OJ Simpson Trial

Guess what. That armed robbery of OJ Simpson’s that had several witnesses and audio recordings to back it up - turns out he did it.

By now you’ve probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he’s being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety.

But still, OJ Simpson won’t find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he’s been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he’s always wanted to, for example - the hypothetical If I Didn’t Do It, Here’s How It Didn’t Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.

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OJ Simpson’s Difficult Second Trial has gone to the jury - it’s now down to them to decide whether OJ Simpson did it or didn’t do or killed his wife or whatever.

The closing arguments were a nice reflection on the trial that had just passed - in that they weren’t really as exciting as they could have been and everyone present looked as if they’d rather be anywhere else on Earth. But that’s not what matters. What matters is that soon a jury will finally - finally - make the OJ Simpson trial slightly exciting.

So now we wait. How long will the jury take to decide OJ Simpson’s fate? What will the fate be? How many badly-written OJ Simpson: My Part In His Downfall books will the jurors release between them? Can’t they just hurry up and make a decision? Seriously, we’re losing all sensation in our feet.

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The closing arguments of the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means soon - finally - something interesting might actually happen soon.

It’s doubtful though, because the entire OJ Simpson trial has been a bit of a snore. It shouldn’t have been - a man almost had a heart attack once and yesterday everyone heard how a man apparently threatened to go on the rampage with a gun - but it was. Not even OJ Simpson could be bothered to testify at the OJ Simpson trial, for crying out loud.

To be fair, though, we hear that’s because he’s saving his thoughts up for another book; the forthcoming If I Did It (Which I Might Or Might Not Have Done) Here’s How It Either Happened Or Would’ve Happened Depending On If I Did It Or Not.

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There’s only one thing keeping us interested in the OJ Simpson trial, you know - and that’s good old fashioned acute myocardial infarction.

Just a few days after one witness in the OJ Simpson trial called a halt to proceedings because he was too busy clutching his chest and gasping for air, another witness has decided to blame everything on his dodgy heart, too. OJ Simpson’s co-defendant Charles Ehrlich says that he can’t really remember the Las Vegas hotel room raid in much detail because he’s had a couple of heart attacks and they’ve made him all forgetful.

Whoever came up with this heart attack idea is a genius, because now we don’t know what the hell’s going on at all. Except for one thing - if OJ Simpson really wants to be found innocent, he should be sure to slowly cough his own heart up and out into his hands if he ever has to testify. It’s probably the only way.

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The OJ Simpson armed robbery trial has already been dragging on for what seems like a thousand years, but finally we’re onto guns.

According to one of OJ Simpson’s goons in court yesterday, OJ must have known that some of his henchmen were carrying guns because he shouted “Put the guns away,” at them during the raid. Unless he didn’t, which is what another witness is saying.

Incidentally, Charles Ehrlich - the man who claims that OJ Simpson knew about the guns - is an old friend of his. Or at least he was until he pleaded guilty to lesser charges in exchange for a testimony against Simpson, anyway. Now the pair have probably fallen out. And you know what happens to you if you fall out with OJ Simpson, don’t you.

You get one less Christmas card a year, that’s what. Why, what did you think we meant?

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The outcome of the OJ Simpson trial rests on one thing - the lingering resentment of everyone who thought OJ Simpson killed his wife a decade ago.

Only joking. That’s got nothing to do with the outcome of OJ Simpson’s trial at all. Well, technically it probably has got a bit to do with it, but let’s not get into that. In actual fact, the whole OJ Simpson trial revolves around a secret tape of the whole shebang, recorded by an auctioneer.

Sadly, though, as the court found out yesterday, the tape is just vague enough not to mean anything at all. Oh OJ Simpson, why couldn’t you have stormed into the hotel and said, clearly and within earshot of the microphone “What-ho, I’m OJ Simpson and these gun-wielding chaps here - boys, say hello, there’s no excuse for rudeness - are here to take these items which don’t even belong to me. Pip pip!” or whatever the opposite of that is that proves you’re innocent? You’d have saved us all a lot of time either way, you selfish git.

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Every good trial needs a breakout star, and in the case of the OJ Simpson armed robbery trial we’re pretty sure that star is Bruce Fromong.

Bruce Fromong became the headline attraction of the OJ Simpson trial on Monday, when it looked as if his heart was literally going to explode in his chest during his testimony. But yesterday Bruce Fromong got to do exactly what he came to do - testify against OJ Simpson by contradicting himself as many times as humanly possible.

According to Bruce Fromong, he wasn’t scared when OJ Simpson burst into his hotel room, but he did fear for his life. Also, although he wasn’t trying to profit from his OJ Simpson memorabilia, he did want to make big money from it. Keep this up and Bruce Fromong’s going to end up as the world’s favourite feeble-hearted flip-flopping uncle.

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This OJ Simpson trial is boring - no witnesses have even stopped their testimonies to clutch their chest in fear of an impending heart attack yet.

What’s that? They have? In fact, one of the first witnesses in the entire OJ Simpson armed robbery and kidnapping trial clutched his chest in the middle of his testimony thinking he was going to have a heart attack because that’s how scary even the thought of OJ Simpson is to him? Oh, right, sorry.

However, this seems like a massive misstep on the part of the prosecutors. Deploying the witness with the weakest heart at the start of the OJ Simpson trial? The jury’s bound to forget about that when it comes to deliberation time. Either the prosecutors have blown their big chance to convict OJ Simpson or there’s another star witness who’ll come on at the end, spontaneously combust, pop his eyeballs out and poo fire. We’ll just have to wait and see.

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Just as we predicted yesterday, the jury for OJ Simpson’s armed robbery and kidnap trial has now been picked - but there’s one tiny problem.

They’re all white. Every single one of them. Now don’t get us wrong, it almost wasn’t an entirely white jury. It’s just that one prospective black juror was quite religious and therefore capable of forgiveness so she had to go. We’re not making this up, you know.

So, here’s how OJ Simpson stands before his trial properly starts on Monday. He’s being tried for the first time since he was acquitted of two murders he’s widely believed to have committed, for a crime with several witnesses that he was actually recorded participating in, and the only thing stopping him from spending the rest of his life in jail is a group of 12 white people who’ve been specifically chosen for their lack of forgiveness.

Yeah, we’re sure he’ll be fine.

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OK, hands up who thought that it’d take 400 years to pick the jury for the new OJ Simpson trial because the whole world obviously hates OJ Simpson.

Anyone? Just us? OK, well then we’re the wrong ones. In actual fact, the jury for OJ Simpson’s armed robbery and kidnap trial has almost been completely picked. What does that mean? Well, most importantly it means that the scene is set for us to plunge headlong into the nitty-gritty of the OJ Simpson trial itself next week.

Secondly it ostensibly means that there are a handful of people in Las Vegas who say they don’t care about OJ Simpson murder acquittal in 1995. But what it actually means is that there’s a handful of people who’ve either hidden their furious bitter hatred of OJ Simpson well enough to pass the jury selection process or are currently busy phoning publishers and scribbling down the first draft of their new book How I Banged OJ Simpson Up. Fun!

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