Books

It must have been such a relief for JK Rowling when she finished the last Harry Potter book, because it meant she could focus on what’s really important to her - which, it turns out, is Harry Potter.

Not content with the book of Harry Potter fairy tales she recently wrote, or the Harry Potter encyclopedia she’s working on now, JK Rowling has found the time to write a prequel to the Harry Potter books, set before Harry first went to Hogwarts.

However, there’s only one copy of this 800-word Harry Potter prequel and it’s going to be auctioned for charity, so hardly anyone will be able to read it. But the rest of you shouldn’t worry - give it a year and Warner Bros will have bought the rights and padded it out into a brand new nine-hour movie trilogy. In space.

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Since that Austrian house of horrors incest sex dungeon was found, people everywhere have questioned their own parenting standards.

Which is a shame for Geri Halliwell, because her new children’s book is being released today, and reading a Geri Halliwell book to a child is only a couple of notches down from locking them in a cellar for 24 years and getting them pregnant against their will.

We’re joking, of course - Geri Halliwell’s book is just a bit of harmless fun. It doesn’t compare at all. But Geri Halliwell promoting the book by banging on and on and on and on about herself forever? We don’t know about you, but actually that does feel like being raped by your father in an incest dungeon in Austria.

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Miley Cyrus has conquered every medium she’s tried; TV, film, music, reputation-sullying internet underwear photos - she’s queen of them all.

But what about the world of autobiographies? Why, no. Of course not. Miley Cyrus is only 15 years old. For Miley Cyrus to write an autobiography at such a young age would be to insult the intelligence of her fans in just about the most unforgivable way possible. That’s something we can all agree on.

Well, all of us except Miley Cyrus and the Disney Book Group, because it’s been announced that the Miley Cyrus memoirs are coming out soon. We’re especially looking forward to the chapter about how, by the age of 12, Miley Cyrus had more money than all of us would ever earn from a lifetime of backbreaking physical labour combined. Fun!

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The copyright lawsuit between JK Rowling and The Harry Potter Lexicon finished yesterday, but don’t think you can go back to not giving a stuff about it again.

As you remember, JK Rowling claims that The Harry Potter Lexicon unfairly and illegally plagiarises the Harry Potter novels, while the makers of The Harry Potter Lexicon just claim that it’s nothing more than a reference book. And now the case has concluded.

However, we won’t know if JK Rowling or The Harry Potter Lexicon author Steven Vander Ark will win yet, because the judge needs to go away and think about it. And he won’t do that until both JK Rowling and Steven Vander Ark have submitted written summations of their arguments to him. We’re just guessing here, but we’d assume that Vander Ark’s summation is going to be identical to Rowling’s, but with a couple of words changed and cheaper-looking artwork.

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As if yesterday’s thrilling installment of That Court Case Where JK Rowling Gets Upset Because Someone Else Wrote A Harry Potter Book wasn’t enthralling enough, there’s more.

That’s because yesterday JK Rowling made it into court to speak about her outrage that a third-party Harry Potter reference book, The Lexicon Of Harry Potter, was being published without her say-so. “We all know I’ve made enough money.

hat’s absolutely not why I’m here,” JK Rowling told the courtroom. And that sounds fair - quite often the mega-wealthy lose the thrill of making money and replace it with a new interest.

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JK Rowling knows everything there is to know about Harry Potter - her brain is literally a soggy, pulsating Harry Potter encyclopedia.

And JK Rowling wants to pass on her unbeatable knowledge of Harry Potter to the fans by cutting the top of her skull off, smooshing her brain into a billion tiny globs and selling them on to Harry Potter fans for a million pounds each. Or she wants to write a Harry Potter encyclopedia and sell that instead. We forget which.

Anyway, a new third party Harry Potter encyclopedia that’s coming out soon has got JK Rowling worried - not only will it scupper sales of the official JK Rowling-written encyclopedia, but it’ll also be an inferior product. Anyway, JK Rowling’s great big lawsuit has begun. And it’s either really exciting or quite dull. We forget which.

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Of all celebrity feuds, none have been odder than the one between Kathleen Turner and Nicholas Cage about whether or not he stole someone's chihuahua once.

It was a serious feud, too - after Kathleen Turner accused Nicolas Cage of stealing chihuahuas and drunk driving in her autobiography, Cage took her to the High Court for it.

But now it's all come juddering to an end, with Kathleen Turner making a public apology for the claims. Thanks heavens - now we can all stop thinking of Nicolas Cage as the man who stole a chihuahua and go back to thinking of him as the man who runs up hills dressed as a bear and punches girls square in the face. It's his comfort zone, if you will.

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The general opinion of Bobby Brown is that he's so impossibly unlikeable that it's beyond the realms of human thought to imagine him being much more of an arsehole.

Kids, he's done it. 

You know how you think that Bobby Brown was the wife-beating idiot who helped plunge Whitney Houston into a spiral of hard drug addiction? Didn't happen. Bobby Brown has written a book where he claims that Whitney Houston was the one who introduced him to all the drugs. Which all seems so obvious now - what was Whitney Houston's pre-Brown dancefloor-filler My Name Is Not Susan if not the desperate shriek of a burnt-out husk with a debilitating antifreeze addiction? 

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Harry Potter has made JK Rowling richer than her wildest dreams - but if you try to make money out of Harry Potter, JK Rowling will crush you in her mighty fist.

Harry Potter fan Steven Vander Ark is slowly coming to realise this, because he's trying to publish a third-party Harry Potter reference book, Harry Potter Lexicon, and JK Rowling is doing her best to sue his balls off about it.

It just goes to show that JK Rowling won't allow any unauthorised Harry Potter merchandise to hit the shops. But, hey, that doesn't mean you have to tell her about that container of shoddy Far-Eastern lead-painted Dobby The House Elf choking aids that we've just had shipped into the country, OK?

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Ever wondered who's influenced the Olsen twins the most? No, us neither - move along.

No, wait, come back. Just because you don't care who influenced the Olsen twins, we don't care who influenced the Olsen twins and we'd be frankly stunned if even the Olsen twins cared who influenced the Olsen twins, the Olsen twins are writing a book all about the people who have influenced them.

The book - tentatively titled I Totally Like That, You Know, Old Film Guy Who's, Like Dead And Stuff - doesn't have a release date. But that doesn't matter, because if you're thinking about buying the Olsen twins' book, we'll come and beat you up.

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