Celebrity Betting

OK, OK, the Christmas number one is going to be that weird Scottish X Factor boy and his horrible Mariah Carey song - but let's forget about that.

Because for the first part of this week we'll be looking at the Christmas number one betting odds not including Sobby X Factor Cry-Boy. With him and his ratty hair and funny teeth out of the way, the Christmas number one betting odds market is wide open - wide open to all the other crummy ballads and shit-awful novelty records that are released at this time of year. And, really, isn't that what Christmas is all about? Isn't it?

Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Soulja Boy, Alesha Dixon and Sugababes…

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Aside from wondering which of your relatives you'll end up punching over dinner or who actually knocked Mary up instead of God, the biggest annual Christmas mystery is who'll be Christmas number one.

Well, whoever wins X Factor, obviously. The X Factor winner could fart in a metal dustbin and it'd be the Christmas number one these days - but who'll be the 2007 Christmas number one not including the X Factor winner? That's what we're going to spend the first half of this week looking at, and you'd better appreciate it because listening to some of the awful Christmas number one contenders this year has been worse spending a year trapped in a collapsed mine eating our poo for sustenance, and that's a stone-cold fact.

So who'll be Christmas number one this year? Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Shaun The Sheep, Mariah Carey and Girls Aloud, with help from Paddy Power…

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Different celebrity chefs have different trademarks - like Gordon Ramsay's purple-faced screaming, Jamie Oliver's weird obsession with schoolchildren or Delia Smith's sausagey fingers - and everyone knows Nigella Lawson's trademark.

Nigella Lawson has made her name by the way she moans and yelps at her food like she's wearing a pair of industrial vibro-pants, the way she describes food in such a wantonly sexual way that we swear we once heard her mumble something about wiping a bruschetta on her tits because we'd all been naughty boys and, of course, her recipe for Caramel Croissant Pudding, which is just frankly to die for. Anyway, Nigella Lawson has just done an interview with Esquire magazine. An interview in a tin-foil dress. An interview in a tin-foil dress that's mostly about sex. And, boys, if your back is covered with hair, Nigella would like you to form an orderly queue.

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Poor old OJ Simpson. We expect that the only thing keeping him going throughout the If I Did It palaver and his recent arrest for armed robbery was his $125 fake Rolex - and now OJ Simpson hasn't even got that.

A judge has ordered OJ Simpson to turn over his Rolex watch, videogame royalties and any 'stolen' memorabilia that OJ can prove he owns to the family of murdered Ron Goldman as part of the $33.5 million in damages that OJ Simpson was ordered to pay in his infamous civil case. The only thing is that OJ Simpson's watch isn't the $22,000 Rolex Submariner that the Goldmans think it is, but a $125 counterfeit that Simpson must've picked up on the street somewhere. This is bad news all round - the Goldmans are a lot further from getting their $33.5 million than they thought, OJ Simpson will have to pay off his debt to the Goldmans for a lot longer than he thought and we'll have to keep writing about OJ Simpson's various assets for longer than we thought.

Really, we're the ones coming off worst out of this.

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It's the last day of our Spice Girls pregnancy betting odds, where we've basically decided that everyone can exploit the beauty of human childbirth for financial gain. Why? Because we can.

In three months, the Spice Girls will head out on their great big comeback reunion world tour. The Spice Girls have got a lot riding on that tour - we're been told they'll earn around £10 million each from it - and the last thing any of them will want is for one of them to get pregnant beforehand, as unplanned pregnancies aren't especially girl power. But three months is an awful long time and the Spice Girls, as they say, like it up 'em. So will any of the Spice Girls get pregnant before their reunion tour is over? And if so, which one will get knocked up first?

So far this week we've looked at Baby, Scary, Ginger and Sporty, leaving just one Spice Girl for today. So here are the Spice Girls pregnancy betting odds for Posh Spice Victoria Beckham, with help from Paddy Power…

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Our week of poking around the reproductive systems of the Spice Girls and loudly wondering when they're going to get pregnant and make us rich is slowly drawing to a close.

For the newcomers, this week we're looking at some Spice Girls pregnancy betting odds because - even though all of the Spice Girls have reportedly been banned from getting pregnant until their reunion tour is over next year, you must remember that all the Spice Girls are generally stupid and one of them is bound to accidentally get knocked up by some bloke a couple of shows in. For it is the law.

So far we've done Baby Spice, Scary Spice and Ginger Spice, so today here are the Spice Girls pregnancy betting odds for Sporty Spice Mel C, with help from Paddy Power…

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We're continuing to mark the traditional week of emptiness that follows the end of a Big Brother season the only way we can - by shutting our eyes real tight and wishing that someone would knock Geri Halliwell up.

Our fun-filled week of Spice Girls pregnancy betting odds is now halfway through, but if you're new to this, let us explain - the Spice Girls are reforming at the end of this year for a highly lucrative world tour. But, since it's the Spice Girls, something is bound to go horribly wrong before the end of the tour, and we're guessing that it'll be something to do with one of their ovaries. Hence the Spice Girls pregnancy betting odds, where we take a look at each of the Spice Girls and try to work out which one of them is most likely to fall pregnant first before they split up again.

We've already looked at Baby and Scary this week, so here are the Spice Girls pregnancy betting odds for Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell, with help from Paddy Power…

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This week we're filling the post-Big Brother betting odds voids the only way we know how - by staring at the ovaries of the Spice Girls and screaming "Fertilise, damn you! Fertilise! We've got money on this!"

That's because the Spice Girls are getting ready to reform and go on a big world tour, and that means if any of them get pregnant they'll ruin everything. But this is the Spice Girls we're talking about, so one of them is bound to get themselves knocked up before the group splits up again. But which one? It's a good job we're here, isn't it - that's exactly what we're profiling this week. Yesterday we looked at the chances of Emma Bunton getting pregnant - and today?

Today we're going to be looking at the Spice Girls pregnancy betting odds for Scary Spice Mel B, with help as ever from Paddy Power…

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Now that Big Brother has been, outstayed its welcome sightly and then gone again, it's time to look elsewhere for something to give you betting odds on - and where better to look than up the wombs of the Spice Girls?

Why are we doing Spice Girls betting odds? Simple - because there's nothing else to do betting odds about we really really like the Spice Girls. A lot. And we can't wait for the forthcoming Spice Girls reunion concerts at the end of the year. But there's one thing that might well screw up the Spice Girls reunion - a pregnant Spice Girl. Now, although we're told that the Spice Girls are under a strict 'no getting pregnant' rule, what's girl power if it isn't getting unexpectedly knocked up?

All this week we'll be profiling the chances that each of the Spice Girls have of being the first to fall pregnant before they split up again, and we're starting with the least likely. So here are today's Spice Girls pregnancy betting odds - for Baby Spice Emma Bunton - with help from Paddy Power…

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A recent delegation of international scientists recently announced that if Kevin Federline keeps knocking up girls at the furious rate he's currently maintaining, it will take just three generations for everybody on Earth to be a little bit Federline.

Luckily, though, we can all breathe safe - reports that Kevin Federline has got his ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson pregnant are being steadfastly denied by all parties. Don't pretend you're not disappointed - you want to see Kevin Federline keep up his herculean baby-a-year knocking-up rate just as much as we do. If K-Fed slows down, he'll never be able to effectively colonise the planet with vast wads of his spoo. And that'll be his loss, as a planet exclusively consisting of his own flesh and blood seems to be the only way that Kevin Federline will ever actually shift a meaningful amount of Playing With Fire CDs.

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Here we go, then, this week's last instalment of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - where we take an in-depth look at a couple of countries, decide if Angelina Jolie will adopt from there next, place a bet and inevitably become hugely rich.

However, something's occurred to us - remember yesterday's news about a gang of criminals wanting to kidnap little Pax Thien Jolie and charge Angelina Jolie £50 million to get him back? Well, if Angelina Jolie is smart, she'll return to Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam to adopt back-up children. That way, if any of her adopted kids do get kidnapped, there'll be another one waiting to take their place. It'll save Angelina Jolie £50 million and a whole lot of tears, that's for sure.

Here's the final part of our Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - for China and India - with help from Paddy Power…

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We're in the penultimate day of our superbly-observed and only marginally tasteless Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds, where we decide to seize upon the public mood by trying to get you to make money from guessing where Angelina Jolie adopts from next.

But, look, we're going to level with you here. We've come across something we weren't really anticipating. As always, we've been rattling through these betting odds from the bottom up - and that's great fun when it comes to dashing off jokey profiles about why Angelina Jolie would want to adopt a nice little Welsh kid. But now that the week is nearly over we've realised that now we've kind of committed ourselves to write jokey profiles about why Angelina Jolie would want to adopt a baby from the battlefields of Somalia. Hear that sound? That's us shooting ourselves in the foot.

Still place bets, though. Seriously, Somalia is a steal.

Here are the Angelina Jolie adoption betting odds - for the Philippines and Somalia -with help from Paddy Power…

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