Celebrity Astronime Domini
Chris Brown Chokes His Nick Nominations Unconscious
We're sad to report that Chris Brown will no longer be taking part in the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards. Alright, more relieved than sad. If Chris Brown can allegedly punch Rihanna because she threw some car keys out a window, then God knows what'd happen if Justin Timberlake squirted him in the face with slime. We imagine it'd involve a hacksaw, a rolled-up carpet and a shallow grave. Oddly, Chris Brown withdrew his own Kids' Choice nominations - either due to shame or to tactically strengthen his position ahead of this year's Punchies, the alleged domestic abusers' Oscars. We don't know.
We're sad to report that Chris Brown will no longer be taking part in the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards. Alright, more relieved than sad. If Chris Brown can allegedly punch Rihanna because she threw some car keys out a window, then God knows what'd happen if Justin Timberlake squirted him in the face with slime. We imagine it'd involve a hacksaw, a rolled-up carpet and a shallow grave. Oddly, Chris Brown withdrew his own Kids' Choice nominations - either due to shame or to tactically strengthen his position ahead of this year's Punchies, the alleged domestic abusers' Oscars. We don't know.
Hayden Panettiere Is Sort Of Being A Bitch To Milo Ventimiglia
Oh readers, we can't tell how long we've waited for this day - the day that Hayden Panettiere became a genuine stroppy mare. We knew she had it in her, sure. But now it's here and, lord, it is beautiful. How much of a stroppy mare is Hayden Panettiere? Only stroppy enough to try and get Milo Ventimiglia sacked from Heroes because he split up with her last month, that's how much. Or maybe Hayden Panettiere has got Milo Ventimiglia sacked from Heroes. Or maybe Hayden Panettiere was sacked from Heroes instead. Nobody watches Heroes any more, so nobody really knows.
Oh readers, we can't tell how long we've waited for this day - the day that Hayden Panettiere became a genuine stroppy mare. We knew she had it in her, sure. But now it's here and, lord, it is beautiful. How much of a stroppy mare is Hayden Panettiere? Only stroppy enough to try and get Milo Ventimiglia sacked from Heroes because he split up with her last month, that's how much. Or maybe Hayden Panettiere has got Milo Ventimiglia sacked from Heroes. Or maybe Hayden Panettiere was sacked from Heroes instead. Nobody watches Heroes any more, so nobody really knows.
Miley Cyrus Talks About Her Angelina Jolie Crush
Here's a guest blog by the angelic Amy Grindhouse... Miley Cyrus has reassured a panicked Angelina Jolie that she is not stalking her and that she does not have a girl crush on her. Sources say the emergency sniffer dogs and snipers have been called off. The pint-sized pop singer had previously scared the bejeesus out of Saint Angelina and Angie’s marauding horde of celebrity worshipers on Oscar Night by declaring “She’s beautiful…she could, like, adopt me!” Thankfully, for all those concerned, security was tight on the night and so nobody over-excitedly assaulted or adopted anybody they should not have.
Here's a guest blog by the angelic Amy Grindhouse... Miley Cyrus has reassured a panicked Angelina Jolie that she is not stalking her and that she does not have a girl crush on her. Sources say the emergency sniffer dogs and snipers have been called off. The pint-sized pop singer had previously scared the bejeesus out of Saint Angelina and Angie’s marauding horde of celebrity worshipers on Oscar Night by declaring “She’s beautiful…she could, like, adopt me!” Thankfully, for all those concerned, security was tight on the night and so nobody over-excitedly assaulted or adopted anybody they should not have.
Hey, Even Octomom Nadya Suleman Thinks She’s Nuts Now
As a mother of 14 constantly-pooing children, Nadya Suleman should have a lot on her hands right now. Like, you know, looking after them. Or, at a push, being so cripplingly calcium-depleted that her entire skeleton would probably disintegrate in on itself the moment she starts to lactate. But no, because Nadya Suleman has found the one TV she hasn't yet appeared on - Dr Phil - and appeared on it. And on Dr Phil Nadya Suleman claimed that she was being irrational when she decided to have those last eight kids. She's irrational? Quick, someone pass her that porn contract!
As a mother of 14 constantly-pooing children, Nadya Suleman should have a lot on her hands right now. Like, you know, looking after them. Or, at a push, being so cripplingly calcium-depleted that her entire skeleton would probably disintegrate in on itself the moment she starts to lactate. But no, because Nadya Suleman has found the one TV she hasn't yet appeared on - Dr Phil - and appeared on it. And on Dr Phil Nadya Suleman claimed that she was being irrational when she decided to have those last eight kids. She's irrational? Quick, someone pass her that porn contract!
Coolio Gets Charged With Essentially Being Full Of Crack
As a former Big Brother housemate, Coolio had two options open to him - public nudity or a fitness DVD. But Coolio is his own man. And that's why he's chosen a third way - being charged with crack possession and battery after allegedly being caught with quantities of the drug at LAX. We're surprised too. Who'd have thought that Coolio - the objectionable bulgy-eyed hasbeen rapper who can't buy hats without thinking "I know, I'll chop a bloody great hole in this hat so that my hair sticks out the top like a SODDING PINEAPPLE" - would be involved with crack? For shame.
As a former Big Brother housemate, Coolio had two options open to him - public nudity or a fitness DVD. But Coolio is his own man. And that's why he's chosen a third way - being charged with crack possession and battery after allegedly being caught with quantities of the drug at LAX. We're surprised too. Who'd have thought that Coolio - the objectionable bulgy-eyed hasbeen rapper who can't buy hats without thinking "I know, I'll chop a bloody great hole in this hat so that my hair sticks out the top like a SODDING PINEAPPLE" - would be involved with crack? For shame.
Rihanna: It Was Chris Brown’s Manager’s Fault (Unless It Wasn’t)
The alleged Chris Brown/ Rihanna fight started with a booty text - OK, a confusing hatred of women and a booty text. But who sent it? Some said it was Kim Kardashian, who liked Chris Brown because her bottom is large and dense enough to absorb most violent attacks. Some said it was Paris Hilton, because her catchphrase of "That's hot" could easily be adapted if Chris Brown decided to attack her with a poker. But apparently the woman who sent Chris Brown the booty text that enraged Rihanna so much was his manager Tina Davis, who's - what's the word? - old.
The alleged Chris Brown/ Rihanna fight started with a booty text - OK, a confusing hatred of women and a booty text. But who sent it? Some said it was Kim Kardashian, who liked Chris Brown because her bottom is large and dense enough to absorb most violent attacks. Some said it was Paris Hilton, because her catchphrase of "That's hot" could easily be adapted if Chris Brown decided to attack her with a poker. But apparently the woman who sent Chris Brown the booty text that enraged Rihanna so much was his manager Tina Davis, who's - what's the word? - old.
Kelly Clarkson Thinks All Children Can Eff Off
OK, Kelly Clarkson didn't say all children can eff off - but if she had any of her own she'd utterly resent them. OK, she didn't say that either. But she probably would, because Kelly Clarkson has told a newspaper that she'd be a terrible mother. And, although she didn't specify it in so many words, we'd guess that she'd make a fairly rubbish dad as well. This is because Kelly Clarkson thinks her job is too selfish, and not because she wouldn't be able to get used to all the constant atonal shrieking. She's already desensitised to that, for some reason.
OK, Kelly Clarkson didn't say all children can eff off - but if she had any of her own she'd utterly resent them. OK, she didn't say that either. But she probably would, because Kelly Clarkson has told a newspaper that she'd be a terrible mother. And, although she didn't specify it in so many words, we'd guess that she'd make a fairly rubbish dad as well. This is because Kelly Clarkson thinks her job is too selfish, and not because she wouldn't be able to get used to all the constant atonal shrieking. She's already desensitised to that, for some reason.
Britney Spears Wants You To Know About Her Genitals. For Once
In the past, when people have said that Britney Spears is back, it was always a little bit meek and halfhearted. But now Britney Spears is BACK! Because, fair enough, some people might think Britney Spears is a best-selling pop megastar, and the release of her recent album does reflect a kind of resurrection in that respect. The rest of us, though, know Britney Spears as the woman with a startling obsession with her own vagina. And on Sunday in Tampa, Britney Spears ended a concert by shrieking "My pussy is hanging out!" It's wonderful to have you back, Britney.
In the past, when people have said that Britney Spears is back, it was always a little bit meek and halfhearted. But now Britney Spears is BACK! Because, fair enough, some people might think Britney Spears is a best-selling pop megastar, and the release of her recent album does reflect a kind of resurrection in that respect. The rest of us, though, know Britney Spears as the woman with a startling obsession with her own vagina. And on Sunday in Tampa, Britney Spears ended a concert by shrieking "My pussy is hanging out!" It's wonderful to have you back, Britney.
