From the category archives:

Celebrity Gossip

Danny Dyer Says Orlando Bloom Can’t Act, Is A Hypocrite

by hecklerspray staff

Dire Danny Dyer has told the ever wonderful Zoo magazine that Orlando Bloom is a “cunt” who “can’t act” .

The famous idiom pot calling the kettle black springs to mind here. Although it’s more a case of the pot calling the kettle a cunt for being a pot.

It’s like Boris Johnson telling David Cameron he has a silly voice and stupid hair and feeling that his party’s views are “a little bit too conservative” for his liking.

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Is Peaches Geldof Going To Jail? Probably Not.

by Paul Sorrenti

Peaches Geldof has been filmed handing over money to a pair of notorious drug-dealers and is to be investigated by the police.

19-year-old Peaches was secretly filmed offering Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton £140 in return for some unspecified goods.

Then Blagrove, ‘dealer to the stars’, tells Peaches what she wants will actually cost her £190.

The extra £50 quid doesn’t deter Peaches, she is after all the daughter of modern day Jesus, Bob Geldof, and it’s good to see the royalties from I don’t like Mondays aren’t going to waste.

Peaches is then reportedly recorded saying:

I’m going to need Valium tomorrow after this.

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Lindsay Lohan To Star In Ugly Betty Season Finale

by Paul Sorrenti

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

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Miley Cyrus Sluts It Up Again At The Disney Channel Games Concert

by Paul Sorrenti

Miley Cyrus rocked the stage last night at the Disney Channel Games Concert, sporting another piece of pornographic attire.

As she thanked fans for their support, singing some old hits and some new, she strutted about the stage in skin-tight, virginal-white jeans and top to match, which left very little to the imagination.

The outfit made a clear definition of the shape of her breasts and bottom. One source who attended the gig told hecklerspray:

It was disgusting. I was standing there, wanting to have an innocent boogie to some of the finest pop-music this millennium has had to offer when, all of a sudden, 15-year-old Miley appears, looking beautiful and slightly sexually arousing, and now I feel like a paedophile. This has got to stop. This would never have happened if Al-Qaeda were in control; either get the girl a hijab and let me boogie in unaroused peace, or burn her.

Miley Cyrus rocked the stage last night at the Disney Channel Games Concert, sporting another piece of pornographic attire. As she thanked fans for their support, singing some old hits and some new, she strutted about the stage in skin-tight, virginal-white jeans and top to match, which left very little to the imagination. The outfit made a clear definition of the shape of her breasts and bottom. One source who attended the gig told hecklerspray: It was disgusting. I was standing there, wanting to have an innocent boogie to some of the finest pop-music this millennium has had to offer when, all of a sudden, 15-year-old Miley appears, looking beautiful and slightly sexually arousing, and now I feel like a paedophile. This has got to stop. This would never have happened if Al-Qaeda were in control; either get the girl a hijab and let me boogie in unaroused peace, or burn her.
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New Miley Cyrus Photos Hark Back To Her Less Slutty Days

by Paul Sorrenti

Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Gary Glitter has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system!

We will gawp and we will gawp and we will gawp; forever demanding more flesh; celebrating her when she supplies it to us and, once her supplies inevitably run out, we shall hound her to the depths of hell which, as Britney Spears’ll testify, is alive and well here on Earth.

And that is when the fun really begins. Mwa ha ha!

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Mark Ronson: Amy Winehouse Not Fit To Do James Bond Justice

by Paul Sorrenti

The planned Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson Bond-theme has been cancelled because, according to Ronson, when it comes to her current mental state, Amy can’t find a quantum of solace anywhere.

However, a spokesman for Winehouse has said that this isn’t the case and that the real reason is to do with a clash of interests regarding the development of the song, of which Amy had “other ideas”.

Is Amy telling the truth, or is it Mark? Who knows? As far as that argument goes, it’s probably best to live and let die.

It’s a terrible shame for all things Bond as, when it comes to musical collaborations, nobody does it better than Winehouse and Ronson.

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‘Paris Hilton’ Is A ‘Dumb-Assed Ni**er’

by Paul Sorrenti

Private Kerry Hylton, 33, a chef with the Welsh Guards who was nicknamed ‘Paris Hilton’ is suing the Army for racial discrimination. Initial rumours suggested Private Hylton earned the nickname after donning a blonde wig, a wonky eye and a Chihuahua for a video he made of himself giving oral sex to his Senior Chief [...]

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Lindsay Lohan ‘Pissed’ Over (Usage Of) Her Own Face

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan is pissed off because an image of her drunken, villainous face has been used in an effort to teach America that ‘not all alcohol users are as irresponsible as people like Lindsay Lohan’ in a full page advert in USA Today on Friday.

The ad was part of a campaign against legislation for convicted drunk-drivers to have Ignition interlocks installed (a device that measures a driver’s blood alcohol level before their vehicle can start) and was funded by the American Beverage Institute, a trade group that supports the interests of the alcohol industry.

Why is the alcohol industry having a go at Lindsay Lohan? Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. What’s next; the American Cake Institute denouncing Rosie O’Donnell?

Madness.

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Tom Cruise On Oprah: Sadly No Spazzy Leaping This Time

by Stuart Heritage

What a week; Iron Man, GTA IV and an anti-climactic interview between Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey- we’re being spoiled here.

Did you know that Tom Cruise was set to appear on Oprah? Did we mention that to you at all? Well, it’s happened – Tom Cruise’s long-anticipated rematch interview with Oprah Winfrey happened today and, boy oh boy, was it ever spectacular!

And if you’re one of those disgusting cynics who thought that this was just a deliberate attempt by Tom Cruise to publicly soften his controversial stance on Scientology and the use of psychiatric drugs in the softball presence of an old friend eager for viewers? Turns out you might have had a bit of a point.

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Jimi Hendrix Sex Tape Is A Big Fat Pile Of Fake – Claim

by Stuart Heritage

Bad news – if you want to see what Jimi Hendrix looks like having sex, you’ll either need a time machine or a shovel and some puppet strings.

Because, we’re sad to report, the much-vaunted Jimi Hendrix sex tape has been exposed as a lie. True, the man having sex looks a whole lot like Jimi Hendrix, but Experience Hendrix – the company which controls Jimi Hendrix’s rights – is now claiming that the tape is a fraud.

And if Experience Hendrix says that the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is a fake, then that’s the truth. It should know better than anyone because it’s made up of members of the Hendrix family. All families have the moral obligation to exactly memorise what their long-dead relatives looked like during sex for this precise reason. We have – have you?

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