Celebrity Astronime Domini
Lindsay Lohan: A Lesbian On The Lam
Exciting news - Lindsay Lohan has become a fugitive. A fugitive just like in that film, Nuns On The Run. What terrible crime did Lindsay Lohan commit? Maybe the most terrible crime in the world - there's a warrant out for Lindsay's arrest because she marginally changed her alcohol rehabilitation program against the regulations of her probation. Yeah, take that Josef Fritzl - there's a new girl in town and she means business! Worse still, Lindsay Lohan could spend a year in jail because of this. So it's fortunate that she had the good sense to turn lesbian by choice last year, really.
Exciting news - Lindsay Lohan has become a fugitive. A fugitive just like in that film, Nuns On The Run. What terrible crime did Lindsay Lohan commit? Maybe the most terrible crime in the world - there's a warrant out for Lindsay's arrest because she marginally changed her alcohol rehabilitation program against the regulations of her probation. Yeah, take that Josef Fritzl - there's a new girl in town and she means business! Worse still, Lindsay Lohan could spend a year in jail because of this. So it's fortunate that she had the good sense to turn lesbian by choice last year, really.
Britney Spears Gets New Boyfriend, Lets World Down
Oh Britney Spears, you were doing so well - screaming about your vagina during a concert was a masterstroke. But now this? This is disgusting. You knew the pattern as well as anyone, Britney Spears - first you scream about your minge, then you run off and get knocked up by the first scummy-looking waster to cross your path even though he looks like he's probably got public lice. That's the natural order of things, Britney Spears. You certainly don't get a 37-year-old boyfriend who probably wears a suit for a living. So what have you done? Exactly that very thing. Ugh.
Oh Britney Spears, you were doing so well - screaming about your vagina during a concert was a masterstroke. But now this? This is disgusting. You knew the pattern as well as anyone, Britney Spears - first you scream about your minge, then you run off and get knocked up by the first scummy-looking waster to cross your path even though he looks like he's probably got public lice. That's the natural order of things, Britney Spears. You certainly don't get a 37-year-old boyfriend who probably wears a suit for a living. So what have you done? Exactly that very thing. Ugh.
Is Michael Phelps Sorry For The Drug Thing? Um…
When a newspaper published a photo of him smoking a bong, Michael Phelps experienced his darkest day. OK, maybe his second-darkest day. It all depends on how dark you imagine the day that Michael Phelps realised that his face was going to dramatically outgrow his head was. But, nevertheless, the bong thing was pretty dark. And although he's escaped serious punishment for it, Michael Phelps' Olympian spirit has spurred him on to apologise on TV. OK, not apologise as such - it was more of an inarticulate rant about how crappy his friends are - but it's a start.
When a newspaper published a photo of him smoking a bong, Michael Phelps experienced his darkest day. OK, maybe his second-darkest day. It all depends on how dark you imagine the day that Michael Phelps realised that his face was going to dramatically outgrow his head was. But, nevertheless, the bong thing was pretty dark. And although he's escaped serious punishment for it, Michael Phelps' Olympian spirit has spurred him on to apologise on TV. OK, not apologise as such - it was more of an inarticulate rant about how crappy his friends are - but it's a start.
PETA Hopes To Eat George Clooney
The reason hecklerspray can never enjoy a tofu-heavy diet is because generally when we eat, blood spurting out of whatever we just bit into is our favorite part. You can flavour the vegetarian delight with whatever you want, but until it spurts blood we shall remain largely uninterested! Did you hear that, PETA? We don't want your stupid tofu! We don't want it if it's turkey flavored, or if its beef flavored, or if its flavored to taste exactly like George Clooney's sweaty, used gym towel! The latter, apparently, is genuinely on PETA's drawing board, even as we speak.
The reason hecklerspray can never enjoy a tofu-heavy diet is because generally when we eat, blood spurting out of whatever we just bit into is our favorite part. You can flavour the vegetarian delight with whatever you want, but until it spurts blood we shall remain largely uninterested! Did you hear that, PETA? We don't want your stupid tofu! We don't want it if it's turkey flavored, or if its beef flavored, or if its flavored to taste exactly like George Clooney's sweaty, used gym towel! The latter, apparently, is genuinely on PETA's drawing board, even as we speak.
Rihanna/ Chris Brown Duet Even More Mental Than You Thought
Eventually this moronic Rihanna and Chris Brown twaddle is going to make a brilliant made-for-TV movie. And now it's got its soundtrack. Well, the musical part of the soundtrack, anyway - we hear that all of the audio effects will be attained by smashing a cauliflower with a pneumatic drill and recording a hall full of weeping children. But this is a tangent. Apparently the duet that Rihanna and Chris Brown have recorded involves "growing stronger in a relationship". For Chris Brown, that means growing stronger emotionally. While for Rihanna it presumably means investing in body armour and some bear mace.
Eventually this moronic Rihanna and Chris Brown twaddle is going to make a brilliant made-for-TV movie. And now it's got its soundtrack. Well, the musical part of the soundtrack, anyway - we hear that all of the audio effects will be attained by smashing a cauliflower with a pneumatic drill and recording a hall full of weeping children. But this is a tangent. Apparently the duet that Rihanna and Chris Brown have recorded involves "growing stronger in a relationship". For Chris Brown, that means growing stronger emotionally. While for Rihanna it presumably means investing in body armour and some bear mace.
Anna Nicole Smith’s Creepy Boyfriend & Creepy Docs Charged
The world's been a sadder place since Anna Nicole Smith died. Well, not sadder - quieter and less booby, mainly. But she's at peace now. The world can remember Anna Nicole Smith the way she wanted - as the giganto-titted clown-faced porno model who married that nearly-dead billionaire once - knowing that her name and reputation won't be dragged up again. Except they are. Anna Nicole Smith's former boyfriend Howard K Stern and two of her doctors have been charged with conspiring to furnish her with drugs. Their sentence if convicted? To be haunted by Anna Nicole's big face and silly voice forever.
The world's been a sadder place since Anna Nicole Smith died. Well, not sadder - quieter and less booby, mainly. But she's at peace now. The world can remember Anna Nicole Smith the way she wanted - as the giganto-titted clown-faced porno model who married that nearly-dead billionaire once - knowing that her name and reputation won't be dragged up again. Except they are. Anna Nicole Smith's former boyfriend Howard K Stern and two of her doctors have been charged with conspiring to furnish her with drugs. Their sentence if convicted? To be haunted by Anna Nicole's big face and silly voice forever.
Joaquin Phoenix In ‘Does Something Odd’ Shock
Were Joaquin Phoenix to sit down, have a nice cup of tea and speak a full, clear sentence it'd be front page news. But he hasn't. Instead Joaquin Phoenix has decided to do something weird. You know, for a change. However, Joaquin Phoenix knows that dishevelled incoherency can only get you so far, so he's added an extra layer to his shtick - possible violence. Joaquin Phoenix decided to end a show in Miami last night by flinging himself into the crowd and possibly thumping an audience member. We never knew "please put me out of my misery" was such an effective heckle.
Were Joaquin Phoenix to sit down, have a nice cup of tea and speak a full, clear sentence it'd be front page news. But he hasn't. Instead Joaquin Phoenix has decided to do something weird. You know, for a change. However, Joaquin Phoenix knows that dishevelled incoherency can only get you so far, so he's added an extra layer to his shtick - possible violence. Joaquin Phoenix decided to end a show in Miami last night by flinging himself into the crowd and possibly thumping an audience member. We never knew "please put me out of my misery" was such an effective heckle.
Bristol Palin & Levi: The Wedding You Don’t Care About Is OFF!
Remember Sarah Palin? Of course you don't - which means you're less likely to remember her daughter Bristol. So here's a brief recap. Sarah Palin was the woman who would have become vice-president of America, if only a) she wasn't colossally stupid, b) her main hobby didn't involved blasting holes in the side of reindeers with a shotgun and c) her teenage daughter Bristol hadn't got knocked up by a redneck at an inopportune moment. And now it's been revealed that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, the father of her illegitimate baby, have split up. Please respond with the appropriate ambivalence.
Remember Sarah Palin? Of course you don't - which means you're less likely to remember her daughter Bristol. So here's a brief recap. Sarah Palin was the woman who would have become vice-president of America, if only a) she wasn't colossally stupid, b) her main hobby didn't involved blasting holes in the side of reindeers with a shotgun and c) her teenage daughter Bristol hadn't got knocked up by a redneck at an inopportune moment. And now it's been revealed that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, the father of her illegitimate baby, have split up. Please respond with the appropriate ambivalence.
