Celebrity Astronime Domini
Rihanna & Chris Brown Recording World’s Most Grisly Duet?
Rihanna's last album was called Good Girl Gone Bad. Here's betting that her next one will be called Bad Girl Gone Stupid. Because really. Rihanna getting back with Chris Brown after he allegedly beat her up was one thing, but now? Now it's been reported that Rihanna and Chris Brown are currently in a recording studio together because - wait for it - they're actually recording a duet. We don't know what the Rihanna/ Chris Brown duet will be called, but we hear it'll be the lead single from the forthcoming compilation album Now That's What I Call Spectacularly Misinformed Career Choices.
Rihanna's last album was called Good Girl Gone Bad. Here's betting that her next one will be called Bad Girl Gone Stupid. Because really. Rihanna getting back with Chris Brown after he allegedly beat her up was one thing, but now? Now it's been reported that Rihanna and Chris Brown are currently in a recording studio together because - wait for it - they're actually recording a duet. We don't know what the Rihanna/ Chris Brown duet will be called, but we hear it'll be the lead single from the forthcoming compilation album Now That's What I Call Spectacularly Misinformed Career Choices.
Hooray! Jessica Simpson Isn’t Quite As Fat As She Used To Be
As a normal human being, you've probably spent the last few months fretting endlessly about Jessica Simpson. Is she fat? Is she thin? Is she thinner but still a bit fat? If you waved a gateaux under her nose would she bite your arms off at the elbows to get it? These are important questions, and Jessica Simpson wasn't answering them. Now she has. Jessica Simpson performed a concert on Sunday in a tiny pair of Daisy Duke shorts, which means she's either thin again or they've started making Daisy Dukes in massive sizes. Who can really say for sure?
As a normal human being, you've probably spent the last few months fretting endlessly about Jessica Simpson. Is she fat? Is she thin? Is she thinner but still a bit fat? If you waved a gateaux under her nose would she bite your arms off at the elbows to get it? These are important questions, and Jessica Simpson wasn't answering them. Now she has. Jessica Simpson performed a concert on Sunday in a tiny pair of Daisy Duke shorts, which means she's either thin again or they've started making Daisy Dukes in massive sizes. Who can really say for sure?
Guy Ritchie & Jemima Khan: Genuinely Rubbish Couple Alert
Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn't like women with stupid accents. Because that's incontestable fact. Until recently Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna, whose bizarre mid-Atlantic accent made her sound exactly like Lloyd Grossman choking on grape skins - and now it's been rumoured that he's hooked up with Jemima Khan, the horsey aristocrat who used to go out with Hugh Grant. And, as we all known, Jemima Khan is so furiously posh that her voice sounds a mouse stuck up a chimney who can only communicate in vowel-sounds. Well done, Guy Ritchie.
Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn't like women with stupid accents. Because that's incontestable fact. Until recently Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna, whose bizarre mid-Atlantic accent made her sound exactly like Lloyd Grossman choking on grape skins - and now it's been rumoured that he's hooked up with Jemima Khan, the horsey aristocrat who used to go out with Hugh Grant. And, as we all known, Jemima Khan is so furiously posh that her voice sounds a mouse stuck up a chimney who can only communicate in vowel-sounds. Well done, Guy Ritchie.
Kanye West Is Jesus 2.0 Apparently
There is nothing more amusing than watching someone in the street who is proclaiming the world is going to end. Still, they’ve at least given us enough warning to book our rocket ship so we can picnic on the moon whilst watching the world implode. But if you can’t do this, what do you do? Thankfully these religious nutjobs are always wrong and we survive another day whilst they scurry away to the local off license. Now a more high-profile idiot has emerged to literally put the fear into us all. Kanye West is convinced that God chose him. We’re not exactly sure for what, but if it’s for being a gimp, the choice was perfect.
There is nothing more amusing than watching someone in the street who is proclaiming the world is going to end. Still, they’ve at least given us enough warning to book our rocket ship so we can picnic on the moon whilst watching the world implode. But if you can’t do this, what do you do? Thankfully these religious nutjobs are always wrong and we survive another day whilst they scurry away to the local off license. Now a more high-profile idiot has emerged to literally put the fear into us all. Kanye West is convinced that God chose him. We’re not exactly sure for what, but if it’s for being a gimp, the choice was perfect.
Rihanna To Get £7m If Chris Brown Ever Gets Punchy On Her
You're Rihanna, and you've just got back with your boyfriend after he apparently hit and threatened to kill you. What happens next? Well, it's obvious. You bash out a deal with him whereby you get £7 million if he ever does it again. That's apparently the deal that Rihanna has struck with Chris Brown, if reports are to be believed. Personally we'd have stuck out for a 'stop releasing your bad records' clause, but it was Rihanna's choice. Incidentally, Rihanna plans to release her next single - entitled Hey Chris Brown, You're A Pansy With A Minuscule Penis - in the summer.
You're Rihanna, and you've just got back with your boyfriend after he apparently hit and threatened to kill you. What happens next? Well, it's obvious. You bash out a deal with him whereby you get £7 million if he ever does it again. That's apparently the deal that Rihanna has struck with Chris Brown, if reports are to be believed. Personally we'd have stuck out for a 'stop releasing your bad records' clause, but it was Rihanna's choice. Incidentally, Rihanna plans to release her next single - entitled Hey Chris Brown, You're A Pansy With A Minuscule Penis - in the summer.
Adele: More Than Happy To Date Common Low-Lifes Like You
Ever seen someone on the TV and thought “I wish I could marry you and live with you in a castle in the clouds”? You haven’t? We should possibly keep our strange Katy Perry fantasies to ourselves. But otherwise, we expect you to have fancied someone famous at some point. Go on admit it. When you were younger your bedroom was plastered full of photos of your favourite musician. Take That fans for example have never removed their promotional photos of their heroes. The chances of you meeting someone famous on a Saturday night are low. But times are changing! Adele wants to meet someone non-famous, and there’s no catch apparently.
Ever seen someone on the TV and thought “I wish I could marry you and live with you in a castle in the clouds”? You haven’t? We should possibly keep our strange Katy Perry fantasies to ourselves. But otherwise, we expect you to have fancied someone famous at some point. Go on admit it. When you were younger your bedroom was plastered full of photos of your favourite musician. Take That fans for example have never removed their promotional photos of their heroes. The chances of you meeting someone famous on a Saturday night are low. But times are changing! Adele wants to meet someone non-famous, and there’s no catch apparently.
Octomom Nadya Suleman Is Literally Nuts: Official (Sort Of)
Stop the press - apparently Nadya Suleman, the woman famous for having eight whole human babies at once, is nuts. We know! That was the last thing we expected too! To look at Octomom Nadya Suleman, with her 14 kids and unsigned porno contract and flap of loose abdominal skin that could feasibly be stretched out, nailed to a fence and used as an industrial-sized animal trampoline, you'd think she was the perfect picture of psychiatric normality. But no. Nadya Suleman's publicist has just decided to quit, on the basis that his client is 'nuts'. Denise Richards' publicist, we hope you're taking notes.
Stop the press - apparently Nadya Suleman, the woman famous for having eight whole human babies at once, is nuts. We know! That was the last thing we expected too! To look at Octomom Nadya Suleman, with her 14 kids and unsigned porno contract and flap of loose abdominal skin that could feasibly be stretched out, nailed to a fence and used as an industrial-sized animal trampoline, you'd think she was the perfect picture of psychiatric normality. But no. Nadya Suleman's publicist has just decided to quit, on the basis that his client is 'nuts'. Denise Richards' publicist, we hope you're taking notes.
Now Amy Winehouse Gets Charged With Being A Massive Git Too
Look, let's not dilly-dally - this is an Amy Winehouse story, so it's either going to be about drugs or violence. Or, at a push, degenerative skin conditions. But, no, we shouldn't toy with you - after all, stories about Amy Winehouse's degenerative skin conditions are a rare and valuable delicacy, much like scabby truffles. Actually, this is a violence-based Amy Winehouse story - she's been charged with assault after allegedly punching a dancer in the face. Upon hearing this news, Chris Brown is thought to have exclaimed "Punched someone in the face, eh?" before developing a visible erection and politely excusing himself.
Look, let's not dilly-dally - this is an Amy Winehouse story, so it's either going to be about drugs or violence. Or, at a push, degenerative skin conditions. But, no, we shouldn't toy with you - after all, stories about Amy Winehouse's degenerative skin conditions are a rare and valuable delicacy, much like scabby truffles. Actually, this is a violence-based Amy Winehouse story - she's been charged with assault after allegedly punching a dancer in the face. Upon hearing this news, Chris Brown is thought to have exclaimed "Punched someone in the face, eh?" before developing a visible erection and politely excusing himself.
