From the category archives:

Celebrity Astronime Domini

Adele: More Than Happy To Date Common Low-Lifes Like You

by Matthew Laidlow

Ever seen someone on the TV and thought “I wish I could marry you and live with you in a castle in the clouds”?

You haven’t? We should possibly keep our strange Katy Perry fantasies to ourselves. But otherwise, we expect you to have fancied someone famous at some point.

Go on admit it. When you were younger your bedroom was plastered full of photos of your favourite musician. Take That fans for example have never removed their promotional photos of their heroes. The chances of you meeting someone famous on a Saturday night are low. But times are changing! Adele wants to meet someone non-famous, and there’s no catch apparently.

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Octomom Nadya Suleman Is Literally Nuts: Official (Sort Of)

by Stuart Heritage

Stop the press – apparently Nadya Suleman, the woman famous for having eight whole human babies at once, is nuts.

We know! That was the last thing we expected too! To look at Octomom Nadya Suleman, with her 14 kids and unsigned porno contract and flap of loose abdominal skin that could feasibly be stretched out, nailed to a fence and used as an industrial-sized animal trampoline, you’d think she was the perfect picture of psychiatric normality.

But no. Nadya Suleman’s publicist has just decided to quit, on the basis that his client is ‘nuts’. Denise Richards’ publicist, we hope you’re taking notes.

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Now Amy Winehouse Gets Charged With Being A Massive Git Too

by Stuart Heritage

Look, let’s not dilly-dally – this is an Amy Winehouse story, so it’s either going to be about drugs or violence.

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Megan Fox To Only Do SciFi: One Demographic Just Jizzed Itself

by Paul Gibson

This is a sponsored article, brought to you in association with Atkinson’s Sports Socks: now twice as absorbent.

We must begin with an apology to the nation’s High School teachers: you are about to experience an outbreak amongst your male pupils of awkwardly hunched walking, unwillingness to stand up, and the drawing of hugely-penised human-like robots – bearing the faces of your pupils – rogering SciFi film heroines.

Sorry.

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Brad Pitt Goes To Washington, Nancy Pelosi Pees A Little Bit

by Stuart Heritage

In these times of immense global hardships, it’s reassuring that governments are doing what they need to do.

Like creaming themselves over Brad Pitt. Wait, no, hang on, what? Even though it’s probably right at the very bottom of their priority list – just after ‘stop the world slumping into an irreversible environmental and financial catastrophe’ and ‘buy more milk for the fridge’ – the entire US government froze up yesterday so that Brad Pitt could chat to senior politicians, including the actual president, about charity.

Next week: Jennifer Aniston shouts at the Lithuanian interior minister through a megaphone about her fingernails.

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Chris Brown Charged With Being A Massive, Massive Git

by Stuart Heritage

Chris Brown has tried all sorts – apologising, getting back with Rihanna, gleefully norking around on a jetski.

But it hasn’t worked. Yesterday Chris Brown was formally charged with two felonies regarding his alleged thumping of Rihanna – assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats – which could land him a jail sentence of up to five years.

What’s more, a detective’s affidavit has also been released, describing exactly what transpired that night. Oddly, it doesn’t seem to think that it was all Rihanna’s fault for having a funny voice. Jeez, don’t these policemen read the hecklerspray comment section?

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Vince Vaughn Gets Engaged To Kyla Weber, Whoever She Is

by Stuart Heritage

You know what makes Vince Vaughn horny? Property. Make Vince watch Location Location Location and he’ll start dry-humping whatever’s closest to him.

Probably. And Vince Vaughn’s possibly-fictitious property fetish goes even further – not only do we expect that he often rubs his groin up and down the kitchen section of Habitat, but he’s also just got engaged to real estate agent Kyla Weber.

Amusingly, the details of Vince Vaughn’s engagement are spectacularly vague – but all that matters is that Vince Vaughn is happy. And also that Jennifer Aniston will have definitely railroaded John Mayer into getting engaged to her by teatime.

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Miley Cyrus Shares Her Godlike Wisdom In New Autobiography

by Stuart Heritage

We don’t know what’s more surprising – the fact that Miley Cyrus has written an autobiography or the fact that it’s not written in wax crayon.

Oh, we’re joking. After all, Miley Cyrus is 16, so she’s got over an entire decade of bittersweet life lessons to share with the world – you know, about potty training and riding a bike without stabilisers and whatnot.

Anyway, at this rate volume two of the autobiography will be released when Miley Cyrus is 32, and she’s bound to have been through a couple of drug problems by then. So at least that one will be interesting.

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Some School Offers Post-Graduate Beatles Degree, Calls It Education

by Shawn Lindseth

Usually when hecklerspray attends job interviews with a resume in-hand, the interviewers ask us things like “That thar piece a paper say you know how to dig graves?” Which it doesn’t – and it never has. For years the only thing our resume has had printed on it are the words me, work and good. [...]

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Reese Withspoon Still All Like Boo Hoo Hoo About Her Divorce

by Stuart Heritage

Remember when Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe got divorced? No, no of course you don’t remember.

That’d be ridiculous. Nobody on the face of the planet – including the parents of both Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe – cares about Reese Witherspoon or Ryan Phillipe enough to retain the knowledge that they were even married, let alone that they got divorced.

And this has angered Reese Witherspoon. So much so that, three full years after her divorce, she’s decided to open up about it to Elle magazine. If you won’t read on, Reese’s summary is roughly: “Blah blah blah whine moan blah.”

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