As the world knows all too well – there are certain words that are just off limits. There’s the N-Word, obviously. And there’s the big C, which we’ve been informed on several occasions we cannot use around camel-toed women.
You can say cunt around female atheists though. It’s because they have no soul. Other words that’ll draw a hush are queef, fag, piss, dick lips & “Everybody on the ground! You know what this is!”
Well Jennifer Aniston is said to have recently used the word ‘Retard’ on Live with Regis & Kelly. It’s got her in a lot of heat right now – but in her defense – how is it fair that she’s the only one on set not allowed to refer to Philbin by his most popular nickname?
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Well that’s it. The one true Hollywood love story is coming to a close.
Also Katherine & Joe Jackson are calling it quits after 60 years of marriage. As we understand it the last straw was when Katherine caught Joe belt-whipping Michael’s corpse and telling it to rot better. Because that’s supposed to be what he did while the boys would dance – get it? See what we did there?
The elder Jackson marriage is reportedly so done that even Dr. Conrad Murray wouldn’t be able to resuscitate it. Not that he’d try, mind you.
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Completely appalling goggle-eyed squawking gargoyle Katie ‘Jordan’ Price hits back at rumours in the Daily Star that she is pregnant via her Twitter account stating that her new ‘belly’ – filled we imagine with a diet of Bacardi Breezers and Cheerios – is not evidence of a horrifying addition to our already addled gene pool:
I can confirm I’m 100% not pregnant
No, she’s just fat, the dreadful troglodyte, whose total body mass now consists of 90% fake eyelashes, pretend teeth, hair extensions and comedy breasts – at a completely unscientific and made-up estimate – and 10% actual woman who you probably wouldn’t touch in the first place, no matter how many WKDs you’d downed.
And some fat.
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This alleged affair between LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian has really caught the public’s imagination, hasn’t it?
No. No it hasn’t. And that’s probably down to the fact that if you multiplied all the people in the world who care about LeAnn Rimes with all the people in the world who care about Eddie Cibrian, you’d end up with approximately one person. But that all changes now.
Because now there’s a video of LeAnn Rimes kissing Eddie Cibrian and sucking his finger. Or, to be more accurate, two indistinct grainy blobs jiggling around in a pointlessly nonspecific way. Gotcha, LeAnn!
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Question: Who’s the main star of Twilight? Answer: Robert Pattinson. Question: Who else stars in Twilight?
Answer: Robert Pattinson’s haircut. Who else? Nobody else. Robert Pattinson and Robert Pattinson’s haircut are the only two people in Twilight, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a bloody liar.
Oh, wait – apparently we’re wrong. Apparently someone called Kirsten Stewart also stars in Twilight. And apparently Kristen Stewart is so annoyed that everyone ignores her in favour of Robert Pattinson that she refuses to be in the same room as him. Possibly. It’s hard to tell. We keep forgetting what she looks like.
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Upset when Octomom turned down her porno because you can only get off by watching horrifying things?
Then this is your lucky day! Apparently the one thing worse than seeing a tape of a new mother having sex with eight men for cash – a tape of Rihanna and Chris Brown having sex with each other – actually exists and could be put onto the internet at any point.
Appalling, sure, but at the least the Rihanna sex tape might show us what Rihanna can see in Chris Brown, because it can’t be his manners. Or his voice. Or his stupid face.
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If there’s one thing the tale of Charles Manson can teach us, it’s never to carve a swastika into your own forehead.
Really, don’t. Sure, it might seem like a cool thing to do when you’re the unhinged leader of a murderer-commune determined to set off a race war because of something you once heard Paul McCartney shriek, but one day you’re going to look in the mirror and realise that you’re a 74-year-old man with a swastika carved into your own forehead.
California correctional officials have released a new photo of Charles Manson. No, we don’t know why either.
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Adnan Ghalib was famous for being the only man alive who could make Kevin Federline seem sort of decent.
The past tense was correct, by the way. An LA judge has just granted Britney Spears and her family a longterm restraining order from Britney’s ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib – leading to fears that, without Britney Spears to piggyback around on, Adnan will fold up neatly, slot into his disgusting beard-slug and crawl away never to be heard of again.
So Adnan Ghalib, it was nice knowing you. Even though we didn’t actually know you. And it was the scientific opposite of nice.
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