the back of What Horsebox magazine.

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