Celebrity Astronime Domini
Wow, we were right - Britney Spears really did drop her second baby boy yesterday, disappointing everyone around the world who'd thought that Britney Spears had nailed the dumb baby name thing at Jailynn, her preferred name for a girl.
So far, there has only been second-hand news about the Britney Spears baby, most notably from the father of Britney Spears who has reportedly declared that "everything's great." News outlets are still awaiting official confirmation of the baby's birth, name and condition, and also confirmation that - at some point between the baby's birth and right now - Britney Spears somehow managed to get knocked up by Kevin Federline again.
Here's some news so breaking that we're not sure how true it is - it's being reported that Britney Spears has given birth to her second baby boy with husband turned grossly inept rapper Kevin Federline.
Details on the apparent birth of the second Britney Spears baby are thin on the ground, but here's what we know. Or what we
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Of all the stars of Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria is by far the most entertaining. Not because of her acting ability or anything, but because she seems pathologically unable to not say a bunch of ridiculous crap all the time.
Now Eva Longoria has said that Desperate Housewives will be the last time any of you plebs see her on TV - after that you'll all have to go and pay to see her at the cinema because Eva Longoria is going to be a big movie star. And we're obviously happy to go along with Eva Longoria's plan to keep away from our TV screens, especially if it means she stops making those shit adverts about how nice her hair looks.
If you had to compile a list of all the scary things out there, first down on the paper would probably be things like spiders, ghosts, Sharon Osbourne and terrorist attacks, but Jessica Simpson? Really?
If the things in Jessica Simpson's head were real, then Jessica Simpson would be the most terrifying thing in the whole world. Also, degree courses would be taught about the mise-en-scene of the These Boots Are Made For Walking pop video and everyone's skin would be painted orange in homage to her, but that's beside the point. Jessica Simpson says that all men are scared of her. But it's OK, because Jessica Simpson has also revealed that she's completely in love with herself.
We all know and love Fergie, don't we? She's the woman from the Black Eyed Peas who seems to exclusively sing about her tits like she's just discovered that they're there.
However, there's a dark secret that nobody knew about Fergie - once upon a time, Fergie was addicted to drugs, especially crystal meth. What's that? You did know about Fergie's old drug addictions? OK, so did we but - hey - Fergie's got to try and sell that godawful London Bridge song one way or another, so she's decided to spout off about drugs. Again.
Last night Madonna was due to perform her first-ever concert in Moscow, except she pushed the date back a day in case she inadvertently offended anyone marking the anniversary of 9/11.
But guess what? Madonna is going to offend loads of people tonight. Before the concert takes place, Madonna has been hit with the full-force of protests from the Russian Orthodox Church. However, this time the protests aren't about the way that Madonna deliberately courts controversy by taking the piss out of Jesus with her tired old mirrored cross Live To Tell routine, but because church leaders are worried that a woman of her age running around in the extreme cold of Moscow in those tiny leotards could get chilblains on her labia.
Oh, OK, they're angry at Madonna's Jesus thing.
Tom Cruise must be developing a bit of a thick skin to all the criticism he's been getting in his personal and professional knife recently, but the worst has just come - Moby has slammed Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
That's right - Moby, the tiny bald undernourished-looking techno moron most famous for making an entire album so unutterably bland that he managed to sell every single track to different TV ads, has really stuck it to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, calling them "grotesque" for putting Suri Cruise on the cover of Vanity Fair.
Now, there's only one outcome to this spat that can benefit anybody at all - Moby and Tom Cruise need to have a boxing match to settle their dispute and hopefully destroy each other forever. Does anyone have Don King's phone number?
It was just over seven years ago that Dana Plato, best known for being Socrates' favourite student and founding the Academy in Athens, passed away of a drug overdose, and now her philosophically-driven good name is being dug up to be sullied once again in the US legal system.
Dana Plato from Diff'rent Strokes died in a trailer with her boyfriend not being too far off. Her son seems to blame said boyfriend entirely for his mother's premature giving-up of the ghost, and is pretty sure he can squeeze a financial benefit from the sad situation. Plato's old boyfriend, we've heard from our shifty-eyed janitor, was at first bummed about having to pay for a lawyer, but has since worked out a deal where payments can be made in bone marrow and a loose kidney.
But we really can't vouch for that.
