From the category archives:

Celebrity Astronime Domini

Hey, Even Octomom Nadya Suleman Thinks She’s Nuts Now

by Stuart Heritage

As a mother of 14 constantly-pooing children, Nadya Suleman should have a lot on her hands right now.

Like, you know, looking after them. Or, at a push, being so cripplingly calcium-depleted that her entire skeleton would probably disintegrate in on itself the moment she starts to lactate. But no, because Nadya Suleman has found the one TV she hasn’t yet appeared on – Dr Phil – and appeared on it.

And on Dr Phil Nadya Suleman claimed that she was being irrational when she decided to have those last eight kids. She’s irrational? Quick, someone pass her that porn contract!

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Coolio Gets Charged With Essentially Being Full Of Crack

by Stuart Heritage

As a former Big Brother housemate, Coolio had two options open to him – public nudity or a fitness DVD.

But Coolio is his own man. And that’s why he’s chosen a third way – being charged with crack possession and battery after allegedly being caught with quantities of the drug at LAX.

We’re surprised too. Who’d have thought that Coolio – the objectionable bulgy-eyed hasbeen rapper who can’t buy hats without thinking “I know, I’ll chop a bloody great hole in this hat so that my hair sticks out the top like a SODDING PINEAPPLE” – would be involved with crack? For shame.

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Rihanna: It Was Chris Brown’s Manager’s Fault (Unless It Wasn’t)

by Stuart Heritage

The alleged Chris Brown/ Rihanna fight started with a booty text – OK, a confusing hatred of women and a booty text.

But who sent it? Some said it was Kim Kardashian, who liked Chris Brown because her bottom is large and dense enough to absorb most violent attacks. Some said it was Paris Hilton, because her catchphrase of “That’s hot” could easily be adapted if Chris Brown decided to attack her with a poker.

But apparently the woman who sent Chris Brown the booty text that enraged Rihanna so much was his manager Tina Davis, who’s – what’s the word? – old.

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Kelly Clarkson Thinks All Children Can Eff Off

by Stuart Heritage

OK, Kelly Clarkson didn’t say all children can eff off – but if she had any of her own she’d utterly resent them.

OK, she didn’t say that either. But she probably would, because Kelly Clarkson has told a newspaper that she’d be a terrible mother. And, although she didn’t specify it in so many words, we’d guess that she’d make a fairly rubbish dad as well.

This is because Kelly Clarkson thinks her job is too selfish, and not because she wouldn’t be able to get used to all the constant atoneal shrieking. She’s already desensitised to that, for some reason.

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Britney Spears Wants You To Know About Her Genitals. For Once

by Stuart Heritage

In the past, when people have said that Britney Spears is back, it was always a little bit meek and halfhearted.

But now Britney Spears is BACK! Because, fair enough, some people might think Britney Spears is a best-selling pop megastar, and the release of her recent album does reflect a kind of resurrection in that respect.

The rest of us, though, know Britney Spears as the woman with a startling obsession with her own vagina. And on Sunday in Tampa, Britney Spears ended a concert by shrieking “My pussy is hanging out!” It’s wonderful to have you back, Britney.

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Rihanna & Chris Brown Recording World’s Most Grisly Duet?

by Stuart Heritage

Rihanna’s last album was called Good Girl Gone Bad. Here’s betting that her next one will be called Bad Girl Gone Stupid.

Because really. Rihanna getting back with Chris Brown after he allegedly beat her up was one thing, but now? Now it’s been reported that Rihanna and Chris Brown are currently in a recording studio together because – wait for it – they’re actually recording a duet.

We don’t know what the Rihanna/ Chris Brown duet will be called, but we hear it’ll be the lead single from the forthcoming compilation album Now That’s What I Call Spectacularly Misinformed Career Choices.

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Hooray! Jessica Simpson Isn’t Quite As Fat As She Used To Be

by Stuart Heritage

As a normal human being, you’ve probably spent the last few months fretting endlessly about Jessica Simpson.

Is she fat? Is she thin? Is she thinner but still a bit fat? If you waved a gateaux under her nose would she bite your arms off at the elbows to get it? These are important questions, and Jessica Simpson wasn’t answering them.

Now she has. Jessica Simpson performed a concert on Sunday in a tiny pair of Daisy Duke shorts, which means she’s either thin again or they’ve started making Daisy Dukes in massive sizes. Who can really say for sure?

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Guy Ritchie & Jemima Khan: Genuinely Rubbish Couple Alert

by Stuart Heritage

Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn’t like women with stupid accents.

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Kanye West Is Jesus 2.0 Apparently

by Matthew Laidlow

There is nothing more amusing than watching someone in the street who is proclaiming the world is going to end.

Still, they’ve at least given us enough warning to book our rocket ship so we can picnic on the moon whilst watching the world implode. But if you can’t do this, what do you do?

Thankfully these religious nutjobs are always wrong and we survive another day whilst they scurry away to the local off license. Now a more high-profile idiot has emerged to literally put the fear into us all. Kanye West is convinced that God chose him. We’re not exactly sure for what, but if it’s for being a gimp, the choice was perfect.

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Rihanna To Get £7m If Chris Brown Ever Gets Punchy On Her

by Stuart Heritage

You’re Rihanna, and you’ve just got back with your boyfriend after he apparently hit and threatened to kill you.

What happens next? Well, it’s obvious. You bash out a deal with him whereby you get £7 million if he ever does it again. That’s apparently the deal thatRihanna has struck with Chris Brown, if reports are to be believed. Personally we’d have stuck out for a ‘stop releasing your bad records’ clause, but it was Rihanna’s choice.

Incidentally, Rihanna plans to release her next single – entitled Hey Chris Brown, You’re A Pansy With A Minuscule Penis – in the summer.

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