Celebrity Astronime Domini

The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother - she can’t even photocopy, so what’s stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet?

However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don’t matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she’s told People that she’s desperate to have children.

Don’t be too alarmed by Paris Hilton’s claims, though - if she does have a baby it’ll be an interesting genetic experiment - in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.

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Thanks to the economy, you probably now live under a park bench existing on nothing but rain - but, hey, look at the lovely time Miley Cyrus is having!

This week saw Miley Cyrus celebrate her 16th birthday in Disneyland. That is to say, all of Disneyland. Miley Cyrus’ parents hired out all of Disneyland for Miley, invited thousands of guests and then lit up the Californian dusk with a firework display of epic proportions.

As great as that sounds, there was a sour edge to the weekend as well - Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus insisted on performing Achy Breaky Heart to the assembled guests. So, while your parents never did anthing as ostentatious as renting out Disneyland for your 16th birthday, at least you can relax in the knowledge that a pouting vagina-faced idiot didn’t nause everything up by singing the world’s worst song in the middle of it either. Yours was better.

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Angelina Jolie has physically changed since the birth of her twins, and not just because now you could easily drive a tractor up her birth canal.

No. Instead, Angelina Jolie has decided to change by getting two more tattoos etched onto her left arm to commemorate the birth of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. According to reports, the tattoos come in the form of map coordinates explaining exactly where the twins were born.

They’re not the only coordinate tattoos Angelina Jolie has - in fact, she’s a long-time proponent of them. Angelina Jolie’s arm also bears the coordinates of the birthplace of Maddox, the birthplace of Zahara, the birthplace of Shiloh Nouvel, the birthplace of Pax Thien and the exact location of where Angelina Jolie decided to steal Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston forever.

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Guess what. That armed robbery of OJ Simpson’s that had several witnesses and audio recordings to back it up - turns out he did it.

By now you’ve probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he’s being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety.

But still, OJ Simpson won’t find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he’s been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he’s always wanted to, for example - the hypothetical If I Didn’t Do It, Here’s How It Didn’t Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.

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OJ Simpson’s Difficult Second Trial has gone to the jury - it’s now down to them to decide whether OJ Simpson did it or didn’t do or killed his wife or whatever.

The closing arguments were a nice reflection on the trial that had just passed - in that they weren’t really as exciting as they could have been and everyone present looked as if they’d rather be anywhere else on Earth. But that’s not what matters. What matters is that soon a jury will finally - finally - make the OJ Simpson trial slightly exciting.

So now we wait. How long will the jury take to decide OJ Simpson’s fate? What will the fate be? How many badly-written OJ Simpson: My Part In His Downfall books will the jurors release between them? Can’t they just hurry up and make a decision? Seriously, we’re losing all sensation in our feet.

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You know that time you had a protracted two-hour argument with your girlfriend about the hoovering? JK Rowling earnt £36,000 during that.

And you know that poo you did this morning? The one you bit off prematurely because you were in a rush? JK Rowling earnt enough money to buy two Playstations and a week in a Greek villa during that. It’s just been announced, you see, that JK Rowling is the richest author on the planet, earning £5 a second.

So even just then, when you recoiled in disgust at our graphic description of chopping a poo in half with your sphincter, JK Rowling probably made enough money to go on a three-hour shopping spree at Primark. A shopping spree that ironically would earn JK Rowling enough money to but a nice eight-berth yacht that, if she took on a two-week cruise, would earn her enough money to buy your entire family forever, basically.

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You might not know this, but Sharon Stone is famed for her sense of smell - if a mouse does a poo 50 miles away, Sharon Stone will still puke up and faint because if it.

And this ability has ultimately been Sharon Stone’s undoing. Sharon Stone lost custody of her child recently, with one of the justifications being that Sharon’s eight-year-old son had feet that smelt like putrid bum death, and she wanted to cure this with regular Botox injections into his feet.

However, Sharon Stone has denied wanting to Botox her son’s feet, calling it a ‘complete fabrication’. But on the other hand, she did give him a browlift to stop his sweaty armpits and a brand new set of 36DD plastic boobies to try and offset his chronic farting, so who knows.

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Take a portion of rice, cup full of chilli powder, nine cans of lager, a large packet of chips, cup of curry sauce from the local Chinese takeaway, a couple of mints and what do you get? Vomit-induced fun!

Mmm, all those undigested chunks floating around in a river of brown liquid either in the middle of the street, the next door neighbour’s neatly trimmed lawn or your mate’s bed.

Whilst the above combination is the result of typical student bids to be wacky and impressive, everyone can now experience the thrill of choking on their own sick. You see, everyone’s favourite reality TV star Kerry Katona has decided to show the world her boobs. Well, we’ve got to work one way or another. Even if it puts the health of the nation at risk.

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You might be pleased that Angelina Jolie has returned to New York with Brad Pitt and all her children, but your joy could be misplaced.

That’s because the logistics of shipping the world’s most famous couple plus all their assorted children to one of the world’s busiest cities are a nightmare. Such a nightmare, in fact, that Angelina Jolie’s gigantic army of family and staff apparently brought traffic to a grinding standstill in the area surrounding her hotel yesterday.

However, we get the feeling the this giant traffic jam was nothing more than a clever promotional stunt for Angelina Jolie’s new movie The Changeling. After all, it used to be known as the boring-looking movie that Angelina Jolie only did because she thought she’d get an Oscar out of it, and now it’s the movie that made a few New Yorkers a couple of minutes late for their tea. And that’s probably better, we’d imagine.

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Hey, everyone! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have arrived in America for the first time since the birth of their twins!

This is very important news, and we’ll tell you why soon. Anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived in New York for the first time since the birth of their last children so that Angelina can promote her new movie The Changeling.

We said we’d tell you why it was so important that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were returning to America, didn’t we? Well, alright, we will - it’s important because, um, well, Brad Pitt is, um… and Angelina sort of… no. We’ve got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe they left the gas on or something. We genuinely couldn’t care less.

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The closing arguments of the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means soon - finally - something interesting might actually happen soon.

It’s doubtful though, because the entire OJ Simpson trial has been a bit of a snore. It shouldn’t have been - a man almost had a heart attack once and yesterday everyone heard how a man apparently threatened to go on the rampage with a gun - but it was. Not even OJ Simpson could be bothered to testify at the OJ Simpson trial, for crying out loud.

To be fair, though, we hear that’s because he’s saving his thoughts up for another book; the forthcoming If I Did It (Which I Might Or Might Not Have Done) Here’s How It Either Happened Or Would’ve Happened Depending On If I Did It Or Not.

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This is a day as momentous as the moon landing plus the fall of the Berlin wall multiplied by three Live Aids - Rosie O’Donnell’s back on TV!

After spending 17 months in the television wilderness, where she’s filled her time with nothing but failed comeback attempts and screwy pronouncements about other gay celebrities, it’s been announced that Rosie O’Donnell will host a live one-hour primetime show on NBC the day before Thanksgiving.

The show is to be entitled Rosie’s Variety Hour. It’s an accurate name, since the entire show is going to be an hour of Rosie O’Donnell destroying a variety of things that make her angry with a cricket bat - like a bible, the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution, the headquarters of an anti-abortion lobby group and, as a finale, a 30-storey slime-filled papier mache sculpture of Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Donald Trump holding hands.

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