Celebrity Astronime Domini
LeAnn Rimes: The Grainy, Unwatchable Kissy Fingersuck Video
This alleged affair between LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian has really caught the public's imagination, hasn't it? No. No it hasn't. And that's probably down to the fact that if you multiplied all the people in the world who care about LeAnn Rimes with all the people in the world who care about Eddie Cibrian, you'd end up with approximately one person. But that all changes now. Because now there's a video of LeAnn Rimes kissing Eddie Cibrian and sucking his finger. Or, to be more accurate, two indistinct grainy blobs jiggling around in a pointlessly nonspecific way. Gotcha, LeAnn!
This alleged affair between LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian has really caught the public's imagination, hasn't it? No. No it hasn't. And that's probably down to the fact that if you multiplied all the people in the world who care about LeAnn Rimes with all the people in the world who care about Eddie Cibrian, you'd end up with approximately one person. But that all changes now. Because now there's a video of LeAnn Rimes kissing Eddie Cibrian and sucking his finger. Or, to be more accurate, two indistinct grainy blobs jiggling around in a pointlessly nonspecific way. Gotcha, LeAnn!
Twilight: Does Kristen Stewart Envy Robert Pattinson? Anyone?
Question: Who's the main star of Twilight? Answer: Robert Pattinson. Question: Who else stars in Twilight? Answer: Robert Pattinson's haircut. Who else? Nobody else. Robert Pattinson and Robert Pattinson's haircut are the only two people in Twilight, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a bloody liar. Oh, wait - apparently we're wrong. Apparently someone called Kirsten Stewart also stars in Twilight. And apparently Kristen Stewart is so annoyed that everyone ignores her in favour of Robert Pattinson that she refuses to be in the same room as him. Possibly. It's hard to tell. We keep forgetting what she looks like.
Question: Who's the main star of Twilight? Answer: Robert Pattinson. Question: Who else stars in Twilight? Answer: Robert Pattinson's haircut. Who else? Nobody else. Robert Pattinson and Robert Pattinson's haircut are the only two people in Twilight, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a bloody liar. Oh, wait - apparently we're wrong. Apparently someone called Kirsten Stewart also stars in Twilight. And apparently Kristen Stewart is so annoyed that everyone ignores her in favour of Robert Pattinson that she refuses to be in the same room as him. Possibly. It's hard to tell. We keep forgetting what she looks like.
There Might Be A Rihanna/ Chris Brown Sex Tape, Upsettingly
Upset when Octomom turned down her porno because you can only get off by watching horrifying things? Then this is your lucky day! Apparently the one thing worse than seeing a tape of a new mother having sex with eight men for cash - a tape of Rihanna and Chris Brown having sex with each other - actually exists and could be put onto the internet at any point. Appalling, sure, but at the least the Rihanna sex tape might show us what Rihanna can see in Chris Brown, because it can't be his manners. Or his voice. Or his stupid face.
Upset when Octomom turned down her porno because you can only get off by watching horrifying things? Then this is your lucky day! Apparently the one thing worse than seeing a tape of a new mother having sex with eight men for cash - a tape of Rihanna and Chris Brown having sex with each other - actually exists and could be put onto the internet at any point. Appalling, sure, but at the least the Rihanna sex tape might show us what Rihanna can see in Chris Brown, because it can't be his manners. Or his voice. Or his stupid face.
Here’s A Photo Of Charles Manson, For No Reason Whatsoever
If there's one thing the tale of Charles Manson can teach us, it's never to carve a swastika into your own forehead. Really, don't. Sure, it might seem like a cool thing to do when you're the unhinged leader of a murderer-commune determined to set off a race war because of something you once heard Paul McCartney shriek, but one day you're going to look in the mirror and realise that you're a 74-year-old man with a swastika carved into your own forehead. California correctional officials have released a new photo of Charles Manson. No, we don't know why either.
If there's one thing the tale of Charles Manson can teach us, it's never to carve a swastika into your own forehead. Really, don't. Sure, it might seem like a cool thing to do when you're the unhinged leader of a murderer-commune determined to set off a race war because of something you once heard Paul McCartney shriek, but one day you're going to look in the mirror and realise that you're a 74-year-old man with a swastika carved into your own forehead. California correctional officials have released a new photo of Charles Manson. No, we don't know why either.
Adnan Ghalib Gets Banned From Britney Spears Forever
Adnan Ghalib was famous for being the only man alive who could make Kevin Federline seem sort of decent. The past tense was correct, by the way. An LA judge has just granted Britney Spears and her family a longterm restraining order from Britney's ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib - leading to fears that, without Britney Spears to piggyback around on, Adnan will fold up neatly, slot into his disgusting beard-slug and crawl away never to be heard of again. So Adnan Ghalib, it was nice knowing you. Even though we didn't actually know you. And it was the scientific opposite of nice.
Adnan Ghalib was famous for being the only man alive who could make Kevin Federline seem sort of decent. The past tense was correct, by the way. An LA judge has just granted Britney Spears and her family a longterm restraining order from Britney's ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib - leading to fears that, without Britney Spears to piggyback around on, Adnan will fold up neatly, slot into his disgusting beard-slug and crawl away never to be heard of again. So Adnan Ghalib, it was nice knowing you. Even though we didn't actually know you. And it was the scientific opposite of nice.
Rihanna Splits With Chris Brown: Ladies, Form A Queue
Say what you will about Chris Brown, but nobody looks so adorable when they're allegedly punching your face. That's why Rihanna is a fool. If reports are to be believed then Rihanna has decided to 'take a break' from Chris Brown, either because she's embarrassed by the negative public reaction she's currently getting, or because he allegedly choked her unconscious and threatened to kill her less than two months ago. But Rihanna's loss could be your gain - if you can throw carkeys through windows and absorb several blows with your face and skull, Chris Brown is waiting for your call.
Say what you will about Chris Brown, but nobody looks so adorable when they're allegedly punching your face. That's why Rihanna is a fool. If reports are to be believed then Rihanna has decided to 'take a break' from Chris Brown, either because she's embarrassed by the negative public reaction she's currently getting, or because he allegedly choked her unconscious and threatened to kill her less than two months ago. But Rihanna's loss could be your gain - if you can throw carkeys through windows and absorb several blows with your face and skull, Chris Brown is waiting for your call.
LeAnn Rimes Blogs About Alleged Affair To Remaining Fan
It's been a long time coming, but LeAnn Rimes has finally started acting like a genuine country singer. Unless she hasn't. Basically it's been reported that LeAnn Rimes had cheated on her husband with Eddie Cibrian, her co-star in a forthcoming TV movie. Which isn't really news, since people we don't care about presumably cheat on their partners with people we've never heard of every day. Anyway, while Eddie Cibrian has denied the affair, LeAnn Rimes has been a little less forthcoming. You know what this means? LeAnn Rimes totally raped Eddie Cibrian in his sleep! Unless she didn't.
It's been a long time coming, but LeAnn Rimes has finally started acting like a genuine country singer. Unless she hasn't. Basically it's been reported that LeAnn Rimes had cheated on her husband with Eddie Cibrian, her co-star in a forthcoming TV movie. Which isn't really news, since people we don't care about presumably cheat on their partners with people we've never heard of every day. Anyway, while Eddie Cibrian has denied the affair, LeAnn Rimes has been a little less forthcoming. You know what this means? LeAnn Rimes totally raped Eddie Cibrian in his sleep! Unless she didn't.
Kanye West Charged With Being A Stroppy Little Airport Turd
Kanye West often refers to himself as the son of God - it's a perfectly acceptable statement for him to make. No really, it is. If you've read the Bible, you'll remember the passage describing Jesus's decision to make an album about how miserable he is with loads of Autotune on it. And we believe it was Mark 3:11 that went "And, lo, Jesus was charged with three misdemeanors for acting like a cock in an airport." And now Kanye West has been charged with three misdemeanors for that time he acted like a cock in an airport too. Oh, holy symmetry.
Kanye West often refers to himself as the son of God - it's a perfectly acceptable statement for him to make. No really, it is. If you've read the Bible, you'll remember the passage describing Jesus's decision to make an album about how miserable he is with loads of Autotune on it. And we believe it was Mark 3:11 that went "And, lo, Jesus was charged with three misdemeanors for acting like a cock in an airport." And now Kanye West has been charged with three misdemeanors for that time he acted like a cock in an airport too. Oh, holy symmetry.
Celebrities Turning Their Backs On Twitter
Here's a super guest blog by super Amy Grindhouse... Twitter is to celebrities today what Kabbalah string bracelets were to them five years ago. Over-hyped, over-exposed and over here. Tweeting, which essentially involves posting short updates about your day, is huge online right now. Both celebrities and regular folks alike are hopping on the bandwagon of the communication tool that is an absolute Facebook killer. Despite being talked about as often as Paris Hilton's love life and experiencing ludicrous growth of some 1,382% year-over-year from February 2008 to February 2009, Twitter is actually being shunned by some entertainers.
Here's a super guest blog by super Amy Grindhouse... Twitter is to celebrities today what Kabbalah string bracelets were to them five years ago. Over-hyped, over-exposed and over here. Tweeting, which essentially involves posting short updates about your day, is huge online right now. Both celebrities and regular folks alike are hopping on the bandwagon of the communication tool that is an absolute Facebook killer. Despite being talked about as often as Paris Hilton's love life and experiencing ludicrous growth of some 1,382% year-over-year from February 2008 to February 2009, Twitter is actually being shunned by some entertainers.
Oprah Mag Puzzlingly Acknowledges Someone Other Than Oprah
Oprah Winfrey is big. We’re not talking physically big here. That’s a given. We’re talking about an ego so freakin’ enormous that it operates like a gargantuan black hole, physically and spiritually swallowing up everything in sight - man, woman, child, baby back ribs, U.S. First Ladies - you name it. Well, just when we thought that we understood the awesome light and matter-consuming force that is Oprah, she goes and does something completely uncharacteristic of someone whose personal fortune was not built on prattling on and on about Oprah. Turns out, Oprah has ushered in a brave new world where people other than Oprah are seen on the cover of Oprah’s magazine, O (for Oprah).
Oprah Winfrey is big. We’re not talking physically big here. That’s a given. We’re talking about an ego so freakin’ enormous that it operates like a gargantuan black hole, physically and spiritually swallowing up everything in sight - man, woman, child, baby back ribs, U.S. First Ladies - you name it. Well, just when we thought that we understood the awesome light and matter-consuming force that is Oprah, she goes and does something completely uncharacteristic of someone whose personal fortune was not built on prattling on and on about Oprah. Turns out, Oprah has ushered in a brave new world where people other than Oprah are seen on the cover of Oprah’s magazine, O (for Oprah).
