From the category archives:

Celebrity Astronime Domini

Kanye West Charged With Being A Stroppy Little Airport Turd

by Stuart Heritage

Kanye West often refers to himself as the son of God – it’s a perfectly acceptable statement for him to make.

No really, it is. If you’ve read the Bible, you’ll remember the passage describing Jesus’s decision to make an album about how miserable he is with loads of Autotune on it. And we believe it was Mark 3:11 that went “And, lo, Jesus was charged with three misdemeanors for acting like a cock in an airport.”

And now Kanye West has been charged with three misdemeanors for that time he acted like a cock in an airport too. Oh, holy symmetry.

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Celebrities Turning Their Backs On Twitter

by hecklerspray staff

Twitter is to celebrities today what Kabbalah string bracelets were to them five years ago. Over-hyped, over-exposed and over here.

Tweeting, which essentially involves posting short updates about your day, is huge online right now. Both celebrities and regular folks alike are hopping on the bandwagon of the communication tool that is an absolute Facebook killer.

Despite being talked about as often as Paris Hilton’s love life and experiencing ludicrous growth of some 1,382% year-over-year from February 2008 to February 2009, Twitter is actually being shunned by some entertainers.

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Oprah Mag Puzzlingly Acknowledges Someone Other Than Oprah

by Toad Jr

Oprah Winfrey is big. We’re not talking physically big here. That’s a given.

We’re talking about an ego so freakin’ enormous that it operates like a gargantuan black hole, physically and spiritually swallowing up everything in sight – man, woman, child, baby back ribs, U.S. First Ladies – you name it.

Well, just when we thought that we understood the awesome light and matter-consuming force that is Oprah, she goes and does something completely uncharacteristic of someone whose personal fortune was not built on prattling on and on about Oprah. Turns out, Oprah has ushered in a brave new world where people other than Oprah are seen on the cover of Oprah’s magazine, O (for Oprah).

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Jenna Jameson Spawns Twin Baby Boys

by Matthew Laidlow

For millions of years, men and women have had sexy time and produced offspring in the form of children. At some point in a woman’s life they will want to mate with their respective partner. Either they want to take a step back from everything or let their children carry on their legacy. Former porn [...]

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Kim Kardashian Helps Lindsay Lohan For No Reason Whatsoever

by Stuart Heritage

There’s more to Kim Kardashian than being filmed repeatedly having it off a chap on the internet, you know.

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Octomom Nadya Suleman Takes Some Kids Home Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Remember Nadya Suleman, the would-be pornstar and chronic Angelina Jolie fetishist who’s all over the news?

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Rihanna Remakes The Bodyguard; World Has Giant Aneurysm

by Stuart Heritage

There’s no point wondering what the stupidest thing left for Rihanna to do is, because she’s already done it.

And the second-stupidest. And the third-stupidest. And the fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh-stupidest. But what’s the eighth-stupidest thing left for Rihanna to do? Why, star in a remake of a film about a woman who a man is trying to kill, of course.

Rihanna is reportedly going to star in a remake of The Bodyguard. Apparently she plans on hitting the high notes of I Will Always Love You by letting Chris Brown stomp on one of her hands. Who knew?

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Lindsay Lohan No Longer On The Lam, Still A Bit Lesbiany

by Stuart Heritage

Sorry to tell you this, but the greatest episode of Dog The Bounty Hunter never made will now stay that way.

Lindsay Lohan is no longer on the run. Sure, for Lindsay Lohan it means her arrest warrant has been quashed and she can get on with her life, but for us it means we’ll have to stop stalking LindsayLohan in bushes with a blowdart and a net, waiting for her to give us a clear shot at her carotid artery.

And we needed that reward money, too. Damn you, Lindsay Lohan. Damn you and your consistent law-abiding tendencies!

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Charlie Sheen Has Twin Boys To One Day Fight Over

by Stuart Heritage

Say what you will about Charlie Sheen – that he’s a lumpen, one-note actor who lucked into success, for instance.

But you can’t fault his timing. That’s because Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller have chosen now to give birth to twin boys named Max and Bob. Why is that significant? Because it synchronises nicely with his ex-wife Denise Richards’ stint on Dancing With The Stars.

So congratulations to Charlie Sheen, and good luck to Denise Richards, who’ll be so attention-seeking this week that her routine will climax with a spontaneous combustion that splatters guts all down Len Goodman’s suit.

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Lindsay Lohan: A Lesbian On The Lam

by Stuart Heritage

Exciting news – Lindsay Lohan has become a fugitive. A fugitive just like in that film, Nuns On The Run.

What terrible crime did Lindsay Lohan commit? Maybe the most terrible crime in the world – there’s a warrant out for Lindsay’s arrest because she marginally changed her alcohol rehabilitation program against the regulations of her probation. Yeah, take that Josef Fritzl – there’s a new girl in town and she means business!

Worse still, Lindsay Lohan could spend a year in jail because of this. So it’s fortunate that she had the good sense to turn lesbian by choice last year, really.

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