Celebrity Gossip
New Moon: Miley Cyrus Really Doesn’t Like Twilight, OK? Jeez
Let's play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice. Things that Miley Cyrus doesn't like: Twilight. There must be other things too - like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper's vagina, probably - but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn't like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn't like Twilight and now it's news. Because that's how news works. In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn't even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.
Let's play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice. Things that Miley Cyrus doesn't like: Twilight. There must be other things too - like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper's vagina, probably - but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn't like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn't like Twilight and now it's news. Because that's how news works. In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn't even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.
This Just In: Levi Johnston’s Penis Obscured By Foliage
Admit it, the highlight of your November was going to involve examining Levi Johnston's penis for protruding veins. Well not any more, tough guy. That just isn't going to happen. Sure, ever since Levi Johnston first announced his upcoming Playgirl spread, everyone had assumed that he'd whap his willy around at some point - but now the Playgirl photoshoot has taken place, and we're sad to report that Levi Johnston keeps it covered up throughout. Obviously by 'sad to report' we mean 'sad that our lives have reached a point where we're expected to express emotion based on whether or not an opportunistic redneck has displayed his genitalia in a magazine for money or not', but you get the point.
Admit it, the highlight of your November was going to involve examining Levi Johnston's penis for protruding veins. Well not any more, tough guy. That just isn't going to happen. Sure, ever since Levi Johnston first announced his upcoming Playgirl spread, everyone had assumed that he'd whap his willy around at some point - but now the Playgirl photoshoot has taken place, and we're sad to report that Levi Johnston keeps it covered up throughout. Obviously by 'sad to report' we mean 'sad that our lives have reached a point where we're expected to express emotion based on whether or not an opportunistic redneck has displayed his genitalia in a magazine for money or not', but you get the point.
Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Design Jewellery Because, Oh, God Knows
Are you impossibly rich? Do you have a legitimately irrational infatuation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Do you like shiny things? Are you a little bit dim? You are? That's brilliant! We've got some wonderful news for you - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have designed their own range of gold and silver jewellery and accessories that's about to go on sale at high-end jewellery stores in London, Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo and Dubai. Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly decided to make a swan out of some scrunched-up tinfoil, and she'll be selling it from the boot of her car outside an abandoned fairground at 2am on Thursday. That's right, Jennifer! That'll show her!
Are you impossibly rich? Do you have a legitimately irrational infatuation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Do you like shiny things? Are you a little bit dim? You are? That's brilliant! We've got some wonderful news for you - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have designed their own range of gold and silver jewellery and accessories that's about to go on sale at high-end jewellery stores in London, Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo and Dubai. Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly decided to make a swan out of some scrunched-up tinfoil, and she'll be selling it from the boot of her car outside an abandoned fairground at 2am on Thursday. That's right, Jennifer! That'll show her!
New Moon Premiere: Taylor Lautner Wears A Shirt For Once
It's just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What's it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously. But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch - nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they've downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too. Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don't have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all's not lost - we've got the next best thing.
It's just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What's it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously. But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch - nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they've downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too. Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don't have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all's not lost - we've got the next best thing.
Michael Jackson: Janet Jackson Blames It On The Doctor
It's been close to half a year, but the question still remains: what killed Michael Jackson? Was it drugs? Was it stress? Was it drugs? Was it financial strain? Or drugs? Drugs? Was it that giant dose of medical-grade anaesthetic he was given right before he died? Could that have anything to do with Michael Jackson's death? Anyone? In the end, though, it doesn't matter what we think. But it does matter what Janet Jackson thinks, because a) Michael Jackson was her brother and b) she's got a greatest hits album out that she needs to plug. And Janet Jackson is pointing the finger squarely at Michael Jackson's doctor.
It's been close to half a year, but the question still remains: what killed Michael Jackson? Was it drugs? Was it stress? Was it drugs? Was it financial strain? Or drugs? Drugs? Was it that giant dose of medical-grade anaesthetic he was given right before he died? Could that have anything to do with Michael Jackson's death? Anyone? In the end, though, it doesn't matter what we think. But it does matter what Janet Jackson thinks, because a) Michael Jackson was her brother and b) she's got a greatest hits album out that she needs to plug. And Janet Jackson is pointing the finger squarely at Michael Jackson's doctor.
Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: And The Tits Just Keep On Coming
The momentum of this Carrie Prejean sex tape scandal is breathtaking - it's just like a Hollywood movie. Alright, maybe not a Hollywood movie. A movie from somewhere that makes crap porn. But a movie nonetheless. It seems as if every day the stakes in the Carrie Prejean sex tape saga get raised just that little bit higher. Now it's emerged that Carrie Prejean didn't simply make one sex tape - she made eight, and took around 30 naughty photos of herself, too. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Maybe tomorrow we'll hear that Carrie Prejean isn't an unremittingly dreadful person after all, allowing someone somewhere to get marginally aroused by any of this.
The momentum of this Carrie Prejean sex tape scandal is breathtaking - it's just like a Hollywood movie. Alright, maybe not a Hollywood movie. A movie from somewhere that makes crap porn. But a movie nonetheless. It seems as if every day the stakes in the Carrie Prejean sex tape saga get raised just that little bit higher. Now it's emerged that Carrie Prejean didn't simply make one sex tape - she made eight, and took around 30 naughty photos of herself, too. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Maybe tomorrow we'll hear that Carrie Prejean isn't an unremittingly dreadful person after all, allowing someone somewhere to get marginally aroused by any of this.
Cindy Crawford Gets Extorted For Some Reason
If you had to extort one former supermodel, chances are Cindy Crawford would be last on your list. What could you possibly extort her with? Naked pictures? Everyone's already seen Cindy Crawford naked. Embarrassing videos? She starred in a mid-1990s erotic thriller with William Baldwin - it's scientifically impossible to get any more embarrassing than that. Then what could possibly be left to extort Cindy Crawford with? A photo of her seven-year-old-daughter tied to a chair and dressed in revealing clothes? And someone's already beaten you to the idea by trying to extort Cindy Crawford with that exact thing? Oh. And, also: yeurgh.
If you had to extort one former supermodel, chances are Cindy Crawford would be last on your list. What could you possibly extort her with? Naked pictures? Everyone's already seen Cindy Crawford naked. Embarrassing videos? She starred in a mid-1990s erotic thriller with William Baldwin - it's scientifically impossible to get any more embarrassing than that. Then what could possibly be left to extort Cindy Crawford with? A photo of her seven-year-old-daughter tied to a chair and dressed in revealing clothes? And someone's already beaten you to the idea by trying to extort Cindy Crawford with that exact thing? Oh. And, also: yeurgh.
Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: But What Does Donald Trump Think?
If you're new to this, here's a recap: Carrie Prejean made a sex tape when she was 17 and sent it to Larry King. Or something. What with all the on-air tantrums and over-use of the word 'inappropriate' and solo sex tapes that are either illegal or just plain sexy, this Carrie Prejean kerfuffle is exploding off in so many directions that it's become impossible to contain. What we need is someone to simplify everyone. Someone with an air of natural authority. Someone with a haircut that looks like a monkey's matted stab wound. That's right, we need Donald Trump. And, because this is a thing that has happened and Donald Trump will shrivel up and die unless someone's constantly paying attention to him, he's obliged. Hooray.
If you're new to this, here's a recap: Carrie Prejean made a sex tape when she was 17 and sent it to Larry King. Or something. What with all the on-air tantrums and over-use of the word 'inappropriate' and solo sex tapes that are either illegal or just plain sexy, this Carrie Prejean kerfuffle is exploding off in so many directions that it's become impossible to contain. What we need is someone to simplify everyone. Someone with an air of natural authority. Someone with a haircut that looks like a monkey's matted stab wound. That's right, we need Donald Trump. And, because this is a thing that has happened and Donald Trump will shrivel up and die unless someone's constantly paying attention to him, he's obliged. Hooray.
