No. No it hasn’t. And that’s probably down to the fact that if you multiplied all the people in the world who care about LeAnn Rimes with all the people in the world who care about Eddie Cibrian, you’d end up with approximately one person. But that all changes now.

Because now there’s a video of LeAnn Rimes kissing Eddie Cibrian and sucking his finger. Or, to be more accurate, two indistinct grainy blobs jiggling around in a pointlessly nonspecific way. Gotcha, LeAnn!

If you took the world’s greatest novel, changed the setting to modern-day Los Angeles, made the lead characters a hasbeen country singer and a painfully anonymous actor, removed all the fun, suspense and intrigue from it, replaced every word with the word ‘nuh’, painted the cover grey and threw it in a river where nobody could ever read it, it’d more or less be identical to this kerfuffle about LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian.

If you missed yesterday’s story about it, then here’s the two-part recap – PART ONE: LeAnn Rimes has been accused of cheating of her husband with Eddie Cibrian, her co-star in a forthcoming TV movie. PART TWO: The whole thing’s so mind-bogglingly tedious and full of the least famous people on Earth that we don’t even know why we wrote about it once, let alone twice.

However, even though Eddie Cibrian has denied the affair and LeAnn Rimes has sort of denied it, a shocking new revelation has come to light. Well, a new revelation. Well, it’s new. Possibly. Anyway, look, here’s a video that allegedly shows LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian snogging each other over dinner…

Did you see that? Did you SEE that? That bleary grainy blob in what appears to be a hat totally moved about eight pixels closer to the hazily ill-defined grainy blog that may or may not be female! That’s disgusting! Our eyes! There’s… there’s BLOOD COMING OUT OF OUR EYES! Oh LeAnn Rimes, how could you DO this to us?

In case you missed any of the finer details of the video, what with it being unwatchably fuzzy and all, here’s the LA Times with a recap:

Twenty-two seconds into it, US Weekly describes Cibrian arriving at the restaurant. He allegedly takes Rimes’ hand and they walk in the restaurant together. They sit — center left of the frame — and hold hands (36 seconds) and kiss (1:47). At the 2:10 mark, Rimes suggestively sucks on Cibrian’s finger.

Now, even if this is a video of LeAnn Rimes sucking on Eddie Cibrian’s finger, it doesn’t mean that there’s anything funny about it. Maybe he’s been bitten by a viper and she was simply sucking out the poison. Or maybe he wanted her to taste his soup but he didn’t have a spare spoon. Or maybe she accidentally swallowed her car keys and he was searching the inside of her mouth with his hand looking for them.

Or, then again, maybe LeAnn Rimes was suggestively sucking on Eddie Cibrian’s finger. Our point is this: we’d rather throw ourselves under a train than actually bring ourselves to actually care about any of this.

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Answer: Robert Pattinson’s haircut. Who else? Nobody else. Robert Pattinson and Robert Pattinson’s haircut are the only two people in Twilight, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a bloody liar.

Oh, wait – apparently we’re wrong. Apparently someone called Kirsten Stewart also stars in Twilight. And apparently Kristen Stewart is so annoyed that everyone ignores her in favour of Robert Pattinson that she refuses to be in the same room as him. Possibly. It’s hard to tell. We keep forgetting what she looks like.

You have to feel a little bit sorry for Kristen Stewart. Cursed from birth with a face that looks like a bad pencil drawing of Lisa Marie Presley, she spent years struggling in the movie business until finally she got her own movie. And that movie was Twilight, based on the wildly successful novel of the same name. And she played Bella, the lead character. Fame would be hers at last!

Except it hasn’t actually happened that way. Although Kristen Stewart does technically play the lead in Twilight, the reason it’s such a sensation is Robert Pattinson, the monotone charisma-vacuum who makes all the teenage girls scream because his hair is nice and he constantly wanders about pulling a face that makes him look like he’s trying to work out difficult sums in his head.

But that was fine because, having read the books, Kristen Stewart knew that Robert Pattinson wasn’t going to be in Twilight 2 very much and the spotlight would be back on her once again. And then disaster struck – realising that Robert Pattinson is the only reason why anyone bothers to watch hokey old bobbins like the Twilight movies, the producers wrote him back into the script – and then went and brought in Dakota Fanning to squeeze down Kristen Stewart’s screentime even further.

In fact, it’s fair to say that the only times when people don’t ignore Kristen Stewart are when they’re asking her how good Robert Pattinson is at sex. And that’s why, if reports are to be believed, Kristen Stewart has taken the very mature step of avoiding Robert like the ruddy plague. According to Star magazine:

“She’s sick and tired of hearing about him all the time,” a source revealed. “Except for filming together and mandatory work functions, Kristen refuses to be in the same room as Bob.”

Refusing to be in the same room might sound a little knee-jerk, but you have to remember that it can’t be easy for Kristen Stewart – all the female Twilight fans dislike her because of the time she gets to spend with Robert Pattinson and both the male Twilight fans are probably a bit gay. The poor duck’s not getting any love from anyone.

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Then this is your lucky day! Apparently the one thing worse than seeing a tape of a new mother having sex with eight men for cash – a tape of Rihanna and Chris Brown having sex with each other – actually exists and could be put onto the internet at any point.

Appalling, sure, but at the least the Rihanna sex tape might show us what Rihanna can see in Chris Brown, because it can’t be his manners. Or his voice. Or his stupid face.

There’s always a moment after you split up with someone when you’re vulnerable. Will your ex tell everyone about your chronic flatulence? Publicly bemoan your depraved and unexplainable fixation with 35-year-old Columbo TV movies? Or will they just upload all the bizarre, kinky role-play sex tapes you’ve made together onto the internet for everyone to see?

This is apparently the predicament that Rihanna currently finds herself in. Not about the Columbo thing, obviously – she’s not that sick – but the sex tape thing. According to a bunch of hopefully-fabricated reports, Rihanna is worried that, now she’s split up with Chris Brown, he’s going to make all the sex tapes they recorded together available to the public.

Which, you know, would be weird because it’s perfectly obvious that Rihanna and Chris Brown will get back together the instant this fuss about his arrest blows over. But, hey, fingers crossed that the Rihanna sex tape exists – after all, there’s nothing sexier than watching two beautiful young people performing a physical expression of their love in a seedy, borderline-disturbing manner that’s a direct precursor to the moment when he allegedly lost her temper and punched her in the face until her mouth filled up with blood, is there? The Sun reports:

US publication Star Magazine is now claiming that the stunning R&B star fears her estranged boyfriend Chris Brown could release a steamy home video the couple allegedly made together. A source said: “They’ve had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them… They both have very kinky sides.” It’s also claimed that Rihanna enjoys role-playing and dressing up as a dominatrix.

Role-playing. Of course the Rihanna sex tape has got role-playing in it. It’s just a question of what roles Rihanna and Chris Brown were playing in it. We don’t even know if the sex tape is real, but if it is we’d put money on one of these three role-playing fantasies taking place in it:

1 – The schoolgirl/ strict teacher fantasy.

2 - The Ali/ Frazier fantasy.

3 - The Cloverfield monster/ city of New York fantasy.

Anyway, if the Rihanna sex tape does exist, it’s not the end of the world. After all, surely most people would find it less grubbily opportunistic, unsettling and downright degrading than that duet Rihanna and Chris Brown apparently recorded together the other week.

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Really, don’t. Sure, it might seem like a cool thing to do when you’re the unhinged leader of a murderer-commune determined to set off a race war because of something you once heard Paul McCartney shriek, but one day you’re going to look in the mirror and realise that you’re a 74-year-old man with a swastika carved into your own forehead.

California correctional officials have released a new photo of Charles Manson. No, we don’t know why either.

Charles Manson is primarily famous for two things. Firstly, there was his involvement in a series of gruesome showbusiness murders that shocked the word and effectively brought an end to the dream of the 1960s ideal. And secondly there’s his influence on a number of embarrassingly cackhanded indie bands.

Seriously, if Charles Manson had never been born there’d be no Mansun, no Marilyn Manson, no Kasabian and The Spaghetti Incident? by Guns N’ Roses would be almost five full minutes shorter. These alone are perfectly acceptable arguments for Charles Manson never to be released from jail.

And, you know, all the murder stuff helps as well. But apparently Charles Manson is due a parole hearing in three years’ time, which could be why correctional officials at California’s Corcoran State Prison have decided to release a brand new photograph of him. Or maybe they just felt like it. Really, nobody’s really bothered to explain why. Reuters reports:

California corrections officials released a new photograph of imprisoned mass murderer Charles Manson on Thursday, showing the balding, gray-bearded killer at the age of 74. The picture, which was taken at Corcoran State Prison in Central California, also reveals a glum Manson still bearing the swastika he carved into his forehead during his sensational 1970 murder trial.

If the photo is, as we’ve suggested, being released to show the world what Charles Manson now looks like on the off-chance that he gets parole in 2012, it’s probably a little bit redundant. True, we now know to keep away from him if we see him on the street, but that’s mainly due to the fact that he’s got a bloody great swastika carved into his own forehead – a sign of either a) clear mental instability or b) the world’s most unfortunate monobrow-trimming accident. Either way, we’ll avoid him thanks.

Honestly, no wonder Charles Manson looks glum in the photo, Reuters. That swastika’s probably going to hurt his reemployment chances quite a lot if he ever makes parole. We read on a job-seeker’s website the other day that your CV can be as polished as you like, but having a massive symbol of Nazi hatred slashed across your stupid old face is just as likely to put recruiters off as if your handshake is a bit effeminate.

Seriously, Charles Manson would probably have trouble even getting a job working in B&Q with that swastika on his face. And that’s saying something – they’ll employ anyone.

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Image courtesy of Corcoran State Prison

The past tense was correct, by the way. An LA judge has just granted Britney Spears and her family a longterm restraining order from Britney’s ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib – leading to fears that, without Britney Spears to piggyback around on, Adnan will fold up neatly, slot into his disgusting beard-slug and crawl away never to be heard of again.

So Adnan Ghalib, it was nice knowing you. Even though we didn’t actually know you. And it was the scientific opposite of nice.

Some people say that Britney Spears constantly needs a man in her life. They point out that Britney Spears only officially started going shitpot barmy once she split up with her husband, and that she’s so easily led astray because all the inappropriate men she’s ever been linked to are a substitute for the emotional stability she missed growing up as a showbusiness child.

But to this we say pah. Britney Spears is a strong, independent woman. And nobody demonstrates this more than Britney’s ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib. A married paparazzo, Adnan Ghalib not only convinced Britney Spears to be with him – and pose for semi-naked pictures – at the height of her mental illness, but he also managed to squeeze in a tell-all interview about her on TV hours after she dumped him.

How does Adnan Ghalib’s manipulation of Britney Spears demonstrate her strength? Simple, because he wasn’t manipulating her at all. Look, Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib haven’t been together for months, and Britney is still shrieking about her genitals in public. She’s always been mental! In your face, Ghalib!

And now it’s been proven that Britney Spears can get along without Adnan Ghalib very well, it’s time for him to be banished from her until the distant future. Reuters reports:

Britney Spears’ former boyfriend, photographer Adnan Ghalib, was ordered on Wednesday to stay away from the singer and her family for three years. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Aviva Bobb imposed a restraining order on Ghalib until March 2012. Bobb also extended a temporary stay away order against the singer’s former self-styled manager, Sam Lutfi, until April 1.

Add this restraining order to the assualt charge that he currently faces and it doesn’t paint a pretty future for Adnan Ghalib. The best-case scenario is that all the paparazzi pictures he takes of Britney Spears will now have to be shot from at least 250 yards away from her, and the worst-case scenario involves him being deported back to the UK.

By which we obviously mean that it’ll be the worst-case scenario for us, because he’d almost definitely try and shack up with Kerry Katona right from the get-go, and semi-naked photos of Kerry Katona are literally the last thing we’d ever want to see.

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That’s why Rihanna is a fool. If reports are to be believed then Rihanna has decided to ‘take a break’ from Chris Brown, either because she’s embarrassed by the negative public reaction she’s currently getting, or because he allegedly choked her unconscious and threatened to kill her less than two months ago.

But Rihanna’s loss could be your gain – if you can throw carkeys through windows and absorb several blows with your face and skull, Chris Brown is waiting for your call.

Suddenly becoming single can take some getting used to. You find yourself missing the long conversations, the night time companionship and the feeling of mutual dependency. Also, sometimes you wake up in the night thrashing around with your fists while screaming “I’ll kill you, you bitch, I’ll kill you!” And, you know, it just doesn’t feel the same if there’s a pillow on the receiving end instead of a bestselling R&B popstress.

That’s possibly the situation that Chris Brown finds himself in at the moment, because Rihanna has reportedly dumped him. No official reasons have been given yet – although we’re willing wager that it’s either because he’s been charged with beating her to a pulp or because sometimes he drinks all the milk and then puts the empty carton back into the fridge afterwards.

And anyway, as the Daily Mail reports, it’s not like Rihanna is splitting up with Chris Brown forever:

Rihanna and Chris Brown are reportedly ‘taking a break’ from their relationship, sources have revealed. The pop star is currently in New York while Chris remains in Los Angeles following the fall-out of their allegedly violent argument last month. The couple are not however calling it a formal split as they are said to be planning to get together soon despite his domestic battery charges.

If this is just a cynical time-biding split to try and reverse the wave of negative opinion that hit her when she got back together with Chris Brown, then Rihanna is playing a dangerous game. Not simply because the whole thing is so transparent that not even Chris Brown’s most staggering illiterate teenage fan will fall for it, but because she runs the risk of letting Chris Brown slip her grasp.

Remember that Chris Brown has a booty call any time he wants it. Unless, you know, it’s after 6pm. Or if the bingo’s on. Or if she’s getting ready for a nice soak in her walk-in bath with a large-print book of Sudoku and an EZ-Grip rheumatoid arthritis pen. Essentially we’re trying to say that Chris Brown’s booty call is really old. You probably got that already.

Still, on the plus side, anyone wanting to go out with Rihanna now is in for an easy ride – her ex-boyfriend’s been charged with threatening to kill her, so you could probably belch and pick your arse and make her pay for dinner and she’d still probably think you were a gentleman. Silver linings, eh?

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Unless she hasn’t. Basically it’s been reported that LeAnn Rimes had cheated on her husband with Eddie Cibrian, her co-star in a forthcoming TV movie. Which isn’t really news, since people we don’t care about presumably cheat on their partners with people we’ve never heard of every day.

Anyway, while Eddie Cibrian has denied the affair, LeAnn Rimes has been a little less forthcoming. You know what this means? LeAnn Rimes totally raped Eddie Cibrian in his sleep! Unless she didn’t.

It’s difficult to think of LeAnn Rimes as a country singer, isn’t it? True, she may have ticked most of the appropriate boxes – she sings country music, she’s from the south of America and she has a woefully misspelt name – but there was just one thing stopping us from taking LeAnn Rimes seriously: a hopelessly messed-up personal life.

Having a hopelessly messed-up personal life is rule number one of being a country singer. Until you’ve developed an alcohol dependency, got married to a man who’s been arrested for child abuse or literally shot a stranger in the face, you can’t join the club. And it looks like LeAnn Rimes might have just joined the club.

Even though nobody has seen, heard or even thought of her once in the last decade, LeAnn Rimes is apparently making a TV movie at the moment called Northern Lights. We don’t know what it’s about, and we don’t feel like we have to find out because we’re not going to watch it, you’re not going to watch it and the only people who are going to watch it will be Alzheimer’s sufferers who can’t find their remote control and they’ll forget it ever existed the moment it finishes, so it doesn’t matter.

However, we’d guess that Northern Lights is either very sexy or very boring, because it’s been reported that it pushed LeAnn Rimes into having a passionate affair with her co-star Eddie Cibrian. Unless it didn’t – here’s what Cibrian had to say about it:

“Other than being friends and two actors who were romantically intertwined in a movie-for-television we filmed last fall, there is no truth to the reporting… It is a fabricated story that is using random snapshots as connective tissue to create a scandalous relationship.”

And this hardline denial was backed up by LeAnn Rimes in a blog post yesterday:

“This is a difficult time for me and my loved ones. But I appreciate all your continued support. I would like to assure all of you that this is a place for you to hear things directly from me and as you all know, not everything in our lives is black and white.”

Wait, that’s not a firm denial at all. If anything, it seems like LeAnn Rimes is being deliberately evasive about it all. So what’s going on? Did LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have an affair or not?

The answer is: we don’t care. It’s LeAnn Rimes, for God’s sake. We’d rather not waste time remembering that she even exists. We’re not mental.

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No really, it is. If you’ve read the Bible, you’ll remember the passage describing Jesus’s decision to make an album about how miserable he is with loads of Autotune on it. And we believe it was Mark 3:11 that went “And, lo, Jesus was charged with three misdemeanors for acting like a cock in an airport.”

And now Kanye West has been charged with three misdemeanors for that time he acted like a cock in an airport too. Oh, holy symmetry.

If you want to annoy a celebrity, your two best bets are to become either a member of the paparazzi or a large international airport. Both are Kryptonite to the famous. Become a photographer and one day you’ll find yourself being beaten up by Pierce Brosnan in a carpark; become an airport and there’s a strong likelihood you’ll wind up getting covered in David Hasselhoff’s urine.

But if you’re a photographer in an airport, then you’re really asking for trouble. Especially if Kanye West is around. This was ably proved last September thanks to that video of Kanye West apparently grabbing a paparazzo’s camera in a scrum of journalists and smashing it to the ground.

We don’t know exactly what happened prior to the bust-up, but we do know that it’s incredibly difficult to make Kanye West that angry – usually you’d need to not give him an award or be annoyed at the fact that his concert didn’t start for eight hours after it was supposed to. You know, something huge.

But whatever the cause of the incident, Kanye West is now paying the price – he’s just been charged for it. EW reports:

Kanye West has been charged with criminal misdemeanor battery, grand theft, and vandalism by Los Angeles city prosecutors for an incident stemming from an altercation with paparazzi last September. West was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport after allegedly breaking the flash of a photographer’s camera inside a terminal.

Worse still for Kanye West, if he’s convicted of these charges he faces up to two and a half years in jail. That sounds bad at first, until you remember that Kanye West literally thinks he’s Jesus and even Jesus had to spend 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness. True, Kanye would technically be spending 912 days and 912 nights being violently bummed by a psychologically-disturbed arsonist inside a little room that smells of wee, but Jesus wasn’t allowed to be picky you know.

Besides, regardless of whether or not Kanye West will be convicted, this whole affair is bound to be good for his creativity. After all, who doesn’t want to hear a concept triple-album all about how angry Kanye West got when he realised that the ink used to take his fingerprints hadn’t been heated to his specified level of comfort? That would be golden.

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Twitter is to celebrities today what Kabbalah string bracelets were to them five years ago. Over-hyped, over-exposed and over here.

Tweeting, which essentially involves posting short updates about your day, is huge online right now. Both celebrities and regular folks alike are hopping on the bandwagon of the communication tool that is an absolute Facebook killer.

Despite being talked about as often as Paris Hilton’s love life and experiencing ludicrous growth of some 1,382% year-over-year from February 2008 to February 2009, Twitter is actually being shunned by some entertainers.
Why, you ask. Well, for reasons known only to themselves, not all celebs are accommodating enough to be money-hungry, fame-hungry attention-whores who wish to over-share on every conceivable aspect of their home life.

Word is some stars are rebelling and are saying ‘No’ to Twitter, thus making a statement by not joining in the micro-blogging revolution.

Well, maybe not a revolution, but perhaps one could call it an online coup. Like Twitter is some kind of renegade online force stalking around at night, just waiting for the opportunity to overthrow Facebook. Or perhaps it is just a spotty chav troublemaker spraying graffiti on the walls of MySpace HQ.

In any case Twitter celebrities are managing to annoy people one update at a time.

Whether it is Lily Allen admittedly showing a lapse in judgement and sharing her exact comings and goings on any given day, much to the delight of the waiting paparazzi, or Diddy over-sharing and live-Tweeting his marathon tantric sex sessions, one thing celebs have mastered is the ability to irritate the crap out of people in 140 characters or less.

Some celebrities are more subdued though. Some prefer the art of annoying people on TV and some of the older gang still like to do so via radio.

Two particular names have stepped forward and said that tweeting and all such tweenage shenanigans are not for them. Paul Rudd and Rashida Jones told E! News why they are turning their backs on the phenomena.

“I’m afraid of the Internet. I’m too old to tweet,” said Paul Rudd when E! News caught up with the stars of I Love You, Man at Austin’s South by Southwest Film Festival. “So I don’t tweet.” “If I didn’t talk to you in high school, I don’t need to talk to you, you now,” agrees costar Jason Segal. And while some stars will tweet their exact location and invite fans to rub up against them at a bus stop, Office vixen Rashida Jones isn’t so hot on the idea, “I don’t need to invite stalkers into my life. I just don’t really see the point.”

So there you have it, two less people to bore you with tales of how many sugars they just put in their tea and what time they are going to bed tonight.

Lets hope that either more awesome celebs like MC Hammer keep joining, or the more prolific attention seekers stop hogging up the place and just get lost.

This was a guest blog by the wonderful Amy Grindhouse whose blog you should all visit immediately. Now, brace yourselves for irony…

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We’re talking about an ego so freakin’ enormous that it operates like a gargantuan black hole, physically and spiritually swallowing up everything in sight – man, woman, child, baby back ribs, U.S. First Ladies – you name it.

Well, just when we thought that we understood the awesome light and matter-consuming force that is Oprah, she goes and does something completely uncharacteristic of someone whose personal fortune was not built on prattling on and on about Oprah. Turns out, Oprah has ushered in a brave new world where people other than Oprah are seen on the cover of Oprah’s magazine, O (for Oprah).

We have to admit that we were blindsided with the news that Oprah had magnanimously opted to share the front cover of O magazine’s April issue with someone not named Oprah. Turns out, the universe is also occupied by another sentient being named Michelle Obama. Huh. That is some messed up shit.

According to Oprah’s editorial, she decided to make room for the U.S. First Lady in an attempt to keep the cover of O “looking fresh”, and sure enough the feature interview is chock full of fresh, yummy details regarding Michelle’s shoes, exercise regimen and decorating style. Gloria Steinem, your head may explode now.

Oprah’s newfound inclusiveness however comes to a full, screeching stop near the end of the interview when Oprah returns to her favourite subject, Oprah:

Oprah: A reporter who once interviewed me ten years after she’d first met me said, “Gee, you’re the same person—but it feels like you’ve become more of yourself.”

Becoming more of yourself…hmmm…

A word of caution to the patrons of all-you-can-eat buffets everywhere. Never, ever approach Oprah when she is in the process of becoming more of herself. Just back away slowly, and discreetly gesture to the manager. Our prayers will be with you.

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At some point in a woman’s life they will want to mate with their respective partner. Either they want to take a step back from everything or let their children carry on their legacy.

Former porn star Jenna Jameson finally breathed a sigh of relief this week when her twin boys escaped the womb. Obviously we expect mother and father to be ecstatically overcome with joy, but when the youngsters grow up, talks about the birds and the bees could be quite interesting.

Unless you happen to be a nun, a vicar or someone who has never accidentally typed xxx into Google, you’ll know who Jenna Jameson is. She’s the legendary lady who has done many a thing to arouse many a man, woman and teenager using a variety of props along the way. The variety of films she’s starred in with multiple people of both sexes and strange-looking objects are endless.

Legions of perverts were all left bitterly disappointed when Jenna announced that her legs would be welded shut forever at a porn award ceremony last year. Sales of tissues were reportedly on the rise as thousands of people had a solitary cry in the comfort of a darken room alongside copies of bongo magazines and their Jenna Jameson DVD collection.

For the unnamed children, they aren’t in the know as of yet, but they have been born into a family with a healthy bit of money behind it. You’d have thought that once you see the same woman being shagged countless times, it would get boring. Apparently not it seems as Jenna is the queen of all things porn-related like Keane are the bedwetters of music.

Fast forward to 2023. This will be the time when her youngsters, feeling the hormones flow, will type in rude words on the internet. Or if we’ve advanced a bit, their personal interactive mobility gizmo. Imagine the look of surprise on their faces if the first result for “white chick cock orgy” throws up an image of their mum. Worryingly, all their friends will be able to tease the twins and boast that they saw their mum naked without accidentally wandering into the bathroom to have a slash. More than likely, this has been used as plotline in one of her filth films.

To possibly numb the pain for her children, Jenna could possibly explain what she did for a living at a bring your mother to school day when the boys are slightly younger. More than likely, the other children’s fathers will take a great interest in the talk as she explains how to fully fit a 12” dildo up her chuff or gives advice on what techniques are the best for anal. Besides, it’ll be more interesting than listening to someone talking about the wonders of banking.

The former bongo star gave birth at Newport Beach Hospital a few days ago, and a rep for Jenna Jameson said the following vague statement:

“They’re in very good health”.

It can only be assumed that the infants are doing OK, but what the mother herself? Sure, she’s used to various objects entering her love tunnel, but what about when things try to get out? Because we’ve never experienced the joys of child birth, we can only assume it’ll hurt quite a bit when trying to push a big object out of a small hole. And she had to do it twice. Ouch.

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Not a lot more, admittedly. But let’s not split hairs here – our point is that Kim Kardashian is happy to rush to the defence of any celebrity who acts in a gormless way and gets lambasted in the media for it. Kim Kardashian’s dad was OJ Simpson’s lawyer, did we mention that?

Anyway, now Kim Kardashian has decided to defend Lindsay Lohan for her erratic behaviour. Which is good, because in these harsh economic times, people need a job for life.

Maybe it’s because she’s grown tired of today’s vampiric, knee-jerk media culture, or maybe it’s because she’s an over-privileged spakplank who will never have to work for a living because, even if she finds herself with no money, she’ll be able to sustain herself on the vast fat reserve located in her rump, but for one reason or another Kim Kardashian seems determined to act as the righteous defender of the famous lately.

For instance, when Jessica Simpson suddenly got fat earlier this year, and decided to perform a concert in an outfit that somehow made her look exactly like a perfect lard-sphere, Kim Kardashian was the first to leap to her defence by saying how sexy she looked. She was wrong, but a precedent had been set nonetheless.

And now, having hopped over that molehill with relative ease, Kim Kardashian has decided to set her sights on the Everest that is Lindsay Lohan.

As well as being hit with a recently-quashed arrest warrant, Lindsay Lohan’s weekend also apparently involved having a loud argument with Sam Ronson that ended with a window getting broken and the police being called. Nothing really out of the ordinary there – Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson had a fight on New Year’s Day and a fight On Valentine’s Day so it’s only natural that they’d also have a fight on March 14 which, as everyone knows, is the Estonian national language day – and that’s probably why it wasn’t widely reported.

But that hasn’t stopped Kim Kardashian from wading into the fray anyway, declaring that we’re all bastards for picking on Lindsay Lohan just because she might have got a bit unstable and window-breaky, even though we didn’t actually know that any of this happened until she started shouting her gob off about it. People reports:

“It’s so sad that there’s such an invasion of privacy, with camera people, cops and paparazzi outside their home,” Kardashian, 28, told PEOPLE. “I mean, when have you not thrown something when you’re mad? Everyone has to admit that at one time in their life, they’ve gotten so mad that they’ve thrown something, but maybe not necessarily breaking a window. Can’t people have an argument without everyone watching?”

Actually, Kim Kardashian has a point here. We have got so angry that we’ve thrown things in the past. And we regret it bitterly. Honestly, have you ever tried to get axe marks out of a Kim Kardashian poster? It’s damn near impossible.

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It turns out she’s had some babies. That’s pretty shoddy timing if you ask us. How on Earth is Nadya Suleman going to juggle motherhood with her very obvious quest of being on all the television shows, magazines, newspapers and websites in the world simultaneously forever? It’s a letdown.

And, worse still, some of the children that Nadya Suleman had now live with her. You might not think that’s news, by the way, but helicopters were filming it so technically it is. So there.

You know who we feel sorry for? Nadya Suleman’s existing six children. Everyone’s busy calling her Octomom like the eight babies she grimly thudded out like an executioner’s drumbeat in January were the first ones she had, but they’re not. Nadya Suleman is now the mother of 14 children, not eight. If anything we should be calling her Tetradecamom. Sort it out, evil media elite.

Oh, and also we feel sorry for Nadya Suleman’s existing six children because their house is about to start filling up with the screaming hairless Tribbles that Nadya shot out of her womb a couple of months ago. According to more reports than our mental health will let us count, Nadya Suleman has taken care of two of her eight babies. CNN reports:

The babies discharged from the hospital were Noah Angel, known as Baby A, and Isaiah Angel, known as Baby C, according to the Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center. “Both infants are able to bottle feed, are gaining weight and are able to maintain their body temperature,” the release said. “This is a happy moment for everyone — the family, physicians, nurses and entire NICU (neonatal intensive care unit staff).”

We can’t think why it’d be a happy moment for the entire NICU. As far as we were aware, most NICUs love having their resources drained by the actions of an irresponsible fertility doctor on an impressionable and somewhat hysterical compulsively baby-collecting single mother.

Also, notice how cute it is that all of Nadya Suleman’s eight new babies have been named with a biblical theme in mind. True, we hear that they’re only called Noah and Isaiah because the most accurate biblical name for them – Collective Locust Plague – might have got them singled out in the playground, but it’s still cute.

Anyway, now that two of Nadya Suleman’s children are returning home – with the remaining six rapidly becoming strong enough to follow them – it means that Nadya Suleman can finally start doing what she’s waited so long to so. And by that we mean bang eight blokes at once for cash, sell a genuinely gruesome birthing tape that we hear is the closest human equivalent to watching a pin burst a sac of baby spiders and being on all the television shows all the time.

Oh, and raising her children, too. We hear that Nadya Suleman’s got that pencilled in for the future, too.

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And the second-stupidest. And the third-stupidest. And the fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh-stupidest. But what’s the eighth-stupidest thing left for Rihanna to do? Why, star in a remake of a film about a woman who a man is trying to kill, of course.

Rihanna is reportedly going to star in a remake of The Bodyguard. Apparently she plans on hitting the high notes of I Will Always Love You by letting Chris Brown stomp on one of her hands. Who knew?

First the good news – all the fuss over Rihanna and Chris Brown has died down a little lately. The court date has been set, the outrage has died down and the online community of Chris Brown fans have either grown tired of defending him or lost the basic cerebral ability to use or recognise a computer keyboard. It’s almost over.

And now the bad news – it’s becoming increasingly apparent that Rihanna’s brain got completely scabbed up after Chris Brown’s alleged attack on her, because not a single thing she’s done since the incident has made even a scrap of sense.

There was the moment when Rihanna decided to take Chris Brown back, of course. Then there was the moment when Rihanna and Chris Brown reportedly got married. And then there was that duet they recorded together. Hasn’t Rihanna seen the Jennifer Lopez movie Enough? If your partner beats you up, you need to train to expert level in an obscure Israeli martial art and then push him off a balcony to his death, not sing a bloody song with him.

And now comes perhaps the most bizarre thing that Rihanna has done since Chris Brown’s arrest – she’s planning to star in a remake of The Bodyguard. You know, the film about a woman who lives in fear of being attacked that starred a woman whose husband was once jailed for domestic assault. Smart move, Rihanna. The New York Daily News reports:

The battered pop star made an impromptu trip to the Big Apple over the weekend to have some meetings about impending projects: one of which is a proposed remake of 1992’s Whitney Houston/Kevin Costner flick, “The Bodyguard.” Rihanna would be taking on Whitney’s role in the updated version, which an insider says would be a “young and sexy take” on the favorite film.

Now, we’re sure that if Rihanna’s jaw has been reset well enough for people to understand what she’s saying, then her remake of The Bodyguard will be an almighty success.

But she should be careful – while it might be fun for Rihanna to follow in Whitney Houston’s footsteps now, it can only end up in one of two ways. Either she’ll get addicted to crack or she’ll make a reality TV show about Chris Brown using his fingers to scoop the constipated turds out of her rectum.

Or, worse still, Waiting To Exhale.

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Lindsay Lohan is no longer on the run. Sure, for Lindsay Lohan it means her arrest warrant has been quashed and she can get on with her life, but for us it means we’ll have to stop stalking Lindsay Lohan in bushes with a blowdart and a net, waiting for her to give us a clear shot at her carotid artery.

And we needed that reward money, too. Damn you, Lindsay Lohan. Damn you and your consistent law-abiding tendencies!

A remake of the Chained Heat movies starring Lindsay Lohan would certainly be a box office draw, in that it’d be just the same as Chained Heat, but the acting would be worse and the entire audience would be audibly praying for none of the prisoners to take their underwear off.

And until yesterday, the idea of Lindsay Lohan going to jail for a series of glamorous, erotic and weirdly dated adventures seemed like a real possibility, after an arrest warrant was taken out against her following an alleged probation violation involving something about her bloody booze rehab or whatever.

You’ll forgive our lack of details, but it doesn’t really matter any more. You see, Lindsay Lohan’s arrest warrant has been overturned by a judge who may or may not have based his decision on the possibility of seeing I Know Who Killed Me 2: I Also Know Who Excavated My Corpse go into production. AP reports:

Judge Marsha N. Revel determined that the actress has been complying with the terms of her probation but needs to show her treatment program better documentation to avoid future court problems. The judge also noted that Lohan has not failed any drug or alcohol tests. “As you saw in court, this was really much ado about nothing,” [attorney] Holley told reporters after the hearing.

This will be bittersweet news for Lindsay Lohan. After all, it was a similar probation violation that landed Paris Hilton in jail, and the last thing that Lindsay Lohan wants is to become a star of several unsuccessful films and a failed singer like Paris Hil… oh, wait a minute.

Besides, the arrest warrant would have allowed Lindsay Lohan to live rough on the streets forraging for scraps to eat for a while, but now it’s been quashed she’ll have to think of another excuse for why she looks so scrawny and tatty and exhausted all the time. And the new excuse can’t be that she works too hard because, come on, we’ve got eyes.

Still, despite all this the overturning of her arrest warrant will be a huge relief for Lindsay Lohan. Now she’ll able to complete her probation with no more trouble. Unless fighting in public, allegedly stealing outerwear from aristocrats and being a staggeringly objectionable twatflap suddenly become illegal, that is. Because then Lindsay Lohan will be effed.

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