From the category archives:

Celebrity Astronime Domini

Are Rihanna & Chris Brown Married Now? Oh, For God’s Sake

by Stuart Heritage

All girls have their dream wedding mapped out inside their heads, we’re told – and that even goes for Rihanna.

Rihanna is a traditionalist at heart. She wants what all girls want – to accept a damage-limiting, guilt-informed marriage proposal from a boy who was recently alleged to have punched her repeatedly in the face, choked her unconscious and ran away. It’s just like in that romantic fairy tale, Nil By Mouth.

That’s right, Rihanna and Chris Brown have apparently got married. Upon hearing this, seismologists put any recent earthquakes down to the reaction to the ‘if any person present’ part of their service.

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Michael Jackson Is Coming To London, It Says Here

by Stuart Heritage

OK, let’s play a game – how long before Michael Jackson cancels his big comeback concerts in London?

Because, let’s face it, he will. Although Michael Jackson is supposedly going to announce a spectacular series of 30 comeback concerts at London’s O2 tomorrow, there can’t be anyone who’s actually expecting them to, you know, happen.

So what’ll it be? Will Michael Jackson ditch the concerts once he’s accepted the cheque? Will he pull out at the last possible second? Or will he perform the shows, regain his place in the pop elite and never look back? No, we’re just messing. He won’t.

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Place Your Bids: Octomom Nadya Suleman Sells Her Birth Tape

by Stuart Heritage

Weirdos, were you upset when you discovered that Nadya Suleman wouldn’t star in that multiperson porn film?

You were? Well hope is here! Because what’s better than watching a video of a sweaty red-faced woman who looks a bit like Angelina Jolie shoving eight normal men up her at once? That’s right, a video of a sweaty red-faced woman who looks a bit like Angelina Jolie having eight screaming blood-covered midgets yanked out of her hacked-open stomach!

Which is to say that Octomom Nadya Suleman is considering selling her birth tape to the highest bidder. Mmm, someone pass the Kleenex.

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Katie Holmes Admits She Courted Her Fame As Part Of ‘TomKat’

by hecklerspray staff

Katie Holmes is a woman whom many find enigmatic. She was once Joey Potter on Dawson’s Creek and now she is known for being little more than the kept woman looking all shiny eyed, whilst hanging off Tom Cruise’s arm.

The actress and mother is the subject of much speculation and often ridicule.

Some think that she is the kid who got lucky and married her childhood crush, while others think that she is the target of a clever Scientology-based blind date system, where the winner gets to be shackled to their famous mate for the rest of their lives.

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All Aboard The High School Musical 4 Bus

by Shawn Lindseth

If you are anything like hecklerspray then your high school experience can be summed up with just a few words: plague-like bloody diarrhoea, ultra massive steroid use, and posing nude so the seniors can properly take their anatomy final. There was never any spontaneous singing though – and a good thing too, because that would [...]

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Britney Spears Does Concert, Stays Sane, People Surprised

by Stuart Heritage

The phrase ‘Britney’s back’ terrifies us – usually because it’s followed by ‘Britney’s bald head’ and ‘Britney’s clodge’.

But this time Britney really is back. Yesterday, Britney Spears kicked off her 32-date comeback tour – almost certainly the most exhausting thing she’s done recently, excluding any activities involving umbrellas, cars or uncontrollable roadside weeping.

And guess what? Britney Spears’ first concert was a success. We know this because the people who consider themselves rabid enough Britney Spears fans to justify spending hundreds of dollars to watch a past-her-prime singer jiggle around in a number of impractical and ill-fitting costumes said it was.

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Usher Apologises For Something Vaguely About Chris Brown

by Stuart Heritage

Giving a jetski to Chris Brown is like giving a hammer to a shark – it’s totally irrelevant, but it winds people up.

OK, not people. Just Usher. When Usher saw the photos of Chris Brown larking around on a jetski in Miami recently, he decided that Chris wasn’t showing an appropriate level of remorse and gave him a jolly good tongue-lashing. Now, though, Usher has decided to apologise for his outburst.

But more fool Usher – in actual fact Chris Brown was using the jetski to scout for mermaids he could punch in the face. Usher was right first time! The shame!

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Gosh! Angelina Jolie’s Hair! It’s Very Very Slightly Different!

by Stuart Heritage

Sit down for this one, it’s huge – Angelina Jolie’s haircut looks marginally different to how it usually looks.

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Sharon Osbourne Sued By Only Woman More Mannish Than Her

by Stuart Heritage

Sharon Osbourne needs to learn that she can’t just attack someone without experiencing any repercussions.

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Jonas Brothers Topless In 3D Movie: All 12-Year-Old Girls Have Just Exploded

by Paul Gibson

Attention, girls and creepy old men: the Jonas Brothers go boobs-out in their new film!

We’ve seen some pretty nasty things at the cinema. Saw II. Albanian midgetporn. And that bit in The Love Guru between getting out of the car and getting back in the car – just sickening.

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