Celebrity Astronime Domini

Britney Spears’ court hearing yesterday was a success, although these days any period of time where Britney doesn’t cry or wave her fanny around like a football rattle technically counts as a success.

But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears’ child visitation rights, you see.

Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.

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Wishes at hecklerspray HQ generally vary from person to person. Some just want others to stop nicking their pens. Others just want to remember what the daylight looks like.

And of course, some people’s wishes that involve a bottle of chilli sauce, an encyclopedia and a mask are ones we don’t want to know about. But we can all agree that banishing rubbish pop stars is high on the list, and for a few hours at least recently, our dream temporarily came true as former Spice Girl and all round annoying person Geri Halliwell got locked away for a few hours.

While many agree that prison would be the best place for her, sadly Geri wasn’t locked away with the other lags of this world. Instead, she had her own temporary jail cell in the closest thing to a damp squalid hellhole – the Lakeside shopping centre in Essex. The sight of orange-skinned chavs is punishment enough for any man, woman or child.

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Back in olden times, when you could mock Britney Spears without feeling like a bastard afterwards, Britney used to be in court a lot.

And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what - there’s a custody rematch scheduled for today!

It’s so exciting - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they’ll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.

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Pete Doherty’s prison adventure has been cut dramatically short - not by a horrific stabbing injury as some had hoped, but by early release.

Released less than a month into his 14-week jail sentence, Pete Doherty is now a free man once again, much like Ronnie Barker from Going Straight except a bit less funny and/or dead.

Still, even 29 days in jail is long enough for someone to become institutionalised, which means in the next few days you might see pictures of Pete Doherty stumbling around looking a bit confused and unwashed. Don’t worry if you do - it means he’s completely back to normal. Thanks folks, we’re here all week.

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In the year or our Lord two thousand and two, hecklerspray got robbed. We were calmly walking down a picturesque cobble-stone walkway when we suddenly found ourselves handing two popsicles and a toaster strudel over to a nine-year-old with a fistful of corkscrews sticking out between his fingers. We meant her fingers.

We were devastated, as that had been our lunch, and we silently swore that nobody should ever have to endure atrocity like that again. Since then no nine-year-old girls have been safe from our wrath. That’s because we bought a mask to secure our true identities, and several canoe paddles we carry around with us all the time. It’s all extremely intimidating but we’ll use ‘em if we have to – just try us little girl! We’ll knock your flower-patterned external retainer-wearing butt to kingdom come!

50 Cent’s been robbed too, you know. It makes us feel better, like we’re not quite so lonely in our victim-ness. His robbery may take a sizeable chunk out of his horrible thug cred, as it happened onstage in front of an entire African nation of what we assume are starving, poverty stricken people.

And when you get robbed by a belly-bloated starving guy, and it gets filmed and posted on Youtube, well how can you face your friends again after something like that?

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Scarlett Johansson has an album out soon and she’ll do anything to promote it - even get engaged to Van Wilder.

According to reports, Scarlett Johansson and boyfriend Ryan Reynolds have just got engaged. And, while it’s nice to see that Scarlett and Ryan have decided not to follow the current celebrity trend of secret never-confirmed weddings, it’d probably be bigger news if Ryan Reynolds was a bit more, you know, famous.

Oh, we’re just kidding. We’re sure that Ryan Reynolds is as warm and caring as you could possibly hope for. The real question is what a catch like Ryan sees in a rich, talented, successful tit factory like Scarlett Johansson. Wonders will never cease.

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Watch any teatime broadcast of Baywatch and you’ll see Pamela Anderson as a Barbie doll of a woman who saves drowning pensioners and children whilst prancing around in a red swimsuit.

But behind the smile and massive hooters lies a dark secret, as it’s been revealed that Pamela Anderson was brutally attacked as a child. Not by a pack of wild dogs full of explosive rabies or a perverted old man, but by a menacing gang of leeches. Maybe she looked at them funny.

Um, that’s the top and bottom off it really. However, with our powerful contacts on the inside, we’ve been granted the ins and outs of a police report filled against the leeches that have permanently scarred Pamela on the left shoulder. Some details are sketchy, but we’ve done our best to sum it up for you.

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Dire Danny Dyer has told the ever wonderful Zoo magazine that Orlando Bloom is a “cunt” who “can’t act” .

The famous idiom pot calling the kettle black springs to mind here. Although it’s more a case of the pot calling the kettle a cunt for being a pot.

It’s like Boris Johnson telling David Cameron he has a silly voice and stupid hair and feeling that his party’s views are “a little bit too conservative” for his liking.

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Peaches Geldof has been filmed handing over money to a pair of notorious drug dealers and is to be investigated by the police.

Nineteen-year-old Peaches was secretly filmed offering Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton £140 in return for some unspecified goods.

Then Blagrove, ‘dealer to the stars’, tells Peaches what she wants will actually cost her £190.

The extra £50 quid doesn’t deter Peaches, she is after all the daughter of modern day Jesus, Bob Geldof, and it’s good to see the royalties from I don’t like Mondays aren’t going to waste.

Peaches is then reportedly recorded saying:

I’m going to need Valium tomorrow after this.

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Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

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Miley Cyrus rocked the stage last night at the Disney Channel Games Concert, sporting another piece of pornographic attire.

As she thanked fans for their support, singing some old hits and some new, she strutted about the stage in skin-tight, virginal-white jeans and top to match, which left very little to the imagination.

The outfit made a clear definition of the shape of her breasts and bottom. One source who attended the gig told hecklerspray:

It was disgusting. I was standing there, wanting to have an innocent boogie to some of the finest pop-music this millennium has had to offer when, all of a sudden, 15-year-old Miley appears, looking beautiful and slightly sexually arousing, and now I feel like a paedophile. This has got to stop. This would never have happened if Al-Qaeda were in control; either get the girl a hijab and let me boogie in unaroused peace, or burn her.

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Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Josef Fritzl has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system and its confused morals!

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