From the category archives:

Celebrity Astronime Domini

Britney Spears Gets New Boyfriend, Lets World Down

by Stuart Heritage

Oh Britney Spears, you were doing so well – screaming about your vagina during a concert was a masterstroke.

But now this? This is disgusting. You knew the pattern as well as anyone, Britney Spears – first you scream about your minge, then you run off and get knocked up by the first scummy-looking waster to cross your path even though he looks like he’s probably got public lice.

That’s the natural order of things, Britney Spears. You certainly don’t get a 37-year-old boyfriend who probably wears a suit for a living. So what have you done? Exactly that very thing. Ugh.

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Is Michael Phelps Sorry For The Drug Thing? Um…

by Stuart Heritage

When a newspaper published a photo of him smoking a bong at a party, it was Michael Phelps’ darkest day.

OK, maybe his second-darkest day. It all depends on how dark you imagine the day that Michael Phelps realised that his face was going to dramatically outgrow his head was. But, nevertheless, the bong thing was pretty dark.

And although he’s escaped serious punishment for it, Michael Phelps’ Olympian spirit has spurred him on to apologise on TV. OK, not apologise as such – it was more of an inarticulate rant about how crappy his friends are – but it’s a start.

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PETA Hopes To Eat George Clooney

by Shawn Lindseth

The reason hecklerspray can never enjoy a tofu-heavy diet is because generally when we eat, blood spurting out of whatever we just bit into is our favorite part. You can flavour the vegetarian delight with whatever you want, but until it spurts blood we shall remain largely uninterested! Did you hear that, PETA? We don’t [...]

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Rihanna/ Chris Brown Duet Even More Mental Than You Thought

by Stuart Heritage

Eventually this moronic Rihanna and Chris Brown twaddle is going to make a brilliant made-for-TV movie.

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Anna Nicole Smith’s Creepy Boyfriend & Creepy Docs Charged

by Stuart Heritage

The world’s been a sadder place since Anna Nicole Smith died. Well, not sadder – quieter and less booby, mainly.

But she’s at peace now. The world can remember Anna Nicole Smith the way she wanted – as the giganto-titted clown-faced porno model who married that nearly-dead billionaire once – knowing that her name and reputation won’t be dragged up again.

Except they are. Anna Nicole Smith’s former boyfriend Howard K Stern and two of her doctors have been charged with conspiring to furnish her with drugs. Their sentence if convicted? To be haunted by Anna Nicole’s big face and silly voice forever.

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Joaquin Phoenix In ‘Does Something Odd’ Shock

by Stuart Heritage

Were Joaquin Phoenix to sit down, have a nice cup of tea and speak a full, clear sentence it’d be front page news.

But he hasn’t. Instead Joaquin Phoenix has decided to do something weird. You know, for a change. However, Joaquin Phoenix knows that dishevelled incoherency can only get you so far, so he’s added an extra layer to his shtick – possible violence.

Joaquin Phoenix decided to end a show in Miami last night by flinging himself into the crowd and possibly thumping an audience member. We never knew “please put me out of my misery” was such an effective heckle.

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Bristol Palin & Levi: The Wedding You Don’t Care About Is OFF!

by Stuart Heritage

Remember Sarah Palin? Of course you don’t – which means you’re less likely to remember her daughter Bristol.

So here’s a brief recap. Sarah Palin was the woman who would have become vice-president of America, if only a) she wasn’t colossally stupid, b) her main hobby didn’t involved blasting holes in the side of reindeers with a shotgun and c) her teenage daughter Bristol hadn’t got knocked up by a redneck at an inopportune moment.

And now it’s been revealed that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, the father of her illegitimate baby, have split up. Please respond with the appropriate ambivalence.

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Chris Brown Chokes His Nick Nominations Unconscious

by Stuart Heritage

We’re sad to report that Chris Brown will no longer be taking part in the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards.

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Hayden Panettiere Is Sort Of Being A Bitch To Milo Ventimiglia

by Stuart Heritage

Oh readers, we can’t tell how long we’ve waited for this day – the day that Hayden Panettiere became a genuine stroppy mare.

We knew she had it in her, sure. But now it’s here and, lord, it is beautiful. How much of a stroppy mare is Hayden Panettiere? Only stroppy enough to try and get Milo Ventimiglia sacked from Heroes because he split up with her last month, that’s how much.

Or maybe Hayden Panettiere has got Milo Ventimiglia sacked from Heroes. Or maybe Hayden Panettiere was sacked from Heroes instead. Nobody watches Heroes any more, so nobody really knows.

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Miley Cyrus Talks About Her Angelina Jolie Crush

by hecklerspray staff

Miley Cyrus has reassured a panicked Angelina Jolie that she is not stalking her and that she does not have a girl crush on her. Sources say the emergency sniffer dogs and snipers have been called off.

The pint-sized pop singer had previously scared the bejeesus out of Saint Angelina and Angie’s marauding horde of celebrity worshipers on Oscar Night by declaring “She’s beautiful…she could, like, adopt me!”

Thankfully, for all those concerned, security was tight on the night and so nobody over-excitedly assaulted or adopted anybody they should not have.

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